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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know you are family in blood but my children don't know you

77 replies

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:28

This is incredibly specific but I am posting on the I telnet because I can't get unbiased views in real life.
I am not including back story to keep it to the facts.

nearly 8 years ago me and DH decided to cut contact with mil, this meant we were basically no contact with the entire family.

DH started contact about a year, maybe 2 ago. Calls, texts, a few in person visits and then we introduced the children, who had been born after we stopped seeing them (well eldest was a toddler, he has some memory of mil only) they met maybe 3 months ago, Possibly 4? It was before Christmas 2021 so not long at all.

Mil had been saying to the children that she wants to take them out, to hers, baby sit, sleep overs, pick them up from school yada yada, if I will let her.

She is a stranger and is coming on very strong. I realise she is probably excited and everything but I have known my husband for 10 years and haven't had contact with her for 8 of those. I don't really know her or the family but what I do know is BAD. I wouldn't have seen them every again but it's not just my choice.

I just hate her saying 'I'll pick you up from school on Friday, child I have never met before'. And then I have to say to them she can't because I know its daddies mummy but we don't know her and you have only met her today.

Seen her a few times now in person and she is becoming more persistent, speaking through the children, to me not to DH. I am not confrontational she is though so I don't know how to hold myself. I also don't thunk it's right to tell a child you have just met (and one you haven't seen since they were 2) that you will be picking them up from school and having sleep overs.

you aren't "nanny" or "granny" after an hour. I don't know how to handle this, how can you handle it?

DH isn't much help in the moment and ignores as it is directed at me. I have just been ignoring and busying myself with baby or answering phantom texts. not cool but I'm a big baby. what should I say to not cause an argument but get across the fact she is still a stranger to my children at this point.

OP posts:

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:38

oh also previous experience has proven to me that this will never be an option, so it's not just the 'they don't know you yet' argument, its the 'this is never going to be an option'.

I have said 'I don't know yet'' and tried to change the subject or bussied myself but she brought it up again a couple times saying it's to help me out.

I know I could just say no but I think it might turn into an argument, dh could say something but he hasn't and I'm just left floundering. I think he might be worried if he says no she will lose interest and he will lose his family again. Which even though was good for us at the time and I wouldn't want again for him to go back to not being a part of his family. its sad and upsetting to watch My lovely, wonderful DH just be erased. I know people spout no contact all the time but in reality it really is difficult not being a part of your own family.

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Pixiedust1234 · 23/02/2022 00:39

Sounds awful. First things I would do is

Contact school and confirm that NOBODY apart from you or your husband is authorised to take the children. Forewarn them that dps mother might try but is not allowed.
Tell the mil that if she doesn't back off a little and take things slowly you will have no option but to stop her having contact with the children.

You have a dp problem as well as a mil problem. He's created this mess by contacting her, he should be helping you to block these attempts but isn't. Ask him why and don't let him off the hook. Good luck.

MintJulia · 23/02/2022 00:41

There are two things here. Firstly, you decide who collects your children from school, no-one else. Make it clear to the school that MIL does not have authority to collect the children.

Secondly, after six years of no contact, yes, you need to get to know her before trusting her childminding skills.

I wouldn't explain to your dcs why granny can't collect them, just that you will be there as normal. But explain to MIL thank you but that you enjoy your family time together after school, like to eat together, do homework as part of a routine etc. And keep repeating.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 23/02/2022 00:45

If you're wanting to avoid confrontation just tell her the school policy means that she can't collect them or that you usually have somewhere to go straight from school. I'd head it off every time, 'thanks for the offer but no ...[whatever excuse you're going to use].' Then change the subject. Keep a subject in reserve eg 'DC sing that song you love.'

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:49

OK so I will be letting the school know just incase. Great idea thank you.

And I know I have a DH problem and he knows its a problem but he just gets a little ''dear in the headlights'' amd does what I do which is just ignore it so I can't blame him we are certainly as bad as eachother when it comes to anything confrontational.

I like the thank you but we like family time aftershock, but she's a "what about weekends?" "'what about next Tuesday at 5 o'clock" kind of person.
i can't believe I'm going through all this again, it feels very de ja vu.

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Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:50

gosh so sorry for typos. its late

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Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:51

thanks but no thanks. right. I just hope she's not on here she would definitely bring it up.

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Malibuismysecrethome · 23/02/2022 00:52

Could you and Mil not fo out together for a pizza or to the park with the DC and try and work on having a relationship. That way you can gauge her around the DC and see if it’s possible to include her.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 00:59

You (and by that I mean joint you of you and your DH) need to find your backbone to deal with this otherwise you are going to have no control over it.

You're allowing someone to build a relationship with your children and to do that safely you have to have boundaries. Agreed boundaries that your kids see you and your kids enforcing. Otherwise how do you keep your 13/14yo child going to meet Granny because they think Granny is a safe person?

Is there someone who can watch the children while you and DH speak to your DH and set boundaries?

I'd recommend that you and DH write them down. Go through it a few times and decide which ones are "I'm adamant this must be a rule" and "This is what I want, but could be negotiable later".

Then you have to put the rules to MIL. Including "no telling the children you'll do x or y". Then if she breaks a rule you leave. Every time.

Tell her all the rules. Don't mention any being negotiable.

If she wants contact with the children she'll bite her tongue and respect them. If the contact is a control thing she'll repeatedly break them and then you have a bigger decision to make.

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 01:22

I think you are damn right, @JustLyra. unfortunately a few things in this short time has made me question whether it is a control thing. one-up-man-ship and speaking to me through the children.
Definitely need a backbone too.
I will definitely speak to DH about the list of boundaries. thank you

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Bromse · 23/02/2022 01:22

Just be cool and relaxed, tell her it is early days yet, it will take time for the children to get to know her, also say that it is not fair on the children to talk to you through them but should speak directly to you. Let her know that you understand she is excited about being in contact with her grandchildren again but she is overwhelming and needs to take things one step at a time. All of this can be conveyed gently. Then it is up to her to keep her feelings under control.

I hope it works out. It is a difficult situation and very hard for your husband as well as for you. I'm not going to pry but will ask, is she on her own or is father in law or a partner in the picture?

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 11:41

@malibuismysecrethome

I'm just not interested in spending my time facilitating the relationship. I told DH that gifts, birthdays, and contact would be his call not mine.

@bromse yes thats a good way to put it. I just hope I can say it in real time, calmly and not misword.

There are siblings and grandparents but haven't seen them yet. Fil is quiet, so mil kind of takes the lead. The original problem was with her and I have a feeling she told fil and sil and bils a different story to what actually happened so. its all still a bit awkward but thank you everyone for replying and giving me ideas on how to get the message across in a calm way

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Chamomileteaplease · 23/02/2022 11:51

Trouble is, if your husband wants to retain contact at any price (ie getting walked all over) then that puts you in a vulnerable position.

He needs to not be afraid of losing contact again in order for you and your family to have the mental strength and the actual power to assert your wishes. IMO.

I would spend more time talking things through with your husband before then facing the MIL together as a united front.

I would also spend time listening to DH talk about why he wants to keep in contact with his family. What does he want from them. Does he feel better now than he did during those eight years? If you can understand his feelings better ( and if he does too) then it may help you act as a team.

Best of luck.

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 12:12

@Chamomileteaplease
see we did have the conversation before, but now he's back tracked and boundaries we spoke about before (him addressing any digs or speaking through the children like she used to with eldest saying no to having the children alone)
He just can't seem to say no and it, regrettably is causing friction at home. solar to how it did before.

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MrsMiddleMother · 23/02/2022 12:55

Honestly as hard as it is you just need to grow a back bone. Tell your dh the boundaries you spoke about need to be implemented. And when your mil is talking through the children, you put a stop to it. 'Sorry mil, but you will not be picking the children up from school or babysitting. We don't a relationship yet so the trust is just not there. If she blows up then so be it. Your dh needs to put the safety and needs of his actual family first.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/02/2022 13:10

So keep talking to him. It's not a quick issue to resolve. Let him know that this is not going to go away. It is more important that you and him can be a team than anything that happens with his horrible mother.

Keep talking. Get help if you need it. Let the MIL wait. Don't give up! And you can keep talking here too .

He needs to understand the serious consequences of all that happens at the moment. And hopefully he is not going to throw you under the bus .

WildfirePonie · 23/02/2022 13:38

Do you have to deal with her at all? Why don't you block her?

MIL isn't your problem. I'd go NC.

Not your job to take the kids to see her, and she doesn't have the right to.

Gizacluethen · 23/02/2022 13:45

Are the kids old enough to understand "before we see daddy's mummy I want you to understand that sometimes she will say things to you that she should really say to me, like making plans to pick you up from school or have sleepovers. Mummy and daddy will always say no, it's not something you'll ever be able to do. So either ignore it when she says it or tell her it's up to mummy and daddy."?

And just "no thank you" "we're fine thanks" "they're too young for that" constantly as nicely as you can muster.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 14:13

[quote hdjdjehhdhdvsv]@Chamomileteaplease
see we did have the conversation before, but now he's back tracked and boundaries we spoke about before (him addressing any digs or speaking through the children like she used to with eldest saying no to having the children alone)
He just can't seem to say no and it, regrettably is causing friction at home. solar to how it did before.[/quote]
You need to pull back from the children seeing your MIL until he's put the boundaries back in place.

This is a hill to die on.

If he can't protect his children then they can't see MIL.

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 14:24

@Chamomileteaplease

Keep talking. Get help if you need it. Let the MIL wait. Don't give up! And you can keep talking here too .

He needs to understand the serious consequences of all that happens at the moment. And hopefully he is not going to throw you under the bus .

thanks chamomile, it's such a great thing being able to chat about it, talking to DH about it just can't be done because he finds it hard to talk about the reasons we "split up" for lack of better wording.

Absolutely wonderful reading everyone's advice thank you for taking the time out to reply and give me the much needed kick up the bum!

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Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 14:28

@WildfirePonie

Do you have to deal with her at all? Why don't you block her?

MIL isn't your problem. I'd go NC.

Not your job to take the kids to see her, and she doesn't have the right to.

I already did go no contact, poor DH would probably cry if it went to pot again within a few short months as much easier it would be I don't have her number or anything though the only time i speak to her is in person, a few times in the last few months. It's a shame they don't have a mute or block button for real life

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Lougle · 23/02/2022 14:29

I think you can just head it off with set phrases. "We don't do sleepovers", "I pick the children up from school".

You don't need to justify. You don't need to negotiate. Just no.

Ursusmajor · 23/02/2022 14:30

Tell the kids that they’ll always visit Gran with you and DH.
Tell MIL privately that visits will always be supervised and if she continues to tell the kids they can sleep over etc then contact will stop again.
This only works if DH is onboard.

Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 14:33

@Gizacluethen Eldest is and i have said that but i also have a 4 year old who takes everything at face value at the moment and was quite upset not being presented with sweets and mcdonalds after school when she said it last time. it actually caused a massive tantrum and made me really angry that a person can just waltz into my children's lives, make ridiculous promises to them causing problems.

I did actually wonder if it was calculated as a way to cause me difficulties at pick up times or to make me look like the bad guy having to say no.

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Original poster

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 14:40

*think you can just head it off with set phrases. "We don't do sleepovers", "I pick the children up from school".

You don't need to justify. You don't need to negotiate. Just no.*

I can do this, i think. I don't need to justify anything you're completely right

I have already told the dc this but youngest would rather believe in fantasy trips than me, can't say I can blame 'em tbf

I would love to just "if you keep doing this then this" but she, and the whole family have gotten violent before and that's one of the main reasons we cut contact in the first place so. And she is a very loud woman, shouts in the street etc so I don't really want to risk that behaviour with my children.

Why have we resumed contact you ask? 🤔 🙄 god only knows. Gotten myself into a right mess haven't I?

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