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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know you are family in blood but my children don't know you

77 replies

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 00:28

This is incredibly specific but I am posting on the I telnet because I can't get unbiased views in real life.
I am not including back story to keep it to the facts.

nearly 8 years ago me and DH decided to cut contact with mil, this meant we were basically no contact with the entire family.

DH started contact about a year, maybe 2 ago. Calls, texts, a few in person visits and then we introduced the children, who had been born after we stopped seeing them (well eldest was a toddler, he has some memory of mil only) they met maybe 3 months ago, Possibly 4? It was before Christmas 2021 so not long at all.

Mil had been saying to the children that she wants to take them out, to hers, baby sit, sleep overs, pick them up from school yada yada, if I will let her.

She is a stranger and is coming on very strong. I realise she is probably excited and everything but I have known my husband for 10 years and haven't had contact with her for 8 of those. I don't really know her or the family but what I do know is BAD. I wouldn't have seen them every again but it's not just my choice.

I just hate her saying 'I'll pick you up from school on Friday, child I have never met before'. And then I have to say to them she can't because I know its daddies mummy but we don't know her and you have only met her today.

Seen her a few times now in person and she is becoming more persistent, speaking through the children, to me not to DH. I am not confrontational she is though so I don't know how to hold myself. I also don't thunk it's right to tell a child you have just met (and one you haven't seen since they were 2) that you will be picking them up from school and having sleep overs.

you aren't "nanny" or "granny" after an hour. I don't know how to handle this, how can you handle it?

DH isn't much help in the moment and ignores as it is directed at me. I have just been ignoring and busying myself with baby or answering phantom texts. not cool but I'm a big baby. what should I say to not cause an argument but get across the fact she is still a stranger to my children at this point.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 23/02/2022 15:48

I would love to just "if you keep doing this then this" but she, and the whole family have gotten violent before and that's one of the main reasons we cut contact in the first place so. And she is a very loud woman, shouts in the street etc so I don't really want to risk that behaviour with my children.

I get why you are trying to protect your children from this, however with people like that there has to be an element of giving them enough rope.

Currently by ignoring it you and your DH are teaching your DC that Granny is a safe trusted person.

That behaviour she's shown you was either a one off and it won't happen again ever. Or it will.

If it is going to happen then far far better is happens when your children are young with you there to protect them than when they are teenagers and they defy Granny for the first time and are caught unawares by her manner.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 15:49

@Staffy1

She is their grandmother and wants to see them understandably. Surely her childminding skills can’t be totally unknown as she raised your husband?
The very same husband who she hasn't spoke to for 8 years......
billy1966 · 23/02/2022 16:42

OP,

Great advice above.

The violence and screaming in the street indicates a complete lack of control and tells you she absolutely cannot be trusted.

The speaking to you through the children is deliberate.

The promising things/outings to the children is also 100% deliberate.

I would tread with huge care here.

Your husband is putting HIS needs and what HE wants ahead of you and your children.

He is making it very clear that HE is prepared to abandon you to his mother and her demands.

You need to reflect on how this will impact your feelings for him and your marriage.

Him abandoning you will likely hugely impact how you feel about him and trust him.

He needs to hear this.

Therapy would help him for sure if he was open to it.

But either way it doesn't sound as if you are prepared to see your children used by his mother, collateral damage in her efforts to control you all.

You need to think about your deal breakers in your marriage and convey them very clearly to him before things get out of hand.

You are 100% correct to be wondering why you have allowed yourself and the children be put back into this position.
Flowers

Bananarama21 · 23/02/2022 16:52

In going against the grain your dh has been nc for 8 years then he was the one to reinstate contact down to her meeting his dc, unless going nc was something very serious I would wonder what your intentions were. Do you want her to have a relationship with your dc and be a grandmother? If not then I think your being emotionally manipulative to want contact but limit the level of contact of course it should be built up appropriately but I'd question what do you want from your dh regaining contact with his dm.

tolerable · 23/02/2022 17:06

oooh-Awkward. Tho communication is clearly lacking. NC is really hard,and clearly you are sympathetic to your husbands wish to restablish a place within "family"
When i read through i noticed gma said "if mum will let you"...to a degree i get why could look at as passive aggressive.
-could also look at as...gma would love to,but is aware there are restrictions...not ideal situation for any of you-and yes,have to eliminate the through the children element.if dp deer head lights\you avoidant..shes kinda up shit creek wi no paddle.
You dont have to be combative...If you gonna prevent upset/disappointment for kids,not be made the fall guy...your gony have to take control.
Your not going to be able to judge her relationship with kids if you stick to absolute no involvement.
Reality is..she sounds reallykeen to be gma,like you said,wants make up for lost time.
Perhaps dp(and you if wish)could agree to "grandma/family"days- dp shouldnt need to,but might wanna take the lead ."we are going take kids mcds /out to eat-can you join us".. cinema?..(good for gently intro/share their company?)..park? we are doing arty day-wanna join in? come and bake cakes? so she recognises your family unit ..and is given acess to join in? ..
Doubt anyone would suggest instant sleepovers /babysit. ..but allow/adapt to create "happy memories"for yall.
Conflict and resentment is avoidable. .good luck

MrsMcGarry · 23/02/2022 17:18

I had this with my stepmother. I am Luke contact rather than no contact, as it is significantly less hassle than the drama that wouldn’t you with the wider family if I went contact. It can work, but only if both you and your DH do maintain strict boundaries. One thing you could use for the passive aggressive talking through the children, is to act surprised. “Goodness I’m not sure why grandma is saying that, she knows it’s not possible” because then it means she has to escalate to the stage of why it should be possible.

Have you read the book “toxic in laws” by Susan forward? Or get your share to read toxic parents

godmum56 · 23/02/2022 17:20

@Staffy1

She is their grandmother and wants to see them understandably. Surely her childminding skills can’t be totally unknown as she raised your husband?
have you actually read this thread?
Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 18:16

@Daydreamsinsantafe what a shame. its so upsetting that someone could want to know you just to hurt you or upset you. Well done for sticking to your guns and sticking up for yourself and family.
It's actually really sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 18:19

@Hidingin Flowers for you too. it's dreadful isn't it x and ugh easier sharing with people who have been through similar

OP posts:
Staffy1 · 23/02/2022 18:19

@godmum56, sigh, yes I had read the OPs posts up to that point.

Staffy1 · 23/02/2022 18:21

@AryaStarkWolf, yes, the very same one…because the husband cut contact so I don’t suppose she had a say in it.

Staffy1 · 23/02/2022 18:24

@girlmom21, no, it doesn’t, but the OP said it hadn’t been directed towards her husband ever and I assume as he is back in contact with her he can’t think her that bad.

mathanxiety · 23/02/2022 18:37

You and H are going to have to grow a backbone and say a very clear No.

Not 'no thank you/ early days/ we'll see'.

DH needs to go to counseling to work on the relationship issues with his manipulative and controlling mother. He needs to learn how to assert himself.

MIL is clearly dominating the family and will not stand for anyone getting out of line. You can't hope for something different from MIL while trying to keep it all nicey nicey. This woman doesn't play nice and sees courtesy as a sign of weakness. Never, ever trust someone who speaks through children.

mathanxiety · 23/02/2022 18:42

I've just seen your post wrt violence, and shouting in the street.

You can't resume this relationship.

The idea needs to come to a screeching halt immediately.

Send DH to therapy to deal with his issues.

Consider moving a long way away.

Nothing good can come of trying to have a relationship with this toxic woman and the siblings.

girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 18:54

[quote Staffy1]@girlmom21, no, it doesn’t, but the OP said it hadn’t been directed towards her husband ever and I assume as he is back in contact with her he can’t think her that bad.[/quote]
It was directed at OP and he went NC with her for 8 years and is only back in contact because he's lost out on his whole family - not because he thinks she's a fantastic grandmother

Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:05

I must have written the backstop and deleted it 100 times.
the violence and shouting is nothing compared.pared to the last straw. Think rapunzel finding out about mother gothel stealing her as a baby for her hair. If that's a 10 then DHs reasons are like an 8 or a 9 on the betrayal scale.

To be honest I thought she'd have learnt her lesson and not been so nasty. she used to talk through my first born baby "mummy is so silly, stupid mummy, mummy doesn't like me does she, why is mummy trying to take you and daddy away from me" sick stuff like that. Never infront of DH. She used to call relative and say "oh I'm just calling to say xxx is here with my dgc. no noone else bye then" she even invited his ex round! and was texting her and everything. Thankfully she was Hmm but that's the type of person I'm dealing with.

I thought we can deal with mil, to get back in with his siblings and aunties and uncles and grandparents, cousins and everyone else and the post man. Maybe he could start being invited to family gatherings and weddings. it seemed like such a shame to lose a whole family because of one person. And it's his mum and she could do anything he'd forgive her and still love her. Their relationship was very odd, he was definitely the scape goat and others were golden children.

She spends most of the visit one upping what DH says with what golden child 1 and 3 have done. It seems like she's punishing him really. I hate this actually I wish we never saw her again.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/02/2022 19:06

Can you not just say ‘Stop telling the children fantasies, that isn’t going to happen’? If she kicks off, you tell your dh she doesn’t get to see the dc anymore.

lockdownalli · 23/02/2022 19:06

I wouldn't have seen them every again but it's not just my choice.

It really is your choice. You absolutely do not have to see this vile woman ever again. If DH wants to see her that's up to him but you should be protecting your DC from her, not exposing them to a witnessing or experiencing violence because you prefer that to upsetting your husband.

I am completely NC with my own mother. Yes it can cause issues, but it's what's best and safest for me and my DC.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 19:09

Your husband sounds like he could do with some decent therapy to pick apart his FOG

Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:11

@girlmom21
you have my back!

Key information we aren't the only family members to go No contact. at least 3 other family members have, 2 before we did, one after (including their children who are just horrible children apparently Hmm )

OP posts:
Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:12

@JustLyra no way in hell could I drag him to a dr for a broken arm never mind therapy. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:14

@JustLyra

Your husband sounds like he could do with some decent therapy to pick apart his FOG
actually what is FOG
OP posts:
Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:14

FOG I haven't heard of it just lyra

OP posts:
OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 23/02/2022 19:23

Fog is fear obligation and guilt

Original poster
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 23/02/2022 19:27

Oh that's DH down to a T.

OP posts: