11 year old with a mobile phone - wwyd

[Crayzeefrog]

So I don’t want to say who I am in this just yet. Parent 1 thinks DD should have free access to her mobile phone and checking up on what she does online would be showing that she isn’t trusted. Parent 2 thinks some kind of agreement that DD’s phone will be checked at regular intervals should be in place or that the phone should be checked regularly anyway as dd might delete things.

DD isn’t particularly open with either parent and is adamant that she isn’t into boys yet but her friends have hinted otherwise. She has been caught out in some silly lies.

We randomly monitor our sons phone, and he knows and accepts this is a condition of him having it, and understands it is to keep him safe.

We have so far have to alert school to safeguarding concerns of a threat made to bring a knife into school from his class whatsapp. So he completely understands and supports why we need to monitor to help keep a bunch of kids safe in a digital environment that they are learning to navigate.

@Smartiepants79

My 11 year old has her phone on the understanding that I can check as often as I please. It is also set up so the she cannot download any new apps without permission. I look at it several times a week. I do trust her, she’s a good kid but she is a kid. She doesn’t always understand the consequences and ramifications of things and so will not always get it right. My biggest issue with her is the stuff from other 11 year olds! Presumably the ones who’s parents don’t keep track of their Children’s online activities…..

This is pretty much how I deal with my 11yo having a phone. We've also had a lot of conversations about online safety, predators, grooming etc and she knows to come to me if she's concerned about any messages or interactions that flag up to her as being inappropriate.

@Hb12

My 11 year old has a phone. She can't download apps without our approval, has time allowances and we have to know her password.

I check it regularly to see what is going on. She's not allowed any social media but does have WhatsApp.

This is the same with my 11 year old son. He is well aware his phone came with rules, the main being I can check it when I want. He'a had a few random texts from Dominos etc and calls, I'm guessing the person whose number it was before keeps using it still. He always tells me and I sort it. I wouldn't give him a phone and not monitor it, he's still young.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

Why on earth would you not get your child a fresh SIM card with a new number? If someone can use the number for dominoes they can use it for anything- this is so dangerous

DD is 14 and we started to do spot checks only instead of regular ones. The same with her laptop browsing history.

They are children, not adults. You are the parent, not a friend and respect has to be earned regarding this. I am not interested in what she texts her friends or how many selfies she takes but there is a need to monitor. We had huge issues with misunderstood texts causing months of friendship trouble.

We know her passwords and she knows we check when we want.

A simple phone/text mobile is just not cutting it, for lots of activiteis they need a smartphone. DD needs maps, bus time tables, reads the news, has apps for her school visual art lessons, music for dance practice. Old style texting is something noone does anymore. She has chat groups for various out of school activities to coordinate things and she use it for homework and school information.

Her phone is linked to DH's app store so she can't download anything without us approving.

Oh and also important, no electronics in the bedroom after bedtime. I am astonished how long her phone buzzes with incoming messages late in the evening when most adults go to bed.

Monitoring necessary. That was the deal when DS2 got his phone. I have a tracking app on it, so I know where he is (his school is quite a long way away) and I can check his phone messages etc.

Definitely agree with parent 2. My son is 14 and I still check, but less frequently. I used to use the parental control app which came with the phone but I think this automatically switched off at 13. Frequent checks are how I discovered that he was claiming to be having sex with his secret girlfriend at 11 and that she was offering to send half naked photos of herself to a few of the boys. And that she was self harming. All of which was reported to the school.

I have recently downloaded the qustodio app which allows me to monitor general phone usage and restrict things. I don't actually restrict apps anymore but his phone stays downstairs overnight. I have blocked specific websites which he was using to look at porn. I don't tend to look so much into his conversations anymore because I think he deserves some privacy but I he usually tells me when he's had an argument with someone and either been upset by them or worried that he'll be in trouble for upsetting them.

I had hoped that I'd be able to stop regularly checking by now but he is a few years behind his peers (only just beginning puberty due to a medical condition) and bad choices and teenage behaviour are really ramping up at the moment so I think the supervision is really needed right now.

It also tells me where he is so I can see where he is if late and not answering the phone. This is especially helpful as we live in a rough area and I worry when he's late home/not answering his phone. I believe it also has a panic button type thing so he can instantly alert a few people if something is wrong.

Monitoring now is better than dealing with the fallout later

I am nowhere near teenage years yet but my approach would be an upfront agreement that they can only have a mobile if it is regularly checked/monitored/controlled by parents.

I don't think sneakily checking is a good way to build up trust with a child.

No way would they have unmonitored access. There has been a lot of discussion recently about how easy it is for children to access hardcore porn online. Whilst discussing this on Radio 2 they talked about a 13 year old boy who had raped a similarly aged girl at school. He was asked why he didn't stop when she was crying. His response was that he thought all girls cried during sex (because of the kind of porn he'd seen).

They also talked about young girls often being terrified of sex because they had seen similar videos.

It chilled me to my core. I was previously completely naive about how exposure to porn at a young age could completely warp a young persons perception of sex.

Bear in mind that even if you could be 100% sure that your child was acting safely (which you can't), you have exactly zero control over the videos etc that her friends send her. If you know she's been exposed to something scary or inappropriate you can at least discuss it with her and help her understand it (rather than hoping she might approach you).

This shouldn't even be a question. It is not about trust. This is a child! You are responsible for that child's safety and that includes online surely. It is sensible to check regularly at that age, not because you don't trust her but because she is a child and you are a responsible adult.

It's like how you wouldn't leave a 5 year old alone with scissors

Just wanted to say it's not just about making sure they are staying safe online, checking DSs phone meant that I was able to intervene when he got out of his depth trying to support a school friend who was talking about taking their own life. Sometimes kids don't believe adults can do things to help.

11 is too young to have unrestricted access to the internet and social media. It's not about not trusting my child - it's about not trusting the cesspit that is the internet!

My child is 11 and got their first phone at Christmas. I have family link installed on it, which means I have to approve all app downloads and web page visits. They also know that I will read WhatsApp etc whenever I want to.

I think this is important because the way that children this age talk to each other in messages can be questionable as they are just learning social etiquette. The class WhatsApp group has been an eye-opener! It's meant we've had lots of talks about why it might not be a good idea to say certain things or how what someone has written might unintentionally upset someone else.

I plan to slowly back away and give more access to things as they get older and I feel they can navigate it themselves.

Of course you monitor them. You wouldn’t let a child of that age wander the streets alone late at night, why would you let them do the equivalent online? It’s not about trust. It’s about parenting your child and keeping them safe online until they are mature enough to do it for themselves.

@Jellycatspyjamas @Ohmybod

If there's anything wildly inappropriate which there likely won't be aslong as OP explain what is and what isn't appropriate and the dangers of people contacting her DD Via apps etc then the phone goes. Really wouldn't wouldn't worry about if there's no trust then. Just gave my opinion as someone who was 11 not long ago

My DS turns 11 next week and I’m reluctantly letting him have a phone ready for high school in September.
I was thinking of giving him my old iPhone 11, but I think it might be too big. Is the iPhone 11 suitable for that age group? I’ve looked at smaller ones that seem a bit more practical so I don’t know what to do.

@funinthesun19

My DS turns 11 next week and I’m reluctantly letting him have a phone ready for high school in September. I was thinking of giving him my old iPhone 11, but I think it might be too big. Is the iPhone 11 suitable for that age group? I’ve looked at smaller ones that seem a bit more practical so I don’t know what to do.

Smaller one as easier for children to hold. I respect people saying an old Nokia or an old phone are more appropriate as they don't have internet which is so true but you know what kids are like these days if they have what everyone else has like some sort of Samsung or iPhone can open up new problems

if they DONT have what everyone else has like some sort of Samsung or iPhone can open up new problems

Ds was told when he got a phone it was mine - as I paid the bill!

So I had free access to it anytime I asked.

He accepted this.

I did do spit checks but he was totally responsible (I do an an advantage that he's autistic so won't break rules but I was worried about him being vulnerable online to others).

I don't think I've checked it since he was 15 (he's now 17). But that's because he gave me no reason to not trust him.

He has finger password access to my phone and I know the code to his. So he knows if I want to access it I can and has never been secretive.

So I think the biggest issue here for you is that one parent doesn't trust the child - and therefore right now checks need to be made to safeguard them.

After seeing how many online predators are caught by paedophile hunters each day in this country I would be checking my child's phone regularly. I have seen them catch them with 30+ children & third & fourth offenders who are already on the sex offenders register.

I had an app called Screentime both of my DSs devices and when they went into Year 7 it was put on their phones. It was the best thing ever! I could control the amount of time spent online, mostly gaming, but I could also view internet history.

Mostly I used it to lock down their phones so they did not spend half the night on their phones. I could also lock the screens if they refused to come down when dinner was ready or if they decided to spend an hour sitting in the loo with their phones. All of this was controlled by my phone. I took the app of DS1s phone when he went into Year 9, but DS2 is not very sensible so he had it on until he went into Year 10 (evil I know)

My children did not question this as they never knew any different. They were given a certain amount of time and if they wanted more they has to earn it, as you can set up tasks like tidying bedroom, emptying dishwasher etc to get extra time.

I did not think my kids should have unsupervised internet access in Years 7 and 8. But I understand that I might be in a minority here and I respect each parent to make the choice that they think is best for their children.

Once the app was removed the biggest concern to make sure they get a proper nights sleep without the distraction of their phones.

Also remember that until she reaches a certain age you as the parents will be held responsible for anything that goes wrong.
So if she get involved in things she shouldn’t then You’ll be ones dragged into school to explain it and sort it out.

Parent 1 is an idiot.

Well I just did a 20 minute browse with tik tok, Instagram and YouTube, nothing particularly dodgy in my search terms and I counted seven dodgy videos or images!! I thought I'd see what happened when I just used random search terms. God only knows what kids see even if they're trying to just to browse responsibly and if they're inquisitive, well, can't even imagine! Even if your kid is not trying to do anything wrong, the Internet is a dodgy place. It'd be crazy not to check what's she's doing if she has independent access to her phone.