Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP & SS

97 replies

milkpan · 21/02/2022 17:41

Its half term, for both my dd (9) & Dp's ds (13 who lives with his mum)

I am working from home this week, which will already be a struggle as I need to have things for dd to do in order for me to work.

Dp was talking about dss, saying he has nothing to do this week and maybe he might stay at ours.

Dp will be out everyday at work.

I didn't say anything but was a bit annoyed, it will be tricky enough with dd now I need to also have dss! Yes he is 13, but its still another person to look after whilst im trying to work, not to mention the potential of dd & dss arguing. I am also pregnant and knackered! Don't really need anymore people to look after / pick up after.

I guess he assumed as he does look after my dd for me occasionally if i need to do something that it is a given i have his dss without the need to ask.

This just feels different as I will be working but maybe I am BU?

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:16

@milkpan i read your update that was last minute so understandable but quite often you read that many who now WFH are no longer using childcare etc and holidays kids are left to devices , which is fine when older
I wfh too so not against it , mine are lot older and think its fine on occasions like emergencies to not have childcare etc like in your case but not all the time
Does you dh just want his son there so he can see him in the evening
I would be saying if he comes then he has to be mindful of you working and will be left to get on with it and any arguments he will have to come home and deal with it

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:17

@TDCtomorrow which is exactly why I said it was exceptional
We do have childcare now hence why work have changed policies
Its not the same as it was this time last year

TDCtomorrow · 22/02/2022 21:20

[quote worriedatthemoment]@TDCtomorrow which is exactly why I said it was exceptional
We do have childcare now hence why work have changed policies
Its not the same as it was this time last year [/quote]
That's awful. We've never been told this and I'm in financial services. My employers bends over backwards to make sure staff aren't put out unnecessarily

Momijin · 22/02/2022 21:27

Tell your DH no. You shouldn't even be having DD except childminder has covid.. he will be bored at yours.

But if he does end up coming, 13 year olds are self sufficient ime.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:30

@TDCtomorrow its not awful at all how do you look after a 5 year old and take calls from customers as well
Who is getting your attention
In my job we also have confidentiality at play its not for all ears

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:32

@TDCtomorrow would say its more awful someone working an 8 hr day at home whilst there young child is left to their own devices
One off occasions fair enough but say the whole six week holidays how is it that good

Arabellla · 22/02/2022 21:32

Definitely say no, OP. You only have dad at home because of a child minder issue.

TDCtomorrow · 22/02/2022 21:32

[quote worriedatthemoment]@TDCtomorrow its not awful at all how do you look after a 5 year old and take calls from customers as well
Who is getting your attention
In my job we also have confidentiality at play its not for all ears [/quote]
Well there's a difference between 5 & 7 so I don't have to give her constant attention.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 21:39

Where will your DD be going?

If she’s going to a holiday club can he not get a place there too?

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 21:42

Sorry just realised DD will be at home.

It’s fine for SDC to be at home too then and a 13 year old will be much easier than a 9 year old.
They’ll also be able to keep them occupied, give them food etc without disturbing you like a 9 year old would.

Bakewelltart987 · 22/02/2022 21:49

@HarrySwotter

I don't think it would be reasonable to say he can't come, as it is his father's home, so he has a right to be there.

His father isn't there though and he's a child. Do your children get to come and go as they please when you're not in? (Unless you have older teenagers).

It's perfectly normal for children only to be in their home when their parents are.

My step son couldn't just say right now "I want to go to my mum's". Because he's a child and she's not in so he can't go.

There is such a thing called a key you put it in the door and by some magic it opens. My ds13 has one and uses it to get in when am at work shock horror he's in the house when we're not.
What a silly thing to say. And why couldn't your ss just say I wanna go mums is he not old enough for that magical thing called a key yet?

Piggyk2 · 22/02/2022 21:54

@Dontbeme

Why would a 13 year old boy want to spend his time hanging out with his dad'd pregnant and WFH DP and the DP's 9 year old daughter? Your DP can take time of work to entertain his son if he's that fussed.

That's what most siblings do at home..... what will OP do with her own baby?!

My God.. I'm glad I don't have a blended family my mind boggles

Piggyk2 · 22/02/2022 21:57

@OshaOsha

You're having your own child with this man, who is going to be a sibling to this boy. I think at that point it's a family unit and it's not just his dad's responsibility to look after him, you are a family.

Would he not be permitted to come around and stay if he wanted to see and spend time with his sibling, because his dad isn't home?

This with bells on.

NumberTheory · 22/02/2022 22:13

Having children off school when you WFH only works if the children are reliably quiet and self directing (and hence, generally, harder with more than one).

Since DSS isn't reliably quiet and self-directed and he and DD don't always get on brilliantly your DP is putting your job at risk without even consulting you on it.

I think you need to tell him it's not doable. Explain why. Point out all the stuff you do do for DSS. Point out the way you go about asking him for help with DD and contrast that with what he's done here. And emphasise that you are actually working, that the situation with DD isn't ideal and that he doesn't appear to have considered risking his job to have DSS at home, so why is he risking yours?

Then you might go on to ask him if he really thinks DSS is going to have a better time at your house with nothing to do, having to be quiet during the day, all his stuff at his mum's and his dad leaving him in the distracted care of someone who has a job to do.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/02/2022 22:17

Imagine dss comes to live ft. How will you handle that? Dh resigns?

Lorw · 22/02/2022 22:17

YANBU. I don’t know what your 13yo SS is like OP but mine is a nightmare, had to have him when I was working from home once and it just was a tornado of mess everywhere and knocking on my office door every 5 mins because he was hungry (the only thing he can make without burning it or himself is toast), his computer wasn’t working properly (it was fine), he was bored etc etc 😂

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 22:40

I don’t know what your 13yo SS is like OP but mine is a nightmare

I would say a 9 year old is much more likely to need help with things.
Most 13 year olds are happy just sitting watch TV/playing on the computer - it’s getting them out of the house that’s a pain.

11stonesomething · 22/02/2022 22:51

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 22/02/2022 22:59

He's 13 FCS. Unless there is a drip feed coming about learning disabilities/ASD etc it's pretty easy to say "hey DSS, lovely to have you here. I'm going to be working from home all week but make yourself at home and help yourself to the fridge!"

BlondeWidow · 22/02/2022 23:46

Sorry to say it but it absolutely applies here - i knew he had child when you got together with him. That is his home.....

sunsshineshowerss · 23/02/2022 14:16

YABU

Are you a family or not?
Yes you are working but he's 13 not 3. He hardly needs taking care of, just a change of scenery it seems?
Jesus 🤨 your pregnant with his sibling maybe try and include him into the family and like you say your DP does look after your DD here and there.

Also why hasn't dad booked off any time over half term to spend with son. Someone asked why mum hasn't planned any activities - why hasn't dad either? This is how older children end up feeling angry and left out cos they get to a certain age and get forgotten about, younger siblings take over. Fair enough IF HE wants to game and do his own stuff but if he's actually bored like dad said why aren't his needs been met???

TarcasticSwat · 23/02/2022 14:38

It seems like you are deliberately trying to make a big deal out of this. He is 13 years old, he will be self-sufficient to find something to entertain himself. Your DD would be more of a handful but you've managed to find something for her (unsurprisingly). The tone of your language "DP looks after my DD" is rather concerning. You two are about to give your children a half sibling yet treat each other's children like separate commodities, I hope things improve by the time your new baby comes.

Flip

1 2 3 4