Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend this money how I like?

127 replies

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 16:01

I've just received a small amount of money from my Gran. She'd sold something and had given all her grandkids some money from it (£400) to treat ourselves and her great grand kids (me and one cousin have DC).

DS really could do with a room spruce up. Fresh paint and the like, a bit of furniture and accessories so I've decided this is what I want to do with it as a surprise for him (he's only 3) and his room at the moment hasn't really had much effort put into it yet if that makes sense.

My husband is pulling his face at my choice of how to spend this money. Namely because of my step kids and how unfair it apparently is.

DSC stay 3 nights a week and have a room which they share which was done about about the time DS was born. There's nothing wrong with it.

AIBU to say this is what I'm doing with this money and I'm not going to be guilted about it? My gran will love the fact that I've treated DS (she adores him) with it and I want her see we've done something nice for him with it that will last a while.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 22/02/2022 18:40

Your DH is coming across as a neglectful parent who wants to take the credit for the use of your money on his kids while doing nothing for them himself. Very unattractive

Fredstheteds · 22/02/2022 18:44

Your child as from his granny or great granny

Grandville · 22/02/2022 18:47

The room sounds gross. Wrappers can attract vermin. DH needs to blitz it then enforce ongoing basic standards.

Cocomarine · 22/02/2022 18:49

At what point 3 years and 9 months ago did you say to yourself, “yeah, a dirty pig of a man that leaves his children on unwashed sheets - that’s who I want to father my child.”?

He’s awful.

NewYearNewMinty · 22/02/2022 18:50

I'd work how much your son's room will cost and if there's a bit left over suggest to your DH that if he and his kids want to have a good sort out of their room, they can choose something each worth say £25 as a treat.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2022 18:52

It's interesting that he is hyper-vigilant about fairness but is not hyper-vigilant when it comes to keeping his children's room clean and tidy and safe.

Ask him how he'd feel if his children's teacher or a social worker saw their room. Would they think the children were well cared for?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 22/02/2022 18:52

@Aderyn21

Omg, what is it with men who think that their wives' money should be appropriated for their kids? Especially when the money is coming from the wife's family, who are not related to the step children! Yanbu at all - you are perfect entitled to spend your money on your child. Husband is being a cheeky fucker and can spend his own if he feels strongly about it!
this!!
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 18:53

[quote HarrySwotter]@SleepingStandingUp haha I like it.

Tbf DS's room was "done" when he was born. Just not overly so. It was painted and a few shelves put up and a toy box kind of thing but not themed or really done nice which is what I want to do.[/quote]
Seriously tho
Most of the cost is because he needs a bit of furniture too
Is there money in the joint to buy him what stuff he NEEDS - I'm assuming full sized bed, possibly wardrobes, bookcase? And to spend some (I mean tell crappy daddy well there's money there) on the basics for DSCs room? The thing about spending it all on it is how long will it last and what will you both have to remember your Nan by when he's 8 and crazy about Sonic not frogs. I'd at least make sure you get yourself something (piece of jewellery, nice day out alone etc) and something for DS (a classic book you can read him now and he can read himself later?) so there's something to keep

EmpressCixi · 22/02/2022 18:55

I agree the £400 is your money to spend as you like.

However, I am very concerned about the DSC and you allowing him to neglect them in your own home. This is terrible and you share some responsibility for three of them sharing one rubbish filled, filthy room with broken blinds/furniture and sleeping on dirty sheets. While your dear son has a tidy, clean and about to be redecorates room to himself.

Social services would find you complicit in his neglect. You either need to get him to step up, do some cleaning yourself as a stepparent or report him to social services. No one should sit and watch children living in such squalor and shrug it off as “not my circus, not my monkeys” as a pp put it. Would you just sit by if he started to hit them? Neglect is a form of child abuse too you know.

Stressedout1009 · 22/02/2022 18:57

Why can't you say that your dcs gran wanted to treat him, if the SC notices? That is the truth and surely they would understand this as they have their own gp's?

bigbluebus · 22/02/2022 18:57

If the SC complain about your DS having new things for his room whilst they've had nothing, I'd be marching them to their room and pointing out how they would have a nice room if they just tidied it up. They are old enough to clean up after themselves but it beeds to be modelled - by their DF! Your DH could either fix the blind or get a new one fairly cheaply I'm sure.

Campervangirl · 22/02/2022 18:58

This really irritates me, dsc must be treated like little gods whilst the dm must ensure the DC that live in the house full time don't have anything if the dsc don't get the same 🙄 even though they have another home and receive gifts, outings etc from the other parent and their family.

I was a step parent, it's an absolute thankless task, walking on eggshells in case you come across as mean, unfair or favouring your own child, woe betide you if you upset the little darlings.

The day I walked away after 17yrs of putting up with dsc and their Disney dad was the best day of my life, I never looked back, never missed any of them and just breathe a huge sigh of relief that I'm free from it all.

However, I digress 😁 it's your money to spend how you want, it's nothing to do with dsc, they probably get plenty and get plenty when they are with their dm, don't give in op or it will never end, set your stall out now

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 18:58

It absolutely is something lovely for you too, it should be. We’ve spent a lot of money and plenty of time decorating rooms for my DSC. It’s the first thing we’ve done each time we’ve moved house, put lots of thought, effort and resources into making their space comfortable and nice. It was a huge joy for me to do the same for our DD when she finally got a room of her own (at 2!) as we’d been prioritising space for DSV and DH wfh. He’s your only son. Doing nice things for him, the planning, the shopping, the decorating etc can all be great fun. I’m sure like me you’ve spent years making an effort for your DSC and continue to do so, so you should definitely have a chance to splash out on your son.

Ludo19 · 22/02/2022 19:05

Do your wee boys room OP.

Original poster
HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 19:05

@Cocomarine

At what point 3 years and 9 months ago did you say to yourself, “yeah, a dirty pig of a man that leaves his children on unwashed sheets - that’s who I want to father my child.”?

He’s awful.

They actually seem to have gotten worse with tidiness as they've got older. It likely.is because they've never really been made to clean up after themselves.

I went through a stage of doing a lot of it, wrongly I see now. Which I am no longer doing.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 22/02/2022 19:06

I don't think you should feel obligated to spend any of it on the SC however I have a guilty conscience so I prob would use a small amount of it and take them out to eat or buy them a tshirt or something. It's not much but it's something.

RockstarDotCom · 22/02/2022 19:11

So you’re living with a bloke who doesn’t parent his children and let’s them live in a dirty room filled with mess and rubbish and he doesn’t change their bedding often. That’s neglect. I’d be dumping the husband. Poor kids.

Cocomarine · 22/02/2022 19:13

@HarrySwotter I would be very surprised if a man who can leave his children sleeping on dirty bed linen morphed into a useless father over the last 4 years 🤷🏻‍♀️
Your standards are too low.
I don’t know how you can stand for him leaving their bedding unwashed. I’m all for the argument of them being old enough to wash it themselves - but until that happens, he should be standing over them until the beds are stripped, or doing every fortnight after they leave himself.
What a pig of a man.

Radiohat · 22/02/2022 19:19

I think you should spend your money in a way that will make you happy, nice things for your sons room should not be an issue.
I do however feel sorry for step children if their room is such a pit. I wonder if their other bedroom at their moms house is the same ? It sounds like they are not part of the family life in your home maybe you and hubby could work together and make some ground rules. It must be absolutely horrible for them having such a vile sounding room . Some kids & adults are untidy and need guidance and a bit of support.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 19:42

I think your partner probably warrants a seperate thread @HarrySwotter

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 19:44

What do people expect OP to do? If she’d started this post complaining they don’t look after their room or their belongings and she wanted to either sort it for them or make them do it she’d have been told to wind her neck in, remember they’re not her kids, they have two parents and it’s none of her fucking business, even though it’s in her house. She’d be told her standards are too high, it’s up to mum and dad how they choose to raise their kids.

She’s done what people always suggest which is to leave it to their dad, not invade their private space and respect the (grim) way they choose to live.

She can’t force their dad to force them to do it. She can’t force him to do it. She’s talked to him, a lot by the sounds of things, and tried to get him to get on top of it. She is, let’s not forget, just their step mum, their dad’s partner/wife. They’re not her children. She’s got a child and she’s allowed to bring him up differently and to make him a lovely bedroom she’ll then teach him to care for.

affairsofdragons · 22/02/2022 19:55

Agree with AnneLovesGilbert entirely.

lunar1 · 22/02/2022 20:00

I have no idea what anyone can find attractive or loveable about these shit men who aren't able to care properly for any of their children.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 20:01

Well said @AnneLovesGilbert, completely agree.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 20:08

I am all for being fair but that doesn’t mean everyone has to get treated exactly the same at the exact same time.

Me and my siblings never had our rooms done up at the same time as we couldn’t afford it. So one of us would get it done and then a few months later the other one would get it done.

I was going to say absolutely do DSs room up with it.
However it sounds like DSCs room could do with it more.

What are your finances like?
You don’t need to spend a lot as you can get a lot of things cheap or free second hand on places like Freecycle.

I would spend the majority on DS having it properly done up like new carpets and drawers etc which can be costly and then I would use some to get the DSC new blinds and sheets etc too to make it more habitable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread