Am I being a Bridezilla?

[ChaosIX]

I (35f) am getting married this year. My partner and I just want to be married, and to have fun with our friends and family. But my mother argued with me about so many things that she has now completely taken over the wedding, and we have let her. My mother is having whatever she wants and that's cool, she's happy, I'm happy.

However... its gotten to the point now that its like its almost not my wedding anymore.
There's been a few instances where I've let her have her way even though I wasn't happy. For example, she said if my bridesmaids came dress shopping with me then she wouldn't be going because she didn't want me listening to other people's opinions! So I basically had to choose between her and my bests friends. She won obviously.
But now its all kicked off because my mum has bought a jumpsuit for the wedding but she cant do it up or down herself.

So she told me I'd have to help her and be her toilet assistant all day... ON MY WEDDING DAY!

I said to her no, I dont want to have to be constantly being asked to accompany you to the toilet and to have to look for you when I go.

I said you can get a zipper aid and showd her but now shes thrown a fit about it, said shes sendng the outfit back because I'm being a bridezilla and selfish and ungrateful etc etc

But I'm actually shocked she actually expects me, the bride, to be on hand to her.

So am I being unreasonable to not want to spend MY wedding day being my mother's toilet assistant?

Info: the wedding is at the family farm, and the toilet block will be outside across the yard (which will potentially be muddy if it's raining)

My advice would be to actually get married in a registry office sometime between now and whenever this shit-show that your mother has commandeered is supposed to happen. Have a dinner out with your friends and have THAT as your wedding day.

When this 'event' that your mother has taken control of is scheduled to happen, just announce on the day that you're having a blessing and not a wedding ceremony (perhaps you might need to have had a separate and quiet word with the vicar/priest/celebrant before hand to let them know) and just sit back and enjoy the party as opposed to having the stresses of it being a wedding day.

@Timesup87

I don’t think you’re being a bridezilla by not wanting to spend your wedding day in and out of the toilet by your overpowering mother. I can empathise with your situation; my mum wanted me to stick my head around the church door and see what colour my mother in-law to be was wearing, so my mum could make sure she was in a different outfit and arrive after me, to my wedding. She repeatedly told me that after me, she was the next most important person of the day.

Some mums seem to drop all sense and turn it into a sideshow that revolves around them. I worked in bridal for a while and WOW, some MOTB were absolutely VILE!! Let her have a rant and get a new outfit, sounds like it’s all about her in every other aspect anyway. Good luck x

@Timesup87 please tell us what happened on the day! Did she go in ahead of you, and were they wearing matching outfits?

@ChaosIX

No she's not paying. And up until this latest incident an a few others which were dealt with, it's actually been great that's she's taken over. Because I don't want to plan a wedding. It's boring as fuck. So there is nothing to "nip in the bud"

But I do want to enjoy my wedding day!

The issue was me being her assistant on THE DAY. NOT the planning of the wedding. I don't think you read the post properly...??

I’m sure the poster did read the post properly- it does seem like an issue because you are an adult and are showing a serious lack of boundaries- such as not allowing your friends to come shopping with you. I agree that wedding planning is boring so just have a low key wedding that you organise yourself.

[quote ChaosIX]@Thewindwhispers we have the final say on all decisions but my mum is sensitive and easily offended so we have to be delicate. But I thought this was just way too far and ridiculous.
she acted like a petulant child to be honest with the whole "well ill send it back then!"
Because obviously I'm the bad guy now for making her send back the outfit she loved and ruining the day for her.[/quote]
You're deluded and not bridezilla if you think you have the final say on all decisions. If you genuinely did have the final say, she wouldn't be causing you all of this stress.
She wouldn't have picked the location.
She wouldn't have made you pick between her and your Bridesmaids when going dress shopping
She wouldn't have picked an inappropriate outfit for the day and then kicked off because you (the bride) wouldn't accompany her every time she wants to go to the toilet so that her zipper can be done up..
She gets to pick the flowers she wants, not you.
She gets to pick the cake she wants, not you.
She gets to pick the decorations she wants, not you.

Remind me again, which of the two of you is actually getting married here???

If you don't like the wedding planning bit, hire a neutral person like a Wedding Planner but don't let your mother commandeer the situation to suit her requirements.
SHE is the one being bridezilla.

Take back control here.

My MIL tried making demands about our wedding and insisting she had a say on XYZ. We wanted something low key. The marriage is what is important not the wedding. In the end it got so much we just booked the registry office and went with two witnesses. I suggest you do the same as you don’t sound like you want it either.

I can't believe that I'm actually going to post for a third time in such quick succession but all I will say here is what does your fiance think of the situation?
Finally, if this is what your mother is like when organising a wedding can you imagine what she would be like if/when you have children.

Please establish your boundaries NOW and not in a week or months time. Put your foot down and deal with the situation that you have allowed to happen in front of your eyes.

I really feel for your husband to be. If I were him, I'd be giving serious consideration to be running for the hills with a possible MiL like your mum is.

You have bridesmaids, delegate it to one of them

@ChaosIX

No she's not paying. And up until this latest incident an a few others which were dealt with, it's actually been great that's she's taken over. Because I don't want to plan a wedding. It's boring as fuck. So there is nothing to "nip in the bud"

But I do want to enjoy my wedding day!

The issue was me being her assistant on THE DAY. NOT the planning of the wedding. I don't think you read the post properly...??

You say that you don't think people read the post properly but maybe you should read it back to yourself.

"But my mother argued with me about so many things"

"However... its gotten to the point now that its like its almost not my wedding anymore."

"There's been a few instances where I've let her have her way even though I wasn't happy."

@ChaosIX

I don't want to organise the wedding. I've been happy to let her get on with it. Her organising the wedding and throwing the party she wants is not the issue!! I don't care about cakes and flowers and decorations and all that non sense! We want to get married, and have a few drinks and some laughs with friends and family. That's it! But I don't want to be running back and forth to the toilet with my mother every time she needs to go 🙄

I'm with you re not wanting to organise. My wedding day has never been a day I'd dreamed of my whole life. I always felt I would have lots of special days and it was depressing to think of making so much about one day only and holding onto it tightly like some people do as though they'll never have a nice moment again. The marriage was always way more important to me so like you I just wanted to get married. Accordingly I spent the most money on our rings not my dress or anything as we wear them everyday. I got married abroad so it could be small and a holiday. And I had a planner who made alot of the decisions as I really was not fussed. We had a lovely wedding.

I dont think you're lazy like a PP insulting you said. I just think your priorities are different like mine.

And your mum is being unreasonable given you have let her guide most of this and you shouldn't be going to the toilet with her constantly. No way you're a bridezilla lol

You are 35 ,you are not an 18 year old farmers daughter ,who is getting married in 1950. Stand up for yourself. People get involved with their own weddings because they love all the 'faff' or because they want things to be/look/cost what they are happy with. MOB in a jumpsuit is an interesting 'look' for the day. She must be very confident/pleased with how she looks. Is she a narcissistic personality type.

Some mums seem to drop all sense and turn it into a sideshow that revolves around them. I worked in bridal for a while and WOW, some MOTB were absolutely VILE!! Let her have a rant and get a new outfit, sounds like it’s all about her in every other aspect anyway. Good luck x

This is why I put boundaries in place immediately with my mum. She was insisting on paying for my dress, and then started saying that she should get an opinion on my dress since she is paying for it. What she meant was I want the final choice even if you don't like it. Told her firmly that's not happening and I'm having whatever dress I want even if she doesn't like it, and if she doesn't like that I'll pay for it. She had a grump, but shut up after that. But if I hadn't done that, she'd have tried deciding on everything else.

@RantyAunty

Change your wedding back to registry and pub.

Your mum is ruining your wedding.

Do this

Stop being wet lettuce, and say no

You're 35 not 3.5

Hi OP

I'm sorry but your relationship with your mum sounds really fucked up. It may be that you're so enmeshed in it that you cant see it, but whether she has organised a lot of your wedding or not, it's not normal for her to demand you choose between her and your friends (on a decision about bridesmaids dresses which affects your friends much more than her) and it's not normal that you chose your mum in this instance. You say she is sensitive and you have to handle her carefully (think I'm paraphrasing) but it sounds like she is extremely emotionally manipulative - her crying when she doesn't get her own way is her tried and tested method of getting her own daughter to do as she pleases. And the fact that you're actually asking if you're being unreasonable speaks volumes, of course you're not being unreasonable to not want to be someone elses assistant on your wedding day. The fact that you even have to ask for a second opinion on this speaks volumes.

The only thing you can do is say no but it sounds like however nicely you do this, she is so manipulative she will find a way to emotionally 'punish' you for this.

I'm sorry to say I think I'd be reconsidering the wedding. If she wants a family celebration let her organise a big family party the day after the wedding or something or have a party for her birthday or something. As I'd put money on the day that she will get pissed off with you for something and try and spoil your day (want to join in with all your couple photos or cut the cake or some other batshittery and then flounce off when you say no).

I say this as someone who didnt want to be arsed with organising my own wedding- we went abroad, did it on the cheap, and every decision was made in once weekend as it was all picked from a few options on a menu. My mum would have absolutely loved a massive family party as well, but she didn't even say anything. I got my dress off the high street in my lunch hour from work, I know she would have loved to do things like dress shopping with me, but she didn't say anything. Because its nothing to do with her. That's a normal and healthy dynamic between parent and child.

Sorry I know you didnt ask to be psycho analysed but your post is raising red flags about how your mum treats you and how you let her so I think people think this runs a lot deeper than a question about a jumpsuit and a wedding, as most mothers just wouldn't even consider asking this

Your being unreasonable allowing your mother to control a day that is supposed to be about you and your husband and your own likes and personality displayed through your wedding.

Mothers will naturally want an input but your mothers demands is off the scale. You are not being a bridezilla far from it but you do have a mumzilla on your hands lol

@ChaosIX Who's choosing the bridesmaid dresses if your mum is choosing yours? (Don't kid yourself that you'll get much of a say, she'll run roughshod over you if your choice isn't what she wants). It's really unfair to not let your bridesmaids have any sort of say and tbh I'd appreciate my friends' opinions about dresses over my mum's.

You'll end up regretting it massively if you allow your mum to arrange your wedding for you. I know it's about the marriage and not "the day", I feel like that too, but I also had my mum making decisions about my dress and I deeply regret that I allowed it to happen. (I actually threw my dress away after a few years in storage, I cared so little about it.)

I wish I had been able to go dress shopping with my sister like I'd wanted, but she (my mum) insisted I have my dress made for me by her friend who makes wedding dresses. She felt it was fair because she had done this for sister's dress, I felt resentful because if she was picking up the tab for the material I would feel restricted in what material I chose. It was not what I wanted and I lacked the gumption to say "Mum, thanks but I do not want this. No offence to your pal but I want to do my dress my way."

Don't be me OP, and those other posters whose mums got to arrange what they wanted. Even if it's just one thing, like my dress, it will be the thing you think of most when you remember your wedding. Put your foot down and take control back!

You and your DP are ending up as supporting actors in your Mum’s fantasy wedding.

OP, please please post a link to the jumpsuit, I am really intrigued about someone who wants the whole cake and flowers shebang but chooses to wear a jumpsuit.

Also, does she have your Dad or a Dp or other offspring and why wouldn’t she think to ask them?

It all sounds …. odd.

Very odd.

Stop pandering to your mum. It’s your wedding. It should be the wedding you and your partner want, it’s not up to her, she’s presumably had her own wedding when she could have it her own way. If she’s not happy with your choices, that’s her problem, don’t let her make it yours.

Of course YANBU to not want to be on call to unzip her outfit throughout your wedding. She either needs to find a different outfit, find another sucker to help her or figure out a way to manage it herself.

Just hide every time you’d we her looking around for your😂

* My partner and I just want to be married, and to have fun with our friends and family.*

but can’t be arsed to ensure that
So you allow your unpleasant and completely mad mother to organise everything

well - sounds like your wedding is going to be…. Interesting shall we say

Cancel all the wedding plans and elope.

@Tsuni

Cancel all the wedding plans and elope.

That would require effort though

Your DM sounds insufferable but so do you Op, to be honest.

Enmeshed.

This is the time to assert your boundaries. This is your hill to die on I'm afraid, at 35 on your wedding day find your NO. Grey rock the guilt trip. Laugh and say absolutely not. There can be another allocated toilet attendee or the jumpsuit goes back. If the madness continues it will be on her. Say seriously it's not happening if she is that truculent over her dress choice it'll be something else then something else... Line in sand now.

Zipzilla