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Original poster

Bridesmaid backing out of fittings last minute

97 replies

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:14

Hi, 2nd ever time posting for advice but I need outside perspective.
One of my friends is a Bridesmaid at my wedding and the wedding has been postponed twice from July 20 to 21 to 2022. She was originally measured for her dress back in August 2020 and all was fine.

We had an appointment for bridesmaids on the 13th of Feb and she text me the day before to let me know she had a cold and couldn't make it (she also has a toddler with suspected autism so can only leave him with her mum) - ok, people get sick fair enough.

Went to the appointment and paid for the dresses as the shop said she could come in within the next 2 weeks for her updated measurements before they would put the order in for her dress.
So.. appointment was agreed with her for today and she has now text me to let me know she can't get her son into nursery due to the weather and that her mum would have to walk with her son in the snow to collect her brother from school ar 3 which would take them forever.

The appointment is booked for 12.30 so I asked her if she could go herself some time this week to be measured and she has replied that she can't as she is busy tomorrow and has no one to look after her son this weekend. I offered to stay in the car with her son whilst she gets measured so that she can get the dress and there's no childcare issue, she doesn't have a car seat with her.

As the dress is already paid for and she only has the rest of this week to be measured (according to the shops timescale) I'm not sure what to do. She has said her older measurements will be fine but when we were booking the appointnent 2 weeks ago, she told me she had lost a lot of weight but is now saying the measurements the shop have will fit her. I feel like she's giving me excuse after excuse to not go at all.

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes.. I feel like I'm paying a lot of money out for her to be part of my day and it would be appreciated if she could make the effort to move some things around to be fitted properly for an expensive dress. She hasn't given me any alternative dates she could do so I can try and reschedule with the shop.

She's already backed out of one appointment at the last minute and now this is the second. The appointments are the only things I've asked her to do/attend so far and I'm just wary of spending all this money on a dress for it to potentially not fit and be a further expense with alterations or for her to potentially back out of the wedding at the last minute (this seems extreme but she has form for backing out of things last minute).

Any advice please? I'm calling the shop when they open to see if they can hold off ordering her dress and if I can use the money paid for it towards the flower girls as I have this appointment in March but I'm not sure if I'd need to get a credit and go to the shop anyway today to collect a credit note.

I start a new job on Monday and am due to go abroad for a few days next week so have a lot of my own stuff to do/deal with.

It's just a pain to be messed around so much but I thought she'd make a bit of effort to simply be measured for her dress.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated as I'm quite close to asking her to step down. She also told me that she couldn't do tomorrow as her son had a birthday party but when texting today she can't do tomorrow due to a doctor appointment so I feel like she's making up excuses (I understand she can't control getting a cold or the weather but I knew last week it was to snow today so planned for it and she isn't offering me any solutions, just constant excuses).

Please help as this is stress I don't need 🥺

P.s thank you to those who have stuck this out to the end... think I needed a vent aswell as advice 😂

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/02/2022 09:17

How was it planned she would be available for your entire wedding if she can't manage organising a dress?
Can she be replaced? Sounds like that needs to happen imo. For both your sakes.

ThanksItHasPockets · 24/02/2022 09:17

Many people's measurements have changed one way or another since the summer of 2020.

I think the kindest thing to do would be to give her the opportunity to step down. I suspect she will bite your hand off.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 24/02/2022 09:18

I'm sorry OP but she clearly doesn't want to be your bridesmaid. Just let her withdraw graciously.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/02/2022 09:21

She probably doesn't want to be bridesmaid.
Laughing a bit at the fact you expect her to be grateful for you paying for the dress etc for YOUR wedding!

Rewritethestars1 · 24/02/2022 09:22

Yes if be kindly asking her if she wants to step down. Tell her it won't affect your friendship. She is probably going through something she has not told you about and also feels like she does not want to let you down. See if you can support her if that's what she needs but allow her to have the choice.

Doanythingforlove · 24/02/2022 09:24

Yes give her chance to step down. How was she going to manage around her child anyway given the difficulties?

Doanythingforlove · 24/02/2022 09:25

She could let you down on the day if something crops up with her child/mother.

TarcasticSwat · 24/02/2022 09:25

Can she take her measurements at home and provide them to the shop so they can judge what size dress she'd need?

I'd be upfront with her and ask her if she still wants to participate in your wedding. If she's like this now then it will only be harder nearer the wedding for her to be reliable.

ThePlantsitter · 24/02/2022 09:25

Oh this is frustrating. Time for a phone call and a frank talk if you have time. You can tell her that now is the deadline to order the dress or not before you start losing money (though I'm guessing that ship has actually sailed) and you love her and want her to be comfortable so if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid she has to say no now and no hard feelings. But if she says yes you really need her to do the fitting in the next week!

And then try to have no hard feelings either way Wink. You do sound lovely and non bridezilla by the way, she's being annoying whatever the reason.

3luckystars · 24/02/2022 09:27

I would just ask her, in a nice way if it is too much for her and if she wants to step down or wear her own dress to the wedding. Be nice about it and ask her to let you know by tomorrow as the dress needs to ordered and you can’t order without the measurements. I know that sounds mad to wear her on dress but just let her, if she is a good friend and you trust her and think she is just struggling, then take the heat out of it.

RandomDent · 24/02/2022 09:28

Going through the autism process with a toddler will be taking every ounce of her mental load. Will being a bridesmaid be a lovely way of reminding her she is important to you, or will it break her? Ask her what she wants to do. I know it’s frustrating but she will be struggling.

MrsTrumpton · 24/02/2022 09:28

I would gently ask her if everything is okay and that if she's finding the idea of being bridesmaid too stressful, it's fine for her to back out now, you don't want her to be unhappy or have it affect your friendship. If she struggles to leave her son now, she's probably worrying about how she can manage leaving him to attend on the hen night and the wedding itself, but may be too scared to say.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 24/02/2022 09:28

Can she call and give her measurements over the phone? If she turns that down too I would have to agree with the above posters and she doesn’t really want to be bridesmaid anymore

Valeriekat · 24/02/2022 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Redburnett · 24/02/2022 09:29

Two years ago she wanted to be your bridesmaid. Now she doesn't because she has her own family priorities. Cancel her dress, hair and make up appointments etc and sell the shoes.

MrsTrumpton · 24/02/2022 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

EenieWeenie · 24/02/2022 09:33

It sounds like she has taken too much on.id give her a get out clause too. Save the friendship rather than have the stress
Good luck on your big day @Louise2092

Rewritethestars1 · 24/02/2022 09:33

Also asc is hereditary. Not giving an arm chair diagnosis here but someone who has form for cancellation and makes different excuses, it wouldn't be out of this world to be possible, even if she doesn't know it herself. Appointments etc might be extremely difficult for her.

moose62 · 24/02/2022 09:34

i would be worried that she isn't going to make an effort for anything else if she can't do this! I would just say that you are sorry but the shop won't move their deadline and that you cant risk the money so whilst you would love her to come as a guest to your wedding, she is no longer a bridesmaid. One less thing to worry about!

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/02/2022 09:34

I’m guessing if her child is a toddler now, they would have at best been a newborn in 2020 when she would have originally agreed to be your bridesmaid. A lot has changed for her in that time and it may be now it’s too tricky, especially if her toddler may have additional needs. I’d give her the opportunity to step down, explaining that you know life is more complicated for her now and it may be too much of a committed (even though you’re not asking much of her).

It’s a shame but she may be worried about letting you down if she does withdraw, so offering the chance would be a kind thing to do. If she insists she does want to be bridesmaid she needs to arrange the dress fitting as part of that.

DingDongDenny · 24/02/2022 09:34

She has a child with autism, I think you need to cut her some slack since she doesn't seem to have a lot of support

I would just ask her to phone in her measurements

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2022 09:37

I agree with see if they’ll take her measurements over the phone, if she won’t even do that then its clear she’s not up to it so suggest she steps down and comes as a guest.

Gizlotsmum · 24/02/2022 09:38

Has she had the baby since the first wedding date? I would ask her if she still wanted to be bridesmaid, no pressure either way but you need a decision and if she would rather just be a guest that is fine, if she still wants to be a bridesmaid she will need to make certain appointments.

JustMeAndThee · 24/02/2022 09:39

@Thatsplentyjack

She probably doesn't want to be bridesmaid. Laughing a bit at the fact you expect her to be grateful for you paying for the dress etc for YOUR wedding!
I also laughed at this Grin

She clearly has a lot on her plate. In your position I'd put my own feelings to one side (because honestly the only people who really care about your wedding are you and your future DH) and gently as if she would like to step down as bridesmaid because she clearly has a lot on her plate. Explain that there'd be no hard feelings and you'd love for her to still attend the wedding as a guest if she's able to.

Then just draw a line under it and move on.

Original poster
Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:39

It's not that I expect her to be grateful that I'm paying for the things needed for my wedding.... that's exactly why I'm paying and haven't asked her to spend a penny.

All I'm asking is that she makes the effort to attend a fitting. I'm also not expecting to keep any of the items so she'll have the dress, shoes, jewellery etc to keep and do whatever she wants with.

I think other posters are right though that it sounds like she doesn't want to be involved but hasn't just come out and said it. I think I'm going to message her and check before I spend anything else or phone the shop. I'd rather she just told me. For those asking, her son was invited as was her mum but she said her son won't settle so her mum will take him on the day and won't attend.

OP posts: