DP & SS

[milkpan]

Its half term, for both my dd (9) & Dp's ds (13 who lives with his mum)

I am working from home this week, which will already be a struggle as I need to have things for dd to do in order for me to work.

Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours.

Dp will be out everyday at work.

I didn't say anything but was a bit annoyed, it will be tricky enough with dd now I need to also have dss! Yes he is 13, but its still another person to look after whilst im trying to work, not to mention the potential of dd & dss arguing. I am also pregnant and knackered! Don't really need anymore people to look after / pick up after.

I guess he assumed as he does look after my dd for me occasionally if i need to do something that it is a given i have his dss without the need to ask.

This just feels different as I will be working but maybe I am BU?

Point out that he'll still have nothing to do, just in a different house, and ask why that's better.

In answering that, it will be clearer what your DP expects and he'll realise it's unrealistic to think you'll entertain him somehow.

@picklemewalnuts

Point out that he'll still have nothing to do, just in a different house, and ask why that's better.

In answering that, it will be clearer what your DP expects and he'll realise it's unrealistic to think you'll entertain him somehow.

This would be the part that would worry me. The suggestion seems to be that your house will somehow be more fun or they'll be more to do.

Why is that? Because you certainly can't be expected to provide any entertainment or fun because you're working.

I'm not allowed to be caring for children while I'm wfh. What's your employer got to say about it?

I think I'd have another conversation (assuming it isn't already a done deal) and point out that DSS will be no less bored at your house considering you have to work and that you could do without another person to make lunch for/get disturbed by/feel responsible for the entertaining of etc and see what he (DP) says. I don't think the comparison with what he does for your DD is relevant tbh, he's presumably not trying to work at the same time as looking after her? If there were no other options for DSS I would probably do it but not for the reason given when your house will be no more exciting.

Would be different if dp said to you - I was thinking of asking dss if he wanted to stay for longer over half term, what do you think? Rather than it being sprung on you like this.

Personally I wouldn't like it. My ex husband used to do the same to me, or he would take a few days off to spend with dss but wouldn't get up and out the house till 2pm. Done my head in. My dc are fine to be home when WFH as they're teens, the sleep in, make their own food and have their own plans with friends. Saying that your dss is 13, I probably wouldn't mind a 13yr old that was self sufficient in making his own food, playing online or going out seeing his friends being around. It's when they're little it's hard work and unmanageable (depending on your dss personality).

I don't think a 13-yeae-old needs that much looking after tbh. They get fed what you cook for your DD. They entertain themselves mostly. He'll probably be watching Netflix, on the internet, playing video games, reading.

As long as your partner doesn't expect you to be doing activities with him and taking him out for the day, I think it's fine.

If DD wanted to go the park, you could probably convince DSS to take her for some pocket-money or something. If you would trust him to do that, I guess depends how far away your local park is.

He can make his own breakfast and sandwiches or whatever for lunch presumably.

Tbf though, he could do all the above at his own house.

Maybe his dad would like him to bond more with his step-sister?

He’s 13. How much looking after will he need?

@AchillesPoirot

He’s 13. How much looking after will he need?

Came on to say this. My 13 year has taken himself off swimming this morning and then to town for lunch. He's at a friend's house now. I don't expect him home until this evening.

The problem if you refuse is that your DP may well set up trench lines and refuse to look after or do any care whatsoever for your 9 year old.

And that's the beginning of the end really isn't it?

I wonder if you can come up with a compromise OP? Ask dp to take a day off work and take both dc out for a day. Ask dss to take dd to the park for pocket money another day, or the cinema ect if its close by. Make it work to your advantage a bit.

You really don't want to end up in a you won't do this for dp so he won't help you.

@Frannibananni

Yabu . He’s 13 and it is his Dads home. And DPdoes help with your child.

This

@Ramalamadingdongs

I'm not allowed to be caring for children while I'm wfh. What's your employer got to say about it?

A 13 year old sure wouldn't count as caring for children with your employer?

My 13 year has taken himself off swimming this morning and then to town for lunch. He's at a friend's house now. I don't expect him home until this evening.

In OPs shoes I'd want all of this planned and agreed with his parents first.

I have a SC this age thereabouts and I don't feel comfortable being the one to tell him "yes you can go here or there or with this person and that". I want his parents to okay that sort of stuff.

A situation where he's coming to you and saying "can I go into town with X friend until later on" for example, should absolutely be avoided. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that as a step parent.

I don't think it would be reasonable to say he can't come, as it is his father's home, so he has a right to be there. I do think you can set some boundaries on what you will and will not do for/with him. You're WFH, not SAHM and it needs to be clear to both DP and SS that he's expected to get his own food, entertain himself and keep the noise level down while you are working. Your DD will presumably be under similar rules. I'd leave easy food for them to help themselves to and check in on them every so often - you'd be doing that for DD anyway - so it shouldn't impact you too much that there's an extra child there.

If SS' behaviour is a problem to the extent that you can't work with him there, then DP will need to tackle that, and if it's really not workable he'll have to take time off. If your DD can behave herself while you're working, SS should be able to.

I don't think it would be reasonable to say he can't come, as it is his father's home, so he has a right to be there.

His father isn't there though and he's a child. Do your children get to come and go as they please when you're not in? (Unless you have older teenagers).

It's perfectly normal for children only to be in their home when their parents are.

My step son couldn't just say right now "I want to go to my mum's". Because he's a child and she's not in so he can't go.

@HarrySwotter

My 13 year has taken himself off swimming this morning and then to town for lunch. He's at a friend's house now. I don't expect him home until this evening.

In OPs shoes I'd want all of this planned and agreed with his parents first.

I have a SC this age thereabouts and I don't feel comfortable being the one to tell him "yes you can go here or there or with this person and that". I want his parents to okay that sort of stuff.

A situation where he's coming to you and saying "can I go into town with X friend until later on" for example, should absolutely be avoided. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that as a step parent.

Surely though that’s just a conversation with his dad about what he’s happy with his son doing/not doing and the general boundaries should already be common knowledge.

Surely though that’s just a conversation with his dad about what he’s happy with his son doing/not doing and the general boundaries should already be common knowledge.

It's each to their own of course.

I know my husband is happy with my step son going out to certain places with friends. But I would still want either he or his Mum to have said yes personally.

Also it does depend on your dss behaviour and the relationship you have with him.

Is he a standard teen ie mostly polite, you can tell him to bring down and wash up his cups without any hassle, your relationship with him is pretty OK.

Or is he a nightmare teen?

13yo can pretty much look after themselves especially if they like gaming and can interact with their mates that way.

I actually think you are more unreasonable not having anything in place for your 9yo, they are not quite so independent.

How often does the 13yo stay at yours normally?

@milkpan

Its half term, for both my dd (9) & Dp's ds (13 who lives with his mum)

I am working from home this week, which will already be a struggle as I need to have things for dd to do in order for me to work.

Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours.

Dp will be out everyday at work.

I didn't say anything but was a bit annoyed, it will be tricky enough with dd now I need to also have dss! Yes he is 13, but its still another person to look after whilst im trying to work, not to mention the potential of dd & dss arguing. I am also pregnant and knackered! Don't really need anymore people to look after / pick up after.

I guess he assumed as he does look after my dd for me occasionally if i need to do something that it is a given i have his dss without the need to ask.

This just feels different as I will be working but maybe I am BU?

So why didn't you say anything?

What's the point in DSS coming to you when you're both working?

Will he be able to still see his friends?

@user1471457751

I wonder if those slating the partner would also criticise the OP given she says her partner looks after her daughter. Surely this is just quid pro quo

But with discussion, surely?

Not a unilateral decision!

I wish people, particularly women, would give working at home the same "weight" as working in the office. Bad enough to be caring from one child when you're actually employed to be working for your employer, but why would anyone take on another?
Op and DP are both working all week. The difference is that he can just go to work whereas Op is expected to be in charge of childcare. Put it this way - what happened before Covid? You took time off to look after children, you didn't take them to work with you.

@HarrySwotter

What is it that he can "do" at your house? Why would him having nothing to do at his Mum's mean he'd want to come and sit in a house with you whilst you're trying to work?

Exactly! Nothing at all. Seems bizarre, surely he would be more comfortable doing nothing at home then here.

@Ramalamadingdongs

I'm not allowed to be caring for children while I'm wfh. What's your employer got to say about it?

They wont know! Needs must

@Metalguru22

I wish people, particularly women, would give working at home the same "weight" as working in the office. Bad enough to be caring from one child when you're actually employed to be working for your employer, but why would anyone take on another? Op and DP are both working all week. The difference is that he can just go to work whereas Op is expected to be in charge of childcare. Put it this way - what happened before Covid? You took time off to look after children, you didn't take them to work with you.

I agree with this.

We were stuck this week as childminder has covid and holiday clubs were booked up hence her having to stay with me 3 days (the other 2 i made arrangements for her to have fun days out) but needs must. I still have to work.

But yes it's only that i am at home he expects me to have dss, given that i already tried to find childcare for her surely that communicates the fact the children here during the working day, wfh or not is not really the best option.