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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 23/02/2022 19:43

Thank you cat and cinci Blush

Just10moreminutesplease · 23/02/2022 19:43

No, whilst I have some sympathy for men who find themselves in this situation (no contraception is 100% effective), it’s just not the same.

If a woman chooses to continue with a pregnancy then a baby exists who has the right to know and be supported by both their parents. If a woman chooses an abortion, no child exists to have these rights.

RegardingMary · 23/02/2022 19:43

Men are well within their rights to not want a baby.

They should be actively encouraged to express this, by wearing a condom or abstaining from sex.

GlitchStitch · 23/02/2022 19:43

No man nor woman should be forced to do what they dont want to do....if they were in a relationship he needs to man up and at least financially support the child. If one night stand he should have the right to walk away without any reproach. Although he would still be called. As would be the woman who had the one night stand and got pregnant

Another post dividing children into deserving and undeserving.

cinci · 23/02/2022 19:44

@PearPickingPorky

Thank you cat and cinci Blush

I had to think for a second too Smile

RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 19:44

But then surely all of us end up paying for that child, because someone has to? So if a guy decides that he's doesn't fancy being a father we all (as a society) have to foot the bill. Can you imagine the cost to taxpayer if that would be an option? Plenty of men would just declare 'I don't want a child' and pass the responsibility to others.

Mums are entitled to benefits even if the dad does pay

Mediocrates · 23/02/2022 19:44

@ABCDEF1234

Completely agree op. I think this forum is unbelievably biased towards women. Should the man be able to dictate an abortion, no. Should a man be able to walk away with no responsibility for a child he said he didn't want, yes. Just like how if the woman didn't want a child she could have an abortion. Yes a man can "abstein from sex" or wear a condom to avoid a pregenancy. BUT and a massive but, a woman could do exactly the same by using the pill and absteining from sex.
So men just get to walk away and forget about it. Meanwhile, women either have to have a medical procedure to terminate the pregnancy (potentially because they're left with no choice if the man has disappeared off into the sunset, which is essentially the man having influence over the woman's bodily autonomy), or raise a child without help because she doesn't want to endure a medical procedure to terminate the pregnancy. Explain how anything about that is "equal"
blacksax · 23/02/2022 19:45

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion

I can't imagine why. Confused

There's one really simple way that men could avoid this little problem. If they don't want a baby, they need to take responsibility for where they leave their sperm.

Allsorts1 · 23/02/2022 19:46

@pollypokcet abandoning a 6 year old is NOT the same as being very clear at conception that you don’t want a pregnancy to proceed and if it does you won’t be involved in the child’s life.

I would never advocate or support abandoning a child that is already here, and that is also not what the OP is saying! Hmm

Ori18 · 23/02/2022 19:46

Lol at the black & white “we’ll if he doesn’t want a baby he can abstain from sex” comments. Like, WTF? Would this same advice apply so brutally to women, or would they be encouraged to make an informed choice about their contraceptive options???!!

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 23/02/2022 19:47

So how many posters saying if he doesn't want a baby he shouldn't have sex have only had sex when actively TTC?

TheWeeDonkey · 23/02/2022 19:47

I think a lot of the MRAs on this thread don't realise that having an abortion is a conscious decision that a woman has to live with. Its not like having your wisdom teeth removed.

Its sad that some men have become so combative in life that they even extend that to the women they are in relationships with or want to have sex with. Its a sad way to live.

Maybe they need to reassess their own attitudes towards women before commiting to heterosexual sex and treat it as a human connection rather than a bodily function that its obvious from the comments that so many people see it to be.

pollypokcet · 23/02/2022 19:47

[quote Allsorts1]@pollypokcet abandoning a 6 year old is NOT the same as being very clear at conception that you don’t want a pregnancy to proceed and if it does you won’t be involved in the child’s life.

I would never advocate or support abandoning a child that is already here, and that is also not what the OP is saying! Hmm[/quote]

Yeah, so they can pay up then. We agree.

Clymene · 23/02/2022 19:47

Is there a magic point at which a man can decide he doesn't want a baby? Signs a form or something? Lots of men decide they don't actually want to be a dad once the baby is born. Or when they're 2, 6, 10.

Did you have a cut off in mind? Is it at the point the baby is born perhaps? After all she could be a lying bitch up until that point. And then once the baby is born, is it up to the mother to evidence that actually her boyfriend said he did want the baby but now it's here, has changed his mind?

Your idea is shit.

Anythingbutsnow · 23/02/2022 19:47

I think could be why the old fashioned, religious principle of waiting until marriage before sex wasn't a bad one. It sure prevented alot of problems.

Pumperthepumper · 23/02/2022 19:48

[quote Allsorts1]@pollypokcet abandoning a 6 year old is NOT the same as being very clear at conception that you don’t want a pregnancy to proceed and if it does you won’t be involved in the child’s life.

I would never advocate or support abandoning a child that is already here, and that is also not what the OP is saying! Hmm[/quote]
So the six year old is worth more than the baby?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/02/2022 19:48

Lots of Men walk away from having a baby (or opt out as you say OP), I think what your implying is that men shouldn't have to fund a baby if they decide they dont want to be involved.

Thankfully we put the needs of the child, who has no input into what kind of man their father is, first.

If men don't want to support children they need to take responsibility for not creating them.

CaptSkippy · 23/02/2022 19:49

@Ori18

Lol at the black & white “we’ll if he doesn’t want a baby he can abstain from sex” comments. Like, WTF? Would this same advice apply so brutally to women, or would they be encouraged to make an informed choice about their contraceptive options???!!
More and more women are already abstaining from sex because they don't trust men to respect their boundaries anymore.
affairsofdragons · 23/02/2022 19:51

@GlitchStitch

The amount of posters who would happily condemn a child to poverty so that men can have consequence free sex is really grim.
It really is.
Terfydactyl · 23/02/2022 19:53

@user57639206

I think you're missing the point.

A woman gets pregnant : she doesn't want the pregnancy, she aborts. No one's calling her a arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

A woman gets pregnant : she wants to continue the pregnancy, the man doesn't and wants to walk away. He's called an arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

I AGREE it's a woman's right to do whatever the hell she wants to do with her body, I've done it twice! Once for medical reasons and the other because I just wasn't ready. But why can a man not have the same rights?

And as for saying he should wrap it up, or not have sex. Do you say the same about women who have unplanned pregnancies? That's it's their fault for having sex in the first place and they should have used all the contraception? Pretty sure that's a no.

You think women face no stigma after a termination at any stage? You like living in cloud cuckoo land? You never seen the protests outside clinics? You got your head in the cloud when this is endlessly discussed ( by men obviously) about if we should even be allowed terminations for any reason, or simply not allowed them.

The way to solve this for men, is they take care of their own sperm until they want a child. Wether that's condom, double condom, abstain, vasectomy is not womens problem.
Then there will be no unwanted pregnancies on either side.

13yearslater · 23/02/2022 19:56

Women CAN walk away. And many more of us SHOULD.

But a patriarchal society is still driving the narrative that women are the only sex able to raise and suckle a baby.

Antedeluvian rubbish.

It's driven entirely by money like everything else. A man can walk away and pay zero. Forever. Really easily. This keeps women in chains.

Women need creches at work, free childcare, good transport networks, free tampons, regulations for operating during menstruation, safe rooms for women feeling or being abused,

Ultimately, women need to stop having children. It's having children that have screwed us over and keeps us in the dark ages.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 23/02/2022 19:57

I get your point OP.

Woman have the choice to end a pregnancy if they don't want a baby, whereas men don’t.

But I also agree that men know that when they have sex with a woman conception can occur and that they will have no control over what choices the woman may make.

Theunamedcat · 23/02/2022 19:57

@Anythingbutsnow

I think could be why the old fashioned, religious principle of waiting until marriage before sex wasn't a bad one. It sure prevented alot of problems.
I'm divorced and raising children alone so I don't think marriage is a solution
justustwoandmoo · 23/02/2022 19:57

I agree with you OP. A friend of mine made it v v clear that he didn't want a child and was told that she was on the pill. He even offered to used a condom on top of that but she insisted no. She wasn't on the pill but was desperate for a baby. He was devastated. She totally took advantage of him. How is that even remotely fair??

He's now paying maintenance and standing by his responsibilities but it's been a massive blow for him as he can't do any of the travel etc that he wanted do.

The mind boggles...

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/02/2022 19:58

@Ori18

Lol at the black & white “we’ll if he doesn’t want a baby he can abstain from sex” comments. Like, WTF? Would this same advice apply so brutally to women, or would they be encouraged to make an informed choice about their contraceptive options???!!

Women can never walk away from the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy in the same way men do. It's a plain fact of biology than men and women have very different options and decision making paths when deciding to have PIV sex.