To ask if social anxiety has ruined anyone else's life?

[kingtonne]

This is how I basically feel. Along with the social anxiety I also have extremely low self esteem and low self confidence.

This wasn't just in the teen years - I was like this from my earliest memories, when I was in nursery. I have missed out on some key social development which Im.not sure I can ever recover without.

Its affected every aspect of my life negatively - friends, housing, jobs and finance, partners (I've only had one!).
I feel like a failure as I watch my peers in lovely homes with good jobs and happy families. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. I'm on the bottom ladder of society just about making ends meet.

I have tried therapy / CBT several times but nothing has worked. I used to grasp on to a thread of hope that I might be able to change but that has long gone.

I don't know anyone else like me and feel like a failure most of the time.

Yes me. But I don’t have any suggestions on how to improve it.

Well I get where you are coming from.
Can you describe your anxiety and how it shows itself?

@HufflepuffPride

Yes me. But I don’t have any suggestions on how to improve it.

Have you been like this from your earliest memories?

The therapist I saw said it most commonly developed in teen years and I must have been a quiet kid prior to that but it wasn't like that for me at all.

Yes it has massively affected my life. I really struggle to find a sense of self worth and security in myself even now I am almost 30. I have had two very short term partners, both of which caused me massive amounts of anxiety. However, I am also a LOT better than I was in my teens/early twenties so it can get better.

@Yellowleadbetter

Well I get where you are coming from. Can you describe your anxiety and how it shows itself?

The only way I can describe it is like a block, I just sort of freeze, I stop thinking, my mind is blank, it almost stops working. I physically freeze as well. Inside my heart is racing and I can't relax. If I do talk it's fast and if someone is talking to me then many times I haven't even heard fully what they have said.

In a group I am completely quiet. Like today I am going to a children's birthday party at at a venue and I know the other mums will be lovely and I will just be sat there not saying anything. People sometimes think there's something wrong, why am I not talking etc. I want to but don't know how to and can't.

@flippers145

Yes it has massively affected my life. I really struggle to find a sense of self worth and security in myself even now I am almost 30. I have had two very short term partners, both of which caused me massive amounts of anxiety. However, I am also a LOT better than I was in my teens/early twenties so it can get better.

What type of things helped you or was it just time things got better as you grew older?

CBT really helped. I did it myself with a book rather than sessions. Propranalol (beta blockers) also help with the physical symptoms. I found a lot of my anxiety came from feeling self conscious about being visibly nervous eg shaking, tensing up etc so having medication on hand to stop that really helps.

It's been a long process though. I often feel there's something 'wrong' or 'weird' about me, that I'm different to everyone else and I have to consciously challenge those thoughts all the time. Is that how you feel?

What are your parents like? How was your upbringing? Did they model good relationships with other people, and try to help you, or were/are they themselves socially anxious/timid?

I get what you mean about freezing and not being able to talk. I used to get that too, I was basically mute as a teenager in any group situations. I think we have a very sensitive fight/flight/freeze response that gets triggered far more easily than other people. When I was in a situation I was uncomfortable in I used to feel my heart pounding and feeling simultaneously like I wanted to run away but also feeling rooted to the spot. I couldn't even force myself to speak unless someone directly asked me a question. I don't think many people really realise that we actually feel terrified in these situations, whether it is rational or not.

I have a very good relationship with my parents. I think it is a nature more than a nurture thing for me, although none of my family has had the same issues as me.

Bloody hell op… are you me??!
I’ve never met anyone describe this to me. You are describing what happens to me as if you have gone inside my mind!

I’ve never ever described these feelings/symptoms to anyone ever.

This is me. I tried CBT and it helped, but I would always slide back. I resisted medication for years but then I tried sertraline.

I'm not magically cured, I still struggle with socialising but it's way, way better and has made a massive difference to my general anxiety and confidence. I would feel physically sick before meetings at work, now I'm delivering training to over 200 people next week and not only am I not nervous I'm feeling confident and looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong I've had to work on it alongside the medication but not having that sick feeling constantly like I used to has been a blessing.

Also not sure if you are like me but I hid how I was feeling from my friends and would make excuses not to meet them. Eventually they all gave up on me, apart from one or two. I've now been open and honest with them and they are so supportive and understanding if I do need to cancel. I feel like they understand me and love me all the same, which again has really helped me.

Don't give up OP, things can get better, just look at all of the options, don't discount anything out of hand, and try things to see what works for you.

Mine developed during teen years. It took me nearly 15 years to gain any improvement. I can now chat in a group casually, feel relaxed in a group setting etc. Still can't talk in a work meeting so my career has stalled, I'm stuck at the bottom level at my organisation because any step up involves talking at meetings and I just crumble. I've tried so hard.

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

You've just described my sister, she's lovely in small and familiar groups of people. With strangers, she shuts down and appears cold and anti social, however she's desperate to chat. Just doesn't know how to break the ice and we suspect she is autistic. She does seem to tick the boxes for it as women present differently to males. That's why it's harder to detect and so many go under the radar or are misdiagnosed with others things such as social anxiety and MH issues.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/nov/19/diagnosis-women-autism-later-life

As previous posters have said, I just stopped going out or anywhere.
No birthdays, Christmas, christening, leaving parties at all ever.
No work functions.
No childrens things, so dh would take kids to parties or gatherings.

But I have just got a new job that is about to change my life completely.
The company describe themselves as “people focussed”.
Normally I would run a fucking mile.
But no. No way, no more, no longer.
They have frequent work gatherings. I’ve been to one. It was torture.

Yes can so relate. Ive suffered with this since an early age too. At nearly 41 I'm better than I used to be but it took me ages to be able to even hold a job down and even that's just a minimum wage one, so I'll always struggle financially and never be able to give my kids the life they deserve.

As I've got older I care less what people think though and more often "feel the fear and do it anyway". I do find life quite hard going and stressful at times though, I think having kids I've been forced to do things I find really difficult. I have tried cbt but it was a bit rubbish and cant afford to go private.

Hi OP, sorry you're having such a horrible time with social anxiety. I had a period of a couple of years where I Experienced it and it was horrible. It doesn't sound as limiting as what you are experiencing but I found it so difficult to have conversations with anyone and there was a constant monologue in my head telling me I was boring, stupid etc.

I went to the Gp and have been on anti anxiety medication and it has helped me so much. I've tried therapies and haven't found them useful but I'm happy to continue with the medication as it improves my life so much.

The only way I can describe it is like a block, I just sort of freeze, I stop thinking, my mind is blank, it almost stops working. I physically freeze as well. Inside my heart is racing and I can't relax. If I do talk it's fast and if someone is talking to me then many times I haven't even heard fully what they have said.

Yes, this really hit home for me. I don't have any suggestions OP. I just drink a lot when I'm in social situations, I can't deal with them otherwise, but that isn't very helpful. I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I already feel physically sick about it.

Yes I’ve been this way since I can remember. I school refused for most of my childhood, that’s left it’s own problems because I have significant gaps in my learning, particularly with maths.

[quote Alrightqueenie]autisticgirlsnetwork.org/

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

You've just described my sister, she's lovely in small and familiar groups of people. With strangers, she shuts down and appears cold and anti social, however she's desperate to chat. Just doesn't know how to break the ice and we suspect she is autistic. She does seem to tick the boxes for it as women present differently to males. That's why it's harder to detect and so many go under the radar or are misdiagnosed with others things such as social anxiety and MH issues.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/nov/19/diagnosis-women-autism-later-life[/quote]
Interesting - I've wondered for a while if I'm actually autistic. I feel like it's taken me years to learn the social skills most people seem to have innately.

I can relate to feeling like this before the teenage stage though it got worse then.

I've no idea how my social anxiety started but I do remember when I started school they had that system where you started at a different time depending on your birthday so I didn't start until January. I remember being thrown into a classroom with loads of children who had been there since September and knew the ropes and finding it all really overwhelming. I remember thinking a few years later how it would have been so much better to have been able to start in a class where everyone was new.

As an adult I've had to really struggle to learn social skills but the one thing I don't feel I'll ever be able to do is approach people, I'm usually ok if someone talks to me first though.

I wonder if this is just how some people are wired, maybe there are also some who are prone to this but can be helped if taught strategies as children.

Yes. I’ve always had awful social anxiety and it has ruined my life. The only friends I have are ones who were forced to spend a lot of time with me (school, shared an office) and only one am I truly comfortable around. Just like you describe my brain stops working and goes completely blank and I just stand there like a vacant moron feeling like I want the ground to swallow me.
I have 2 dc and I’m single and unemployed and I don’t know how to change either of those things because I just can’t talk to people.

I would say this needs medication and EDMR therapy. My friend had social anxiety from a very early age. The therapist went right back to the moment it started. It helps to move the memories to a different part of the brain. My friend is like a different person now. Strong and resilient.

I have memories of being a very shy, anxious child. I remember standing there in nursery and at primary school at the edge of the playground and not knowing how to join in, literally feeling sick with anxiety. And with the racing heart thing. And yes it did affect my teenage years and early twenties (and professional progression), although I have some good friends from university who I'm still in touch with.

I care a lot less after having my DC though. I'm very comfortable now in my own company and enjoy being by myself - I wish I had more time to myself actually! And also meeting other parents though baby and toddler groups has given me a lot of opportunity to 'practice', including being the one who suggests going for coffee and meeting at the playground. And I have to give presentations and teach training sessions in my job - although I'm never going to be 'public speaker of the year', I can muddle through fairly well now because I'm confident that I have something to say which is worth listening to.

A close relative also suffer from anxiety and takes medication, which they say has transformed their life.

Although it hasn't ruined my life, I can relate. I have no friends. I've only had one partner too. I feel lucky that he was genuinely the one (I definitely didn't just settle for him.. I always get paranoid that this is what people will think.. I guess the overthinking is part of the anxiety though!) and we're now married with a bub. Social anxiety has been a part of my life since nursery too. I had separation anxiety from my mum and I think it all interlinks. Always wondered why I'm like this. Throughout life people have described me as 'shy' and said 'she never talks'. I always knew it wasn't just shyness but people never understood. A Counsellor once said to me that talking to me was like talking to a 2 year old.. that obviously helped my confidence..!
Don't really have any advice, just wanted to say you are not alone.💕