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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use 70% annual leave to do solo sporting events?

102 replies

Blinkingbatshit · 24/02/2022 15:40

I am fully aware this is a first world problem but….Finally got dh to sit down and discuss annual leave / holiday bookings for this year - it’s no wonder he’s been reticent!! Turns out, other than a week at Easter and a week in the summer (both uk cottage hols) he has used ALL holiday left over (till 2023!) to book to go to do his sport (not cycling…I know that’s the usual so thought I’d clarify early!). He said ‘sorry, you can’t book that week abroad you wanted to in the summer’, I said ‘well, I can still take kids away abroad, I’ll just go less far as I don’t want to drive solo too long’. Before he had a chance to say it’s not ok I left the room. Just because he’s prioritising himself why should I and, actually particularly, the kids miss out?! The four of us are perfectly capable of going without him, however it makes me really sad that he doesn’t see what he’s missing. I just find it amazing that he will inevitably tell me I’m unreasonable for going without him when he’s made his choice. Gah, I’m sure some will say I’m being spoilt - why doesn’t he want to spend time with us🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Sally872 · 24/02/2022 16:23

He is selfish to book so much AL for hobby without discussing it. Expecting you to not go is unbelievable.

If a holiday with just you and the kids appeals absolutely do it. (For me it would depend on age of the kids).

Sally872 · 24/02/2022 16:23

What does he suggest you do on your AL??

Lookingforatimeslip · 24/02/2022 16:24

What a massively selfish arsehole! I’ve just said this to my husband and he looked shocked and said how shitty this is! So without any thought to you or your childcare he’s just doing what he wants. I would be absolutely raging! I’m all for people having time to themselves but family comes first.

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 16:26

I couldn't stay married to someone like this - when do you get to indulge yourself with solo trips?

DinoWino · 24/02/2022 16:30

I started reading convinced there wee no children involved and thinking that whilst I wouldn’t like it I suppose there would be no real harm in say 50% of his leave being dedicated to his hobby. With children? He can fuck right off. He’s just booked 70% of his leave for his own hobby without a though for his children or wife?? No way. Firstly, leave should be discussed together in terms of required childcare in school holidays and wishes of each adult for family breaks or any solo trips etc. When you have family surely the vast majority of annual leave should be used for family breaks together?? Isn’t that the point of family? Yes have some dedicated solo time but ffs not 70%.

The other issue is that’s he’s just assumed you are available for the children for those 70% holiday days. Your the default childcare and he gets to check in and out depending on what he wants to do with his own time. Utter bullshit. He needs to know he’s out of order doing this. Then thinking that means you and the children won’t be holidaying abroad?? Good for you for saying you’ll still be going but it shouldn’t even come to that should it as a family.

KittyKattyFosterMummy · 24/02/2022 16:31

What a disrespectful, selfish man. Does he honestly think it is acceptable to go ahead and use up most of his annual leave without discussing it as a family? How old are the children?

Eightiesfan · 24/02/2022 16:32

What a thoughtless, selfish thing to do. I would be fuming with anger if my DP did this.

I would get his holiday itinerary and book to go away when he is at home and then make sure you post your holiday snaps online so he can see what a great time he is missing with you and his kids.

MaudieandMe · 24/02/2022 16:32

He needs a wake-up call. Ask him how he’s going to find time to look after the kids when you’re divorced and he has to look after them 50/50?

Seriously, he’s being a selfish git and you need to make his future options crystal clear.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 16:33

It sounds as though there was a plan for a week abroad and op has said what date are we booking for and he’s said no can do. Yes op can go alone but it’s hardly a relaxing time with 3 children in tow and meanwhile DH spends even less time with kids, yes he’s at work but evenings eating takeaway doing his hobby. So summer holidays Week away all together in cottage. Then DH goes away 2 weeks not cycling, Op deals with everything at home/children. Then Op goes away with kids and deals with everything. So out of 4 weeks in summer hols Op has zero free time he has 3 child free weeks. How is that fair?

ExcaliburBaby · 24/02/2022 16:34

YANU - he absolutely shouldn’t be using up all his leave for his self-centered hobby and you absolutely should go without him and well done for saying you will! 👏👏😱

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 16:34

Can he buy additional leave? He’s obviously able to take a salary hit if he’s got so much money spare for 3 hobby weeks away.

HotWaterAndLemon · 24/02/2022 16:34

Definitely book the holiday without him.

Re the annual leave. I have a hobby with organised events. I do 3 a year and this year I’ll be using 3 days of AL to attend them.

I’d love to do more of them or do the longer versions or events abroad but with 2 young DC I just can’t justify that time out right now.

How old are the children? I do think it makes a difference if they are young and hard work to manage alone or older and less inclined to want to do family holidays.

Original poster
Blinkingbatshit · 24/02/2022 16:35

Thanks all - it’s nice to get a reality check and know I’m not insane. Kids are actually now easy ages - end of primary to mid secondary, so it’s actually pretty fun going away with them. They’re growing up and the opportunity to spend time with them like this will be gone soon. I’ve always been main carer - until covid he worked away the vast majority of every week….I can only assume he feels now that he mostly wfh then that counts as quality time and he doesn’t need more. Yes, I’ll happily take them away on my own - he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out and I’ll be made to feel guilty but it’s not like he didn’t have the option!! Thanks all.

OP posts:
floatsomeandjetsum · 24/02/2022 16:38

I'd be really sad about this.

I have a kind of similar situation, because of his work commitments, I only get 3 days holiday max per year with my DH, it's been that way for the past 14 years.

I've had to holiday alone with the children since they were born. I'd love to go away properly with him. He's not fussed at all 😞

Iloveacurry · 24/02/2022 16:38

What a knob. Book a holiday for you and the kids. Not really much he can say is there?

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2022 16:42

I had a husband like that.
He didn't like it when I just started getting on with my life (with the kids) as 1) it didn't allow him to point out to me just how important his personal interests were (I didn't care by that point) and 2) it showed him I didn't need him and 3) the facade of our marriage was becoming obvious.

AgeingDoc · 24/02/2022 16:42

Yes - definitely go. He is choosing not to come with you which is his loss.
We all have hobbies in our family, and each of them could easily take up all the available holiday time. But they don't, because we compromise. Everyone gets some time for their individual interests and we try to find a main holiday that has something for everyone.
For one person to put their individual interest above the whole of the rest of the family's wishes and needs is incredibly selfish.

HotWaterAndLemon · 24/02/2022 16:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

And the issue isn't solved by going away with the children. Because the issue is he'd rather spend time with someone other than his wife and children.
I mean, people are allowed to enjoy things outside of their family.

Although I completely agree that using 70% of AL on a hobby with no discussion is out of order.

PatchworkElmer · 24/02/2022 16:48

Go away with the children and don’t give it a second thought. He didn’t.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 24/02/2022 16:50

So is he going to use his remaining annual leave to cover school holidays? Or will that be left for you too?

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 16:52

Jeez what a dick.
Book something that's a break for you OP like Neilson holidays where the DCs will have fun activities and you can chill out. Actually your H will be jealous as he'll want to do the cycling days.

Bunnycat101 · 24/02/2022 16:53

I’d be really cross with that even without children. I’d go and have a bloody fabulous holiday with them and spell out exactly why he is missing out. Many families go the opposite way and take too little time for themselves versus childcare so he really is unusual as well as incredibly selfish to just book out most of his leave with no consultation.

ErrolTheDragon · 24/02/2022 16:54

he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out and I’ll be made to feel guilty but it’s not like he didn’t have the option!! Thanks all.

He excluded himself. I suppose you could let him know your plans before you book and give him the choice of cancelling his sporting thing and holidaying with you and your kids.

Flowerpower23 · 24/02/2022 16:56

Is it skiing? Sounds like my ex 😆

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 16:58

I'd get the holiday brochures out over the weekend and see what the kids fancy doing. Plan a trip between you. Tell them daddy is off 'not-cycling' so can't come before you start.

If he moans he has a choice - cancel what he's planning and join you on your now arranged / decided trip. Or shuts up and accepts he's made his choice!