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AIBU?

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Original poster

11 year old with a mobile phone - wwyd

104 replies

Crayzeefrog · 23/02/2022 01:55

So I don’t want to say who I am in this just yet. Parent 1 thinks DD should have free access to her mobile phone and checking up on what she does online would be showing that she isn’t trusted. Parent 2 thinks some kind of agreement that DD’s phone will be checked at regular intervals should be in place or that the phone should be checked regularly anyway as dd might delete things.

DD isn’t particularly open with either parent and is adamant that she isn’t into boys yet but her friends have hinted otherwise. She has been caught out in some silly lies.

OP posts:
SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 09:10

Judging by how nasty some adults get on mumsnet I wouldn't trust an 11 year old with the internet

maz210 · 23/02/2022 09:11

I definitely checked my children's phones regularly at that age.

I still do an occasional check now and they are 13 and 14.

It's not about invading their privacy, it's about keeping them safe. I've no interest in their personal conversations with friends etc, I just want to make sure they're only talking to their actual school friends and not random strangers.

Both my kids are pretty sensible and I will probably stop checking up on them soon - however at 11 they definitely still need the adults in their life to look out for them.

forlornlorna · 23/02/2022 09:12

@RantyAunty

Parent needs to realise it has nothing to do with trust but protecting a child from predators.

11 year olds don't have the maturity, judgement, experience to be online without supervision.

This with bells on
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/02/2022 09:12

xxxsuper

Then you’re deluded and out of date. Sorry but of course they do. It’s how their generation communicates, and how their world functions - school, fun, educational stuff etc. Of course it should be balanced with real life activities but they do need online access.“

Nonsense. This is what people tell themselves when they can’t be bothered/don’t know how to monitor.

Parental controls should be activated, at the very least.

Rainallnight · 23/02/2022 09:13

I heard good advice once to treat online stuff like real life stuff when making decisions for kids. Would you let your 11 year old child go off somewhere you didn’t know, with no adult supervision, where they could meet and converse with anyone they came across?

You wouldn’t. So don’t do it online either.

LondonQueen · 23/02/2022 09:13

It's not her you can't trust it's everyone else is what you tell her. I recently saw a facebook post from the mum of a boy in my local area who was being bullied online through snapchat. You really need to check these things.

Onlyforcake · 23/02/2022 09:14

If she can't be trusted then she isn't ready yet. Get a calls only one for emergencies.

cookiemonster2468 · 23/02/2022 09:14

@Ohmybod

A phone is not like a diary. It’s a piece of technology that gives access to all kinds of worlds your DD will in inexperienced in. I’d explain this to DD and monitor.
Agree with this.

At 11 they do need to be supervised.

So many children and young people are groomed and exploited online and parents don't always realise just how commonplace it is. I work with young people and I see it more and more, it has increased even since 2020, it's on the rise.

Digital safeguarding is really important and is your responsibility as a parent. 11 is still so young. If they were 16/17 I might think differently but 11 is a baby in terms of understanding digital safety.

You also need to gradually educate them about these things as they go through their teens - there are lots of good resources online - google digital safeguarding for teenagers.

SartresSoul · 23/02/2022 09:15

I check my DC’s phones once a week. 12 year old DS basically never messages anyone even if they message him, he just doesn’t bother replying. He only seems to use it to listen to music and play games. 10 (almost 11) year old DD is totally different and she uses it to contact friends endlessly. Read a few inappropriate messages from friends to her but she seems sensible in response, we’ve had discussions about the content.

forlornlorna · 23/02/2022 09:16

My dd is 13 and has only had access to a phone since her bday. She has mental health problems and is ASD so can be quite vulnerable. She's been desperate for Instagram to follow artists she's interested in. I I made her an account, on my phone, and had a look for a few days myself before making a decision. 3 days and 5 cock pics later she doesn't have Instagram!

axolotlfloof · 23/02/2022 09:16

You can trust your child, but not trust random predators on the Internet.
It's about protecting your child and not about trust.

FYI I haven't looked at my 14 y o phone for a long time, and don't feel I need to (although if his behaviour changed I might).
I did check it when he was 11 though, and still look at my 12 y o occasionally.

xxxsuper · 23/02/2022 09:17

@Onlyforcake

If she can't be trusted then she isn't ready yet. Get a calls only one for emergencies.

I consider myself, as a mid 40s adult, someone who 'can be trusted' yet I have seen all sorts in my phone, without looking for it. Let's not go blaming and shaming an 11 year old as if it's an issue of trust.

Mamamia7962 · 23/02/2022 09:18

I think it should be illegal for children under the age of 16 to have a phone with internet access. They don't need the internet on their phones at that age.

Flamingpantoufles · 23/02/2022 09:24

Definitely some supervision at that age.

axolotlfloof · 23/02/2022 09:29

@Mamamia7962

I think it should be illegal for children under the age of 16 to have a phone with internet access. They don't need the internet on their phones at that age.
The Internet is incredibly useful though. DS drop pins me his location when he needs a lift (twice this has been when he has got a puncture on his bike and walked from the cycle path to the nearest road). Or to access information when out and about.
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 23/02/2022 09:33

At 11, my daughters phone was kept downstairs at night and she was aware that we were allowed to check it at any time.

If you and her both have Android phone, Google provide good tools for approving app downloads, monitoring time spend on apps etc. Also allows you to track her phones location

Toocooltoboogie · 23/02/2022 09:37

Checking mobile phone hands down. 11 yrs old I'd too young to navigate social media without boundaries and monitoring. It helps them learn how to use it safely. My kids know I will be checking I've always told them will be. It's just how it is and the clause that allows them to have one.

MadeForThis · 23/02/2022 09:42

Parent 1 wants to be their friend. They need to be their parent first.

IceBlock · 23/02/2022 09:48

My children had phones that birthday before they went to secondary. They know the rules; it charges in parents room overnight and parents need to know PIN/passwords. Everything can and will be checked sporadically (no set days as that allows for hiding things etc..)

May sound OTT but its my job to protect them and look after them.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/02/2022 09:52

When mine turned 11 and got their phones, the agreement was that a) there were parental controls on there; b) I had full access should I ask. If they refused, then they would lose that privilege.

It’s not been a problem, they accepted that, and at 13 they’re still happy for the parental controls to be on there (mainly for time else they’d watch Netflix from dawn till dusk!).

I think it’s irresponsible bordering on negligent to allow a child of that age unfettered access.

Smartiepants79 · 23/02/2022 09:52

My 11 year old has her phone on the understanding that I can check as often as I please.
It is also set up so the she cannot download any new apps without permission.
I look at it several times a week.
I do trust her, she’s a good kid but she is a kid. She doesn’t always understand the consequences and ramifications of things and so will not always get it right.
My biggest issue with her is the stuff from other 11 year olds! Presumably the ones who’s parents don’t keep track of their Children’s online activities…..

skyeisthelimit · 23/02/2022 10:04

Parent 1 is wrong. It isn't about trust, it's about safeguarding, and all parental advice is that you should check your child's phone and limit access/followers etc.

DD's first phone was a Monqui that I got on a free trial on MN. It was great as I had to approve all apps and add contacts and it tracked her. She was around 10 at the time. She now has a cheap iphone with a £10 sim.

I know of a local case that went to court where a 12yo girl was groomed by a 21yo man. He ended up on the sex offenders register and the girl went through hell. Her parents found out when they checked her phone usage and were horrified to find obscene messages and photos.

DD has a friend, 13yo, who will stay up til 3am editing stuff on her phone. Her parents only discovered that when they checked her phone usage after she was tired all the time.

I don't read DD's messages with her friends, but I do check who she is following and who follows her. She has had messages from older men.

There are girls in her year, 13yo and posing in their underwear asking for "likes" and ratings by boys. Their parents don't know as they never check their phones. I do not want my daughter doing that.

Any sensible parent would check the phone's content every now and then and also have "Find my iphone" or similar enabled so that you can track them if you need to when they are away from home.

This link has lots of useful advice:

www.internetmatters.org/

maddening · 23/02/2022 10:07

Whilst she could argue that you should trust her to do the right thing, what am 11 year old perception of "the right thing" is can be twisted and manipulated by peers and predatory people who access her via her phone, it is not about believing her to be bad, it is about ensuring that she is safe and not being led into something out of her depth.

Soontobe60 · 23/02/2022 10:09

@RantyAunty

Parent needs to realise it has nothing to do with trust but protecting a child from predators.

11 year olds don't have the maturity, judgement, experience to be online without supervision.

This completely.

Maybe show the parent who doesn’t seem to bother what their child may be exposed to online a few of the more explicit TicTok videos doing the rounds.

Hb12 · 23/02/2022 10:09

My 11 year old has a phone. She can't download apps without our approval, has time allowances and we have to know her password.

I check it regularly to see what is going on. She's not allowed any social media but does have WhatsApp.