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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Role of stepmother at the wedding

99 replies

Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 18:59

I’m posting on AIBU as I’d like some honest response and traffic.
DSS has announced his engagement and he’s marrying his new fiancée next summer. I’m married to his dad, his mum has a long term partner and the bride’s parents are still together.
Where do we sit? Do I sit with ex wife’s partner on a table (not top)? I’m not saying I want to sit on top I’m just wondering how it works.
DSD is bridesmaid and DH is usher.
I’m already worrying about it I’m a massive introvert.

OP posts:

Original poster

Throwmealifejacket · 22/02/2022 22:32

@thegreylady

My dh has 3dc and I have two. All are married. In every case dh and I were on the top table as were his ex and her dh (at their dc’s weddings). My previous husband, my dc’s father is dead but my dh was asked to make a speech at dd wedding although her brother walked her down the aisle.

You sound like you have a strong and very positive family. Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

JustJam4Tea · 22/02/2022 22:33

And it’s not a weird thing to wonder about, I did.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 22/02/2022 22:35

When I got married my mum and dad (divorced) sat on top table with my DH parent (married) and best man and bridesmaid. We did the traditional seating. My step mum and step dad sat tighter on a table at the very front along with my Aunty and uncle who they both get on with very well

picklemewalnuts · 22/02/2022 22:36

The groom's mum may be overbearing but the bride's mum and dad may also have opinions. She won't be able to be as influential as she may expect.

It's a good idea to think about it ahead of time. The new couple may have opinions about how they want to arrange things, but they may ask what you'd like to consider it as part of their decision making.

Livelovebehappy · 22/02/2022 22:37

I would guess a step parent wouldn't have expectations about sitting on the top table. And then if they’re invited to, it’s a bonus. I would also guess that you just fall in with the plans of the bride and groom. It’s only one day so I’m sure you would just smile and get on with it, but it’s obviously a very special day for them when they will remember how their parental/step parents behaved.

Sosigsandwich · 22/02/2022 22:39

I hated mine so didn't invite her... My Dad sat on the top table with my Mum and Stepdad.

gogohm · 22/02/2022 22:41

If you get along ok, sitting with you ex's partner makes a lot of sense, placed at the table next to the top table usually. You are far from alone.

I'm sure we will be facing this fairly soon

Change123today · 22/02/2022 22:44

My sister had a top table - our divorced parents sat each at one end. Step Mum sat with Dads family/parents & step Dad with his children my mums family - tables close to the top table with the right family sat near respective partners.
My parents really dislike each other but behaved for the day and played ball with the photos my sister wanted.
I was Maid of honour and made sure my sister was happy and kept an eye on parents - was a lovely wedding but I was glad when it was over!

Talipesmum · 22/02/2022 22:45

I guess they’d put you at a table with whoever else attending the wedding they think you’d get on ok with. We tried to seat people with those they knew and liked to chat with - and if anyone was quiet put them with nice people who wouldn’t tease or try to jolly them if they didn’t want it. If there’s anyone on the guest list you’d rather be with, let your H know.

kateandme · 22/02/2022 22:58

Could you ask your dh?might be something to chat together over if your worried

seekinglondonlife · 22/02/2022 23:04

I didn't have a wedding because of the angst of who was going to sit where. Twenty years later I'm so annoyed with myself that I didn't do what I wanted for one day.

Hiddenvoice · 22/02/2022 23:14

I guess the bride and groom will go with what suits them.
They may choose to have only bridesmaids and groomsmen at the top table. My brother went very traditional and had my parents next to his bride and her separated parents next to him. Both their partners sat together at a table with her family. They didn’t get along but dealt with it for the day as it was only really the meal they had to be together and that tends to move quite quickly. You’ll find that once speech’s are done the bride and groom may move around the room to talk to people so you’d be able to go and speak to your husband. Nothing wrong with wondering, you’re doing the right thing of just letting them plan it.
If they ask your opinion I’d just say you’re happy to sit wherever suits them.
His mum might make a bit of a show of being the grooms mum but that’s fine, she’s entitled to since it’s his day and she will be excited and want to boast about him. I’d just smile and let it be. It’s one day that flies by!

MsVanDeKamp · 22/02/2022 23:34

My DM and DF don't get on. They both sat top table at the wedding, on opposite sides of the bride and groom. We assumed my dad would be busy socialising during the wedding so gave Dstepmum a plus 1 and she sat with her sister on a table of some of my dad's siblings. I figured that was a small price to pay to make sure my dad could focus on us and our day and not worry about stepmum or them go home early. My stepdad already had his son (my step brother) there so they sat with my mums family. Worked well.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/02/2022 23:37

@Throwmealifejacket

I don’t get on with DHs ex we never have. No I wasn’t OW. I’d rather sit with DH but can cope with a few hours on another table. I will not say a word, I’ll just be happy with whatever is chosen I just wondered what general opinion was. I think get a grip is a bit harsh.

I think this is the good approach.

Be enthusiastic and supportive.
If it comes up I’d explain or in fact have your husband explain… neither of you are fussy about where you sit or how it’s organised you are happy with whatever they want and your priority is she has an amazing day.

Nannyamc · 22/02/2022 23:45

My dil parents are divorced not great RL. I as mil sat with her df my dh with her dm. Worked out fine Their other halves sat with their own family.

HermioneKipper · 23/02/2022 00:02

I was happy to have my lovely step mum at the top table. This unfortunately meant I had to have my mum’s horrible partner at the top table too.

All depends on your relationship with your step son I guess

Flickflak · 23/02/2022 01:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DevonTF · 23/02/2022 06:21

We had this issue when we married. My husbands parents were divorced and each had new partners. Mine were still happily married. Everyone got on well.

We didn’t do a ‘top table’. We had round tables of 8, we sat with our parents. The bridesmaids with their partners, best man and groomsmen with their partners. It worked really well, and everyone got to sit with people they wanted to be with.

ABitBesotted · 23/02/2022 06:32

I don't envy you. I pray my DC don't want a big fuckoff wedding and have been determinedly brainwashing them with "small civil ceremony is the truly romantic option" since birth (and I happen to believe it!).

Of course you have to acquiesce in the couple's wishes, but please don't stew or stress. In the end it will just be an hour or two of your life eating shit food and listening to formulaic speeches; you could be stuck watching a terrrible Peter Jackson LOTR film which would take longer!

Buildingthefuture · 23/02/2022 06:39

I get where you are coming from. My DSD is getting married this year and her Mum doesn’t like me at all, and no, I definitely wasn’t OW. Personally, I would rather not sit at the top table, but it’s DSDs day, so I will sit wherever she wants me to. My own (absolutely vile) SM made such a massive song and dance about where she would be sitting when I got married and i’ve never forgotten it, so I will sit where they put me, smile and button my lip.

curlii103 · 23/02/2022 07:13

The top table caused issues at my wedding and there are no step parents involved! Id expect you to sit with your dh, if you think it will be incomfortable with his ex there, who else do you know at the wedding and can you suggest you sit with other family or friends?

Wheelz46 · 23/02/2022 07:28

I recently attended a wedding where there were step parents from the brides side, she found the top table extremely stressful and although didn't want to exclude anyone, she did want the traditional top table.

In the end she had just the biological parents sat at the top table and had 2 close tables to the left and right with a step parent on each one with familiar family members on those tables so the step parents didn't feel alone.

Sounds like you have a wonderful, thoughtful DSS who will take the family dynamics into consideration.

Carpedimum · 23/02/2022 09:16

I completely understand your anxiety @Throwmealifejacket. When my DP’s eldest got married, they had a traditional top table with both sets of parents. I sat on a table with my DS very close to my DP (touching distance) which he was glad of because he was anxious about his speech & needed my reassurance. I didn’t know anyone else at the table, totally out of my comfort zone, and I was incredibly conscious of how I might be judged. It was all much more pleasant than I’d feared. My advice is to choose an outfit you feel good in and keep smiling!

MintyFreshBreath · 23/02/2022 09:40

We didn’t do a top table for this reason. It was me, DH, sis (maid of honour) and best man. Our wedding was so small that had we invited my mum, his dad and partner plus his mum and husband, that would have been 20% of the wedding party at the top table whereas I wanted more people in the room.

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