11 year old with a mobile phone - wwyd

[Crayzeefrog]

So I don’t want to say who I am in this just yet. Parent 1 thinks DD should have free access to her mobile phone and checking up on what she does online would be showing that she isn’t trusted. Parent 2 thinks some kind of agreement that DD’s phone will be checked at regular intervals should be in place or that the phone should be checked regularly anyway as dd might delete things.

DD isn’t particularly open with either parent and is adamant that she isn’t into boys yet but her friends have hinted otherwise. She has been caught out in some silly lies.

My 11 yo has recently got a phone. Being y6, he has little cause to use it yet, but that will change soon enough.

I veto the apps that go on.
DH and I have access to it.
We've been clear from the outset that we will monitor it, not through a lack of trust in him, but because other people do daft/ stupid things.

Since he started using computers/ youtube etc we've reinforced to tell us if he sees something upsetting/ distressing. Even if he makes a daft decision, it's better that he comes to us than to carry on alone.

In general life, when the DCs have done something daft, they've always been praised for confessing so we can sort things out, because I want that safe place culture established.

i think phones should be checked thoroughly until age 14, at 14 i think privacy is important but under that and they should be supervised and tought well

One of DD’s friends was groomed online at 13 and ended up meeting up with an older man (20+). Parents don’t monitor the phone at all. This friend comes across as very streetwise but the parents were complacent.

The child is 11 still a child. I wouldn't even let my kids have a phone at that age . But yes would definitely keep checking. It's not just about grooming . It's the things they could be looking up like porn. Also bullying, inappropriate message etc.

Patent 1 all the way

my DH thought we should trust our kids from secondary school. I had a strong bunch I needed to check once and not only was it shocking but police and school safeguarding team ended up involved. My 11 year old was being sent and asked to send explicit videos. My husband identified one of the sender's as the newly elected headboy 4/5 years older than her. Please check.

It won't just be the nebulous predator you need to worry about.
Children are not mature enough to see that things they do now can have lasting consequences. Bullying is rife in class message groups at this age.

Then you’re deluded and out of date. Sorry but of course they do. It’s how their generation communicates, and how their world functions - school, fun, educational stuff etc. Of course it should be balanced with real life activities but they do need online access.

Deluded for suggesting an 11 year old doesn't need online access

We were, in the context of the OP, talking about unsupervised access here; not online 'activities'

I'm definitely not out of date, having my own 11 year old who functions absolutely fine without unsupervised access to the internet.

@whysoserious123 I do understand why you want to avoid the possibility of them deleting apps and messages before you see them, but the problem you might run into is that if you see something really inappropriate, you'll have to address it with your DD. That will mean telling her you've been looking at her phone without her knowing, and then it'll make things harder going forward, as she will feel snooped on and not trusted.

I think if possible the best approach is to openly tell them you'll be monitoring their phone and also put some filtering and monitoring software on. Some of these will either record anything deleted, or not allow deletions.

OP, just to echo the rest of the thread, Parent 1 is being negligent. While teens and pre-teens are entitled to a growing amount of privacy, they are also entitled to good guidance on how to navigate new and difficult situations and the minefield that is the internet, social media and messaging.

@Trying2310 - would you be kind enough to share what you use on the phone to monitor it? We're on a huge clamp-down for a slightly older child and out of depth with the best way to monitor things.

OP: it's a huge risk - don't under-estimate it and don't assume your child won't be one of the ones to use it in a way you really don't want. It's far too easy for them to go down a rabbit hole and most simply find it impossible to regulate their usage.

Since he started using computers/ youtube etc we've reinforced to tell us if he sees something upsetting/ distressing.

In hindsight of my own experience where ds, I would expand that to explain what sort of things he needs to tell you about that he personally might not find upsetting/distressing, but needs to be discussed/reported.

For example, being immature, he might not find the a picture of a fellow student being ridiculed distressing, being detached from the context of the incident as a picture/video he might even find it funny not realising it could be bullying and having a huge impact on the victim.

@Bloballbovish
If there's anything wildly inappropriate which there likely won't be aslong as OP explain what is and what isn't appropriate and the dangers of people contacting her DD Via apps etc then the phone goes. Really wouldn't wouldn't worry about if there's no trust then. Just gave my opinion as someone who was 11 not long ago

@whysoserious123

Phone is to be left I charge downstairs at bedtime. You can check the phone discretely then. DD is safely monitors without letting her know she is being monitored and DD will believe trust is there. Plus if she doesn't think she is being monitored then she won't be as likely to be deleting things so you will have a true look at what is being said on her phone

This seems a good idea. Also finding something after it's happened isn't as helpful as educating them properly so it can be prevented from happening.

I monitor my children’s phones without warning. They both know I’ll do this and it’s a condition of having the phone. Nothing to do with ‘trust’. I trust my 12yo dd to 95% of the time make good and safe choices but she occasionally gets it wrong - she’s 12. She needs supervision. I think anyone who doesn’t monitor their children’s phone is irresponsible. So I’m with parent 2.

My DDs phone is controlled by my phone, she can only download apps I approve and she has no internet access on the device.
It’s only used for communication and nothing else, an 11 year old should definitely not have free reign on a phone, does the other parent not understand the risk of grooming/inappropriate content etc?

@GU24Mum I use Google family link app and find it really useful. You can control apps downloaded so the child needs parent to input password to download. You can set time limits for each app. We also limit phone usage to 2 hours a day and the phone automatically locks once the limit is up. It also tracks the phone for when he is out and about. At the moment he is not overly tech savy so has not worked put how to bypass any controls so it is working great for us.

@Bromse

I think an old fashioned 'phone, rather like my Nokia, would be more suitable for a child than a smart phone, if they really need one. There is no internet access or downloading of apps on it but it is fine for making and receiving calls or texts.

I agree. My children aren't old enough yet but when they are I don't plan to give them a phone with internet access.

It’s madness to give an 11 year old unfettered access to online content - they’re still developing the maturity to deal with challenges and there are so many pitfalls in social media and online content generally.

They need to know their boundaries and that those boundaries are checked and reinforced. To trust an 11 year old with their online activity is ridiculous, they’re still learning and frankly if they get it wrong, mistakes can have devastating, life long consequences, by which time it’s too late.

Nope they need guidance, boundaries and role modelling in how to safely navigate the online world. Why on earth would you just leave them to it? Parent A sounds negligent to me.

Phone is to be left I charge downstairs at bedtime. You can check the phone discretely then. DD is safely monitors without letting her know she is being monitored and DD will believe trust is there.

Yep, because trust between parent and child is built by the parent lying to the child, letting her think it’s not being monitored? I have no problem with my 10 year old knowing there are areas of her life I watch over - regardless of whether I trust her, it’s a recognition that it’s my job to protect her and there are risks online she isn’t skilled enough to deal with yet. I can trust her all the day long but I know too well how skilled abusers are at grooming kids online and how easy it is to come across hard pornography even if she isn’t looking for it.

A phone is not like a diary. It’s a piece of technology that gives access to all kinds of worlds your DD will in inexperienced in. I’d explain this to DD and monitor.

I would absolutely check the phone. It's the parents job to keep children safe with technology. I have an 11 year old as well whose not long had a phone. He knows we check it every so often. Honestly kids can get themselves into all sorts of messes on phones without proper guidance.

I think it’s fine to check a phone at that age. There should be nothing that a child is doing
at that age that would matter if a parent knows and at 11 you should pretty much know everything. If there’s any chat about boys/girls, should all be very innocent, so if god forbid it isn’t, parents need to be aware. It’s not necessarily about trust, it’s about children aged 11 not always recognising if they’re being taken advantage of or groomed.

Over the next years they get better at recognising those behaviours. I think giving them privacy kicks in around 14/15. They may talk to their friends or have boyfriends/girlfriends and say things to them that there’s no harm in, but that parents/carers don’t need to know. At that age, unless you had specific concerns, I wouldn’t check their phones.

I don’t think I checked my kids phones other than a couple of times at 11/12. But if I thought they were at risk, I’d have checked them at 17 to be honest.

@whysoserious123

Phone is to be left I charge downstairs at bedtime. You can check the phone discretely then. DD is safely monitors without letting her know she is being monitored and DD will believe trust is there. Plus if she doesn't think she is being monitored then she won't be as likely to be deleting things so you will have a true look at what is being said on her phone

This will work wonderfully until such point you discover something inappropriate on the phone and approach child and it all goes nuclear….never to be trusted again.

Good luck with that.

Completely naive to leave them to it and rely on trust. This isn't about trust. It's about online safety. Still a child who needs parental protection. You would do it in every other aspect of their life so why not online??