To ask if social anxiety has ruined anyone else's life?

[kingtonne]

This is how I basically feel. Along with the social anxiety I also have extremely low self esteem and low self confidence.

This wasn't just in the teen years - I was like this from my earliest memories, when I was in nursery. I have missed out on some key social development which Im.not sure I can ever recover without.

Its affected every aspect of my life negatively - friends, housing, jobs and finance, partners (I've only had one!).
I feel like a failure as I watch my peers in lovely homes with good jobs and happy families. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. I'm on the bottom ladder of society just about making ends meet.

I have tried therapy / CBT several times but nothing has worked. I used to grasp on to a thread of hope that I might be able to change but that has long gone.

I don't know anyone else like me and feel like a failure most of the time.

@JaniieJones

'but I'm equally tired of the "get extroverts" trend which has developed in recent years.'

Perhaps you could start a new thread to discuss it.

On this thread the op has discussed been brought up to think there is something wrong with being quiet. I'm merely giving my opinion through many years of experience either at work or socially that more introverted people are usually the ones who are more interesting, if loud mouths stop to take a breath and allow others to get a word in edgeways that is. I'm not out to 'get' anyone.

But it comes up on literally every single thread about social anxiety or ‘being quiet’. Being spiteful about people who appear more socially confident isn’t going to help the OP work on her social anxiety, just as her family telling her she’s too quiet

And again, I seem to say this a lot on here, but you can’t necessarily tell an extrovert from an introvert in a social situation — it’s perfectly possible to be a socially-confident introvert. I am one. I enjoy social situations, but I need a lot of solitude to recharge.

Sorry, that should have read ‘just as her family telling her she’s too quiet won’t help her feel more socially confident.’

This is me too, I've always been like this, I had selective mutism at school as a child and still cannot speak at times when I'm anxious. When I first went to the GP for it as a teenager I took a printed out checklist from the internet indicating how I felt, could you start with something like that? I couldn't speak but this got it across really well and I got help straight away. Medication really helped me initially since then I've had CBT, counselling, psychotherapy, and I practice daily mindfulness which I would say helps me the most as I can say "oh look I've frozen up, my heart's racing, how interesting, here's my anxiety, hello anxiety, that's fine, these are just thoughts soon other thoughts will come along" without feeling there's something wrong with me or something I need to act on. I've focused on managing it at work so that I've got along with my career and can speak in meetings, do presentations, filled with anxiety but I can do them and I get good feedback. I have no friends at all and I don't go to any social occasions- I give myself this as a break, a gift for managing work is that I don't force myself to socialise. I do force myself out of the house and go to a lot of events, gym, travel etc which for me takes a lot of bravery, but I don't interact with people while doing it, outside of my immediate family.

Hi OP, I haven’t read the entire thread, so apologies, and apologies for saying this so flippantly, but I wonder rather than calling it “social anxiety”, have you ever considered that you might have undiagnosed asd?
It presents very like how you have described yourself, and it’s often not until adulthood that females are diagnosed.

Yes. Fundamentally changed my life experience, when I talk to friends and siblings, there life has, to them, been so so much easier. They enjoy and are drawn to people mostly and don't feel panic at upcoming social meetings. I feel like it was almost certain I was destined to fail in our world that doesn't accept or make allowances for non-neurotypical people.

@TheDuchessOfMN yes you are likely correct in some cases, but you can't generalise...

This was me as a kid, teenager and 20-something. Crippling shy. Very anxious about social occasions with anyone but close friends and family. Feeling “programmed incorrectly” describes it well. It’s awful and I really sympathise.

I’m now 30-something and the social anxiety has gone. I have loads of friends, a partner and a dd, go out all the time and no longer give a shit about being judged, looked at or whatever. No treatment I feel like I just grew into myself in my 30s.

I'm not convinced by the advice to just force yourself to go to more social events advice either. I remember during a particularly bad lonely period a well intentioned person advising me to go to places like pubs and just go up to people and start talking. Gave me an instant mental image of myself talking bollocks at people while they stared back at me in horror. Not good.

I tend to panic and talk bollocks in these situations rather than shut down and go silent. I can see how my sort might look like an extrovert but I think on the inside it's the same thing going on just with a different reaction. Doesn't mean we actually are confident.

I think sometimes the 'just force yourself' advice comes from a misunderstanding of CBT, or perhaps from older therapeutic techniques which are no longer in use

When I did a therapist- supported group CBT course for social anxiety a few years ago, one thing we did was make a list of 5 things we wanted to do that the anxiety was preventing us from doing and ordered them from most to least difficult. The one I started with was just going to my office kitchen at lunchtime when I knew other colleagues would be there and heating my food in the microwave. Going to a pub and talking to a random would have been the very last thing I would have ever aimed for.

Tbh honest when I was really suffering with the anxiety I wouldn't even have dared make an anonymous post on something so personal (or anything at all really) on an online forum for fear of the reaction of other anonymous posters- so I think you are doing well there OP

@KatRee thank you for your kind words. I actually cried while I was typing the post.
@kingtonne it took me three years (post abusive relationship) to go and see her in the first place, I could feel myself welling up as I opened the surgery door I really haven't got the confidence to try again.
Shit isn't it.

Hi I'm like this too to some extent. I'm quiet, hate being centre of attention. Never had an 18th or 21st birthday party had a small wedding. I've got a little better with age I can chat to some people who I feel comfortable with. But I still blush red when put on the spot and for lots of reasons! Does anyone else go bright red who suffers social anxiety? I think the 2 issues are linked in someway?

@kingtonne

I bang on about it a lot on here but I would hugely recommend The Thrive Programme. It isn’t CBT, but it works by changing your beliefs, slowly but surely. I had crippling anxiety in a specific area of my life and it changed everything for me.

It isn’t counselling, it’s a programme you work through (a book), although you can also get a Thrive consultant to work through with you.

The book is about £45. Please look it up - it was a game changer for me and for thousands of others (lots of testimonials online).

@kingtonne sorry you are feeling like this. I think EMDR would probably help you! Look for a reputable and registered provider.

Yes, and it has been crippling.
Narc mum and a variety of shaming belittling people in my life.

If you haven't tried medication, see if you can try some.
It took away that freezing and extreme panicking feelings. I recall feeling like my face was on fire and I couldn't breath during those frozen incidents.

People saying just go to a pub and do x mean well but that's far too much.

You need to create bunches of tiny wins for you each day.
Example if you're agoraphobic, the tiny win may be getting out of bed, opening the curtains, or looking out the window. Then you give yourself a little go me high five each time.

I like writing the tiny wins down and look at them the end of the week and it gives you confidence to see all your tiny wins there in writing.

There's more of course but thought I'd share one technique that has helped immensely.

I have the same issue OP. Just this afternoon my brother and his family came over and I just went blank and chatted rubbish when I was talking with SIL. My brain switches off and inside in panicking like mad to try and look normal, say the right thing in the right tone of voice, look interested etc. I find I become sort of detached from my sense of self and don’t have my memories, feelings and opinions any more. It’s like “me” is behind a sheet of glass all muffled.

Oh and I agree. I’ve been doing all the things that scare me for years and years. It doesn’t get better. I’m still terrified inside and my mind detaches.

Yes ,anxiety has ruined my life
I’m on the waiting list to be assessed for autism
At nearly 50
Doctor has put me on propranolol, (beta blockers ,) they are helping

My social anxiety makes me incredibly awkward in social situations - even sometimes with my own/DH's family. I was always a quiet, shy kid who kept quiet in large groups or didn't speak out in class. It was much worse in high school though where it was sometimes crippling. I wouldn't want to go to school, I'd turn down going out with friends then get FOMO then feel isolated and alone when friends didn't seem to want to spend time with me. It got better in my mid twenties though only the past two years have made it rough again.

I think it's been even worse since covid as I haven't had to exercise that socialising "muscle" and I do find that the more I put myself in social situations the better I get at coping with them. Right now though that socialising muscle hasn't had the use it needs!

Sorry you're having such a tough time with it.

@QuietKingdom

This is me too, I've always been like this, I had selective mutism at school as a child and still cannot speak at times when I'm anxious. When I first went to the GP for it as a teenager I took a printed out checklist from the internet indicating how I felt, could you start with something like that? I couldn't speak but this got it across really well and I got help straight away. Medication really helped me initially since then I've had CBT, counselling, psychotherapy, and I practice daily mindfulness which I would say helps me the most as I can say "oh look I've frozen up, my heart's racing, how interesting, here's my anxiety, hello anxiety, that's fine, these are just thoughts soon other thoughts will come along" without feeling there's something wrong with me or something I need to act on. I've focused on managing it at work so that I've got along with my career and can speak in meetings, do presentations, filled with anxiety but I can do them and I get good feedback. I have no friends at all and I don't go to any social occasions- I give myself this as a break, a gift for managing work is that I don't force myself to socialise. I do force myself out of the house and go to a lot of events, gym, travel etc which for me takes a lot of bravery, but I don't interact with people while doing it, outside of my immediate family.

Would you mind explaining a bit more about the mindfulness? Do you practice it in a safe space at home and then also when you are in the anxiety inducing social event. I don't think my brain can do it as I can't even think, I'm just so frozen

This thread makes sad reading and I say that as someone who identifies with a lot of what’s being said. I have always felt I don’t fit in, I’m not a real person in the sense of being capable of functioning in the world like everyone else, I can freeze and not know how to speak in group social events, etc etc. I know with my head it’s ridiculous but it’s so hard to fight and it has definitely and still definitely holds me back in life, I have set my expectations for myself lower and so on. I’m not doing badly but equally not doing as well as I could be if I didn’t have this negativity on my back. Yes to bullying at high school making it worse but also I think it started much younger and I don’t really know when or why. Sending hugs and solidarity to all other sufferers xx

Mid 40s here, completely affected all aspects of my life and makes me so sad. I'm the weird, quiet, shy, antisocial one However living with it for so long a few small things help. Taking a moment before organised events/meetings to anticipate who I might see, what they might say or ask, deciding in advance outfits....basically over preparing but whilst in a calmer headspace, even making notes. Also, thinking ahead to after the 'incident', making sure you have that time to decompress and have quiet time, or even the promise a treat if it works for you...you've got through these situations before, you're here now, and you will again, they won't last forever.
And yes, mindfulness, really noticing the simple things. A quiet moment maybe when doing make up, teeth, making coffee...whatever....slow purposeful deep breathing to notice your body relax, appreciating fresh air, a hot drink, clean hair, anything. I am only recently remembering to, and able to, try this when out and about, focussing on myself not others. And the only good thing I took away from 'therapy' was being my own champion and quietly noticing my positives to help self esteem. There are always some....you are kind, you are grateful, you recycle. Whatever! Advise to put myself into uncomfortable situations and noting my reactions just didn't help Life is hard for me, others don't get it, have no empathy and I feel completely judged, I've missed opportunities, family and friendships affected. Why do people always comment on it negatively too? If I had a penny.....! Society takes all sorts.

I don't feel I function like a "normal person" in a lot of ways either. I can sometimes take it but it feels like it takes more effort. That said I don't really relate to the autism/ND community either.

@JaniieJones

'but I'm equally tired of the "get extroverts" trend which has developed in recent years.'

Perhaps you could start a new thread to discuss it.

On this thread the op has discussed been brought up to think there is something wrong with being quiet. I'm merely giving my opinion through many years of experience either at work or socially that more introverted people are usually the ones who are more interesting, if loud mouths stop to take a breath and allow others to get a word in edgeways that is. I'm not out to 'get' anyone.

I have started and been involved in numerous threads about this, thanks.

Your presumption is dripping with prejudice about people who aren't easily pigeonholed as introvert and shows your ignorance. "Loud mouths" indeed. Imagine if I turned this on its head and described introverts as "quiet and boring". I'd rightly be torn a new one on this thread and others. The hypocrisy is breathtaking.

We get that introverts often find social things more challenging. We all get this because its been hammered home to death on here (as well as on other sites). But why does this give you the right to attack those of us who manage social things with more superficial ease? What is it about doing this which makes you feel better about yourselves?

'Imagine if I turned this on its head and described introverts as "quiet and boring".

But that is exactly what the op has indeed been told her entire life. I'm saying I find the opposite. I'm not insulting you I'm trying to reassure the op that most do not think there's anything wrong with quiet people, she just needs to find like minded folk.

Louder people need to read the room a bit sometimes and look at a quieter person and say 'what do you think?', then actually listen to their reply.

@JaniieJones

'Imagine if I turned this on its head and described introverts as "quiet and boring".

But that is exactly what the op has indeed been told her entire life. I'm saying I find the opposite. I'm not insulting you I'm trying to reassure the op that most do not think there's anything wrong with quiet people, she just needs to find like minded folk.

Louder people need to read the room a bit sometimes and look at a quieter person and say 'what do you think?', then actually listen to their reply.

By the OP’s account, if a ‘loud’ (by which you mean, I presume, socially-confident) person asked her a question and waited for a reply, she would panic, freeze and blank, regardless of how long the questioner waited, and how interested they were in her reply.

And for heaven’s sake, the OP is not just ‘a quiet person’ — as she says herself, she does have ‘something wrong’ with her, and it’s having a measurable negative impact on her life. It isn’t her fault, and sounds as if it was caused by unpleasant and insensitive behaviour around her in her childhood, but her condition is certainly now not just being ‘quiet’, and it’s ridiculous to suggest it can be cured by ‘loud’ people asking her questions.