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Original poster

Bridesmaid backing out of fittings last minute

97 replies

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:14

Hi, 2nd ever time posting for advice but I need outside perspective.
One of my friends is a Bridesmaid at my wedding and the wedding has been postponed twice from July 20 to 21 to 2022. She was originally measured for her dress back in August 2020 and all was fine.

We had an appointment for bridesmaids on the 13th of Feb and she text me the day before to let me know she had a cold and couldn't make it (she also has a toddler with suspected autism so can only leave him with her mum) - ok, people get sick fair enough.

Went to the appointment and paid for the dresses as the shop said she could come in within the next 2 weeks for her updated measurements before they would put the order in for her dress.
So.. appointment was agreed with her for today and she has now text me to let me know she can't get her son into nursery due to the weather and that her mum would have to walk with her son in the snow to collect her brother from school ar 3 which would take them forever.

The appointment is booked for 12.30 so I asked her if she could go herself some time this week to be measured and she has replied that she can't as she is busy tomorrow and has no one to look after her son this weekend. I offered to stay in the car with her son whilst she gets measured so that she can get the dress and there's no childcare issue, she doesn't have a car seat with her.

As the dress is already paid for and she only has the rest of this week to be measured (according to the shops timescale) I'm not sure what to do. She has said her older measurements will be fine but when we were booking the appointnent 2 weeks ago, she told me she had lost a lot of weight but is now saying the measurements the shop have will fit her. I feel like she's giving me excuse after excuse to not go at all.

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes.. I feel like I'm paying a lot of money out for her to be part of my day and it would be appreciated if she could make the effort to move some things around to be fitted properly for an expensive dress. She hasn't given me any alternative dates she could do so I can try and reschedule with the shop.

She's already backed out of one appointment at the last minute and now this is the second. The appointments are the only things I've asked her to do/attend so far and I'm just wary of spending all this money on a dress for it to potentially not fit and be a further expense with alterations or for her to potentially back out of the wedding at the last minute (this seems extreme but she has form for backing out of things last minute).

Any advice please? I'm calling the shop when they open to see if they can hold off ordering her dress and if I can use the money paid for it towards the flower girls as I have this appointment in March but I'm not sure if I'd need to get a credit and go to the shop anyway today to collect a credit note.

I start a new job on Monday and am due to go abroad for a few days next week so have a lot of my own stuff to do/deal with.

It's just a pain to be messed around so much but I thought she'd make a bit of effort to simply be measured for her dress.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated as I'm quite close to asking her to step down. She also told me that she couldn't do tomorrow as her son had a birthday party but when texting today she can't do tomorrow due to a doctor appointment so I feel like she's making up excuses (I understand she can't control getting a cold or the weather but I knew last week it was to snow today so planned for it and she isn't offering me any solutions, just constant excuses).

Please help as this is stress I don't need 🥺

P.s thank you to those who have stuck this out to the end... think I needed a vent aswell as advice 😂

OP posts:
JustMeAndThee · 24/02/2022 09:40

*ask

Crimesean · 24/02/2022 09:40

She probably doesn't want to be a bridesmaid any more but can't think of a way to back out gracefully. Ask her if she'd prefer to just attend the wedding as a guest, she'll probably be relieved.

Caspianberg · 24/02/2022 09:41

It’s awkward for her surely. If she has a toddler now, the original wedding date they would have only been a baby so presumably she agreed at the time as was ok.
Now 2 years on, life is different.

I personally think bridesmaids shouldn’t exist over 10 years unless able to wear own clothing they choose at leisure you pay for.

I have almost 2 year old. He’s been left 3 hrs total in whole life with two neighbours ( 1hr once, 2hrs with other). I have no other childcare options. If I had a few hours suddenly free, I wouldn’t waste getting fitted for a dress that isn’t even my wedding. In fact, I’m getting married this year, I actually haven’t even started on dress as haven’t the time.

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 09:41

@Rewritethestars1

Yes if be kindly asking her if she wants to step down. Tell her it won't affect your friendship. She is probably going through something she has not told you about and also feels like she does not want to let you down. See if you can support her if that's what she needs but allow her to have the choice.
This
NewcastleOrBust · 24/02/2022 09:42

@MrsTrumpton

I would gently ask her if everything is okay and that if she's finding the idea of being bridesmaid too stressful, it's fine for her to back out now, you don't want her to be unhappy or have it affect your friendship. If she struggles to leave her son now, she's probably worrying about how she can manage leaving him to attend on the hen night and the wedding itself, but may be too scared to say.

I agree. Don't focus on you paying for things. Especially things for your own wedding.

Her life is completely different from what is was when she said she would be your bridesmaid.

goldensilver · 24/02/2022 09:42

I've been in the position where I was asked to be bridesmaid and excitedly said yes but then the pressure of what was expected of me became too much. I acted similarly to your friend - something I'm not proud of. I finally plucked up the courage to say that I couldn't do it anymore and just attended as a guest.
Perhaps ask her if she thinks she can still commit to being your bridesmaid - it sounds like she is really struggling.
I can see it from your point of view as well but I know what it's like to deal with a SEN toddler and it's a 24/7 job. Hope you can get something sorted.

RandomDent · 24/02/2022 09:43

Please check she’s ok when you call. This is an incredibly stressful time for her and she’ll be feeling lonely.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 24/02/2022 09:46

I’m guessing that her son was either a newborn or not yet born when she initially agreed to be a bridesmaid.

Speaking from personal experience if autism is already suspected then the chances are that her son’s presentation is quite severe, which is likely to include poor sleep and possibly challenging behaviour. I am sure that you are being a good friend and supporting her through the process of diagnosis but one thing you can do for her right now is to take the whole bridesmaid thing off her plate, making it clear that there are no hard feelings and that it won’t affect your friendship. She is likely desperate not to let you down and will be very relieved.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 09:46

At the time you first asked her to be a bridesmaid she didn’t have a toddler with potential SEN. Her world has completely changed. Her mum may be struggling looking after the toddler for long periods of time

Have you seen her, chatted with her over this period of time on life in general and not wedding related?

goldensilver · 24/02/2022 09:47

@RandomDent

Please check she’s ok when you call. This is an incredibly stressful time for her and she’ll be feeling lonely.
Yes absolutely this. Nothing worse than when you are struggling to cope with things and someone starts being shitty to you. I've lost touch with friends in the past because they've been pissed that I wouldn't leave my baby and travel by train to meet them in heavy snow 🙄
Cognoscenti · 24/02/2022 09:48

Asking her if she would like to step down is a good idea, it sounds like she very much wants to, but doesn't want to say so.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 09:50

Life has moved on for her. I’d speak to her and see if she’d prefer not to be a bridesmaid. She sounds like she’s got an awful lot on her plate. I know it’s a nice thing but you messaging about a dress is probably number 192 on her to do list. Sounds best all round if she drops out.

Luckyelephant1 · 24/02/2022 09:53

Agree about kindly asking her if she'd like to step down.

Other option is that if she's said she's happy with the old measurements, let her know you'll order the dress but if it does need any alterations then she'll have to be responsible for arranging and paying for that herself. That's completely fair IMO.

brainhurts · 24/02/2022 09:54

I would message her , politely ask her if she still thinks it's practical for her to be bridesmaid. Tell her you realise her priorities have changed due to her son , you would love her to be part of your big day but don't want to stress her out over having to attend fittings . If she feels she would be happier attending as a guest her friendship and wellbeing is more important to you than what dress she has on.

Elsiebear90 · 24/02/2022 09:57

I think if she’s a good friend she should be able to tell you that she feels she can’t be your bridesmaid anymore because of whatever reason rather than messing you around and wasting your money. I would be more disappointed by that than someone saying they have too much on to be my bm anymore (which is understandable given her circumstances). I would just ask her outright, I can’t stand people lying and messing people around because they’re too scared to be honest.

Original poster
Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:57

To answer some questions:

-She already had her son at the first dress fitting, he was just over a year old.
-I know things have changed a lot over the last 2 years and her life is completely different with a sen toddler who can only settle with her or her mum.
-The last thing I want to do is be a bridezilla or make her life more difficult. I've let the bridesmaids choose everything and taken into account what colours suit them and what type of clothes/shoes/jewellery etc they're comfortable in.
-I may have worded my op incorrectly, it's not that I'm thinking of asking her to step down, it's asking her if she needs/wants to but I wasn't sure how to word it without coming across as though I'm telling her to.
-Everytime I/we try to arrange a catch up (especially since covid), something has come up or she has cancelled on me. I drive and she doesn't so I've offered to drive us to things we can do with her son such as soft play or parks etc but she always wants to meet without him (which I understand as she needs a break) but she then cancels.
-I haven't brought up the wedding much since the first appointment in 2020 other than to check what shoe size, arrange the dress appointments as my wedding isn't the most important thing in everyone else's lives (it's actually not in mine either).

I was literally about to message her to ask if she wants/needs to step down and be a guest only but no pressure, it's completely her choice but she has just messaged to ask if the shop could take her measurements by phone!

I think I'll still ask if she wants to be a Bridesmaid just incase

OP posts:
Geranium1984 · 24/02/2022 09:57

I've got a toddler and would seriously struggle to be a reliable bridesmaid and be any help to anyone. If your friend has an autistic child, plus sounds like a second child? Then she will be snowed under trying to manage, it must be a huge mental load for her.

I'd have the conversation nicely to see how she will manage in the lead up and on the day and if it'll be too much for her. No hard feelings if she pulls as she sounds like she has a really tough time of it with her family. Perhaps she could do a reading at the service instead?
Xx

ThanksItHasPockets · 24/02/2022 10:02

How many other adult bridesmaids are you having and what is the relationship (friend, sister, sister in law etc)?

littleHen84 · 24/02/2022 10:04

As someone with a young child with Autism every day can be a struggle whilst this is your special day maybe call her or text and have a gentle kind conversation, she will probably feel stressed and upset that she has let you down. I always understand that people have a life and exciting/upsetting things going on but due too the nature of family life and autism you sometimes inevitably can't be there physically or emotionally.

Crimeismymiddlename · 24/02/2022 10:05

She may not want to be bridesmaid any more. Though, have you seen her in the last few months, she said she has lost weight, maybe she has lost too much, or put on a lot and is embarrassed-is the dress unforgiving on a larger figure.

otherlineeyes · 24/02/2022 10:06

Probably best to call her, don't mess her to ask if she still wants to do it. It is so easy for messages to be misinterpreted, much less chance of accidental hurt if you call her and have a conversation.

As you said yourself:

" , it's not that I'm thinking of asking her to step down, it's asking her if she needs/wants to but I wasn't sure how to word it without coming across as though I'm telling her to."

PiesNotGuys · 24/02/2022 10:09

I’ve never been or had a bridesmaid so I don’t know if this is standard to need measuring and multiple fittings? It wouldn’t occur to me that it was necessary, I’d assume a dress would be bought in my size (eg 10,12,14) and provided for me to put on on the day. If it wasn’t I’d assume I could wear something wedding ish out of my own wardrobe to the event. Is it not that kind of event? Is it a big fancy wedding?

Maybe your friend doesn’t really know the process, like me, especially if she isn’t experienced in big fancy weddings.

Is there a reason the dress can’t just be bought in her size or that she can’t just tell you her measurements- as she seems to be trying to do.

Arranging childcare and getting a bus to a shop/bridesmaid place so they can wrap a tape measure around me does seem like an unnecessary process, I’d feel very poked and prodded and on display if that was required of me, and it would put me off a lot to be honest.

Crepusculum · 24/02/2022 10:10

@MrsTrumpton

I would gently ask her if everything is okay and that if she's finding the idea of being bridesmaid too stressful, it's fine for her to back out now, you don't want her to be unhappy or have it affect your friendship. If she struggles to leave her son now, she's probably worrying about how she can manage leaving him to attend on the hen night and the wedding itself, but may be too scared to say.
I would go with this too.
Somethingsnappy · 24/02/2022 10:10

@YippieKayakOtherBuckets

I’m guessing that her son was either a newborn or not yet born when she initially agreed to be a bridesmaid.

Speaking from personal experience if autism is already suspected then the chances are that her son’s presentation is quite severe, which is likely to include poor sleep and possibly challenging behaviour. I am sure that you are being a good friend and supporting her through the process of diagnosis but one thing you can do for her right now is to take the whole bridesmaid thing off her plate, making it clear that there are no hard feelings and that it won’t affect your friendship. She is likely desperate not to let you down and will be very relieved.

This.
icelollycraving · 24/02/2022 10:11

I think you should call her, not message. Who is having her child on the wedding day?
I think tell her that you’d love her to be your bridesmaid but don’t want to stress her with fittings etc and of course childcare on the day (if he’s not coming). Give her the option to think about it before paying anymore.
It did make me smile too when you said about paying for a dress etc for her. Your choice for your day.