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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use 70% annual leave to do solo sporting events?

102 replies

Blinkingbatshit · 24/02/2022 15:40

I am fully aware this is a first world problem but….Finally got dh to sit down and discuss annual leave / holiday bookings for this year - it’s no wonder he’s been reticent!! Turns out, other than a week at Easter and a week in the summer (both uk cottage hols) he has used ALL holiday left over (till 2023!) to book to go to do his sport (not cycling…I know that’s the usual so thought I’d clarify early!). He said ‘sorry, you can’t book that week abroad you wanted to in the summer’, I said ‘well, I can still take kids away abroad, I’ll just go less far as I don’t want to drive solo too long’. Before he had a chance to say it’s not ok I left the room. Just because he’s prioritising himself why should I and, actually particularly, the kids miss out?! The four of us are perfectly capable of going without him, however it makes me really sad that he doesn’t see what he’s missing. I just find it amazing that he will inevitably tell me I’m unreasonable for going without him when he’s made his choice. Gah, I’m sure some will say I’m being spoilt - why doesn’t he want to spend time with us🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
CuteOrangeElephant · 24/02/2022 18:24

What happens when an emergency comes up? Are you expected to take up all that slack as well?

givethatbabyaname · 24/02/2022 18:32

Wtf? He'll sulk because he's being left out?

He's choosing to opt out! He's invited, he's just choosing to do something else.

Have I missed something that might justify him feeling left out?

And why on earth would you feel guilty? What have you done wrong? What is he expecting you to do? PLEASE don't say that he wants you all to do school/work/home when he's doing his sports, and that when it's time for you to have your holidays he wants you to sit at home so he doesn't feel left out. PLEASE don't say it's possible that a man could be quite that pathetically childish???

Scout2016 · 24/02/2022 18:40

It's lucky but irrelevant that your kids are OK company OP. They are too young to be home alone - is his hobby taking him away overnight or out for most of the day? Because if so that means you have been given responsibility for all that childcare without any consultation, and get no time to yourself either.
Are this things in term time, is he working through their school holidays? Or is he off when they are but not spending it with them?
Aside from having prioritised his fee time going on his hobby. Does it take up weekends too?
Really lousy thing of him to do.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/02/2022 18:43

Can't be Triathlon because he'd never be in the house after finishing work.

Running? He'd never be around at the weekends, especially not Sundays as that would be Long Run Day.

Could be climbing. That involves travelling a lot.

I'm taking guesses because the rest of it doesn't seem worth discussing. He chose to not be there, he doesn't get to decide how you spend the weeks when he's up a cliff/running up a hillside/slapping on the creosote and bikini bottom pants for bodybuilding comps/whatever.

I do think you should spend double just to make up for the extra person's worth of entertainment you'll be needing to provide, though. Make it somewhere where it isn't all work for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2022 18:54

When he sulks I'd calmly ask, "are you saying that you've prioritised having fun on your own during your holidays but you don't want me to do the same for the children?"

And I'd book a solo trip of my own and ask how he's covering it.

Wanker.

stimpyyouidiot · 24/02/2022 18:58

What the fuuuuuuck

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 19:02

You can go somewhere really nice if you’ve budgeted £ for family holiday abroad and have one less person to pay for.

Annasgirl · 24/02/2022 19:05

I clicked on this thread hoping (against all my MN experience), that you might be the first woman with young DC, to come on here and ask us if YOU were being unreasonable to take 70% of your annual leave to spend on a hobby .

But no. As usual it’s the dickhead DH.

AgathaMystery · 24/02/2022 19:06

I’d fly somewhere. Use the same budget you would for a week for 4 of you. Don’t worry about driving. Indulge yourself!

WhatAHexIGotInto · 24/02/2022 19:14

My DH has booked half term week in May to go away with friends for a sporting event.

I had no problem with him going to this event when we talked about it, he just omitted to mention that it is actually half term week. It's fine, DCs are older and DS will be doing his own thing and DD and I will have a lovely time. I know this because I have booked for the three of us to go to Spain in the same week. DH was a bit Hmm initially until I said 'Hang on, did you think it was OK to bugger off for a week with your mates and we would just sit at home?' He couldn't really say anything at all.

TrufflesAndToast · 24/02/2022 19:23

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

I cannot imagine a world, where my husband would book all his annual leave, without discussion, to go and do his own thing and leave me to cover school holidays (if kids are at school).

I'd be fucking fuming.

This. There is something seriously wrong with him as a husband and father that the idea even crossed his mind. He’s fundamentally not engaged with family life. What does he imagine would happen if you had done the same?

I would seriously be asking him if he actually wants to remain as part of a family because it doesn’t look like it. And then ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself and your kids.

Hankunamatata · 24/02/2022 19:27

I'd be booking somewhere in the Caribbean, all inclusive for you and the kids

waitingpatientlyforspring · 24/02/2022 19:29

I'm pissed that my dh got to end of holiday year with 6 days he hasn't booked (he had this week booked), so is having 6 days off to himself taking a Thursday/Friday each month for three months. This is on too of two 'recovery' days for nights out.

I've had one non child/school holiday this year. I work in education so can't take many days in term time.

My dh now works from home so unless we had plans on days when I was off he didn't see the point in taking annual leave as he was home anyway. So that 25% almost and I'm pissed. 70% and I would be enraged!

Taking

supersop60 · 24/02/2022 19:33

@MostlyHappyMummy

Wow Not sure if there's something in the water, but it seems like every other thread over the last couple of weeks has been about men who are behaving like dickheads and women who have convinced themselves that they should put up with it and be grateful to boot. Either that, or they're all made up because it seems unfathomable that women put up with this crap.
The people that are happy with their lot are not posting on MN
Nanny0gg · 24/02/2022 19:44

@Blinkingbatshit

Thanks all - it’s nice to get a reality check and know I’m not insane. Kids are actually now easy ages - end of primary to mid secondary, so it’s actually pretty fun going away with them. They’re growing up and the opportunity to spend time with them like this will be gone soon. I’ve always been main carer - until covid he worked away the vast majority of every week….I can only assume he feels now that he mostly wfh then that counts as quality time and he doesn’t need more. Yes, I’ll happily take them away on my own - he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out and I’ll be made to feel guilty but it’s not like he didn’t have the option!! Thanks all.
He can't make you feel guilty.

You're not being unreasonable. he is

Please don't facilitate meals for him whilst away or help him prepare for his trips

Arse.

LowlandLucky · 24/02/2022 19:54

He is a selfish git. He would be living on his own permanently.

affairsofdragons · 24/02/2022 19:58

@FennecShandDoesEverything

He doesn't want you to go away if he can't come, but he's booked up all his annual leave with solo sport?!?!

He can get to fuck, and when he gets there, he can get there some more. What a dick.

First response nails it

He's a selfish twat. Book what you want when you want since he's done this.

CoffeeRunner · 24/02/2022 19:59

Oh no. If DH did this he would no longer be DH & that's not me exaggerating.

Asking if you would mind, having a discussion - all fine. Just booking up the year with no consideration whatsoever - nope.

Travis1 · 24/02/2022 20:06

Fucksake I feel guilty enough that I go away for a week each December without DH and we have no kids. You are not being unreasonable. How is he on other ways?

bobthebuilderofstars · 24/02/2022 20:07

He’s an arse !

Look for a nice TUi break. I did with 2 kids when in a similar situ and had an amazing time.

ChaToilLeam · 24/02/2022 20:09

What a selfish, arrogant arsehole of a man! And then has the temerity to whine that he’d be missing out if you went away with the kids?

Go, and have an absolutely fabulous holiday. And don’t lift a finger for him, ever. If he checks out of family life like this, those are the consequences.

2DogsOnMySofa · 24/02/2022 20:13

Double arsehole points, one set for using 70% of his annual leave, and double again for having the audacity to sulk when you and the dc go on holidays

ralanne · 24/02/2022 20:22

What a knob.

Let him sulk. Make sure you DON'T feel guilty. Challenge anything he says - you're going without me - come with us then! This is your choice.

Rainbowshit · 24/02/2022 20:29

Fucking arsehole. No way would I put up with this. LTB

RandomUsernameHere · 24/02/2022 20:31

Curious to know what the hobby is Grin