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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP & SS

97 replies

milkpan · 21/02/2022 17:41

Its half term, for both my dd (9) & Dp's ds (13 who lives with his mum)

I am working from home this week, which will already be a struggle as I need to have things for dd to do in order for me to work.

Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours.

Dp will be out everyday at work.

I didn't say anything but was a bit annoyed, it will be tricky enough with dd now I need to also have dss! Yes he is 13, but its still another person to look after whilst im trying to work, not to mention the potential of dd & dss arguing. I am also pregnant and knackered! Don't really need anymore people to look after / pick up after.

I guess he assumed as he does look after my dd for me occasionally if i need to do something that it is a given i have his dss without the need to ask.

This just feels different as I will be working but maybe I am BU?

OP posts:
TDCtomorrow · 22/02/2022 18:46

@Ramalamadingdongs

I'm not allowed to be caring for children while I'm wfh. What's your employer got to say about it?
WTAF. How do they think they can enforce that. The kids were off school for months and people forced to WFH what did they expect you to do with the kids?
OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 18:48

Do your children get to come and go as they please when you're not in?

I've let myself in after school when my parents have been out at 13. Could be left alone for a few hours while my parents went into town and I was 11, didn't want to go. Why would it be an issue?

Why would a 13 year old letting themselves into the home without the parents being home be an issue, because they would be alone, but them going into town to buy some clothes or walking down the local park alone wouldn't be ?

Original poster
milkpan · 22/02/2022 18:49

@TuscanApothecary

Also it does depend on your dss behaviour and the relationship you have with him.

Is he a standard teen ie mostly polite, you can tell him to bring down and wash up his cups without any hassle, your relationship with him is pretty OK.

Or is he a nightmare teen?

He has his moments, i'd say 50/50 behaviour wise. Which is another reason it puts me off as what if that happens when im On a call.

Dd will literally do an activity i set up for her for hours and be no trouble. Maybe the difference between girls and boys?! I dont know.

In terms of why he has nothing to do this half term, it's always pretty much been like that. Dp never has him half terms thats the arrangement as we have him in the summer. When he is with us we always plan things, his mum seems to be ok with him sitting on the x box all day. Thats not a dig either, just how it is.

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 22/02/2022 18:50

@toomuchlaundry

13yo can pretty much look after themselves especially if they like gaming and can interact with their mates that way.

I actually think you are more unreasonable not having anything in place for your 9yo, they are not quite so independent.

How often does the 13yo stay at yours normally?

Why not doing at his mum house? What’s going to be different between the two places if it’s all about gaming?

The fact dss was talking ‘having nothing to do this week’ means he is expecting to have something to do at his dad’s.
What has his dad planned? Nothing. He has nicely given the OP all the responsibility.
What will the OP be able to do? Well very little seeing that she IS WORKING.

Having said that @milkpan, why didn’t you say NO when your DH told you that?
Or reminded him that you are working and won’t be able to do anything with dss so he has to organise something?
Don’t be a martyr.
Don’t take on work that isnt yours.

sadpapercourtesan · 22/02/2022 18:51

@HarrySwotter

I don't think it would be reasonable to say he can't come, as it is his father's home, so he has a right to be there.

His father isn't there though and he's a child. Do your children get to come and go as they please when you're not in? (Unless you have older teenagers).

It's perfectly normal for children only to be in their home when their parents are.

My step son couldn't just say right now "I want to go to my mum's". Because he's a child and she's not in so he can't go.

At 13? Yes, of course my children can be in the house without me at 13! Not overnight, but during the day, absolutely. It's completely normal, especially during school holidays when both parents WOTH.
TravellingFrom · 22/02/2022 18:53

But yes it's only that i am at home he expects me to have dss, given that i already tried to find childcare for her surely that communicates the fact the children here during the working day, wfh or not is not really the best option.

Don’t expect anyone to understand something isn’t ok just because ‘having done A and B, it communicates that ….’
Be blunt. Very blunt.
This is not possible because …..

Your dss will expect day out and stuff planned for him like you do during the summer. A day gaming with nothing else is t going to go down well with him.
But it’s YOU who will end up in trouble when he kicks off because he is bored.

Original poster
milkpan · 22/02/2022 18:53

@TravellingFrom I think it is just the guilt because he naturally does more for my dd based on him being here 24/7, vs mine and dss's interaction time. I guess that does just come with living with someone with a child.

That being said, if i ever need him to have her alone whilst i pop out i will always ask and give as much notice as possible i never just assume he will.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 22/02/2022 18:53

I think you're getting a little preview of maternity leave OP where your DP will helpfully line up stuff for you to take care of as "you're home and doing nothing anyway". Why does he think your job can accommodate childcare that's not needed, I would be nipping it in the bud and taking my work seriously even if he doesn't.

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 18:55

The fact dss was talking ‘having nothing to do this week’

Could it be he has nothing to do, so he doesn't have to stay at his mums? Like he has no activities plans with friends etc so he has time he could go to his dad's. Yes, his dad is working, but he will see him in the evenings wouldn't he.

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 18:57

You're having your own child with this man, who is going to be a sibling to this boy. I think at that point it's a family unit and it's not just his dad's responsibility to look after him, you are a family.

Would he not be permitted to come around and stay if he wanted to see and spend time with his sibling, because his dad isn't home?

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 19:00

I think the issue is the assumption. but i guess he assumed, like many are in this thread, that the 13 year old would pretty much keep to themselves and see their dad in the evenings. Maybe he could watch a film with DD etc, and it would be good for him to be around her if they are family now.

My cousin's used to come around and they were younger than me, and I would play video games with them, age appropriate, could he do this?

It could end up being helpful

Chloemol · 22/02/2022 19:05

But you are working

So ask him how you are going to do that and look after two kids?

He wants his kid there he can take time off and look after both

Original poster
milkpan · 22/02/2022 19:29

@OshaOsha

You're having your own child with this man, who is going to be a sibling to this boy. I think at that point it's a family unit and it's not just his dad's responsibility to look after him, you are a family.

Would he not be permitted to come around and stay if he wanted to see and spend time with his sibling, because his dad isn't home?

100%, he can come anytime he wants. Just not when im working....
OP posts:
OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 19:40

I personally don't see how you working makes a difference with a 13-year-old. Does he have his own room there? Surely he'd be shut away in there most of the day and come out for dinner and to see his dad when he's back from work.

But, you know him I guess... Is he the type to cause problems? If he is then I could understand he could make working harder

PhoenixReincarnated · 22/02/2022 19:41

OP I think you should tell your DP that DSS is more than welcome to come to yours but you will be working so not free to entertain him. Point out that the only reason your DD is not at the childminders is because the childminder has covid and you have stuff arranged for her to do so you can continue to work.

ilovemyboys3 · 22/02/2022 20:16

Tbh I wouldn't want my step children round if I was working and their dad wasn't here to entertain. He had a mum who can look after him it just appears she cba maybe. Tell him no.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2022 20:18

Do you have a better Xbox? When DS was 13 I was working PT in an office, on those days he would be at home on his own.

Maybe he would prefer being in a house with someone there, even if he doesn’t actually interact with you

19lottie82 · 22/02/2022 20:20

Unless there’s a back story, this seems a little unfair. It’s your DSSs home too. And he’s not a little kid that needs constant supervision, surely he can entertain himself? However, I’d make it clear that he understands you are WFH so will be busy all day.

Retrievemysanity · 22/02/2022 20:33

This seems bizarre to me. Can see you having issues if it was an under 8 but a 13 year old is surely no trouble? My 11 and 13 year olds don’t require any input from me these days, I have to beg them to play a board game or go for a walk! What is it you expect to be doing with him that will prevent you working?!

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/02/2022 20:46

That being said, if i ever need him to have her alone whilst i pop out i will always ask and give as much notice as possible i never just assume he will.

Looking after your DD 'while you pop out' is not at all the same as a full week while you're WFH. Does DH generally downplay your work or has this taken him by surprise?

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:06

@HarrySwotter yes at 13 mine would as I would of been at work so they would of been home
Hes not a little child , he shouldn't need that much looking after
Its the 9 year old I feel sorry for

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:07

@HarrySwotter well thats easy then you say up to your mum or dad and with phones etc its not hard nowadays
The op partner looks after her child too

Original poster
milkpan · 22/02/2022 21:08

[quote worriedatthemoment]@HarrySwotter yes at 13 mine would as I would of been at work so they would of been home
Hes not a little child , he shouldn't need that much looking after
Its the 9 year old I feel sorry for [/quote]
Don't worry about my 9 year old she has an array of things to do, plus plans after i finish work. Its 3 days. Not a year

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:10

@TDCtomorrow they expect you to use childcare like before , during covid it was different as exceptional circumstances
My company is the same they want you working not looking after young children
How can you do both anyway say if you have to work 9-5

TDCtomorrow · 22/02/2022 21:14

[quote worriedatthemoment]@TDCtomorrow they expect you to use childcare like before , during covid it was different as exceptional circumstances
My company is the same they want you working not looking after young children
How can you do both anyway say if you have to work 9-5[/quote]
But there was no childcare during all the lockdowns.

My DD was 7 when we had the first lockdown. I WFH looked after her and tried to do school work. My employers knew we had no choice but to have the kiss's home

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