To ask if social anxiety has ruined anyone else's life?

[kingtonne]

This is how I basically feel. Along with the social anxiety I also have extremely low self esteem and low self confidence.

This wasn't just in the teen years - I was like this from my earliest memories, when I was in nursery. I have missed out on some key social development which Im.not sure I can ever recover without.

Its affected every aspect of my life negatively - friends, housing, jobs and finance, partners (I've only had one!).
I feel like a failure as I watch my peers in lovely homes with good jobs and happy families. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. I'm on the bottom ladder of society just about making ends meet.

I have tried therapy / CBT several times but nothing has worked. I used to grasp on to a thread of hope that I might be able to change but that has long gone.

I don't know anyone else like me and feel like a failure most of the time.

@flippers145

I have a very good relationship with my parents. I think it is a nature more than a nurture thing for me, although none of my family has had the same issues as me.

Same here. I had a very 'normal' upbringing with a loving mum and dad. I am the youngest of 3 and neither of my siblings were like me. They both had been called shy, I suppose, growing up, but they'd still go out drinking as teenagers with friends and stuff. Something I did perhaps once or twice (and felt extremely uncomfortable doing!).

I had massive social anxiety as a child / teen to a hugely debilitating extent. Instead of addressing the anxiety ( because in the 80s I don't think anxiety was even a thing), I approached it by reading absolutely everything I could about how to have a conversation eg how to start a conversation, what kind of questions to ask, active listening, body language etc. (There is much more information about this today then there was 30 years ago.) And then I just made myself practice in tiny, tiny steps.

I think I'm now both pretty socially confident and competent. You can definitely get over social anxiety, but you probably need to learn a few conversation skills and will have to take a leap of faith. And take tiny steps. So at the party, don't expect to have a brilliant in depth conversation with the other parents, but maybe set yourself a challenge of looking someone in the eye, smiling and saying "hi". If that goes well, ask them who their child is and say "I'm X's. Mum". You could plan one or two follow up question / comment in advance. Eg. Are you doing anything nice this weekend? / This place is really busy today / Have you been to this venue before? / the kids look like they're having a great time etc.

Yes, and I only have mild shyness, not full on social anxiety. Just now I've cancelled something I was supposed to attend because I don't know anyone there.
It seriously affects working life as well.

Anxiety is a major feature in my life, mostly presents when I am alone but its overwhelming- involuntary movements and speech, rocking, sweating, racing heart, ragged breathing. It's gotten worse since I had a child 9 years ago.
I wanted to share with you because I think most people would be surprised- my anxiety makes me talk loads in company, wittering on, aggressively smiling at people - please give me some sign you like me, to validate that I am OK. However, after every interaction, I am filled with shame, embarrassment and horror. Running over the conversation, picking over all the proof that I am a total embarrassment.
I just wanted to share that more people are anxious and worried than you might think, we have been socially conditioned to mask it I suppose. I really admire people who are able to stand back, talk less and say more, if you know what I mean? I find there is often keen wisdom and wise observations from folk who are not talking all the time!
You are unique and are enough as you are. I hope you find some techniques or work arounds so you can feel more comfortable in social situations. I have found Buddhist meditations helpful. It's a long journey, accepting ourselves. Good luck x

Apologies in advance for the long, rambling post- I relate to much of what people are saying. It's a horrible feeling and it really does get in the way of living a full life

Like OP it began for me in early childhood - I was virtually mute around adults outside of my immediate family and of course my family were very apologetic on my behalf 'she's very shy!' It was true I was, but I think it gave me the sense very early on that there was something wrong with me, which affected my confidence and self-esteem. This then got further knocks throughout childhood and adolescence

Somehow I've always managed to have a small circle of friends wherever I've lived, but until recent years my relationships with them were quite shallow because the sense that something was wrong with me meant I wasn't open with them about anything. I would always go into freeze mode with new people or with large groups - and by large I mean more than two other people!

In my twenties- and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this- I read a book called 'I can make you confident ' by Paul McKenna. Later on I read one called Overcoming Social Anxiety ' and another one in the same series 'Overcoming Low Self-esteem ' They are both based on CBT and you complete exercises to help you progress. All of these helped me push myself to do the things I wanted despite my anxiety, but I was still very very uncomfortable, I was just forcing myself and it was exhausting

A few years ago, I started a new job where I was part of a large team of about 50 people and it really set the anxiety off in a big way. I had panic attacks and became more depressed than I had ever been before. Eventually I made an appointment with my GP - something that in itself always triggered massive anxiety in me. He prescribed sertraline but stressed the importance of doing therapy alongside it. I had some counselling online (where I refused to switch my camera/microphone on and instead used the chat function to speak to the therapist!) I read some more books including the odd sounding 'Chimp Mind Management ' which is also based on CBT, 'Quiet- the power of introverts in a world that won't stop talking (or something like that) and eventually something just clicked

I realised there was nothing innately wrong with me. As human beings the 'old' part of our brain is not evolved to help us me happy, it's evolved to keep us safe so we can survive long enough to reproduce. For some of us, especially when we are tiny, vulnerable children, our brains make us very cautious and alert 'ie anxious ' around other people as a way of keeping us safe, because for thousands of years of human history, in many situations other people have posed a genuine threat. Also some of us are more just introverted than others, we don't tend to vocalise every thought that comes into our heads and that means we don't say as much as others.

Somehow understanding that made me much more accepting of myself and my own anxiety. I can recognise that these emotions have evolved over generations to help us survive and that's amazing. We can be in a group setting and our heart will be pumping because our brains are telling us it's life or death. But in our 21st century lives, whether in the office or at a children's birthday party, it's really not. Yes, maybe some people will think I'm boring, weird, quiet- so what? It is literally not going to kill me.

Since then, I've been much much better. I do still experience anxiety in many situations, but I'm my much more accepting of myself and I don't let it stand in the way of anything I really want to do. I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party, but I can meet with a friend or two once in a while and have a wonderful conversation and really connect with them. I focus on doing the things I enjoy and once in a while if I have to put myself in a situation that triggers the anxiety, I acknowledge it may be uncomfortable, but that's it - it wont kill me.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. In short, social anxiety seriously limited my life for many years, but a combination of medication, CBT, reading things that resonated with me, and therapy helped me manage it and lead a fulfilling life, though it took me until age 35 to get there. I hope everyone else suffering will find something that works for them xx

I would trust your instincts/memories which tell you that it started at a very young age rather than listening to the CBT therapist telling you that it started in your teens.
If you want to get to the root cause, I would see a psychotherapist but it's a long, slow process.
I have suffered from social anxiety all my life and it goes back to my earliest moments.
I don't think I ever got my earliest childhood needs met as my mother wasn't emotionally present. I think she suffered from anxiety and possibly PND.
Good luck.

Yep, my entire adult life has been determined by social anxiety. Mine started literally the moment I started secondary school, due to severe bullying (verbal and physical) throughout my "crap comp" years. I started to self harm and was also suicidal.

Leaving that cess pit of a school was a brilliant day, etched in my memory, but the mental scars never healed and I've had severe problems with "people" ever since. I managed to recover an education by teaching myself and doing correspondence courses and now hold an honours degree level professional qualification, despite leaving school at 16 without a single GCSE to my name. But my employment history has been a series of short term jobs as I simply never "fitted in" to any workplace due to my social anxiety which meant I remained an outsider and could only communicate at a working/professional level, rather than actually becoming friends with any work colleagues. Same with family, I don't have many relatives, and have never argued/fallen out with them, but my anxiety is so bad, I simply can't function around them so over the years, it's all down to just birthday and christmas cards and I've never even seen my brother in person for several years.

I'm now self employed with my own business, and that's fine, because it's an entirely online business where I do 99% of client/supplier interaction via online portals or email, which is well within my comfort zone. The remaining 1% is by phone which I can do in short bursts.

I'm really not looking forward to retirement as work is my only link to the outside world, even if it is online.

And yes, I've tried CBT, hypnotherapy, etc., but nothing gets past those painful teen years. However much I try, I can't get past thinking that people are only "nice" to me as a front and are just waiting to humiliate, abuse or assault me once I let them in - I know it's irrational, but I can't help feeling that way, hence I just avoid people as a coping/prevention strategy.

My social anxiety manifested itself from a very early age as a strong fear of having any attention focused on me. Waiting in line to do anything where adults or other kids were looking at me would start panic attack symptoms, like my turn to perform in ballet or PE, read aloud in class (or even worse assembly).

I feel like I was born this way but in fact I suspect not very emotionally secure parenting contributed to chronic low self esteem and confidence. Can cope with situations where attention is not focused solely on me, eg, speaking up in meetings but not presenting to an audience, talking to new people in a group of three rather than two.

I don't have any suggestions really other than constantly practising even small social interactions. Lockdown set me right back, followed by my partner of 11 years leaving me last year citing my nerves and 'unadventurousness' as some of the reasons he no longer wanted to be with me, sending me into a spiralling mixture of extreme anxiety and agoraphobia. Medication makes me feel ill and two rounds of CBT hasn't helped previously, although I'm on the waiting list to try again. Anxiety can be a crippling, life changing disorder that confident people don't understand. People who enjoy attention and can do things like speak/sing live on TV seem like a different species of human to me.

I feel like this as well. Was in an abusive relationship for twenty years and it's destroyed me. I went for an interview the other day and couldn't answer the questions because I was so focused on my trembling. Didn't get it, even though I know I can do the job, feedback was "you need to expand your answers".
I went to my gp a few years back hoping she'd prescribe beta blockers or anti depressants or something. She threw me a look of disgust/disdain as I cried, pointed to my shaking hands (so bad I can't use my left hand for anything) and told me no medication would stop that.
That was it, I slunk out of the office a little bit more wounded and haven't been back since.
I don't know what to do, I feel like im just living and waiting to die.

I can't believe there's actually people out there like me. I haven't met anyone even vaguely like me.

I have no idea what may have caused my social anxiety. I am not sure but Im pretty sure it was a combination of nasry teachers and my family life.

My parents, siblings and extended family were so irritated by me being quiet. I didn't even talk to my cousin's. I was just mute in family gatherings. I hated it. My family would tell me I'm not normal, it was irritating, noone likes me because you're too quiet. Why is she like that ? If I did say something i would get a response of "oh it speaks!" or I remember one cousin saying I haven't listened to a word you've said as I'm just shocked that you're even speaking. There was one time my dsis told me when I was older that she would never give me a job as I wasn't a good candidate as I "don't have any social skills". I had horrible teachers in reception all the way to year 4 when I had a lovely teacher who looking back tried to instill some confidence in me but I think the damage was already done by then.

Even now as an adult I get comments from my family about - how did you get that job ? You must have been the only applicant. I'm doing "X" - you won't be able to do that. I could go on.

I think the culmination of a thousand negative comments over the years over and over again has made me internalise it and it's become my belief system that I don't know how to change.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

I would say this needs medication and EDMR therapy. My friend had social anxiety from a very early age. The therapist went right back to the moment it started. It helps to move the memories to a different part of the brain. My friend is like a different person now. Strong and resilient.

How did the therapist / your friend know the exact point it started. I have no idea when it started.

@Onetraumaatatimeplease I am so sorry that happened to you.
I avoided doctors for many years over fear of being treated in that way
Luckily for me when I eventually found the courage to go to talk about how depressed I was feeling the doctor I saw was wonderful.
Please know that the only person deserving of distain and disgust was the doctor you saw, not you. A huge part of their jobs is to listen to, respect and reassure people, so she was performing absolutely terribly.
I would absolutely encourage you to try again with someone else, although I know that can feel like a huge, terrifying thing to do ❤️

Another thing that I find frustrating is people saying just go out, go to the parties, and the gatherings and the social events and the more you go the better it will be.

Well I have been a lots and lots of events and honestly it's exactly the same each time and things don't get better. I try speaking and try to be more chatty but it all falls flat on its face and I end up feeling worse and worse. Where am I going wrong.

Well,it sounds fairly clear from what you say in your subsequent post, @kingtonne, that a normal shyness/reserve in childhood was pathologised by your family’s and teachers’ unpleasantness about it, to the extent that you became incredibly self-conscious about it to the point of paralysis. And now it’s frozen into a paralysing belief you have about yourself, that you’re just ‘like that’ inherently and therefore can never change.

Whereas it seems to me that you’ve internalised some very damaging scripts that are severely damaging your adult life and self-esteem.

I sympathise, as I internalised some awful, unhelpful parental scripts about friendships, confidence and social behaviour from my own parents, and it took a LOT of work to put them in their place and stop my life being limited by them. Things like starting university and moving country to somewhere where no one had any preconceptions about me was a good starting point. Do you find it easier in new environments where people aren’t performing passive-aggressive surprise when you speak?

Do you live close to your family? They don’t sound good for you,

@Onetraumaatatimeplease

I feel like this as well. Was in an abusive relationship for twenty years and it's destroyed me. I went for an interview the other day and couldn't answer the questions because I was so focused on my trembling. Didn't get it, even though I know I can do the job, feedback was "you need to expand your answers". I went to my gp a few years back hoping she'd prescribe beta blockers or anti depressants or something. She threw me a look of disgust/disdain as I cried, pointed to my shaking hands (so bad I can't use my left hand for anything) and told me no medication would stop that. That was it, I slunk out of the office a little bit more wounded and haven't been back since. I don't know what to do, I feel like im just living and waiting to die.

I'm so sorry. That is a horrible thing to happen. At least you had the courage to go. Please don't let it stop you from seeking help. Is there another doc in the surgery you can make an appt with or completely change GP. I cannot go to the doc for this. I am too embarrassed to go.

Oh op it is no wonder you have issues, your family sound emotionally abusive and I would reduce or stop contact with them for starters.

Quiet is fine. The most interesting people I know are introverts. The loud self proclaimed 'bubbly' people are usually a right self obsessed pita and best avoided.

Just find like minded people, avoid the big mouths and find the interesting people. Try online chat rooms see if there are other people locally looking for a friend. Do you have a dog? Dog walks are great for chatting to people.

Your family have brainwashed you into thinking you don't have any social skills because they probably never tried to engage with you meaningfully. They are the problem, not you.

Good luck

@kingtonne sorry to hear you've felt like this for so long. Have you tried medication at all? I'm on Sertraline and it's been an absolute lifesaver for me.

@kingtonne Isn't it incredible that people can come out with such rude statements as 'oh, it speaks!' and then acuse others of having no social skills?!😂

Unfortunately I think it's relatively common that children who are naturally quiet/shy/reserved/introverted etc are made to feel wrong and develop lifelong anxiety as a result

I really recommend 'Quiet' by Susan Cain and 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine N Aron. They helped me begin to see there was nothing wrong with me as a person, that quiet and introverted people have a lot to offer and that we don't all need to force ourselves to be extroverted and outgoing to have fulfilling lives. That was a good starting point to begin to tackle the anxiety which was all connected to that

One thing I do find difficult is trying to distinguish where my introversion ends and the anxiety begins. For example if I'm invited to a social event and my immediate response is 'urgh, can I get out if this?' Is this because I just much prefer spending time alone because that's just what I enjoy, or is it that I enjoy spending time alone more because I know I'll feel anxious in a group. Is there a bit of me that actually wants to go, but is afraid?

'Just go' never worked well for me- I could only cope with social occasions by drinking and I'd spend days afterwards reliving all the cringeworthy things I said (or didn't say!) Now i have things somewhat under control I only occasionally go to events and only when I have a good reason for going or I want to go- but figuring out if I do want to go or not is so hard! And if I go I don't put pressure on myself. I focus on observing and listening to others rather than worrying about what to say or whether they like me or not. And I let myself leave early

Another one here, socially anxious since having to go into Sunday school age 4 by myself and thinking my dad wouldn’t come to pick me up afterwards (he was always last to pick me up as he would talk to the grown ups after the service). He was very anxious and apparently my grandmother was too.
SA has affected my education (got a lower degree grade than expected) and my career. Few friends. Really struggling with making ‘mum’ friends.
Have tried cbt several times - no joy. Did about four weeks of NLP but too expensive to continue.
Did six weeks of counselling which is the most the GP would offer - didn’t really help.
Started sertraline and propranolol again recently - helps slightly.
Really relate to the op who mentioned going out and doing things - the more you get out there and socialise the better you get at it - that’s just not true in my case.

I do suspect autism as I find at work I often don’t really understand how to join in and how to take part in group conversations, e.g. I always get turn taking wrong.
EMDR is interesting. I will have to research that.

I used to feel so stressed and anxious about kids parties. I would get quite worked up about it. 2 hours of having to chat shit to people I don't really know. I have just forced myself to do it, I think that I don't want my kids to miss out because of my issues. It's not the best but I've muddled through.

I think it would be really good to meet other people like me like in a group therapy setting or something. When I asked the therapist she said that they had in the past but noone was interested and wanted to turn up!

For me, I feel like I'm programmed 'wrong'. Something is so innately wrong with me that I don't know how to change it - my negative thoughts and behaviours are so deeply ingrained.

Could Autism be a possibility?

@JaniieJones

Quiet is fine. The most interesting people I know are introverts. The loud self proclaimed 'bubbly' people are usually a right self obsessed pita and best avoided.

Quiet is absolutely fine and I'm sorry to derail but this "the loud self proclaimed 'bubbly people' thing is just pure spite. I'm really sorry for everything the OP and other people on this thread have gone through but I'm equally tired of the "get extroverts" trend which has developed in recent years.

Extroverts and more superficially socially confident people can also be masking anxiety and difficulties. And attacking everyone who isn't exactly like you isn't helping anyone with anxiety to become more confident.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@JaniieJones

Quiet is fine. The most interesting people I know are introverts. The loud self proclaimed 'bubbly' people are usually a right self obsessed pita and best avoided.

Quiet is absolutely fine and I'm sorry to derail but this "the loud self proclaimed 'bubbly people' thing is just pure spite. I'm really sorry for everything the OP and other people on this thread have gone through but I'm equally tired of the "get extroverts" trend which has developed in recent years.

Extroverts and more superficially socially confident people can also be masking anxiety and difficulties. And attacking everyone who isn't exactly like you isn't helping anyone with anxiety to become more confident.[/quote]
Agreed, @thepeopleversuswork. I do get very tired of the negative stereotyping of qualities perceived to be ‘extrovert’(and which often come from a misunderstanding of extroversion and introversion, anyway). If you’ve suffered from negativity towards you because you’ve been typed as ‘boring’, ‘too quiet’, ‘stand-offish’ etc — and you know this in no way reflects the reality of who you are — surely you should grasp that labelling apparently socially-confident people as ‘loud’ and ‘PITA’ is equally unfair and potentially inaccurate.

'but I'm equally tired of the "get extroverts" trend which has developed in recent years.'

Perhaps you could start a new thread to discuss it.

On this thread the op has discussed been brought up to think there is something wrong with being quiet. I'm merely giving my opinion through many years of experience either at work or socially that more introverted people are usually the ones who are more interesting, if loud mouths stop to take a breath and allow others to get a word in edgeways that is. I'm not out to 'get' anyone.