To think many people are too full of themselves?

[again2020]

It's occurred to me tonight that most of my friends and acquaintances, are, for want of a better word, conceited.
Several friends I know can just go on a monologue talking about themselves and their achievements, barely pausing for breath. That's not a conversation to me.

I've recently met a mum through DDs hobby,and warmed to her as she was a very chatty woman, but all she talks about is herself! How much money she has, how great her husband is, all their holidays. If I try to talk she talks over me with more self stories! I'm wondering if I attract the wrong people or im a bad judge of character. I think I'm a good listener. I don't tell people my achievements because I think it's boastful and I don't think it's interesting unless its really relevant to the conversation. I'd rather talk about music, current affairs, or places we mutually know.
I could write books on my friends/colleagues life's. Most of them don't know that much about me. They don't ask usually.
I also was brought up to believe that talking about how much money you have is vulgar.

AIBU?
Is this just the modern world? 😂

money shouts and wealth is silent

I hear this all the time on this class-obsessed site and it's such bollocks. Is Buckingham Palace understated? Are any stately homes? They were all built to show off wealth and luxury. People visit them as tourist attractions because they're so impressive.

A self-obsessed bore who can't talk about anything but themselves is bad company, I do agree.

Still, I can't really warm to all the self-congratulatory "I am so virtuous and superior because I'm so modest and self-effacing" stuff. As for the idea that wealthy people (even the superior Old Money ones) don't ever buy obviously expensive stuff or live in palatial homes, don't make me laugh.

@DrSbaitso - do you not think they are virtues? Surely people should be polite because it’s the right thing to do not because they want to be polite.

Good manners shouldn’t be a choice, like taking up watercolour painting or playing the flugelhorn: they should be the default. And I’m not talking about the sort of manners which require one to know how to eat an artichoke in polite company; I mean basic manners which involve listening and participating in a conversation, not just dominating and assuming the other party is fascinated by you.

I think a lot of people have lost the art of asking questions about the other person to keep the conversation going and interesting for both parties. It means that if you’re the type of person who thinks of questions to ask and then politely listens to the answers, things can get frustrating and you leave the conversation feeling like you’ve been taken for granted.

[quote DottyHarmer]**@DrSbaitso* - do you not think they are virtues? Surely people should be polite because it’s the right thing to do not because they want* to be polite.

Good manners shouldn’t be a choice, like taking up watercolour painting or playing the flugelhorn: they should be the default. And I’m not talking about the sort of manners which require one to know how to eat an artichoke in polite company; I mean basic manners which involve listening and participating in a conversation, not just dominating and assuming the other party is fascinated by you.[/quote]
I don't think they're virtues when they're practised insincerely and only to cultivate a feeling of superiority and justify a wish to sneer at others for being less virtuous.

Boring on for ages about yourself and not caring what other people have to say is dull and self-absorbed. But I don't really think it's much better to bad mouth people for not being as virtuous as wonderful and self-effacing as oneself.

I can't help but feel there's a sense of people who would like to talk more about themselves (and that's not automatically a bad thing) but don't because they want to Be Virtuous, and then are just pissed off that nobody recognises their virtue.

Social and people skills are a good thing. But virtue is its own reward. To thine own self be true.

I suppose that what I mean is the difference between "I should engage the other person in an interactive two-way discussion because that's basic decency, plus I'd like to know what they have to say" and "All these terrible self-obsessed people, they should be more like me, I am virtuous in my modesty!"

The latter is just as much of an ego trip, really.

I think social media has made people more competitive, braggy and showy offey, especially younger people. So many people I meet today are so quick to tell you that they are CEO's & Directors, and seem occupied by outward appearances and status.

I have a bus stop friend, a young woman of around 22-25 (I am 54) who I got chatting with and who introduced herself to me as the 'CEO and Creative Director of Zara Fashions (name changed) and that she was heading into town to have a 'strategy meeting' in X coffee shop with a friend. She's always talking about her fashion business, inventory, Spring advertising campaigns, research & development and whether she should diversify into shoes or a lifestyle brand, etc. I'm not massively interested, but I had the impression from the way she's gone on about it that she's a high flyer with an important job, running a huge fashion empire, a peer professional of Donatella Versace or Wendy Millen.

Then about a year later I discovered through a mutual friend who knows her mother and also does a day as a volunteer at the Cats Protection charity shop, that said 'Zara' lives with her mum, doesn't have a job and scours the charity shops for stuff to sell on her eBay shop. She also poses on Instagram wearing clothes she is trying to sell. We suspect she may also be claiming state benefits, but that wasn't totally clear. That's it.

So, is she an aspirational entrepreneur or just a BS poseur?

The point, I'm making (and forgive me cos I'm old) is that there seems to be a lot of smoke & mirrors going on these days with that young person's philosophy (which I keep hearing more of) of fake it til you make it. When I was younger a spade was called a spade, but nowadays it seems it can be whatever you want it to be.

@Rosehugger

I don't know, I like people who speak confidently about themselves (as long as it isn't over the top - which can be insecurity/narcissism) as well as people who are quieter.

I don't think it's necessarily boasting to talk about positive things but yes, it can be too much, just as people being negative/false modesty can be.

The insecurity/narcissism point is spot on.

I didn’t realise until I was quite old myself that adults talk incessantly due to insecurity, having always associated this behaviour with only children. It’s actually very telling when someone speaks excessively to overcompensate as you can read the insecurity quite easily. In those cases again I would find it hard to actively make them stop as presumably that makes them more insecure??

So, is she an aspirational entrepreneur or just a BS poseur?

She's probably somewhere in the middle. Social media is necessary these days to promote any business you have. It's a bit wanky to call yourself CEO and Creative Director when you're a one-woman show but I don't really see what's wrong with using Instagram to model the clothes you're attempting to sell, or why she couldn't be trying to think of seasonal ways to promote sales.

@again2020

It's occurred to me tonight that most of my friends and acquaintances, are, for want of a better word, conceited. Several friends I know can just go on a monologue talking about themselves and their achievements, barely pausing for breath. That's not a conversation to me.

I've recently met a mum through DDs hobby,and warmed to her as she was a very chatty woman, but all she talks about is herself! How much money she has, how great her husband is, all their holidays. If I try to talk she talks over me with more self stories! I'm wondering if I attract the wrong people or im a bad judge of character. I think I'm a good listener. I don't tell people my achievements because I think it's boastful and I don't think it's interesting unless its really relevant to the conversation. I'd rather talk about music, current affairs, or places we mutually know.
I could write books on my friends/colleagues life's. Most of them don't know that much about me. They don't ask usually.
I also was brought up to believe that talking about how much money you have is vulgar.

AIBU?
Is this just the modern world? 😂

This with bells on. I have done a lot of 'cutting' out over the years because I felt like a soundboard more than a friend. Conversations are way more fun when they're two-way and it's important to feel valued when communicating with the people we consider to be friends.

The correct response is:
Did your trumpeter die, dear?

I feel this. I met a mum through one of DDs friendships and I was quite excited, same age and same hobbies and likes. However she is massively self absorbed. It came to a head when DH was very unwell and she never even asked about him and was still ramble on about how tired/busy she was. There’s recently been a death in her family and throughout the illness I have endured a running commentary about it and constant need for sympathy.
She also thinks that I take some massive pleasure in looking after her children who are incredibly hard work. She frequently drops hints about me taking them for a whole weekend whilst never ever inviting DD round.
As bad as she is, her husband is a championship level bore. He monologues about himself non stop. I wonder if she is like this as she never gets a word in at home.

Totally! I have one friend who even if you interupt her will go back to the exact place she left off as though she couldn't bear you to miss anything! I find alot of people like this. I think I'm too polite and listen too well. Trying looking bored and looking away. It works! It feels rude but it is no ruder than them banging on at you.

People like this do disappear over time in order to find some other person to latch onto to talk about themselves to.
Not easy if it's a relative though

She also thinks that I take some massive pleasure in looking after her children who are incredibly hard work. She frequently drops hints about me taking them for a whole weekend whilst never ever inviting DD round

That is so annoying!! I hope you never offer to have hers!

I realised recently that no-one in my family despite odd appearance odd question or input actually listens.

Work colleagues and acquaintances I've encounted this phemonenon and do come away bit depressed but did think people closer were listening - but no not to me not to others. It explains a lot.

No idea what to do about it either - its old and and young.

I agree, you’re probably a magnet to them as you’re a good listener.

I’ve had similar so my boundaries are firmer now and I simply will not tolerate listening to someone talk about themselves endlessly for extended periods of time.

I avoid such people.

@DrSbaitso

I suppose that what I mean is the difference between "I should engage the other person in an interactive two-way discussion because that's basic decency, plus I'd like to know what they have to say" and "All these terrible self-obsessed people, they should be more like me, I am virtuous in my modesty!"

The latter is just as much of an ego trip, really.

Yes, I agree with this. I like people who are confident in their own worth, who talk well, and who are good storytellers. I find intense self-deprecation dispiriting because it's so much to do with gendered socialisation. That someone is 'full of themselves' doesn't necessarily mean they aren't also interested in you.

And yes to the tiresomeness of 'I never speak of myself, because it would not be good manners'.

I'm not sure why you choose to have friends like this?

@Howshouldibehave

She also thinks that I take some massive pleasure in looking after her children who are incredibly hard work. She frequently drops hints about me taking them for a whole weekend whilst never ever inviting DD round

That is so annoying!! I hope you never offer to have hers!

I used to have her DD (my DDs friend) round frequently, I asked in 2 emergency situations when I was really stuck for her to have DD and she gave pathetic excuses. So I stopped. Thing is my DD is super quiet and easy, hers is hard work and wants constant attention. The other is even worse. She still does the ‘would be lovely if me and DH could get away alone for a weekend’ and I always answer ‘same for us’. No chance.

I honestly can’t say I ever notice this?! I chat to friends, family, schools mums etc and no one ever goes on a long rant about how wonderful/wealthy/talented they are. Who are these people!?

Bug bear.
Can’t be fucked with these kind.
My respect and tolerance goes to zero once these shenanigans begin.
I remove myself quick sharp.

As an antisocial introvert on the surface, a good listener. EVERYONES favourite subject is them self.
No. Just no.

I too am old. I have had waaaay too many one sided conversations with an individual who know not a single thing about me, but I know bloody everything about them.
I’ve no time for that shit.

Who talks about how money they have ffs .. how insecure she must be to have to prove herself !
I'd never mention money in chit chat ! 🙄🙄

I don't like talking about money and think it can be rude but I've also noticed many people don't agree. I'd never ask how much someone earns or how much their house cost but others think this is perfectly fine.

As for talking about yourself, it can be a grey area. Some people are terrible bores that go on about themselves and nothing else. Other people may accidentally talk about themselves more than they meant to if the conversation isn't going well so they get nervous, or the other person isn't giving much back.