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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to spend this money how I like?

127 replies

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 16:01

I've just received a small amount of money from my Gran. She'd sold something and had given all her grandkids some money from it (£400) to treat ourselves and her great grand kids (me and one cousin have DC).

DS really could do with a room spruce up. Fresh paint and the like, a bit of furniture and accessories so I've decided this is what I want to do with it as a surprise for him (he's only 3) and his room at the moment hasn't really had much effort put into it yet if that makes sense.

My husband is pulling his face at my choice of how to spend this money. Namely because of my step kids and how unfair it apparently is.

DSC stay 3 nights a week and have a room which they share which was done about about the time DS was born. There's nothing wrong with it.

AIBU to say this is what I'm doing with this money and I'm not going to be guilted about it? My gran will love the fact that I've treated DS (she adores him) with it and I want her see we've done something nice for him with it that will last a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 17:58

@crosstalk

I would put £300 into a savings account for him.

I would then scout charity shops or Ebay for stuff you can get him. At his age he would like comfort, books and whatever. £100 should do it.

I know I could do it for less. The point is I don't really want to. I want to do it nicely and spend a bit of money on it.

I appreciate as PP said, this is also for me. Which I accept.

get the DSCs a token gift from their step grandma

She's not really their step grandma. She's my grandma so my son's great grandma and shes only met my step children about twice.

OP posts:
gogohm · 22/02/2022 17:58

Yanbu but their dad needs to get the dsc room sorted, sounds like it's not money but time that's needed

Original poster
HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 18:00

It's not even that he doesn't have the money for a spare blind, he just hasn't bothered. He could get a new rug if he wanted although imo it would be a waste of money until they started taking better care of their room as the same thing would probably just happen again.

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 22/02/2022 18:00

This is why I'd never blend 2 lots of kids myself as I can't even decide what is fair. It is so complicated. The stepkids get financial input from 2 households. DC that belongs to new wife/partner get 1. I could probably justify spending a bit of inheritance on a biological child but, say, a work bonus? Not sure.

Original poster
HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 18:01

@ddshocker

To be honest if you're saying that you normally don't have spare money then the 400 would be going into a savings account for a real emergency...
We have savings for things on the house and a holiday which we don't touch.

This is spare, which no I don't usually just have £400 I can spend as I choose (savings aside).

OP posts:
Dracoceratosaurus · 22/02/2022 18:08

Don't get me started on this topic!
I was once called by the mother of ex-boyfriend's son, to say that I was treating her son unfairly.
I had bought my daughters bunk beds as a joint birthday gift.
Her son was 19 years old, I had him full time, it was NOT his birthday, and he was refusing to work or attend college. He paid me zero rent, and ate most of our food. Oh, and he moved his girlfriend in via stealth (although she was lovely).
I miss them both terribly. NOT!

Rant over! Sounds like the extra bits in his room would make a difference to your little one, and this is important as he is with you full time. He only has one bedroom, and it would be lovely for your Gran to have contributed to getting it finished.

My 14 year old needs new furniture, but until she can learn to put rubbish in the bin, and clothes in the laundry basket - no new furniture. Like you, I despair of the unnecessary carnage.
It shouldn't be rewarded!

Jux · 22/02/2022 18:12

I would tell dh: "When they keep their room nice I would consider doing it up, but until they keep it clean, tidy and don't break things then I am not wasting another moment of my time effort or money on their room."

They would need to respect their space for at least 6 months before I'd even think about it. Year 6 and secondary? Far too old to treat their room like that. Up to their dad if he wants to do it for them, but that would be stupid; he could supervise though.

SeasonFinale · 22/02/2022 18:14

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

Maybe the older children still need help to keep a tidy room. My DD is 13, so year 9 and she still doesn't have the independence skills needed to clean her own room. She does it with help.
That's on you then. A 13 year old is perfectly capable of changing their bed and keeping their room clean without any assistance.
affairsofdragons · 22/02/2022 18:15

@Helendee

Personally I would do what you want with the money but make sure the sc get something as well. I’m with your dh on fairness.
SC have extended relatives of their own and 2 parents that are responsible for their own treats.

OP's son shouldn't have to go without treats from his own extended family or parent out of some misguided sense of 'fairness'.

Whitney168 · 22/02/2022 18:16

These are two very different problems, I think.

I don't think there is fundamentally an issue with decorating your son's room - he is older, his needs have changed.

There is a huge issue around your step-kids though, and it does seem that leaving things to continue as they are in their room while making your son's room lovely, cleaning it well, changing bedding regularly etc. when they are allowed to live in a mess is a huge problem that isn't (entirely, they are old enough to keep it tidier) of their own making.

Irrespective of how much is done to your son's room, theirs has to be addressed. Not cleaning it or changing their bedroom is neglect. He has to sort this.

Daleksatemyshed · 22/02/2022 18:19

So basically your DH thinks you should spend your DG's money on making his DC's room nicer as well as your DS? My answer would be I'm not throwing good money away on their room until they learn to take care of it. I wouldn't replace blinds/carpets etc just for them to spoil them again.
Trouble is, it's not their fault, their DF needs to pull them up on the mess and show them how to keep their room nice. Time for a few straight words Op, he doesn't get to complain about unfairness and then leave his kids to live in filth

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/02/2022 18:19

So basically your DH doesn't bother to parent or clean after his kids?

Regular hoovering,dusting,window cleaning and bedding changing should be done by him.

He needs to enforce rules about their bedroom;no food or drink with the exception of a water bottle in the bedroom,toys to tided away before leaving and beds being made in the morning,dirty washing put in the laundry hamper etc

If he's so keen on their room being done up he can foot the bill.

This is money given to you for you and your child.It's £400 not £4000

MintyFreshBreath · 22/02/2022 18:19

Even if they were all your bio kids, you’d probably only do one room at a time. £400 is only really enough to do one room nicely. I’m just about to recarpet a 3x 4m bedroom and that’s £300 plus ffs. He needs to get a grip.

TravellingFrom · 22/02/2022 18:20

Well… you have a DH problem there.
The fact he is doing so little parenting with his dcs, to the point that bed sheets aren’t even changed for weeks…. That would be a big issue for me tbh.

Why is he not parenting his dcs?
Why is he basically leaving you do all the domestic work? I imagine he is doing the same with your ds?

I am not even sure he is that concerned about fairness when he is refusing to make the effort to do the same for his dcs and would prefer that none have anything instead (that’s the ‘let’s put that money in the COMMON saving pot’).

Fwiw the dsc will get presents/money etc… from their mum side if the family. Your ds gets stuff from your side of the family. All fair imo.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2022 18:22

@HarrySwotter

Not sure when he last went in but that is one thing I do absolutely insist on. I won't have plates and cups going mouldy upstairs so they do get told to bring anything like that down every time they stay.
My kids were never allowed food in their room.

I don't think that's an unreasonable rule

Jewel52 · 22/02/2022 18:22

Tricky because the instinctive response is that this money came from your side of the family. However, if you’re really going to be one big happy family then I think you need to look at improving both bedrooms. But, since your step kids are older and more aware of their environment, i’d Make a big deal of what you’ve done to give them such a lovely room and make clear that you want it maintained

TravellingFrom · 22/02/2022 18:23

Irrespective of how much is done to your son's room, theirs has to be addressed. Not cleaning it or changing their bedroom is neglect. He has to sort this.

On the other side, at their age, my dcs were changing their bed very week in their own. Yes they needed to be reminded but they didn’t need someone to do it for them.
Same with hoovering.
Thé issue isn’t that no one is changing the beds for then etc… it’s that no one is parenting them and teaching them how to do it/expect them to do it.

TurquoiseDragon · 22/02/2022 18:24

@HarrySwotter

He's always so hyper vigilant about "fairness" it's annoying after a while.
Being "fair" does not mean everything has to be exactly equal.

Go ahead and spend on your son. Youor DH or his parents can cough up if he wants the DSC's room doing up.

CambsAlways · 22/02/2022 18:26

Agree with sleepingstandingup

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 18:29

You need to say to him your children have two parents providing for them.
Our son has two parents providing for him.
What you want is two parents providing for our child and three providing for yours and you call this fair. It's not fair.

The parents of each child providing for that child is fair. Unless your ex wants to chip in for our son to make it fair. Would you like to ask her or should I?

SandyY2K · 22/02/2022 18:32

Do what you like with your money. He's rather cheeky to even suggest spending it on his kids room. Shame on him for suggesting money from your Gran goes towards this.

Chloemol · 22/02/2022 18:32

DS has grown now from a baby when you last did his room

Therefore spend it on that

I would be pointing out to your husband that as his kids can’t take care of what they have you are not wasting money on them, there is n9 need for them to break blinds or trash rooms

They can tidy the room up, prove they can keep it tidy then perhaps it can be refreshed with painting the walls, rug for the floor and new blind, amd that gives him time to save up for it

TurquoiseDragon · 22/02/2022 18:35

I've just re-read all the OP's posts again..

DH sounds like an uninvolved parent. He's the one who should be putting some discipline onto his DC. FFS, they're old enough to do basic chores and keep their room clean. Mine did at that age, and I am pretty laid back. I do expect people living in the house to do a fair share.

And I wonder if DH would include OP's DS if the DSC got some money spent on them by their mum's side of the family (as this is the closest equivalent) or if he'd say that the money should all be spent on the DSC, as their mum's family aren't related to OP's DS.

cherish123 · 22/02/2022 18:36

It's up to you how you spend it.

anotherneutralname · 22/02/2022 18:37

@WouldIwasShookspeared

You need to say to him your children have two parents providing for them. Our son has two parents providing for him. What you want is two parents providing for our child and three providing for yours and you call this fair. It's not fair.

The parents of each child providing for that child is fair. Unless your ex wants to chip in for our son to make it fair. Would you like to ask her or should I?

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