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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Daughter

107 replies

RusticChips · 19/02/2022 19:17

Daughter does not want anything to do with her Dad, long story, she is 27 years old. She has moved in with her boyfriend. Dad and I have been split for 10 years. Dad, my ex finally been trying to build some bridges with her but this is maybe a bit too late. He knew she was moving out but is really annoyed with me for not telling him actually when (a few weeks ago) and he was away anyway, we generally do not contact each other except when arranging contact with out youngest child. He is asking me for her address which she has asked me not to give to him. It is making me feel really uneasy, I have told him I cannot give him her address and have asked her to text it to him but he is adamant I should not keep it from him. What are your thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 20:44

Complicated

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 19/02/2022 20:47

Treat your daughter like any other adult and don’t give out personal data

Work on your relationship with her have you been passive and let her dad dominate?

UserWithNoUserName · 19/02/2022 20:47

If he wants to build bridges, he has other ways- letters, passing messages asking her to call/meet in public etc.
He just wants to encroach on her safe space, her home. Because he thinks he has the right to.

Loopytiles · 19/02/2022 20:54

Don’t be a ‘flying monkey’

BSideBaby · 19/02/2022 20:59

I'm surprised you feel the need to ask OP.

Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 21:06

nitsandwormsdodger - We have a good relationship, I've told her to read this thread. He has had no input into our lives for a long time. But since she had gone no contact with him in the last few years its like waving a red flag at him and all of a sudden he has realised what he is loosing.

OP posts:
Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 21:11

He's controlling behaviour is coming out x

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 19/02/2022 21:12

Do not give him her address. Fully respect and support your daughter's wishes.

My half sister once gave my address to my estranged father and I have never quite forgiven her. He got I touched and it was awful, intrusive and upsetting

To this day it makes me uncomfortable he has my address.

LakieLady · 19/02/2022 21:17

Your daughter is an adult and able to make her own choices!

You are absolutely right to refuse to give him her address and it would be very wrong to do so against her wishes.

What a tosser he is.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 21:33

They are adults. Let them sort it out.

You must not pass on her address, it’s a breach of trust. If he wants to write or send something, you can pass it on. He should not turn up at her door, so he really doesn’t need it.

Jellykat · 19/02/2022 21:41

Your daughter is 27, its her decision.. their relationship is for them to sort out.

I've been through similar, as the ex partner and mother to my DS1, and it was none of my business.
My only input was to tell my DS i'd support whatever he decided to do.

Gnomechange · 19/02/2022 21:41

Don’t give anyones personal data to anyone else. If he wants it, he can talk to her!

LoisLane66 · 19/02/2022 21:44

If he was really serious about contacting his daughter there are various legal ways he could find out. I guess that he thought asking his ex was the easiest option but it's right that you keep schtum.

Twilight7777 · 19/02/2022 21:47

As someone who is estranged from my narcissist father, I’d be furious if I was your adult daughter and you gave out my address. Do not give it to him

FAQs · 19/02/2022 21:55

OP has said she isn’t passing on the address!

Mamanyt · 19/02/2022 21:59

I'm so glad that you have decided NOT to give your ex your adult daughter's address, especially as she has already requested that you not do so. Had you given it to him, you might well have found her estranged from both of her parents! Stand firm, and if he persists, hang up on him. LOL, I've finally realized that, when people are trying to bully me on the phone, I can do that! What are they going to do about it, really?

Graphista · 19/02/2022 21:59

Complicated how? Because if he's as much a bully to the dc as he appears to be like hell would I be encouraging contact!

there are various legal ways he could find out.

I seriously hope not! If a 27 year old adult doesn't want anyone having their address that should be supported in law

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 19/02/2022 22:00

I doubt he realises what he is losing. The only thing he cares about is control hence why he's now using this situation to bully you. Stay strong.

Could someone else be the contact for arranging his contact with your younger DD? You don't need to expose yourself to his controlling behaviour Flowers

LoisLane66 · 19/02/2022 23:47

@Graphista
As another comment (earlier than mine you refer to) mentioned, he could easily find out her address and I amplified that by mentioning 'legal ways' meaning above board methods open to any member of the public.

Graphista · 20/02/2022 00:18

Is it really that easy to find someone's address against their wishes? During those times I was ex directory (still am) and wasn't on the visible electoral roll (I am now for credit history purposes)

LoisLane66 · 20/02/2022 10:21

@Graphista
You can be on the open (edited in NI) version and it won't affect your CR file in any way.
I have a password protected CF file and whoever needs info, such as a bank's underwriters if you're changing banks etc, will contact the bank internally and bank staff will ring and ask me for whatever password characters underwriters want, #6 & 3 for instance.
It has no impact on your credit history.

LoisLane66 · 20/02/2022 10:39

@Graphista.
..and yes, it's not difficult.
Think how many organisations have your name, DOB, address, landline and mobile numbers, email address, know how many people are in your household blah blah and that's just for starters
When you go on a website they often share information with 'trusted partners' 🙄 or third parties BEFORE they allow you to access the site proper. The list of those partners and 3rd parties is long, often over 100 and the data they share and can glean from your laptop or phone can include the number of devices your household is using, the type of device you are using, the IP address and much much more than I could possibly list here and you have to turn off the consent on each individual company/3rd party. Most of them are global so your info is everywhere and those companies share with others. Stopping the spread would be like trying to hold water in an open palm.
This data can be held for years and the time for which it's held is listed under the 'trusted partner' or company's name.
I actively do not sanction the use of my data in this way so I won't access the site. Press 'reject' but they often cite 'legitimate' concerns to run site and use your data for marketing.

Hbh17 · 20/02/2022 10:42

She is an adult. Respect her choices, & don't get involved.

Justilou1 · 20/02/2022 10:43

She has a right to her privacy. I am utterly broken-hearted that my aunt did not respect my wishes to keep my me and my family’s move to my old home town secret from my brother. She knew I am NC with him and that he has a history of drug abuse and violence, and I don’t want him near me or my kids. He obviously knows the general area we live in, as he has been driving up and down our street looking at the houses, and my kids have seen him at the supermarket (thank god for masks!!!). I even had a phonecall from the GP I have known since I was eight asking if it was okay to pass on my contact details. I let them know his history and advised that they call the police if he tries that again. (The police are aware of his behaviour and will take action if he confronts any of us.) I haven’t been able to speak to my aunt since. It wasn’t her call to decide whether he was harmless or not. She knew she was betraying my wishes.

Imgonnakillbill · 20/02/2022 10:48

I’m glad you’ve decided to respect her privacy - I’m NC with my Dad and have been for around ten years. I hate it when family pass information about me and my kids to him, and I never ask for any about him.