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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Role of stepmother at the wedding

99 replies

Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 18:59

I’m posting on AIBU as I’d like some honest response and traffic.
DSS has announced his engagement and he’s marrying his new fiancée next summer. I’m married to his dad, his mum has a long term partner and the bride’s parents are still together.
Where do we sit? Do I sit with ex wife’s partner on a table (not top)? I’m not saying I want to sit on top I’m just wondering how it works.
DSD is bridesmaid and DH is usher.
I’m already worrying about it I’m a massive introvert.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 22/02/2022 20:47

@Knittingnanny2

Get a grip is harsh, yes
Agreed with this. Op hasn't experienced this and wants to understand how other people have not I'm the same situation.
Jvg33 · 22/02/2022 20:47

*have in the same situation

Zilla1 · 22/02/2022 20:50

If you do go, OP, do you have any friends or family with a tenuous link to the bride and groom who might be added to the invite list.

Also, if you do go, perhaps prioritising preparation time and money to the extent you can afford the clothing, hair and make up that might help with confidence if you think that might help.

Good luck.

Lesperance · 22/02/2022 21:13

Is there anybody you WOULD like to sit with, like more distant members of your husband's family? Could you preempt the question by saying "ooo I'd love to catch up with cousin Phyllis at the wedding, is there any chance we'll be on the same table?"

Juno22 · 22/02/2022 21:38

When my SD married I sat at a table with other family members. My DH walked his daughter down the aisle and sat with her mum and the in laws at the top table. It wasn't about me, it was about her having the day she wanted with her parents.

It's one day, and we had a drink and a dance later.

Don't overthink it and do what works for the bride and groom.

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 21:58

@T00Ts

I’m afraid you sit where you’re told, and you act with grace and dignity if the ex wife is ‘lording it up’ over you, as it’s your stepson’s day. Where you sit really doesn’t matter.
Thanks for this but I’m really not a second class citizen with no thoughts or feelings of my own. It is my DSS’s day and I will absolutely respect that but where I sit matters to me and so it should.
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/02/2022 21:59

Throwmealifejacket it's not your right to sit at the top table should they decide to judt have parents though it is completely down to them, you also have the option not to attend.

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:00

Thanks for everyone’s suggestions. I think my DSS and his wife to be will be respectful of everyone attending, even his step mum!!

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/02/2022 22:02

Have you been in his life since early childhood or later on in life by any chance?

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:02

@Bananarama21

Throwmealifejacket it's not your right to sit at the top table should they decide to judt have parents though it is completely down to them, you also have the option not to attend.
Did you read my first post where I specifically said I didn’t think I should sit at the top table??

Why are step mothers treated with such disdain on here?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/02/2022 22:02

If that's the case whats the issue then?

unchienandalucia · 22/02/2022 22:03

We had a top table of bridesmaids best men etc (sisters, best friends, their partners) and my mum 'hosted' a table with her partner, as did my father. As did Dhs parents. All worked brilliantly.

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:03

@Bananarama21

Have you been in his life since early childhood or later on in life by any chance?
Why do you ask and what are your thoughts?
OP posts:
Knittingnanny2 · 22/02/2022 22:03

@Juno22 exactly how I feel about these sorts of gatherings

user1471548941 · 22/02/2022 22:03

We had this exact scenario at our wedding.

We split my husband’s DF and step Mum because of limited space on top table that meant having her there would have meant losing a parent or sibling!

We did however mix our parents so step mum didn’t have to watch her husband sat with his ex even though all are amicable, made sure that she was still prominently seated and she got flowers alongside our Mum’s- though we handed them our at the same time as the grandmother’s flowers to make sure DMs were still centre stage.

Our layout was top table with 2 very long tables running off it so she was at the top of the very long table and actually sat right opposite DF, albeit at a 90 degree angle.

So we did

My DB
My DDad
DH’s DM
DH
Me
My DM
DH’s DDad
DH’s DB

One of the long tables lead out from my DDad and DB so I chose my closest family to sit at the top of that.

Then my DH chose who went top of the other long one, which peeled off from his DDad and DB- we actually chose step mum and DB’s partner so both we near their couple and prominent without being on top.

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:04

@Bananarama21

If that's the case whats the issue then?
Because I will be sitting somewhere and I wondered what others experiences were, just as i asked in my post. The post is not entitled should I be sitting on the top table!
OP posts:
maddy68 · 22/02/2022 22:06

You sit where you are invited.to. It depends. My parents both remarried. We had parents and step parents on the top table. Others didn't and were more traditional. It's tricky TBF

Original poster
Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:09

It is very tricky and I appreciate that. That’s why I asked.
I didn’t have a superiority complex and don’t feel I should be on the top table.
Thankfully DSS is thoughtful and would never treat me as some are suggesting he should.

OP posts:
Knittingnanny2 · 22/02/2022 22:10

@Throwmealifejacket sorry some posters have been harsh, I think all of your points are very valid and show how thoughtful you are.

Greenfields124 · 22/02/2022 22:13

[quote Knittingnanny2]@Throwmealifejacket sorry some posters have been harsh, I think all of your points are very valid and show how thoughtful you are.[/quote]
I agree.

JustJam4Tea · 22/02/2022 22:13

I know exactly how you feel. I ended up on top table with dh, ex wife, brides. Dad and his wife and brides mum. All v modern. It was lovely.

Keladrythesaviour · 22/02/2022 22:14

Totally up to the Bride and Groom. We had a big top table with three sets of parents, us and best man and maid of honour.
My DH's sister didn't have a top table, and just had parents scattered amongst the tables.

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2022 22:21

My eldest son married 3 years ago. Small, totally non traditional wedding, organised entirely by the couple. No set tables at all. Second son had a more traditional wedding 2 years ago .They had large round tables The top table looked the same as all the others and had the bride and groom, her parents and his parents and step parents. We all went along with whatever was asked.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/02/2022 22:23

My father gave me away much to my mother's chagrin. Step sat at top table with her. Father and his wife sat with grandparents very close and gave his speech.

They behaved quite well considering they detested each other for the twelve years they were married and even more so when they separated and thereafter.

My mother would not have made a scene in public and enjoyed the spectacle of the day although she's have preferred father not to have been there.

We didn't have words until DS1 was born and I put my foot down over her husband being referred to as Grandad Jerry. He was and is Jerry. Neither the dc nor I are related to him.

thegreylady · 22/02/2022 22:30

My dh has 3dc and I have two. All are married. In every case dh and I were on the top table as were his ex and her dh (at their dc’s weddings). My previous husband, my dc’s father is dead but my dh was asked to make a speech at dd wedding although her brother walked her down the aisle.