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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid backing out of fittings last minute

97 replies

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:14

Hi, 2nd ever time posting for advice but I need outside perspective.
One of my friends is a Bridesmaid at my wedding and the wedding has been postponed twice from July 20 to 21 to 2022. She was originally measured for her dress back in August 2020 and all was fine.

We had an appointment for bridesmaids on the 13th of Feb and she text me the day before to let me know she had a cold and couldn't make it (she also has a toddler with suspected autism so can only leave him with her mum) - ok, people get sick fair enough.

Went to the appointment and paid for the dresses as the shop said she could come in within the next 2 weeks for her updated measurements before they would put the order in for her dress.
So.. appointment was agreed with her for today and she has now text me to let me know she can't get her son into nursery due to the weather and that her mum would have to walk with her son in the snow to collect her brother from school ar 3 which would take them forever.

The appointment is booked for 12.30 so I asked her if she could go herself some time this week to be measured and she has replied that she can't as she is busy tomorrow and has no one to look after her son this weekend. I offered to stay in the car with her son whilst she gets measured so that she can get the dress and there's no childcare issue, she doesn't have a car seat with her.

As the dress is already paid for and she only has the rest of this week to be measured (according to the shops timescale) I'm not sure what to do. She has said her older measurements will be fine but when we were booking the appointnent 2 weeks ago, she told me she had lost a lot of weight but is now saying the measurements the shop have will fit her. I feel like she's giving me excuse after excuse to not go at all.

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes.. I feel like I'm paying a lot of money out for her to be part of my day and it would be appreciated if she could make the effort to move some things around to be fitted properly for an expensive dress. She hasn't given me any alternative dates she could do so I can try and reschedule with the shop.

She's already backed out of one appointment at the last minute and now this is the second. The appointments are the only things I've asked her to do/attend so far and I'm just wary of spending all this money on a dress for it to potentially not fit and be a further expense with alterations or for her to potentially back out of the wedding at the last minute (this seems extreme but she has form for backing out of things last minute).

Any advice please? I'm calling the shop when they open to see if they can hold off ordering her dress and if I can use the money paid for it towards the flower girls as I have this appointment in March but I'm not sure if I'd need to get a credit and go to the shop anyway today to collect a credit note.

I start a new job on Monday and am due to go abroad for a few days next week so have a lot of my own stuff to do/deal with.

It's just a pain to be messed around so much but I thought she'd make a bit of effort to simply be measured for her dress.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated as I'm quite close to asking her to step down. She also told me that she couldn't do tomorrow as her son had a birthday party but when texting today she can't do tomorrow due to a doctor appointment so I feel like she's making up excuses (I understand she can't control getting a cold or the weather but I knew last week it was to snow today so planned for it and she isn't offering me any solutions, just constant excuses).

Please help as this is stress I don't need 🥺

P.s thank you to those who have stuck this out to the end... think I needed a vent aswell as advice 😂

OP posts:

Jvg33 · 24/02/2022 10:49

You have literally given her every opportunity to get these measurements done. Could she do them at home and text you them? If not I would tell her to just come as a guest as you need supportive people around you for all this planning and organising. You are clearly not a priority.

Jvg33 · 24/02/2022 10:52

@Gizacluethen

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes

As you should.

It sounds like she has a lot in her plate and doesn't have the time for a dress to perfectly fit her. It'll be a bit baggy, she's fine with that.

I think op is more worried about the money wasted if she ends up not coming to the wedding or the measurements are completely out because she refuses to attend the shop to check.

SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 10:55

Maybe just explain that any alterations that are required need to be done within the timescale to be included in the price and that if she does require alterations after that time she would need to pay for them because that is what really seems to be the issue.

SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 10:56

@Jvg33

She literally has not! She has suggested a small time period for which the friend is not available.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 10:57

Some posters need to read all the OP’s posts. It is all sorted in a good supportive way

BoredZelda · 24/02/2022 10:58

All I'm asking is that she makes the effort to attend a fitting. I'm also not expecting to keep any of the items so she'll have the dress, shoes, jewellery etc to keep and do whatever she wants with.

She is a mum with a child with SEN. All I'm asking is that you consider how hard her life is and that your little wedding isn't the top of her priority right now. There doesn't need to be a fitting. She can send her measurements to the shop. My mum lives 200 miles away, isn't a professional dressmaker, but has made dozens of outfits for my daughter just with me sending the right measurements. If your dressmaker can't deal with that, you've picked the wrong one.

Give her a break. The fact she keeps cancelling on you when you are talking about meeting her just shows how hard things are for her at the moment. Or, actually, yes, cut her loose. Better for everyone all round.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 11:00

@BoredZelda it’s sorted

oishutup · 24/02/2022 11:05

Well done OP. Glad it is all sorted. Hope you have a lovely wedding.

hellithurt · 24/02/2022 11:09

Two years ago it seemed good, now it doesn't.

Let her opt out.

hellithurt · 24/02/2022 11:10

Ah see its resolved! All
Good!

Cognoscenti · 24/02/2022 11:15

OP has sorted it now

That's a really good outcome, sounds like everyone will manage a lot easier now. 🙂

MischievousBiscuits · 24/02/2022 11:19

Great outcome OP! Glad it went well

Rosehugger · 24/02/2022 11:20

Nice one, OP.

billy1966 · 24/02/2022 11:45

I would tell her you understand that she has lots of demands on her time with her son and the least stressful thing all round is if she comes as a guest.

I think a lot of people would rather not be a bridesmaid at weddings.

billy1966 · 24/02/2022 11:47

Apologies, for some reason your udate didn't load.

That seems a good solution.

Enjoy your day.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 24/02/2022 11:51

OP, you sound like a lovely friend and have handled this well. This way, she doesn't need to stress, nor do you and you maintain your friendship. She obviously means a lot to you or you wouldn't have asked her to be your bridesmaid in the first place.

RandomDent · 24/02/2022 12:18

You sound like a lovely friend. I hope she will be ok with her health, and all the best for your wedding.

Daisy38 · 24/02/2022 15:14

You sound like a lovely friend to her. I hope your wedding goes well and that your friend’s health improves too.

Lochroy · 24/02/2022 21:56

Good outcome!

LovedayCL · 24/02/2022 22:01

@Thatsplentyjack

She probably doesn't want to be bridesmaid. Laughing a bit at the fact you expect her to be grateful for you paying for the dress etc for YOUR wedding!

Is that really what you got from this? I think she’s just providing information that it’s paid for, as that’s a common complaint on these boards.

I was wondering if this was going to be a bridezilla situation OP, but think you’re being reasonable. Maybe give her a gentle chance to bow out incase it’s too much for her. If not, she’s going to need to give you a possible date for the fitting.

LovedayCL · 24/02/2022 22:02

Whoops, see it’s sorted!

Whaddayuthnk · 24/02/2022 23:32

I don't know... it sounds like she might be under a lot of pressure at home with toddler etc. It's probably quite hard for her to organise things with limited childcare, and she may need to save favours for the most important dates e.g. the wedding day etc. And although you're paying a lot for dresses and hair etc, that is your choice as the bride and not a favour you are doing for her benefit... I wouldn't drop her as a bridesmaid for this as I wouldn't assume she didn't care, just that life is a bit complicated sometimes!

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