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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid backing out of fittings last minute

97 replies

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 09:14

Hi, 2nd ever time posting for advice but I need outside perspective.
One of my friends is a Bridesmaid at my wedding and the wedding has been postponed twice from July 20 to 21 to 2022. She was originally measured for her dress back in August 2020 and all was fine.

We had an appointment for bridesmaids on the 13th of Feb and she text me the day before to let me know she had a cold and couldn't make it (she also has a toddler with suspected autism so can only leave him with her mum) - ok, people get sick fair enough.

Went to the appointment and paid for the dresses as the shop said she could come in within the next 2 weeks for her updated measurements before they would put the order in for her dress.
So.. appointment was agreed with her for today and she has now text me to let me know she can't get her son into nursery due to the weather and that her mum would have to walk with her son in the snow to collect her brother from school ar 3 which would take them forever.

The appointment is booked for 12.30 so I asked her if she could go herself some time this week to be measured and she has replied that she can't as she is busy tomorrow and has no one to look after her son this weekend. I offered to stay in the car with her son whilst she gets measured so that she can get the dress and there's no childcare issue, she doesn't have a car seat with her.

As the dress is already paid for and she only has the rest of this week to be measured (according to the shops timescale) I'm not sure what to do. She has said her older measurements will be fine but when we were booking the appointnent 2 weeks ago, she told me she had lost a lot of weight but is now saying the measurements the shop have will fit her. I feel like she's giving me excuse after excuse to not go at all.

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes.. I feel like I'm paying a lot of money out for her to be part of my day and it would be appreciated if she could make the effort to move some things around to be fitted properly for an expensive dress. She hasn't given me any alternative dates she could do so I can try and reschedule with the shop.

She's already backed out of one appointment at the last minute and now this is the second. The appointments are the only things I've asked her to do/attend so far and I'm just wary of spending all this money on a dress for it to potentially not fit and be a further expense with alterations or for her to potentially back out of the wedding at the last minute (this seems extreme but she has form for backing out of things last minute).

Any advice please? I'm calling the shop when they open to see if they can hold off ordering her dress and if I can use the money paid for it towards the flower girls as I have this appointment in March but I'm not sure if I'd need to get a credit and go to the shop anyway today to collect a credit note.

I start a new job on Monday and am due to go abroad for a few days next week so have a lot of my own stuff to do/deal with.

It's just a pain to be messed around so much but I thought she'd make a bit of effort to simply be measured for her dress.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated as I'm quite close to asking her to step down. She also told me that she couldn't do tomorrow as her son had a birthday party but when texting today she can't do tomorrow due to a doctor appointment so I feel like she's making up excuses (I understand she can't control getting a cold or the weather but I knew last week it was to snow today so planned for it and she isn't offering me any solutions, just constant excuses).

Please help as this is stress I don't need 🥺

P.s thank you to those who have stuck this out to the end... think I needed a vent aswell as advice 😂

OP posts:

Eddielizzard · 24/02/2022 10:12

Sounds to me like she's got a lot on her plate and isn't really coping. I'd call her up, ask her how she's doing, and if it sounds like she's overwhelmed, ask her if she'd like to attend as a guest instead. She might be very relieved, and you'll have your answer.

Gizacluethen · 24/02/2022 10:14

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes

As you should.

It sounds like she has a lot in her plate and doesn't have the time for a dress to perfectly fit her. It'll be a bit baggy, she's fine with that.

PollenIsland · 24/02/2022 10:15

Phone her, OP, don't just message.

HeyEwe · 24/02/2022 10:17

Just sack her, she's so flakey, you know dam well come your wedding there'll be some reason she can't attend. You don't need the added aggro and to waste more money when she just doesn't want to be a part of your wedding.

My husband asked his brother to be best man, he wouldn't even return texts or calls for months, failed to plan a stag etc etc in the end my husband replaced him, he didn't bother to tell his brother as he'd ignored him up to then. 2 weeks before the wedding his brother contacted my husband asking about his suit 🤣 and where was he getting it from? My husband just laughed and said sorry this was sorted months ago you know when I kept messaging and you ignored me, we thought you didn't want to do it anymore.

Sack her now.

Aprilx · 24/02/2022 10:18

I think she is trying to tell you that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid but isn’t quite brave enough to do so. Sounds like you are going to have to do it and give her the opportunity to step down.

Lochroy · 24/02/2022 10:18

Phone her. Have a good old fashioned chat with a friend close enough that you're asking her to be your bridesmaid. Something is amiss, and you need to get to the bottom of it.

In the end though, if she does still want to be a bridesmaid she needs to be willing to put in a little effort. It's not unreasonable for her to go to be measured. You'd be daft to use such old measurements.

Loopytiles · 24/02/2022 10:18

YABU: she has a tiny DC with autism! If she can’t commit any time before the actual wedding for wedding business she’s not U IMO, although it would’ve been better for her to say that earlier.

You chose the high end wedding trappings with bridesmaids dresses fitted, accessories : your financial risk.

Spanglemum · 24/02/2022 10:18

As PP have said, having a toddler with autism is hugely hard. She may not be getting much sleep, she may be extremely limited by what she can do during the day. My child didn't also cope with soft play or parks, they wouldn't have sat in a car while I went in a shop. I think you need to ask her gently if she's got too much on her plate and let her step down from being a bridesmaid. She may not realise this is an option.

Rosehugger · 24/02/2022 10:19

I agree with phoning her and have a good chat about whether she actually still wants to do this. Having an autistic toddler will be a bigger challenge for the actual wedding, never mind a dress fitting. I think she probably has enough on her plate just now.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/02/2022 10:19

@TarcasticSwat

Can she take her measurements at home and provide them to the shop so they can judge what size dress she'd need?

I'd be upfront with her and ask her if she still wants to participate in your wedding. If she's like this now then it will only be harder nearer the wedding for her to be reliable.

Yes, this - give her a chance to work around this.

Bridesmaids dresses and fittings can be a pain to do on top of everyday life so at least give her a work around.

Also, ask her as @TarcasticSwat says if she still would like to participate in the wedding (when is it?) so she has a get out clause and does she need childcare arrangements etc? Give her a chance to be a guest if the bridesmaid part will be too much for her.

Mariposista · 24/02/2022 10:20

So sick of these young girls and their me me me attitudes. Does anyone think about anybody else anymore? Sorry OP, you deserve better.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 24/02/2022 10:22

OP, several PPs suggested talking to her but you ‘agreed’ and said you would message her.

Honestly I would phone her up and have a conversation. Say it is obviously hard for her and the main reason you wanted her as bridesmaid is because she is your friend … but as he friend the last thing you want to do is put an added burden on her now that her life is more complicated than it was when the wedding was first arranged. Just chat it through with her. Find out how she is. Discuss. She may well say it’s too much atm. She might be having an absolute hellish week and feeling she can barely put her own vest on, never mind have a dressmaker look at her, measure her, in front of a mirror.

Original poster

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 10:24

UPDATE

So I messaged her and explained the shop would probably take a measurement over the phone as she had to measure herself in the shop last time due to covid.

I also said that I didn't want her to take it the wrong way but I realise a lot has changed since 2020 and if its too much for her to be a Bridesmaid then she doesn't have to be one. She can come as a guest if that's easier but I'm fine either way. If she wants to be a Bridesmaid Bridesmaid perfect but I don't want her to feel like she has to. I said I'm not trying to push her out but I'm giving her an out IF she needs one.

She replied that she's glad I said it as she didn't want to leave me in the lurch so close to the day. She's struggling with mental health and struggles to leave the house on her own now. I said she can come to the full day but she'd prefer the evening only so I've given her a plus one to make her feel more comfortable on the bus there and back and during. We're also arranging for me to go to her for a proper catch up once I'm settled in my new job so all sorted.

Thank you everyone for your advice, all sorted 🙂 I think we're probably both relieved as neither of us need to stress about it now

OP posts:

Georgyporky · 24/02/2022 10:24

How can she be a bridesmaid with the childcare problems ?

LuckyAmy1986 · 24/02/2022 10:25

Great result OP, sounds like you have been kind and its probably a massive weight off her shoulders now

tcjotm · 24/02/2022 10:25

That’s a great result OP, she probably is feeling so relieved now.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/02/2022 10:25

@Gizacluethen

I'm paying a lot of money for the dress plus hair, make up, jewellery and I've bought the shoes

As you should.

It sounds like she has a lot in her plate and doesn't have the time for a dress to perfectly fit her. It'll be a bit baggy, she's fine with that.

@Gizacluethen - agreed - when I was bridesmaid for SIL (DB's wife) she paid for the dress but the only thing I did was makeup and shoes - everything else paid for but she did have 4 or 5 of us! When BM for When I was BM years ago in USA you have to buy your own dress etc so I paid for that all as it's expected luckily she'd chosen the then popular Laura Ashley dresses so I could buy one in UK.

HoppingPavlova · 24/02/2022 10:25

It's just a pain to be messed around so much but I thought she'd make a bit of effort to simply be measured for her dress.

Maybe she feels the same way with postponing from 20 to 21 to 22? I know ‘Covid’ but most people just modified dramatically accordingly and got on with it once it became apparent it was here for the long haul. Maybe her situation when she said yes in 20 is very different to her situation now and she doesn’t want to let you down but she’s just genuinely not placed for a lot of things like she was like initially?

Gonnagetgoing · 24/02/2022 10:28

@Louise2092

UPDATE

So I messaged her and explained the shop would probably take a measurement over the phone as she had to measure herself in the shop last time due to covid.

Thank you everyone for your advice, all sorted 🙂 I think we're probably both relieved as neither of us need to stress about it now

@Louise2092 - ahhh bless her and you!

I bet you're glad you messaged her and I bet she's glad you reached out and you were both able to be honest with each other.

Hope you have a lovely wedding and catch up once you're settled in your new job. You sound like a lovely friend.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/02/2022 10:29

@Mariposista

So sick of these young girls and their me me me attitudes. Does anyone think about anybody else anymore? Sorry OP, you deserve better.

@Mariposista huh??!!

AntiHop · 24/02/2022 10:29

You sound like a really understanding friend op. All the best for your wedding.

Original poster

Louise2092 · 24/02/2022 10:31

I messaged her as its easier for her to talk and be honest over text than by phone. This has always been the case for us. It's all sorted now and there are no hard feelings either side.

I've tried my best to do the right thing and aside from calling her Instead of messaging I've taken your advice.

Going to turn off comments now. Thank you x

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 24/02/2022 10:37

Great update!

Ellmau · 24/02/2022 10:42

Glad you sorted it out. You sound like a lovely friend.

Nicolastar78 · 24/02/2022 10:45

I would just ask her.there will be something else going on..........I had a bridesmaid pull out on me 4 weeks before the wedding , said it was due to her having a new baby, we knew baby would be here, was expecting when asked... Offered to put her, her hubbie, and their 3 kids in a suit at the hotel we were to marry for 2 nights , nothing I said or suggested worked for them...she was my oldest friend ( friendship was 20+years )..she called and had a huge argument down the phone...we stopped speaking ( still don't) ....wedding went ahead minus a bridesmaid, she was missed but only briefly..... Found out about a year later what the real reason was ....I wish she had trusted me with the truth but with the nature of the reason I understand why she didn't , had she and her family turned up a lot of my guests would have walked out....... My point is I was wrapped up in my wedding and she had bigger things going on, things she didn't want to impact my day xxx

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