To think many people are too full of themselves?

[again2020]

It's occurred to me tonight that most of my friends and acquaintances, are, for want of a better word, conceited.
Several friends I know can just go on a monologue talking about themselves and their achievements, barely pausing for breath. That's not a conversation to me.

I've recently met a mum through DDs hobby,and warmed to her as she was a very chatty woman, but all she talks about is herself! How much money she has, how great her husband is, all their holidays. If I try to talk she talks over me with more self stories! I'm wondering if I attract the wrong people or im a bad judge of character. I think I'm a good listener. I don't tell people my achievements because I think it's boastful and I don't think it's interesting unless its really relevant to the conversation. I'd rather talk about music, current affairs, or places we mutually know.
I could write books on my friends/colleagues life's. Most of them don't know that much about me. They don't ask usually.
I also was brought up to believe that talking about how much money you have is vulgar.

AIBU?
Is this just the modern world? 😂

I now avoid people like this as l can't get in a word edgeways. I feel that people like this, have 0 self awareness

I was always brought up to talk about money was vulgar too. I know two women who boast endlessly about how much money they have- neither of them are from the UK and oddly they are both from the same country. (I will not say which because they are literally the only 2 people I know from that country!).

I find it awful. I went for a 3 hour lunch with one of them once and it was endless. Constant monologue about her husband's racehorses (part of a million person syndicate is my guess) her husband's offshore racing boats, how much she spent on her bathroom conversion. At one point I shoe horned myself into the conversation out of sheer boredom and mentioned we were looking to move house to one closer to school and she chirruped ; ' Oh you should look at [names 2.5 million pound manor house] that would per perfect for you' clearly expecting me to say we could not afford it (we can't). Then she started on about how much she recommended being mortgage free etc etc etc . The people at the tables on either side of us were starting to giggle and stare at me with compassion.

anyway, just had to rant. I try and insert myself into most MN threads no matter how pointless my contribution!

I've met many people like this ( I'm old though )
There is one lady at work who only ever goes on about herself. It's kind of ingrained
No interest in anyone but herself
I do hate the ones who talk over you. I've known lots of those types as well!
Not much advice as eventually people get fed up with them and move on as you will from this person , she'll just find someone else to talk too instead and bore them instead
It's the fact they are so unaware they are doing it that gets to me as well.

@PollenIsland

If literally everyone in your life monologues at you about their own fabulousness, I think you might need to ask whether something in the way you present yourself socially is causing or contributing to the dynamic. What, for instance, do you do when someone monologues at you? Do you sit there smiling and nodding and concealing your boredom? Why do you consider people who do this all the time and appear to have no interest in you as friends? Are there no ‘penalties’ for their behaviour?

I ask because my mother’s worst insult for someone is ‘Oh, she’s very full of herself’, but she contributes to people doing it, because she just nods, smiles and says ‘Oh, really?’ and ‘Did you?’ and appears fascinated. If I’m visiting my parents and my mother takes a phone call, she will sit in the hall for an hour or more, only occasionally saying ‘Did you really?’ or That’s nice’ to someone who possibly thinks they’ve had a lovely catch-up.

Oh that is definitely my problem! I don't know how to stop it though. I feel like I have two settings, overly polite or downright rude and I can't seem to find that middle ground.

DH and I frequently discuss how astoundingly few questions other people ask in conversation. I always thought that real conversation is back and forth, ebb and flow. Now it seems, particularly in a group situation, it’s each person doing a monologue until someone else butts in and takes over

YANBU.

I've distanced myself from people like this who just drone on and on about themselves and don't let you get a word in edge ways. It's boring and repetitive would rather have a deep conversation about something interesting. I also find those who talk about themselves are prone to gossip and pull others down.

I like the word “conceited” , OP. Much underused these days!

I am interested in @PollenIsland ‘s point about self-examination, as I am her dm! I have hour-long phone calls with a relative after which I can go on Mastermind answering questions on her life and times. But she would have to pass on any question at all about me. I go, “Oh, really?” “Oh, yes,” “That’s wonderful” ad infinitum.

Actually the past couple of years has prompted me to not stand for some people’s full-of-themselves behaviour. Once Bil and sil droned on for one and a half hours about their weekend break to a European capital - the people, the cuisine, the language… All very well, but dsis has lived there for 30 years and I have been numerous times

@mintich, why not just take a bit of conversational control, perfectly civilly, rather than just giving the impression you are fascinated and want them to continue, though? I mean, it's perfectly possible to be polite and still change the subject from 'Monologue about the gall bladder operations of people you've never met' or 'A disquisition on why my thoughts on Ukraine are profound and correct, despite the fact I couldn't point to it on a map'.

I mean, you don't have to either be 'Fascinating! Do say more!' or 'Shut UP, you dullard!'

A relative does this I have realised. Not extensively but it’s very rare to go for a visit and for her not to have said one thing complimenting herself. I’m completely the other way, maybe as a result!

I am happy to hear about my friends' achievements and the achievements of their children, but I don't know anyone who behaves as OP describes, and I wouldn't want to be part of a "conversation" which was only about that. I do tend to take people's own assessments of their talents at face value though, which has led to a few occasions where I have asked people to do things which I thought they would really enjoy, having the chance to show how brilliant they are, and it has turned out they are not quite as they represented themselves

@PollenIsland

If literally everyone in your life monologues at you about their own fabulousness, I think you might need to ask whether something in the way you present yourself socially is causing or contributing to the dynamic. What, for instance, do you do when someone monologues at you? Do you sit there smiling and nodding and concealing your boredom? Why do you consider people who do this all the time and appear to have no interest in you as friends? Are there no ‘penalties’ for their behaviour?

I ask because my mother’s worst insult for someone is ‘Oh, she’s very full of herself’, but she contributes to people doing it, because she just nods, smiles and says ‘Oh, really?’ and ‘Did you?’ and appears fascinated. If I’m visiting my parents and my mother takes a phone call, she will sit in the hall for an hour or more, only occasionally saying ‘Did you really?’ or That’s nice’ to someone who possibly thinks they’ve had a lovely catch-up.

I agree that in my case it can be self-inflicted and I should consider my own role in the scenario. However my general experience is that it is really hard to stop these people when they’re in free flow! Of course you can reduce contact if it’s something which gets you down and I wouldn’t let anyone do this if it was having an impact on my mental health. But it can also sometimes just be easier to just let someone wang on whilst you sit back and consider how to avoid them in future. This applies particularly with enforced social scenarios like school events etc I think.

Agree that the art of conversation is being lost. It's just a game of Pass the Monologue now. I blame social media, the structure of which encourages an I Did/ I Am style of interaction with a non specific audience, rather than asking questions or bringing tidbits that are specifically interesting to the person in front of you.

It is too difficult to enter a conversation with a lot of people. I know with bil and sil, they will talk and talk and if you try to make any inroads they just stare and say nothing. If they talk about the moon, say, and you interject with, “Actually, I am booked to go with Elon Musk next month” there will be a long silence, and then they’ll start off again talking about themselves.

Also this type of person cannot talk about a neutral subject or current events. They literally only have one topic of conversation - them.

Although, and I can’t compute this, why can they tell you about other people yet never, ever learn anything about you? Mil could tell me about Joan down-the-road’s dh’s haemorrhoids and I wonder how she listened to Joan but never learned one thing about me.

There are so many MeMes everywhere you go! They are boring and I avoid them like the plague. They have no self awareness.

YANBU. I know several people like this but no one that I class as a friend, simply because I don’t want to be friends with this sort of person. Their lack of awareness astounds me, and I find anyone who talks about themselves constantly utterly boring!

Then she started on about how much she recommended being mortgage free etc etc etc .

What a pathetic, tone-deaf woman. Does she really think that most people actively choose a mortgage rather than simply using their multi-millions of savings, because they think that mortgages are 'all the rage' and it just hasn't occurred to them that borrowing and having to repay money is worse than not taking a loan that you don't need?

I've got no time at all for people like this. Nothing wrong with sharing your joy in the odd big achievement; but by the same token, you should be just as thrilled to share your friend's joy in theirs as well.

I'd love to see what these people put on their CVs, if this is what they're like in general conversation. Probably guff about 'now being ready for a greater challenge and opportunity to really use my skills to the full' following their one-man space mission to Saturn and giving the Sun a bit of a push on the way back, to make UK summers warmer for us all to enjoy.

Some people are like that. Social media has given them more outlets but they've always been there. And not all self-absorbed people use social media.

You can either stay in their company while being secretly pissed off, or avoid them where possible.

@galacticpixels

My old team at work had so many people like this. I knew absolutely everything about their lives but they never in 3 years asked me a question. I found it hilarious one time when a coworker remarked to a mutual friend that they'd seen me with a guy at the weekend (my DP, who I lived with!). Like it had just dawned on him that I might have a life too haha.

I worked in the same school for almost twenty years and took great delight in people knowing very little about me outside of work! A couple of months after I retired, aka escaped, I wandered in to show a couple of friends a photo of my first grandchild, they were astonished that they'd had no idea she was coming. Reading many threads on here and other SM sites I sometimes think that 'over-sharing' is one of the roots of problems some people have.

There's nothing more boring than people talking about how much money they have.
I won't entertain these halfwits.

@PollenIsland

If literally everyone in your life monologues at you about their own fabulousness, I think you might need to ask whether something in the way you present yourself socially is causing or contributing to the dynamic. What, for instance, do you do when someone monologues at you? Do you sit there smiling and nodding and concealing your boredom? Why do you consider people who do this all the time and appear to have no interest in you as friends? Are there no ‘penalties’ for their behaviour?

I ask because my mother’s worst insult for someone is ‘Oh, she’s very full of herself’, but she contributes to people doing it, because she just nods, smiles and says ‘Oh, really?’ and ‘Did you?’ and appears fascinated. If I’m visiting my parents and my mother takes a phone call, she will sit in the hall for an hour or more, only occasionally saying ‘Did you really?’ or That’s nice’ to someone who possibly thinks they’ve had a lovely catch-up.

Good point.

My mum's definition of someone who is rude is simply someone who disagrees with her, or who calls her out on her monologues or ranting.

Whereas there will be lots of people who call her rude or awkward behind her back whilst they politely nod along in person.

I was brought up to see modesty and self deprecation as virtues

You should practise those things because you want to, not because you think they make you superior.

Oh wow don't I know how you all feel! My next door nieghbour is like this and its like watching paint dry. Just monotonous droning on like theres' no tomorrow! Saying the same old thing over and over again and I could be dealing with hypoglycaemia and he still goes on with himself and it can be very hard to extricate myself from my front door!

However, I have started telling him " you told me that before" and he acknowledges what I've said and carries on like a rat up a drainpipe.

I think they like the sound of thier own voices and it can be draining so I end the conversation after only a few minutes as I find things to do!

@again2020
I've found this

I was taught never to discuss money and it's vulgar I totally agree

My mother use to say "money shouts and wealth is silent"

I don't know, I like people who speak confidently about themselves (as long as it isn't over the top - which can be insecurity/narcissism) as well as people who are quieter.

I don't think it's necessarily boasting to talk about positive things but yes, it can be too much, just as people being negative/false modesty can be.