I know you are family in blood but my children don't know you

[hdjdjehhdhdvsv]

This is incredibly specific but I am posting on the I telnet because I can't get unbiased views in real life.
I am not including back story to keep it to the facts.

nearly 8 years ago me and DH decided to cut contact with mil, this meant we were basically no contact with the entire family.

DH started contact about a year, maybe 2 ago. Calls, texts, a few in person visits and then we introduced the children, who had been born after we stopped seeing them (well eldest was a toddler, he has some memory of mil only) they met maybe 3 months ago, Possibly 4? It was before Christmas 2021 so not long at all.

Mil had been saying to the children that she wants to take them out, to hers, baby sit, sleep overs, pick them up from school yada yada, if I will let her.

She is a stranger and is coming on very strong. I realise she is probably excited and everything but I have known my husband for 10 years and haven't had contact with her for 8 of those. I don't really know her or the family but what I do know is BAD. I wouldn't have seen them every again but it's not just my choice.

I just hate her saying 'I'll pick you up from school on Friday, child I have never met before'. And then I have to say to them she can't because I know its daddies mummy but we don't know her and you have only met her today.

Seen her a few times now in person and she is becoming more persistent, speaking through the children, to me not to DH. I am not confrontational she is though so I don't know how to hold myself. I also don't thunk it's right to tell a child you have just met (and one you haven't seen since they were 2) that you will be picking them up from school and having sleep overs.

you aren't "nanny" or "granny" after an hour. I don't know how to handle this, how can you handle it?

DH isn't much help in the moment and ignores as it is directed at me. I have just been ignoring and busying myself with baby or answering phantom texts. not cool but I'm a big baby. what should I say to not cause an argument but get across the fact she is still a stranger to my children at this point.

This sounds like an issue I had with my sister. I had one child whilst we were in contact and then two more after we fell out. We got back in contact and agreed to try and work through our issues. I was hesitant but willing to try.
Within weeks she has booked a photo shoot for her children & mine, matching Panama’s for them all & telling them they can come and stay at her house whilst DH and I had a weekend away.
Given that our relationship was so fractured & I wasn’t sure where it was going I definitely didn’t want this OTT behaviour with my children.
I quickly resumed the NC.

She also did the indirect talking via the children. It’s passive aggressive. She’d say something to them & I would have to rebuff whatever it was immediately in front of them. It made me the bad guy of course but it reminded me of how sly she is by nature.

If DH is not able to be resolute about any of this I would just decide what to do yourself. If you know they are bad people then you don’t owe them a thing and should protect your children. DH is a grown man and can do what he wants but not your children.

Matching Pyjamas. Gosh I should proof read first!

Also just read your last post re the violence. You shouldn’t be having anything to do with them at all. If you are frightened that if you confront them you will end up in an altercation then that is further proof that you shouldn’t.
DH absolutely needs to cut them off again.
Work out how to do that rather than figuring out how to keep the peace. It’s not possible with people like that.

@Daydreamsinsantafe this is exactly what's happened 100%
in a way I feel bad because it's like trying to make up for lost time, but then it's also like, you've just met them and it's overwhelming and I don't want to teach my DC that relationships can go from 0-100mph. it's not healthy.

Can i pick your brain? How did you deal with it, obviously the passove aggressive child talk thing was dealt with but the photo shoot and pj's?

Definitely is sly behaviour, designed to make me the bad guy, never asks DH. Only me. There's a reason we went NC

Why have we resumed contact you ask?

You didn't, did you? Your DH did. For his own reasons. And they aren't working out too well for you.

So tell him. He may want to put himself back in that space, but neither you nor the kids need be. He has to work this out or he will be the one causing friction, tension and unhappiness in the house he lives in!

You can support him find an even keel with his mother without offering yourself and the kids up to the alter of her demands. Tell him that. Clearly. Simply. He and his mum can work on their relationship however they choose. But you won't be doing so and you will be protecting the kids from her 'caprisciousness'.

I'm sorry to read about the violence, op, and sincerely hope it wasn't towards you or your husband. I would find shouting in the street unacceptable from anyone. The woman sounds dreadful.

Just stick to your guns.

@Daydreamsinsantafe
the violence was only once but shouting and making a scene was multiple times. never in front of DH mind
He thinks they have done their time, so to speak. And also he is sad he is missing out in his whole family because of a couple of people's actions. I'm afraid it's all or nothing.

I have gone through it multiple times. I don't think it would happen again but who bloody knows, I never thought this would be happening again

complete mug aren't I?

@hdjdjehhdhdvsv

OK so I will be letting the school know just incase. Great idea thank you.

And I know I have a DH problem and he knows its a problem but he just gets a little ''dear in the headlights'' amd does what I do which is just ignore it so I can't blame him we are certainly as bad as eachother when it comes to anything confrontational.

I like the thank you but we like family time aftershock, but she's a "what about weekends?" "'what about next Tuesday at 5 o'clock" kind of person.
i can't believe I'm going through all this again, it feels very de ja vu.

Maybe just tell her that the kids first need to become familiar with her before they can spend time with her alone. If she probes tell her that will take X (X= months or years or indefinite...as you wish) time.

@SamphiretheStickerist DH is in the mind its all water under the bridge. I suppose it is to him. I do want to support him and feel terrible for him I really do.
originally the children weren't going to be involved but she pushed, auntues and uncles pushed, he relented and its causing problems yet again.

I just tried to bring it up, swift subject changer there DH

I'd just respond with "maybe once we've all got to know each other properly" every time for now

@hdjdjehhdhdvsv I said we were away on the day of the shoot(we weren’t) but added that I didn’t want a ‘cousins picture’ without the others that weren’t included. I let it be known I found it strange. The PJ’s were bought for the weekend sleepover which I also firmly declined so they never got used.
When she’d say we should do X on such & such a day id tell her I’d let her know & I f course never did. Eventually she clocked on and contact stopped. I was furious that after all she’d done in the past she would find yet another way to disrespect me. It was as though nothing had ever happened between us and she had immediate for lo access to my life.
She’s not violent though so. Respect that you have a very different predicament.

Is your DH frightened of them? What do you think he wants them around for?

Cross post.

If the violence is likely a one off that slightly changed things.

DH needs to speak to them. He just needs to tell them that it’s too much too soon for the children & to stop mentioning sleepovers etc to them.
Worst case scenario is MIL could go to an assembly or something with you. That way she’s doing something a grandparent would do but without direct contact.

Absolutely no advice but you have my sympathy as someone in a similarish situation.

No idea how to handle it. I’d tell my parents to not be so rude, but it’s not my family and that’s why I struggle too! Sorry that’s not helpful but I found this thread very comforting to know I’m not the only one

@Chamomileteaplease

So keep talking to him. It's not a quick issue to resolve. Let him know that this is not going to go away. It is more important that you and him can be a team than anything that happens with his horrible mother.

Keep talking. Get help if you need it. Let the MIL wait. Don't give up! And you can keep talking here too .

He needs to understand the serious consequences of all that happens at the moment. And hopefully he is not going to throw you under the bus .

this absolutely. loads of discussion and teaming up between the two of you. "Not doing confrontation" and "deer in the headlights" is not an option. Do you know why he reinstated contact and do you support - as in understand and agree with - his decision? Does he understand the consequences, for him, of not keeping to the reasonable rules that you ands he agreed? Because to me this sounds like a safeguarding issue and not something he can head in the sand over.

I'll be honest ... it comes down to why you were no contact. Is it because you don't get along, two strong personalities often don't? It it because you believe there's a safeguarding risk?

If it's the latter then you need to protect your children whereas if she's simply a bit of a strong personality and you clash, there's no reason why your dp shouldn't build bridges and age could come into your children spices including babysitting.

Your DH probably needs some therapy about this. I recognize some patterns from my DH and his father.
Ultimately, as hard as this is to recognize, if your DH isn’t willing/able to recognize these patterns the situation never changes.
Therapy, learning boundaries and slowly putting these into place has started to help my DH

Just read back. Deffo a safeguarding issue and I would be adding to the conversation with DH and Mil that you will not hesitate to involve the police if there is any bad behaviour as well as sanctions for behaviours you will not allow. It does sound to me as though you will need to grow a backbone for two :( Does your DH realise how much of a dealbreaker between you and him his family's behaviour is? Becasue he has some choices to make.....I also would renege on your statement that its down to him to make and decide the running.....I know the kids have two parents and so on but if he is not putting his kids needs and safety first then he can't be trusted.

I think I'd have to say to dh that mil is pushing too much too soon and making you feel uncomfortable. So you've decided that you (plus dc) will be nc for now. You won't be making a big deal of it but that's the way it is for now. You won't be open to dh trying to change your mind. Dh is welcome to go to meet them and decide how he wants his future to be.

Sounds like your DH needs to speak to someone about this and to give him the tools he needs to deal with his family.

I did actually wonder if it was calculated as a way to cause me difficulties at pick up times or to make me look like the bad guy having to say no

^ this! My MIL used to do it all the time until DH had a word. Showing them sweets or unhealthy snacks and saying "if Mummy says it's ok..."

Same with outings, treats and once a damned pet. All positioning me as the Bad Guy to her Lovely Granny. It's a bloody underhanded power play and we reduced visits until she stopped it.

Just smile and say no, OP. "We don't do sleepovers", "we are busy after school each day", "No, that's n ot appropriate." They are your children; enforce your boundaries regarding them. You might disappoint your 4yo biut in the long term you're protecting them from toxic behaviour.

@hdjdjehhdhdvsv

complete mug aren't I?

No, but imo your husband is!

If he wants to be part of his violent family, as an adult that is his choice.

But why must he drag your kids into it?

If he as an adult cannot cope with his family, why does he think that his kids should be subjected to them?

At the very least he should agree that you & your kids can keep out of the shitstorm that he voluntarily wants to be in.

She is their grandmother and wants to see them understandably. Surely her childminding skills can’t be totally unknown as she raised your husband?

Absolutely no unsupervised contact with a stranger - which is what she is to your children.
Your DH barely trusts her, so why would you with the most precious thing you both have?

repeat after me... "No."
"No."
etc...

@Staffy1

She is their grandmother and wants to see them understandably. Surely her childminding skills can’t be totally unknown as she raised your husband?

Being the biological parent of another parent doesn't give you any rights to spend time with their children, especially when you have a proven history of being violent, abusive and aggressive and the children don't know you.