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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Role of stepmother at the wedding

99 replies

Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 18:59

I’m posting on AIBU as I’d like some honest response and traffic.
DSS has announced his engagement and he’s marrying his new fiancée next summer. I’m married to his dad, his mum has a long term partner and the bride’s parents are still together.
Where do we sit? Do I sit with ex wife’s partner on a table (not top)? I’m not saying I want to sit on top I’m just wondering how it works.
DSD is bridesmaid and DH is usher.
I’m already worrying about it I’m a massive introvert.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/02/2022 19:31

Just be graceful with what they decide if you don't get on with the ex wife then it's likely you'll be on another table. There isn't really much of a role in regards to step parents unless the child in question says otherwise like walking down the aisle, reading etc. Your there to accompany your dp and enjoy the celebrations. Your dss may just one photo with just his parents and him and his bride but also make sure you get your own photo with you and your dp and him and the bride.

missymayhemsmum · 22/02/2022 19:43

If you don't want to be on the top table and feel awkward in the limelight op, is there someone coming who will need care and company? Offer to 'miss out' on the top table to sit with/escort the elderly aunt/ single parent cousin/ great gran in her wheelchair or help with any children attending and everyone will think you are wonderful.

Tequilabeliever · 22/02/2022 19:44

@Throwmealifejacket

I don’t get on with DHs ex we never have. No I wasn’t OW. I’d rather sit with DH but can cope with a few hours on another table. I will not say a word, I’ll just be happy with whatever is chosen I just wondered what general opinion was. I think get a grip is a bit harsh.
Get a grip is harsh. It’s an understandable quandary but of course it will be up to the bride and groom. Why don’t you suggest that you sit on one of the tables rather than the top table. It might take the pressure off them and you might be more relaxed. Enjoy the day 💐
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 19:57

I’ve got a stepmum and between my siblings we’ve had 5 weddings, none with a top table, all with a table hosted by my mum and separately by my dad and step mum. They all get on fine but we all agreed when it was up to us that it was nicer that way.

Kudupoo · 22/02/2022 20:00

Up to bride and groom.

At my top table we had:

Groom's Dad - Groom's Mum - Bride's Step Dad - Bride's Mum - Groom - Bride - Best Man - Bride's Step Mum - Bride's Dad - Bride's Aunt (Dad's sister)

As bride's parents didn't speak to each other or get on with new partners basically. Bride's Dad's sister would have been lost anywhere else (early dementia) and best man helpfully made it an even split.

At least I think it was like that! Groom's parents and Bride's Mum and Step dad might have been in each others' places.

Kudupoo · 22/02/2022 20:00

It wasn't a round table!

Katela18 · 22/02/2022 20:01

We had same family situation as you ie my parents together, DH parents split his mum is remarried, dad is single.

Our top table was =
Me and dh, my dad next to his mum, my mum next to his dad plus our DD and best man.

MILs husband sat on their family table ie with DHs grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins etc

TheSnowyOwl · 22/02/2022 20:03

We had FIL’s wife on the top table with us. It will have to depend upon how well everyone gets on though.

babyjellyfish · 22/02/2022 20:09

At our wedding we had bridesmaids and groomsmen plus their partners at the top table and our parents sat at their own tables with their friends.

Icenii · 22/02/2022 20:09

Our top table was best man, maid of honour and DSSs.

My step dad signed our marriage certificate with FIL. I wanted his name on there. It was really important to me.

I'll take what ever role DSSs give to me. I can't be arsed to be worried about it and will just enjoy the day. TBH I think it will be their parents who will rub each other up the wrong way.

BillThePony · 22/02/2022 20:09

At my wedding my mum, stepdad, dad and step mum all sat at the top table, they all get on really well but I appreciate that this isn't the norm.

Zilla1 · 22/02/2022 20:09

It depends on the nature of the relationships and the preferences of all. If the DSM has had a significant involvement with their DSC.

I've seen many permutations from traditional top table with genetic parents then step-parents relegated to other tables. I've seen no top table and equal but separate tables there the two 'sides' don't get on so their have their new partners and their side of the family so no 'lording' by either genetic or step-parents.. I've seen modern top table with each sides' step-parents and genetic parents so the ex's have their own new partners on top table with them so again no 'lording' by either genetic or step-parents.

In the circumstances, if you and the genetic mother don't get on, you have social anxiety so best not relegated to a table on your own and wouldn't welcome being 'lorded' over by the genetic mother then perhaps a chat with your DP to have a chat with the bride and groom to see if either no top table or an expanded top table might work. If the birth mother tries to seek a traditional top table to 'lord' it over you then there are solutions if the bride and groom are amenable. It can even be sold as their idea if willing.

Good luck.

Bdhntbis · 22/02/2022 20:10

When my DSD gets married (long time yet) I really hope I’m sitting with DH whether that’s at the top table or where ever as I’d be secretly gutted to be put separately considering how I’ve always tried to treat DSD the same as my DC. Obviously though I wouldn’t say anything if that were to happen.

19lottie82 · 22/02/2022 20:11

It’s obviously up to the bride and groom but when I got married my DM and DF (divorced) sat at the top table with my PIL and my DSD and DSM sat with people they knew at the other tables.

19lottie82 · 22/02/2022 20:13

PS I love my DSP to bits but it would have been just too many people at the top table otherwise. They didn’t have a problem with it.

T00Ts · 22/02/2022 20:17

I’m afraid you sit where you’re told, and you act with grace and dignity if the ex wife is ‘lording it up’ over you, as it’s your stepson’s day. Where you sit really doesn’t matter.

Meanorisitme · 22/02/2022 20:18

I feel your anxiety as a fellow introvert. Do you really have to go? His parents wil be there after all, and you can wish him and his bride well and celebrate separately with a meal another time. That would be my ideal solution.

UserWithNoUserName · 22/02/2022 20:18

It surely depends on who the Bride and Groom want where?

I went to one where the brides parents + their spouses sat together but everybody got on very well anyway. Obviously if dynamics were different, B+G hopefully would account for that!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 20:18

@T00Ts

I’m afraid you sit where you’re told, and you act with grace and dignity if the ex wife is ‘lording it up’ over you, as it’s your stepson’s day. Where you sit really doesn’t matter.
Well she doesn’t have to go…
ItsTheTreasure · 22/02/2022 20:22

When we got married we didn't have any parents on the top table. We had bridesmaids and best man instead. I love my step parents (been in my life since I was 2 and 14) but DHs dad was in a new relationship and his mum single. My mum and dad/step mum don't get on, and neither did his parents so it was far easier! No one was upset or left out.

T00Ts · 22/02/2022 20:22

@AnneLovesGilbert of course not. I may be labouring under the misapprehension that she wanted to go. I may have missed a post about how bad things are between OP and exwife.

Minniem2020 · 22/02/2022 20:27

My mum and stepmum don't get on and for this reason if I ever got married I wouldn't have a top table, probably just a table for me ,dp and our kids then everyone else mixed. Stepmum has been in my life for over 30 years and I certainly wouldn't want her (or anyone else) to feel uncomfortable

warmeduppizza · 22/02/2022 20:37

When my DSD gets married I’ll just politely decline the invitation and let everyone get on with it.

Jvg33 · 22/02/2022 20:43

My husband had his step mother at the top table along with his mum and her partner. His step mum helped repair a bridesmaid dress as she is excellent with thread and needle.

Meanorisitme · 22/02/2022 20:45

It is great that some stepparents and parents can get onfoe things like weddings. I honestly admire that because I couldn't do it

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