Am I being a Bridezilla?

[ChaosIX]

I (35f) am getting married this year. My partner and I just want to be married, and to have fun with our friends and family. But my mother argued with me about so many things that she has now completely taken over the wedding, and we have let her. My mother is having whatever she wants and that's cool, she's happy, I'm happy.

However... its gotten to the point now that its like its almost not my wedding anymore.
There's been a few instances where I've let her have her way even though I wasn't happy. For example, she said if my bridesmaids came dress shopping with me then she wouldn't be going because she didn't want me listening to other people's opinions! So I basically had to choose between her and my bests friends. She won obviously.
But now its all kicked off because my mum has bought a jumpsuit for the wedding but she cant do it up or down herself.

So she told me I'd have to help her and be her toilet assistant all day... ON MY WEDDING DAY!

I said to her no, I dont want to have to be constantly being asked to accompany you to the toilet and to have to look for you when I go.

I said you can get a zipper aid and showd her but now shes thrown a fit about it, said shes sendng the outfit back because I'm being a bridezilla and selfish and ungrateful etc etc

But I'm actually shocked she actually expects me, the bride, to be on hand to her.

So am I being unreasonable to not want to spend MY wedding day being my mother's toilet assistant?

Info: the wedding is at the family farm, and the toilet block will be outside across the yard (which will potentially be muddy if it's raining)

You actually said “ However... its gotten to the point now that its like its almost not my wedding anymore.” And complained about having to choose between her and your friends, etc….
When people are telling you that you have chosen the easy way out and should realise that your mum is a wedding tyrant, you are getting defensive. Perhaps your story should go like this…
“I didn’t want to plan my wedding because it’s too much faff. I allowed my mum to make all the decisions, even though I’m paying for everything and didn’t necessarily agree with everything. Now she’s bought a jumpsuit to wear to the wedding and is insisting that I make myself available to manage the zipper on the back every time she goes to the loo on the day of my wedding. I have said no, and she says I’m being a Bridezilla.”

Your mum is never going to be happy. So you agreeing to whatever she wants for your wedding is just you putting off the time when you need to put boundaries in place. She has started already.

After your wedding she will be on about how you are spending the rest of your life, when you should have children, how you should look after them etc. You are doing yourself no favours by being a passive bystander at your own wedding.

And where is your husband to be in all this?!

Let her strop.

Then tell her if she doesn't pack it in, it'll be cancelled and you'll just book the registry office and go for a drink afterwards with those who want to come.

Change your wedding back to registry and pub.

Your mum is ruining your wedding.

Of course YANBU, and don't let a stupid term like "Bridezilla" stop you doing what you want on your wedding day. Weddings cost a lot of money and are a big deal, and you've already compromised a lot.

Bridezilla is an awful word. It pushes women down and stops them from doing/ getting what they want on what is, for some, one of the most important days of their lives. If your mum is calling you this for not wanting to assist with her outfit on your special day (I don't know if she is), I think you need to stand up to her.

Either way, you need to tell her in uncertain terms to get a different outfit or a different assistant.

I don't believe for a moment, and your posts support this, that this is the only moment she's had a tantrum. The difference is that she's never managed to find your final straw. And now she has.

Yes, she is abu, but yabu to pretend that this is a bolt from the blue.

You're definitely the frog in warm water in this relationship. Would be fascinating to see what else she does that you think is OK.

She's not going on honeymoon with you, is she?

The opening post is all over the place but it seems all you care about is not being a toilet assistant on the day, which is fair enough. Just tell her in no uncertain terms that of course you won’t do that on your wedding and to make her own arrangements.

Of course you shouldn’t be trekking back and forth every time she needs the loo! How ridiculous. Your mum sounds very controlling, but then you’ve handed over the control. Asking you to do her zip is batshit!

Change your wedding plans back to what you want and don’t indulge her behaviour any one.

She is being ridiculous and unkind and you are being unreasonable by giving in to it all (even if for good reasons / a quiet life).

My mother ruined my wedding day with very similar behaviour and I’ve never really made peace with it.

Look your mum is nuts. (Sorry but yes).
You have, to date, channelled this insanity admirably as I am sure you are well aware of the bigger picture dysfunction at play here.

We got married in the pandemic and I was really happy as I dodged wedding planning in the main. We did a registry and a fancy restaurant they handled everything inc cake.
My Hairdresser had a nail lady and her sister was a florist so it was a breeze... except for my mil who was very difficult (geography, our relationship and the fact she was my mil meant she couldn't mess with things directly as much as your mum but still...)

I think you attempt to take the same tact as you have so far here... which is the path of least resistance. is there a bridesmaid she knows/has met who will fall on their sword for you and be her piss assistant????
I had one of my BMs agree to be on MIL watch (she's prone to attention seeking and public hysterical crying 🙄) I got her an extra nice bridesmaid gift to say thanks

You then say "mum Sarah can help with the jumpsuit or you can pick another outfit"
(This is a method of managing toddler's called forced choice. It has been surprisingly effective in managing my MIL)

This won't stop with the wedding. I can promise you that. I know you state that you don't care about wedding planning and hence okay with her taking over but....it won't end there because this isn't about a wedding but a mother who doesn't see your boundaries as they don't exist in her eyes.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, just trying to help you see reason. What happens if you decide to have a child? Will the pregnancy be all about her too? Will she insist on moving in and taking care of baby? I think it sounds far-fetched now but unless you firmly draw a line yourself, you are in for endless arguments over nothing.

What I'd do is say something along the lines of: Thank you mum for organizing the wedding. I really appreciate all your hard work. However now it's time to focus on being a guest;-) DH-to-be and I are so very excited for our big day. Have you found someone to help you with your jumpsuit as clearly as the bride, I won't be able to. Otherwise, worth getting something more comfortable? It's up to you though.

Something like that. If she's upset or continues to be upset, that's on her. You aren't responsible for her feelings & manipulations. PLEASE do not get her involved in anything that requires help in future EVEN if it's convenient. It's not too late to get a handle on this but it will require you learn to ignore her manipulative attempts at steering you.

@TenoringBehind

Change your wedding plans back to what you want and don’t indulge her behaviour any one.

She is being ridiculous and unkind and you are being unreasonable by giving in to it all (even if for good reasons / a quiet life).

My mother ruined my wedding day with very similar behaviour and I’ve never really made peace with it.

My mother ruined many important days in my life, it's why we have a stilted relationship. I'm sorry your mum hijacked your wedding. If it's any consolation, mine cried when I hired a nanny because it meant I wouldn't allow her to move in with me and take care of her grandchild. Months of guilt ridden messages followed, all about her various health ailments and how death was waiting for her...

It's enough to make anyone want to tear at their face. I hope OP for her own sake nips this in the bud.

Your big mistake, which I am sure you realise, is giving in to her so much already. It’s never enough for people like your Dm.

Sorry but however much it might feel like the right decision now letting your mum take over, you will regret it on the day. She is being a nightmare now and will be an even worse nightmare on the day. You need to stop this now, even if it means cancelling the thing and doing it in a registry office without her there. YANBU about the zip, but YABU about everything else.

You are very snappy with people on here considering all you care about is the jumpsuit…… methinks the lady doth protest too much. Stop being a lazy wet blanket if this isn’t what you want, and sort your wedding the way you actually want it!

OP this has disaster written all over it. Like you, I didn't give a toot about flowers & centrepieces etc so my mum arranged my wedding, as it was in my home town and I was working down south. However, she kept consulting me (my usual reply was 'I don't mind, whatever you think') and if I had felt strongly about something that would have been it. Plus, I was 26, so nearly 10 years younger than you and my parents were picking up quite a bit of the tab.

Your situation sounds untenable, at your age and stage with a wildly controlling mother. Honestly, I would cancel now & go back to your original plan of registry office and pub. I cannot see this day being a happy memory for you.

Wedding planning is not something that is difficult unless you make it difficult. With the internet at your fingertips it is incredibly easy.

You have given her free reign and she is now riding that wave all the way to the beach. You have said it is starting to feel like it isn't your wedding. That is what you need to sort out now. Don't have a wedding you don't want. My Mum was completely supportive of whatever wedding both me and my sister wanted. My sister had a huge 100+ people wedding. Mine was 32. My Mum got the wedding she wanted and she wanted the same for us.

‘ she's happy, I'm happy’ That’s clearly not the case, and it’d be unhealthy if it was!

YABU not to have organised it yourself with your fiance. And to post identifiable info - tabloid fodder!

It's bonkere that you needed our opinions on this. As if there is any question of you being unreasonable, she sounds unhinged.

However, you'll read all these conments and agree your mum is crackers before finally agreeing to be her toilet assistant to avoid conflict. You're not a Bridezilla, you're a Bridemartyr.

I think the problem is , you have let her take over as you can't be bothered . It's now becoming her day as she's put in all the work. So yes she's chosen an outfit for her big day . Up for until now you have gone along with everything she wants so it's come as a bit of a shock to her that you don't approve of the outfit she's chosen .

No your mum shouldn't expect or even want you to do this on your wedding day!
Sounds like your mum now thinks it's her day as she is planning in all! You were right to say no mum. That's a bit much and isn't going to happen. Hope everything works out and you enjoy it they way you want too cxx

[quote ChaosIX]@Thewindwhispers we have the final say on all decisions but my mum is sensitive and easily offended so we have to be delicate. But I thought this was just way too far and ridiculous.
she acted like a petulant child to be honest with the whole "well ill send it back then!"
Because obviously I'm the bad guy now for making her send back the outfit she loved and ruining the day for her.[/quote]
The fact she behaves like that is her problem. Just tell her no.

Had this with MIL, ending up changin venue for wedding and reception 3 times to suit her, and other reatives she expected to be invited. Originally we were going to Gretna Green, just us (middle aged second wedding) and DKs, got to the stage, after speaking to her on the phone, went in to DH crying my eyes out, said if she said one more fucking word, the wedding was off, he laughed, I was serious. I even tried to get a register office, get married quickly without anyone there. We had booked our Honeymoon, had to have that before the wedding or loose the money.Stick to your guns, I wish to God I had. I had HER wedding not mine

Oh darling, I’m 43, have had the wedding, it can be stressful.
Your mum is being totally unreasonable and isn’t supporting you. It sounds like she’s having her wedding, maybe she didn’t get what she wanted first time round.
If she’s like this now, imagine the day, when it should be all about you and your partner.
Sit her down calmly- over tea and tell her your wishes and how you’ll be very busy speaking, having photos - perhaps an aunty or friend , partner can help.
All other details you want as a surprise for her - then do them yourself.
Tell her but don’t include her, however give her stuff to do like invites or flowers etc
I feel so much for you. Sending love ❤️

So I basically had to choose between her and my bests friends. She won obviously.

Why is that obvious? At 35, I'd be prioritising friends over my mum. I chose my friends, I didn't choose my mum. And I agree with PP - her taking over the wedding and you allowing her to is part and parcel of the problem. You (plural) have made it all about her and now you (singular) have finally had enough, you can't see why.