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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
LaChanticleer · 23/02/2022 18:54

I'm just saying I think men should be able to walk away from an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy but everyone jumps down their throat.

If men don't want the responsibility for conception, they need to take responsibility for contraception.

Men need to take responsibility for their own fertility.

affairsofdragons · 23/02/2022 18:54

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

Nope.

YABU

Men do have a choice, their choice just comes sooner in the process: they can choose to have/not have sex knowing they don't want children. They take the risk at that point in the process. They can eliminate the risk by being super careful with birth control ... taking personal responsibility for it via condoms ... or having a vasectomy.

Once there's an actual pregnancy, accidental or otherwise, it can only be the woman's ultimate choice whether to carry to term because the potential baby requires the woman's body to grow them.

If the baby is born, the baby's rights and needs have to trump those of the parents as it can't support itself, so it is entirely right that both parents are held responsible for the material welfare of the child.

blublub · 23/02/2022 18:55

I’m afraid by having sex they are consenting to have a child. It really is that simple. Otherwise abstain or have a vasectomy. Sex is a reproductive act. No one is forcing them but I don’t think they should have the right to abandon the consequences of actions they have chosen to engage in.

Lemonlady22 · 23/02/2022 18:55

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

They do have a choice... not to shag around carelessly.
And by that reasoning women shouldn't shag around carelessly, have 3 or 4 kids by different dads, get subsidised housing cos their entitled and claim benefits cos their entitled.etc etc shocking statement which is sexist. By all means have as many kids as you want but support them yourself if you want to 'shag around carelssly'....poor women forced to get pregnant by careless men!
BearOfEasttown · 23/02/2022 18:55

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Whilst I've previously on the thread said you can't force a woman to have an abortion and I believe that,i do think it's disingenuous to say when it comes to a man its a baby but if a woman has an abortion it's not getting rid of a baby it's just a "pregnancy" to try and sugar coat it.
This. ^
LookAtThatCritter · 23/02/2022 18:55

YANBU at all. It’s still the man’s responsibility, even if they’ve taken precautions and he’ll be paying for it for 18 years so of course he should get a say in whether it’s born or not. If the woman is insisting that she has it then he shouldn’t need to pay child support.

Women are just as capable of taking birth control or using protection too.

Pumperthepumper · 23/02/2022 18:56

@LookAtThatCritter

YANBU at all. It’s still the man’s responsibility, even if they’ve taken precautions and he’ll be paying for it for 18 years so of course he should get a say in whether it’s born or not. If the woman is insisting that she has it then he shouldn’t need to pay child support.

Women are just as capable of taking birth control or using protection too.

So make the kid suffer?
Lilac57 · 23/02/2022 18:56

It's (obviously) a lot easier for a man to just walk away, than it is for a woman to abort, so YABU. They pretty much can do that anyway, bar a bit of child support, the minimum of which is practically nothing, so men have plenty of rights already imo. Noone is forcing them to raise a child that they don't want.

Testingprof · 23/02/2022 18:56

@AmandaHoldensLips

Men cause pregnancies. They can elect not to get a woman pregnant by taking full responsibility for contraception. It's not rocket science.

My brother was shocked to be caught out by 3 "surprise" pregnancies. He's an idiot.

I agree. I had a relative that was ‘surprised’ by a similar number of pregnancies but only one child resulted from them. Tbh I was bored of the extended family throwing insults at his partner for catching him out. He was old enough to know how babies were made and once was an accident, twice my sympathy had got up and left the building by number three they all knew not to have the conversation while I was in the same room.

@user57639206 the man’s decision rightly ends at the point he chooses to ejaculate inside a woman. The reason for the male pill stopping testing was a loss in libido which is a well known side effect of the pill, let that sink in.
In any case the amount of maintenance given to women often hardly covers half of the actual cost of raising the child so take that misogynistic jingo elsewhere.

Lockheart · 23/02/2022 18:57

Men have every right to not want a baby.

What they don't have is the right to absolve themselves of their responsibilities - i.e. their children.

SprayedWithDettol · 23/02/2022 18:57

If you don’t want a child, don’t have sex. It’s not difficult.

pollypokcet · 23/02/2022 18:57

And by that reasoning women shouldn't shag around carelessly, have 3 or 4 kids by different dads, get subsidised housing cos their entitled and claim benefits cos their entitled.etc etc shocking statement which is sexist. By all means have as many kids as you want but support them yourself if you want to 'shag around carelssly'....poor women forced to get pregnant by careless men!

@Lemonlady22

The housing is for the children. She wouldn't get it if she didn't have custody - or should we let kids go without to punish them mothers?Confused

Child maintenance is also for the child, not a punishment for men.

Brefugee · 23/02/2022 18:57

I'm sure that there are hundreds of thousands of men who were trapped by women stabbing holes in condoms. Easy way round that: if you are going to use a condom: bring your own.

I wonder if there are more or fewer men trapped by these condom-stabbing women than there are abused women trapped by men who are lovely right up until she gets pregnant. That is interesting.

A man should be allowed to give up his parental rights altogether if not married. But it would need to be done in a formal way like adoption.

Bollocks. Too late. If there is a pregnancy and subsequent baby he needs to cough up the cold, hard cash. That is the very least he must be compelled to do. Because as pp have said, the child had absolutely no say in this. And as the child of a single (from the outset) mother who will find it harder to work, harder to earn a good salary, may take a big hit to her health - that already puts the child at a disadvantage.

So "waahhhh what about da menz" in this case cuts no ice. If you want PIV sex with a woman, there is a possible consequence. Suck it up. Take out insurance, whatever. But don't whine about it.

GlitchStitch · 23/02/2022 18:58

The amount of posters who would happily condemn a child to poverty so that men can have consequence free sex is really grim.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/02/2022 18:58

@user57639206

Again to clarify, I do not endorse forced abortions or pregnancy on any woman.

I'm say why can a man not just walk away without stigma???

Because walking away from a child you have created is an arsehole thing to do and deserves stigma. If men don’t want children then they don’t need to have sex. And if you think women’s choices, whatever they may be, go without scrutiny then you’re very naive.
WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 18:58

Men also have the right to wear a condom or have a vasectomy?

Absolutely but condoms aren’t 100% effective so if it doesn’t work what then?

And if we give 1 rule for men who wear a condom and another rule for those that don’t, then there is going to be many men saying they did wear a condom and it’s his word against hers.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/02/2022 18:58

Men have the right to prevent pregnancy

Women have the right to prevent pregnancy

Once pregnant (as that takes place inside a woman) only she has the right

Bizawit · 23/02/2022 18:58

@user57639206

Again to clarify, I do not endorse forced abortions or pregnancy on any woman.

I'm say why can a man not just walk away without stigma???

BECAUSE Of the CHILD!! Or do you not care a toot about them. MRA bill at its worst. 1000x YABU.
SarahBellam · 23/02/2022 18:59

@FedUpOfLighteningCrotch

I completely agree.

A man can literally be forced to contribute to a baby he doesn’t want. It doesn’t work equally for women because they have the rights to their body.

If she doesn’t want a baby and she does, she can abort regardless of his opinion. Which is fair, it’s her body.

If she does want a baby, he doesn’t - she can keep the baby and then force him to contribute to that child, no matter what.

The fact is men have 0 choice. And I’ve been on these MN threads before where users think it’s as black and white as “don’t have sex then” - but we’re talking about two people, perhaps in a relationship and both absolutely consenting to having sex, the woman knows the risks as much as the man and still the choice in unequal.

Men can’t dictate what a woman does with her body, but they should at least be able to dictate what he does with his wallet in the case of an unwanted pregnancy.

Men absolutely have a choice. If they don’t want a baby they use protection, have a vasectomy, or don’t have sex. That’s 3 choices. Men need to take control of their own fertility and stop leaving it to women. They are responsible for what they do with their sperm. They really can’t blame a women for getting pregnant when they’re the one who made the choice not to take precautions.
LookAtThatCritter · 23/02/2022 18:59

@ Pumperthepumper yes. If the woman can’t support a child by herself then she shouldn’t have the child.

Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit · 23/02/2022 18:59

Fuck me OP. If anyones missed the point - spectacularly - it's you.

How many times do people have to say "do not ejaculate into a woman's body if you do not want a child" for it to sink in?

Livingjusttolive · 23/02/2022 18:59

Surely if he wants to make the choice to walk away without a stigma then he wouldn’t be so stupid to have unprotected sex in the first place.

Snugglepumpkin · 23/02/2022 19:00

All men always have the choice not to have a baby.

It's really simple, just don't have sex with a woman.

If they want to have sex with a woman, then men have to accept the outcome could be a child & if that really bothers them that much then they could have a vasectomy to make sure it doesn't happen.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/02/2022 19:00

No contraception is 100% effective;there will always be the very small percentage where it's fails.

With sex,protected or not pregnancy is always a risk.

Pumperthepumper · 23/02/2022 19:00

@LookAtThatCritter

@ Pumperthepumper yes. If the woman can’t support a child by herself then she shouldn’t have the child.
That’s a bold statement! Do you often support men over children?