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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 24/02/2022 20:34

I think it can be tough depending on your age group, at my age trying to find someone who doesn't have kids is where it becomes difficult but they're are people out there of course there is you just haven't found it yet.

I’m not looking for a relationship and I don’t want another man in my kids lives personally, though I do accept there are some good step parents out there it’s just not a given and not anything I’ve ever decided to seek.

cuno · 24/02/2022 20:35

@ConsuelaHammock

I think it would be easier if all men and women remained virgins until at least 25ish (when our brains fully mature) Perhaps we could fit some kind of chastity device to both sexes which could only be removed when they they are in a long term loving relationship? And they are able to financially support themselves and any possible children.
Please tell me you're joking.
Neurodiversitydoctor · 24/02/2022 20:37

If men don't want a baby they should have a vasectomy the failure rate is very low.

Rdsdadmum · 24/02/2022 20:41

@JudgeE

Rds, you said yourself your friend doesn't give a shit about his dad. That's the kind of man you're defending here, for goodness sake.

Paying a bit of money to the mother, maybe seeing your child once a month is not a big ask. I'm genuine mind blown at how you can not judge someone so useless.

Good on his stepdad, bio dad should still be helping out not relying on another man to be a father to his child.

Defending who? In other words he doesn't have any hang ups about his bio, when I said doesn't give a shit it meant that it doesn't bother him, he grew up just fine without him. So why be mad about it? Doesn't make any sense
saraclara · 24/02/2022 20:42

@Neurodiversitydoctor

If men don't want a baby they should have a vasectomy the failure rate is very low.
Yep. Let's tell every 17 year old male to get a vasectomy. Because obviously not wanting a baby at 17 isn't something they'll ever change their minds about.
Rdsdadmum · 24/02/2022 20:43

@RedCandyApple

I think it can be tough depending on your age group, at my age trying to find someone who doesn't have kids is where it becomes difficult but they're are people out there of course there is you just haven't found it yet.

I’m not looking for a relationship and I don’t want another man in my kids lives personally, though I do accept there are some good step parents out there it’s just not a given and not anything I’ve ever decided to seek.

Fair enough that's your decision, not everybody is the same though. But you're right it's not a given.
ILoveYou3000 · 24/02/2022 20:49

*Yes they are, I have a friend whose dad wasn't there but had a step father, he couldn't give a shit about his real dad but loves his step father to bits. Don't get too hung up on bio, kids just want to be loved. I understand it must be infuriating to have your life turned upside down because of a child while the one that helped you make it swans off doing his own thing I totally get that but again it shouldn't be about that ultimately if the child is happy secure and loved what else matters?

I think it can be tough depending on your age group, at my age trying to find someone who doesn't have kids is where it becomes difficult but they're are people out there of course there is you just haven't found it yet.*

So you've told people their experiences are theirs and that they need to open their mind and accept everyone's circumstances as different while insisting yours are accepted. I could tell my own stories of kids abandoned by their dad where it has affected them. I also know those who've had no effect. Regardless though, those children had the right to be financially supported by both of their biological parents.

A step-parent is not guaranteed. They are also not responsible for the offspring of others. They may well come to love their stepchildren and the really good ones step up and provide, that still doesn't excuse a biological parent walking away without a backwards glance.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 24/02/2022 20:50

@Choppingonions

41wanttomarryamillionaire

What do you think should have happened?

I really don't know tbh. I just see how unhappy the situation is from all sides. I could not imagine having to tell my child that their " father" would rather they didn't exist.
RedRobyn2021 · 24/02/2022 20:59

Thing is, if the woman decides to keep the baby then they aren't just a pregnancy they become a person

I am such a person in fact with an entirely absent father who I've never met!

Luciemaie · 24/02/2022 21:02

They do have the right to not want a baby.. that’s why they have condoms….

Neurodiversitydoctor · 24/02/2022 21:03

So as previous poster said options are

  1. Don't have sex
  2. Use the best contraception you can (teach young men how to use condoms effectively)

That's it. There is no third way.

User135644 · 24/02/2022 21:08

@WindyState

How is shagging around and fucking off without paying a penny best for a child, exactly?
'Shagging around' is hardly conducive for bringing a child into the world anyway (if the aim wasn't to get pregnant).

It's a catch all term but there's many different scenarios. Man and woman in a relationship but don't want baby, pregnancy accidentally happens through contraceptive failure and the woman decides to go through with it. Should the man have been in a celibate relationship because he didn't want kids.

It's not all just because some feckless loser shags his way around town but won't have anything to do with the children he fathers.

ParsleySageRosemary · 24/02/2022 21:09

Shouldn't be about men vs woman but it looks like that's the case with you. Perhaps you have your reasons for that but please stop pushing that onto other people. Show empathy and understanding for others man or woman, we are all human beings and we all have feelings at the end of the day.

What absolute bollocks. Men have forced women since the beginning of time.

User135644 · 24/02/2022 21:10

@ButtercupOfFlorin

An unwanted baby remains that and both are in the wrong in creating it in the first place.

If a woman wants a baby and a man doesn’t it isn’t an ‘unwanted baby’, or a ‘mistake’. It’s VERY telling that you think women are essentially vessels and men are the only ones with valid opinions.

Children need a father and a mother.
User135644 · 24/02/2022 21:18

@FairyCakeWings

To those who’ve said men should legally be able to sign their rights away - several of us have asked numerous times now how this would work practically - a fair question I think for such an extreme view that will have dire consequences on children. Why hasn’t anybody answered?

I don’t get paid enough nor have enough knowledge of the law to work out the details, but I’d assume that there would be a given time where a man could go to go to court and register a pregnancy and declare no responsibility and no rights in future. The pregnant woman would be notified and that would be that.

It would rely on women telling men as soon as they knew they were pregnant and the difficulty would be in deciding what would be a fair amount of time into the pregnancy for this to have to be done by. It would not be a perfect solution, but it would go some way to addressing the inequality we have at the moment with rights to decide about becoming a parent.

One way would be that up to a certain stage of the pregnancy (i.e. when abortion is still practical) then men can sign away any rights to a part in that child's life, if not bonded by marriage to the pregnant woman. As well as financial it means they have no rights when it comes to visitation or any part in the child's life down the line.

May not be at all practical, but that would be the theory. It wasn't that long ago, children out of wedlock was a big sin anyway.

ILoveYou3000 · 24/02/2022 21:25

*One way would be that up to a certain stage of the pregnancy (i.e. when abortion is still practical) then men can sign away any rights to a part in that child's life, if not bonded by marriage to the pregnant woman. As well as financial it means they have no rights when it comes to visitation or any part in the child's life down the line.

May not be at all practical, but that would be the theory. It wasn't that long ago, children out of wedlock was a big sin anyway.*

And what about the child's right to be financially supported by both of their parents? Why does a man's right to walk away matter more?

TerraNovaTwo · 24/02/2022 21:26

YABVVU

If a man doesn't want/is not ready for a baby he should be wearing a condom, using the male contraceptive pill or abstaining from sex. It's quite simple, really.

BobLep0nge · 24/02/2022 21:26

Why won't anyone answer my question 'How many children should a father be able to wash his hand's of?' ?

TerraNovaTwo · 24/02/2022 21:26

Or have a vasectomy

SnowdropsInSpring · 24/02/2022 21:27

@BobLep0nge

Why won't anyone answer my question 'How many children should a father be able to wash his hand's of?' ?
As many as a woman might choose to abort if she doesn’t want children.
TheKeatingFive · 24/02/2022 21:31

And what about the child's right to be financially supported by both of their parents? Why does a man's right to walk away matter more?

Because arseholes want rights to consequence free sex and don't give a shit if children suffer to enable that 'right' 🤷‍♀️

ILoveYou3000 · 24/02/2022 21:31

As many as a woman might choose to abort if she doesn’t want children.

Honesty, think about what you've just said here.

Unbelievable.

BobLep0nge · 24/02/2022 21:36

As many as a woman might choose to abort if she doesn’t want children

So considering women can only have a certain amount of pregnancies in her lifetime so would only be able to abort a certain number of times, how many children should a man be able to wash his hands of? 40? Remember, a man can impregnant hundreds of women over his lifetime if he chooses to. What's your number?

Rosebel · 24/02/2022 21:41

Actually I agree that men should be able to walk away because I have seen the effects on the child of having a forced father in his life.
The child in question cut all ties with his father after he left school and no surprise. He was an absolutely shit father and would have been better for everyone if he had walked away but he didn't because of the stigma.

BobLep0nge · 24/02/2022 21:45

Actually I agree that men should be able to walk away because I have seen the effects on the child of having a forced father in his life

A man can pay for his child without being in his child's life.

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