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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old with a mobile phone - wwyd

104 replies

Crayzeefrog · 23/02/2022 01:55

So I don’t want to say who I am in this just yet. Parent 1 thinks DD should have free access to her mobile phone and checking up on what she does online would be showing that she isn’t trusted. Parent 2 thinks some kind of agreement that DD’s phone will be checked at regular intervals should be in place or that the phone should be checked regularly anyway as dd might delete things.

DD isn’t particularly open with either parent and is adamant that she isn’t into boys yet but her friends have hinted otherwise. She has been caught out in some silly lies.

OP posts:
Shainago · 23/02/2022 02:03

I think that at that age, supervision is important. You can trust her, but she's still very young and you don't know what strangers online can be up to.

I started going online unsupervised very young, 9 years old. And what I came across sometimes was no good.

stopthepain · 23/02/2022 05:40

I think you should trust her, but you need to be careful about which apps she downloads. She may need more education on how to stay safe online (and also consent/peer pressure in real life). Is there a reason why she isn’t open with either of you and lies?

SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder · 23/02/2022 05:51

To be completely blunt I think it's irresponsible to give an 11 year old a mobile and not monitor it in some way. I would never do it sneakily, I would make the child aware that their phone can and will be checked at anytime along with an honest discussion of why - to protect them. As they get older and have shown that they can keep themselves safe online I would lessen the checks. It's not about how much you do or don't trust the child, with a mobile comes unfiltered access to a lot of adult and inappropriate content regardless of whether or not they are actively looking for it. Having worked in secure children's homes with children who had been groomed or bordering on criminal activity, too many of their parents had no idea what was going on in part because they didn't do simple safeguarding like monitoring phone use.

RantyAunty · 23/02/2022 05:59

Parent needs to realise it has nothing to do with trust but protecting a child from predators.

11 year olds don't have the maturity, judgement, experience to be online without supervision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2022 06:13

Does parent 1 want their dd to be abused? Or to do something stupid and perhaps irreversible?

Eleven year olds are not best at judging situations. They’re like headless chickens. Of course the phone should be monitored. Especially a child, who has already proved themselves not trustworthy.

My dd is 13. I don’t tend to really look often these days, but she is pretty sensible, doesn’t get into arguments and is very open with me.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 23/02/2022 06:16

An 11 year old should not have free access to the Internet.

Oldtiredfedup · 23/02/2022 06:20

I’d either be using Screen time if it’s an apple product or a third party app to control and monitor phone and app usage

Bromse · 23/02/2022 06:21

I think an old fashioned 'phone, rather like my Nokia, would be more suitable for a child than a smart phone, if they really need one. There is no internet access or downloading of apps on it but it is fine for making and receiving calls or texts.

Clymene · 23/02/2022 06:30

It's negligent to give a child a mobile and not check what they're up to online. Same as you wouldn't (I hope) give them unfettered access to the internet on their computer

TattiePants · 23/02/2022 06:50

Absolutely check it regularly, it’s very irresponsible to give young children unchecked access to the internet. Both DCs got a phone for their 11th birthday in readiness for starting secondary school on the understanding that we have access to it whenever we want to.

Last year we stopped checking 15 year old’s phone - not intentionally but with lockdown, home schooling, jobs etc we completely dropped the ball - until we discovered by accident that he had been getting groomed online for the last 4 months. Fortunately he hadn’t shared naked pictures etc but had inadvertently shared our address. It’s had a massive effect on his mental health, plus police involvement all of which could have been avoided if we’d been more vigilant.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/02/2022 07:38

Parent one is irresponsible.

Bagelsandbrie · 23/02/2022 07:44

We checked our dds phone regularly at that age. She knew we did. And as she got older we checked less and less and made it clear that if she could show we could trust her we would give her more freedoms etc. Be aware though that they’re clever and probably know more about tech than we could ever could so they find apps and ways around things! To some extent you do have to trust them and just hope you’ve done enough of a good job that they know how to behave online and protect themselves - but at 11 they need supervising.

NeverNina · 23/02/2022 07:47

@Clymene

It's negligent to give a child a mobile and not check what they're up to online. Same as you wouldn't (I hope) give them unfettered access to the internet on their computer
This. OP have you actually seen the stuff 11 year olds post to their friends? It's not for the faint hearted. And it's not just about boys, your dd could be cyber bullying others without perceiving it as such or she could be bullied. She could access inappropriate content, just why you won't monitor her use I don't know.
xxxsuper · 23/02/2022 07:49

I think an 11 year old doesn't need online access at all.

Porcupineintherough · 23/02/2022 07:50

@Clymene

It's negligent to give a child a mobile and not check what they're up to online. Same as you wouldn't (I hope) give them unfettered access to the internet on their computer
^^ This. It's really not on to abdicate your responsibility to help keep your child safe at 11.
TeenPlusCat · 23/02/2022 07:51

Parent 1 is being totally and utterly irresponsible.

TeenPlusCat · 23/02/2022 07:55

To clarify why Parent 1 is irresponsible:

  • accessing inappropriate content
  • posting inappropriate photos
  • being groomed
  • being bullied by peers
  • bullying peers (whether on purpose or accidental)
TulipsTwoLips · 23/02/2022 07:56

At a college near me the police do a safeguarding 'stranger danger' type day for local year sixes. Right at the end of the day having been through all the activities and being adamant that they would know what to do, a stranger approaches them in groups, not in uniform or anything, and tells them to come with him. They usually all do 😢.

Bagelsandbrie · 23/02/2022 07:59

@xxxsuper

I think an 11 year old doesn't need online access at all.
Then you’re deluded and out of date. Sorry but of course they do. It’s how their generation communicates, and how their world functions - school, fun, educational stuff etc. Of course it should be balanced with real life activities but they do need online access.
FlamingoDust · 23/02/2022 08:00

Parent 1 is completely irresponsible.
Parent 2 is correct.
Phones should be able to be checked at all times at that age , also boundaries set on apps allowed etc.

TeenPlusCat · 23/02/2022 08:02

@TulipsTwoLips

At a college near me the police do a safeguarding 'stranger danger' type day for local year sixes. Right at the end of the day having been through all the activities and being adamant that they would know what to do, a stranger approaches them in groups, not in uniform or anything, and tells them to come with him. They usually all do 😢.
There is such a difference between 'knowing what to do' and doing the right thing in the split instance you do things.
SprigofSage · 23/02/2022 08:03

So glad to see these responses, I work in a secondary school and you would just not believe the filth kids send to each other - even the most cherubic ones are on forums/groups/chats with the most horrific content even if they are not posting themselves. And that's just the kids!

Not to mention the grooming and opportunity for abuse or bullying.

I can't stress enough that at that age they need a phone with restricted internet access, it must be put away in the kitchen or wherever overnight, and checked regularly without warning.

It's not about trust. Even the nicest pre-teen/teens can be idiotic and have baffling motivations that their adult guardians could never have predicted!

Trying2310 · 23/02/2022 08:03

My 11 Yr old phone is controlled by mine. It locks at 7.30pm and he can't access it until the next morning. I control all his app downloads and we do a daily check on the phone. He knows I read his messages and check photos. Despite this, he has already made some poor decisions when sending messages and this is because he is still quite young and immature for the responsibility of a phone. It is my job to monitor this and guide him on how to use it properly. Parent 2 is the responsible one.

TulipsTwoLips · 23/02/2022 08:05

@TeenPlusCat

There is such a difference between 'knowing what to do' and doing the right thing in the split instance you do things.

Exactly!

whysoserious123 · 23/02/2022 08:11

Phone is to be left I charge downstairs at bedtime. You can check the phone discretely then. DD is safely monitors without letting her know she is being monitored and DD will believe trust is there. Plus if she doesn't think she is being monitored then she won't be as likely to be deleting things so you will have a true look at what is being said on her phone

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