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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use 70% annual leave to do solo sporting events?

102 replies

Blinkingbatshit · 24/02/2022 15:40

I am fully aware this is a first world problem but….Finally got dh to sit down and discuss annual leave / holiday bookings for this year - it’s no wonder he’s been reticent!! Turns out, other than a week at Easter and a week in the summer (both uk cottage hols) he has used ALL holiday left over (till 2023!) to book to go to do his sport (not cycling…I know that’s the usual so thought I’d clarify early!). He said ‘sorry, you can’t book that week abroad you wanted to in the summer’, I said ‘well, I can still take kids away abroad, I’ll just go less far as I don’t want to drive solo too long’. Before he had a chance to say it’s not ok I left the room. Just because he’s prioritising himself why should I and, actually particularly, the kids miss out?! The four of us are perfectly capable of going without him, however it makes me really sad that he doesn’t see what he’s missing. I just find it amazing that he will inevitably tell me I’m unreasonable for going without him when he’s made his choice. Gah, I’m sure some will say I’m being spoilt - why doesn’t he want to spend time with us🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

minipie · 24/02/2022 16:59

I would be furious if DH made plans for 70% of his AL without discussing with me.

If he then had the nerve to object to me going away on my own with the DC… I think my head would explode.

I can’t believe you’re not more angry OP.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 16:59

Oh and get next year's holidays booked in too - including a solo trip for you if you'd like one!

nagsarse · 24/02/2022 17:00

He's not being 'left out' though is he? He's choosing to prioritise his sport over a holiday with the family.

As a married couple, I would expect that how you use AL would be discussed before it's booked (maybe other than an occasional day). If your 2 x weeks in the UK is 30% of his AL, that means he must be spending 4-5 weeks away doing his sport. So quite apart from the fact that I would expect my DP to want to spend most of his holiday with me, how would it work if you also booked 4 weeks away and left him to do all the child-care solo?

minipie · 24/02/2022 17:01

Tell them daddy is off 'not-cycling' so can't come before you start.

Nope, don’t do this. Get HIM to tell them he is off doing his hobby so can’t come on the family holiday. He can deal with their questions and see their disappointment first hand. Or if they aren’t disappointed, he can draw his own conclusions from that.

Fleur405 · 24/02/2022 17:02

Someone is being extremely unreasonable in this scenario… but it definitely is not you! I’d exactly the same as you OP. The worst part is that he’s made all these plans already without so much as mentioning it to you. That’s not really how a family is supposed to work!

caranations · 24/02/2022 17:10

he'll sulk and say that it's not fair because he's left out and I'll be made to feel guilty Not fair? Not fair??

Ask him then. Exactly what you and the dc are supposed to do for a holiday if he is already booked elsewhere and can't come with you, but he doesn't want you to go without him? Are you just supposed to do without any holiday at all?

What a monumentally selfish git.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 17:10

You need to speak to him. He totally sees you as default parent. Your older primary child must still need holiday care. I would say you are booking & going and you aren’t putting up with any comments in front of kids - no poor dad stuck at home.
Hopefully there’s a place he’s always fancied with availability for August.
Definitely think of spending some leave away as you like too. He needs to be parent too.

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/02/2022 17:12

Yes, I’ll happily take them away on my own - he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out

To which the only response is 'tough'. He's made his choice as to what to do with his AL, you make the choice for you and the DCs. He doesn't get to make a choice for himself and then one for you. Presumably he expects you all to sit at home twiddling your thumbs while he's away so that he isn't 'left out'. I repeat, tough.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 24/02/2022 17:13

What actually is the point of him? Would you be happier divorced?

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 17:18

Your DCs aren't going to want to go away with you forever. He has chosen to prioritise himself, so you prioritise them and yourself. Let him sulk - looks like he isn't around much for you to see it anyway.

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 17:21

he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out and I’ll be made to feel guilty

Totally unacceptable

I would outright ask him " so do you really think it's fair to let the children have no summer holiday because you have taken all your annual leaveto do on your solo hobby leaving me as the de facto parent - q decision you made unilaterally without discussing with me ?"
"How would you feel if I took off for 4 weeks in the next 12 months, left you in charge of the children without discussion and told you that you were not able to go abroad at all because I had already used all my annual leave?"

You are a better more tolerant woman than me. I would be raging...

zoeFromCity · 24/02/2022 17:24

It is strange how he managed to shift the goalposts.
He blocked something like 3 weeks for solo trips, and is arguing whether you will take children somewhere? What the heck? What is up for discussion on that?

The question you should ask him now is, is he ready to support you to have up to 3 weeks of your solo trips, so he will take care of all children's needs during that time? Can you as a family afford to pay for all family trips plus 6 weeks of solo fun for the two adults? I mean on top of decent holidays with your children?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2022 17:44

Book and go with the DC. He gets to prioritize what he wants? Well, so do you.

My DH missed out on a 2 week paid for trip to Hawaii for a family wedding because he wanted to go backpacking with his mates. If he had suggested that DC and I not go because he decided to prioritize backpacking over the wedding I'd STILL be laughing at him, 20 years later.

It didn't bother me that he didn't go, I figured fine, do what you want. But I do still get a secret snigger over the fact that he ended up regretting his decision afterwards.

beachcitygirl · 24/02/2022 17:49

@Dixiechickonhols

What happens if you call his bluff - he says I’ve booked a week in May ‘not cycling’ in alps and you say what a coincidence I’ve booked a week crocheting in Italy exact same week. Goodness do you think we should have spoken to each other first. I know the 10 year old is advanced but a week minding the 8 and 9 year old might be a bit much for him. He’s a prat. Just assuming you’ll pick up slack in his absence. He’s just assuming you’ll be there and be free to mind children.

Yup this👆🏻

Piggy42 · 24/02/2022 17:52

If you can afford to I’d go somewhere really nice - flying so you don’t have to drive. I can’t believe he just expects you to manage the kids on your own.

backinthebox · 24/02/2022 17:54

I’m trying to work out what on Earth this hobby is. I take part in 2 hobbies that take up blocks of days (one is skiing, the other is an endurance sport where the competitions last a whole weekend and are sometimes abroad,) and I bend over backwards to ensure my training and competitions don’t get in the way of family holidays. And yet I still get to do my hobbies. DH and I have regular diary planning meetings - we each put in the diary non-negotiable days we are doing things (which would only be work-related or top-end competition stuff) then agree which weeks are family holiday weeks. After that, it’s a free-for-all with the diary, with the understanding that if a trip takes one of us away they check with the other first (hobby trips away are made more complicated by the fact that both of us work away too, so communication is essential.)

Communication is absolutely necessary if one member of a family is going to absent themselves from family matters. And even if he does go away, that should not stop you doing what you want to do. I’m taking the kids to a camping weekend with another family this year on my own, and DH is playing his sport all weekend. He doesn’t like the event we are camping at, and being able to spend the whole weekend playing sport means he’ll spend more time elsewhere with the family. He is staying with us at the campsite on the Friday night so he will be there on the night the kids like best. Everyone is happy with this situation. I would consider any husband who does not make sure everyone is happy and looks after just his own interests to be a complete knob.

Blossom64265 · 24/02/2022 17:58

Did he make child care arrangements for his solo outings because if he just assumed you would cover him without even checking, I would be doubly furious. It’s not ok to just use all his leave time. It’s even more unacceptable to make you the default parent.

Uafasach · 24/02/2022 18:04

The booking leave without discussion or thought for his family is bad but sulking abo

Uafasach · 24/02/2022 18:06

The booking leave without discussion or thought for his family is bad but sulking about missing out on the family holiday due to his own selfishness is really terrible.

HundredMilesAnHour · 24/02/2022 18:11

@Blossom64265

This! I would be seething.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 18:14

Does his hobby take up weekends too?

Simplelobsterhat · 24/02/2022 18:14

Wow, it's the fact that he booked these things without telling you ie assuming you were around for the kids which is most annoying- we always discuss anything that takes one of us out evenings or weekends. Are you a sahm / teacher? If not how on earth are you covering all the childcare - if his only time with the kids are holidays you are on too?

The only thing I do wonder is if you have ready got 2 full weeks in holiday cottages this year, he may not have realised you also expected to go abroad - a week anywhere in school summer holidays would usually be our main holiday for the year.
Nevertheless, it still doesn't excuse he expected to do no childcare, days out etc all year!

Either way, if family finances allow, of course you should go without him! (And if they don't allow then he shouldn't be paying for overnight stays for his hobby!)

balalake · 24/02/2022 18:18

Two weeks for his family, four weeks or so for a hobby. Wholly unreasonable, even more so for not discussing it first.

Flazeda · 24/02/2022 18:22

I can't believe he has the nerve to dictate and then get moody about your holiday plans when he's unilaterally decided his own.

Ellie56 · 24/02/2022 18:24

he’ll sulk and say that it’s not fair because he’s left out and I’ll be made to feel guilty

Stop feeling guilty. Turn the tables on him and tell him you feel left out when he goes swanning off doing his selfish hobby.

What a knob.

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