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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP & SS

97 replies

milkpan · 21/02/2022 17:41

Its half term, for both my dd (9) & Dp's ds (13 who lives with his mum)

I am working from home this week, which will already be a struggle as I need to have things for dd to do in order for me to work.

Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours.

Dp will be out everyday at work.

I didn't say anything but was a bit annoyed, it will be tricky enough with dd now I need to also have dss! Yes he is 13, but its still another person to look after whilst im trying to work, not to mention the potential of dd & dss arguing. I am also pregnant and knackered! Don't really need anymore people to look after / pick up after.

I guess he assumed as he does look after my dd for me occasionally if i need to do something that it is a given i have his dss without the need to ask.

This just feels different as I will be working but maybe I am BU?

OP posts:

Susu49 · 22/02/2022 13:52

Nope, you're not bu - your dp is taking the p*ss

Frannibananni · 22/02/2022 14:04

Yabu . He’s 13 and it is his Dads home. And DPdoes help with your child.

girlmom21 · 22/02/2022 14:07

Tell him you can't care for him. You're working. If DP wants him there he can take some time off.

Sportslady44 · 22/02/2022 14:10

how does he know he has nothing to do this week?

hasnt his mum planned anything with him or anything planned with friends?

TheSnowyOwl · 22/02/2022 14:15

Why doesn’t your DSS have anything to do? Surely at 13 he has friends and plans. What did you say when your DP brought it up? YABU to not say anything.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/02/2022 14:16

Surely it's his home too? My dc aren't dh's. One day ds 14 announced he was coming to live with us full time.
My dh went to collect him and all his stuff. No conversation necessary..
Ime one day this could be you op.
Would you really say no?

Cognoscenti · 22/02/2022 14:19

YANBU, he can of course come over, but you're working so can't be expected to look after him. Either DP takes the time off, or DSS amuses himself while he's there.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 22/02/2022 14:34

He has nothing to do well unfortunately what can you do about that if your both working?. I’d say he can visit but he needs to have a plan how he's spending the week . It’s too short notice for you or dh to plan anything as your working . Your wfh what would happen if you were in the office?

Dontbeme · 22/02/2022 14:49

Why would a 13 year old boy want to spend his time hanging out with his dad'd pregnant and WFH DP and the DP's 9 year old daughter? Your DP can take time of work to entertain his son if he's that fussed.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/02/2022 14:50

The boy wants to be in his own home. . Personally take it as a compliment.

incognitoforthisone · 22/02/2022 15:46

I'm confused. Do you and DP live together, with your daughter? If so, then he's doing more than 'helping out occasionally' with her; he's living with her 24/7. And if that's the case YABU not to have your stepson over during the week; it's DSS's home too.

However, if what you're saying is that you and DP live apart and DP has suggested that his son come to your house rather than DP's because he'll be bored on his own at DP's, then I'd say DP is BU.

ChocolateMassacre · 22/02/2022 15:47

I think you're being a little bit unreasonable in not having camps/childcare organised for your DD, at least for part of the week. It's going to be a very boring week for her. Could you call in some favours and arrange a couple of playdates for her?

However, I entirely get your point that wfh with one child can tip over into being unmanageable with 2 children, especially if they quarrel. Make it clear to your DH that you're planning to set your DD up with an activity/screen-time and then close the door on her in order to get your work done. So not exactly fun for DSS - he'll essentially be coming to yours to be ignored for the week!

Is it an option to book a babysitter for part of the week (maybe a few hours each morning) so you can shut the door on the pair of them and just concentrate on work?

Or could you maybe take one day of AL to do a fun trip somewhere with both of them and DSS stays at his mum's the rest of the time? DP could also book a day off to take both children out somewhere and then it's only 3 days that they're stuck in their (respective) boring homes with working parents.

Clearly you have no responsibility for DSS but you've said that your DP does help with your DD sometimes. And your DP should be helping his ex with DSS over half-term.

user1471457751 · 22/02/2022 15:49

I wonder if those slating the partner would also criticise the OP given she says her partner looks after her daughter. Surely this is just quid pro quo

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 15:50

No. You are working. YANBU.

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 15:50

@user1471457751

I wonder if those slating the partner would also criticise the OP given she says her partner looks after her daughter. Surely this is just quid pro quo

I'd be interested if the DP looks after her daughter whilst he's trying to work. My guess would be no.

Susu49 · 22/02/2022 16:00

@user1471457751

I wonder if those slating the partner would also criticise the OP given she says her partner looks after her daughter. Surely this is just quid pro quo

It's not unreasonable to look after her step son (or for him to be at his dads family home) but it is unreasonable to increase her supervision responsibilities when she's working from home, as it would be for an employee wfh.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/02/2022 16:08

I’d say he can come but you’re working so he has to amuse himself.

Maybe he could be helpful and take your dd to the park or something while you work?

Awrite · 22/02/2022 16:11

Surely a 13 year old doesn't need looking after.

lanthanum · 22/02/2022 16:27

"Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours. "

Since you are working, he's not going to have any more to do at yours. So no.

(It might be different if he were similar age to DD and they would be company for each other, but probably not with that age gap.)

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 16:32

What is it that he can "do" at your house? Why would him having nothing to do at his Mum's mean he'd want to come and sit in a house with you whilst you're trying to work?

lockdownalli · 22/02/2022 17:12

Completely taking the piss. I would have refused.

Purplelion · 22/02/2022 17:16

I think you are BU, he’s 13 sh surely won’t need looking after? He’s old enough to make the decision that he wants to spend time at his dads house and shouldn’t feel like that’s not ok.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 17:17

YANBU.

You have enough on your plate.

Is he usually so inconsiderate of you, your time, and your condition when HE isn't around?

gogohm · 22/02/2022 17:20

Can't he entertain your dd for a modest bit of pocket money, problem solved. At 13 money is usually the trick to getting them to help. 13 year olds don't need looking after really, mine were home alone at that age

HarrySwotter · 22/02/2022 17:22

@Purplelion

I think you are BU, he’s 13 sh surely won’t need looking after? He’s old enough to make the decision that he wants to spend time at his dads house and shouldn’t feel like that’s not ok.

Hmmm...

I'm on the fence with these comments.

Just because a child can't go into their parents house whenever they like doesn't mean it's not their home.

My home is my son's home, but he can't be there unless I am because he's a child and he requires care. A 13 year old is still a child and shouldn't be home alone for extended periods of time so no they can't just "choose to go to Dad's house" whenever they want if he's not in.

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