Role of stepmother at the wedding

[Throwmealifejacket]

I’m posting on AIBU as I’d like some honest response and traffic.
DSS has announced his engagement and he’s marrying his new fiancée next summer. I’m married to his dad, his mum has a long term partner and the bride’s parents are still together.
Where do we sit? Do I sit with ex wife’s partner on a table (not top)? I’m not saying I want to sit on top I’m just wondering how it works.
DSD is bridesmaid and DH is usher.
I’m already worrying about it I’m a massive introvert.

I’m so glad you’re asking, as I’m in the same situation this year with my SS.

SS’s mum won’t be attending the wedding, so (obviously) her partner won’t be there for me to chat to/ sit with either.

I don’t want to ask SS either, as it’s an awkward situation.

No one can tell you this, its totally down to how the b&g feel. I've been at a wedding where all step parents were on the top table another where no parents on top table just best man and bridesmaids and parents on tables nearby, another had no top table at all.

Surely it's up to the bride & groom and perhaps whoever is funding the wedding to decide the seating arrangements?

They may not have a 'top table'.

And to be worrying about a few hours of socialising at someone else's celebration is bonkers - in the nicest possible way - get a grip!

Do you all get on well together? If so, I would have thought the top table would be the place for all of you. That's what happens at most of the "blended family" weddings I've experienced. The only exceptions are where there is discord or drama between the two families. Can your DH ask SS what the arrangements are going to be? It's perfectly reasonable to want to know.

My DD is getting married, my oh is on the top table but her dad isn't involved, loving story 🙄
I would not over think it, wait and see what their table plan is and slap a smile on your face and go with it, it's their wedding and all that.
However, if it was my wedding I'd mix it up and have all parents on the top table but not sat together as couples, 3 people either side of the bride and groom.
I wouldn't ask what the plan is, I'd just wait and see and enjoy the wedding ❤️

The bride and groom will work it out.
Your role is to be accommodating and help them feel comfortable about the decision they come to.

Up to bride and groom.

There’s no set formula, so you’ll just have to wait and see what the bride and groom come up with and go along with it.

They may not have a top table and be more informal. The last wedding I went to they did have a top table and both step parents were on there. And they all hate each other. It was awkward as the looks they all gave each other when the speeches were done was shocking.
Just ask Ss, if you're close. Ask.?

I'm sure the bride and groom would take family dynamics into consideration! They may not have a top table at all and just have a table for the 2 of them.

IF you and your DH's ex don't get on, then I'd imagine they would put you on separate tables. Even though your DH is an usher, we didnt have ours sitting on the top table anyways. Surely he'd just sit with you?

We had the same scenario at our wedding. We did a top table of 2x bridesmaids and 2x best men (plus my husband and I) then we sat each set of parents at their own tables with friends and family. It was the best of both worlds as they got to sit separately (neither of the step parents wanted to sit with each other - no animosity but they just preferred to be with their own partners) and also got to sit with their friends and family so as drinks were flowing they were having a great time. We just arranged the three parent tables in front of top table so they could all see equally and no table was further back than another. Hope this helps as a suggestion!

We are having a sweetheart table so we don't have to deal with any parent and step parent upset.

I am sure everyone would respect our decision totally but would hate anyone to feel uncomfortable or left out.

Unless the bride and groom are gauche and completely self centred they will make arrangements which are comfortable for their family circumstances.

I have step parents and didn't have a top table for this reason. Didn't want anyone feeling awkward and I wasn't personally that bothered about having one.

So for my wedding (my parents are divorced but everyone gets on well). My dad and mum sat on the top table with DH and I and DH’s parents. Then my step-mum was on a table with friends and family of hers and my dad. And my mums partner did the same. He sat with my mums family. Everyone was very happy with the arrangement. I did ask my stepmum if she wanted to sit on the top table (she’s been in my life a very longtime) but she said she was more than happy hosting a table so to speak with friends/family. Every situation is different. I’d wait and see what the bride & groom suggest Op.

Up to the B&G, but I'd seat the B's mother with G's father, and B's father with G's mother.

I'd not have any new spouses/partners on the top table, but would seat them with people they'd like, with family/friends but ideally not at the same table as each other (having a big family can be quite useful sometimes!)

I don’t get on with DHs ex we never have. No I wasn’t OW. I’d rather sit with DH but can cope with a few hours on another table.
I will not say a word, I’ll just be happy with whatever is chosen I just wondered what general opinion was. I think get a grip is a bit harsh.

Don’t overthink or worry about it, the bride and groom will decide. I would just say don’t let your feelings influence them. Just let them choose.
I’m a stepmom of now adult children ( mum is deceased for many years) and I try very hard at all family gatherings not to make any assumptions, demands etc . At the weddings I’ve sat with the siblings, grandchildren on a “ closefamily table” for instance and it’s been lovely. Only one wedding was awkward, one of my sons divorced
mother in law made the stepmum feel horrid and it definitely made for awkwardness all round
Go with the flow and smile

At DD's wedding, they hosted a table with best man and bridesmaids, her DF hosted a table with his family, her stepfather and I did the same. At DSD's wedding, I was on the top table, much to my surprise, and treated exactly the same as her DM.

Get a grip is harsh, yes

@Henlie that sounds perfect

Yes I strongly suspect DSS’s mum will be Lording over me. She’s always been very vocal that she is their mother and I am surplus to requirements. I have never once wanted to be their mother or overstepped my mark. I would understand if I had. I will just curl up into my shell I suspect.

At our wedding my mums (then-now ex) long term partner sat with my grandparents. Both my mum and DHs mum were on the top table with bridesmaids and best man. DHs dad is no longer with us and whilst me and mums partner had a civil relationship (he'd been around for 20 years) we weren't close at all.

To stop any of that happening at my wedding I had no top table I wanted everyone to be in their couples ., so much less stress!

I have no influence and don’t want any but I do secretly hope they don’t do a top table. Entirely up to them of course. DSS is lovely and will consider everyone but tends to be run over by his over bearing mother.