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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Daughter

107 replies

RusticChips · 19/02/2022 19:17

Daughter does not want anything to do with her Dad, long story, she is 27 years old. She has moved in with her boyfriend. Dad and I have been split for 10 years. Dad, my ex finally been trying to build some bridges with her but this is maybe a bit too late. He knew she was moving out but is really annoyed with me for not telling him actually when (a few weeks ago) and he was away anyway, we generally do not contact each other except when arranging contact with out youngest child. He is asking me for her address which she has asked me not to give to him. It is making me feel really uneasy, I have told him I cannot give him her address and have asked her to text it to him but he is adamant I should not keep it from him. What are your thoughts please?

OP posts:
ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/02/2022 20:00

Absolutely DO NOT. She is 27 years old, an adult. She won't trust you again if you do.

Prescottdanni123 · 19/02/2022 20:05

Do not give him your daughter's address. She is an adult and it is her decision.

How old is your youngest child? Do they know the address? If so, warn them not to blab it to him. If not, maybe just play it safe and don't give them that info.

NumberTheory · 19/02/2022 20:07

I wouldn’t really call it bridge building if he thinks the way to contact her is by bullying you to give up her confidence.

Your DD seems to have his measure.

MsMumsie · 19/02/2022 20:08

Absolutely do not give it to him!
She is an adult and has asked you not to give him her address. She will give it to him if and when she feels safe to.

CPL593H · 19/02/2022 20:10

She is 27. He has absolutely no right to know her address unless she wants him to. I'm glad you are going to respect her wishes.

DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 20:11

Gawd, here we go….

People not bothering to even read the OP’s updates.

Panic not. She has said she is NOT going to give it to him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2022 20:13

This is very close to home for me. DD and I are both NC with someone and anyone gave out details to that person we would both cut them off as well.

He sounds like a vile bully.

Sparklesocks · 19/02/2022 20:13

It’s her decision and her relationship with him and that should be respected. You just have to push back to your ex and say it’s nothing to do with you and you’re not getting in the middle, and ignore any future mention of it.

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2022 20:14

I think giving him her address against her wishes would be an easy short cut to estrangement! It's worrying that you've even considered it.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2022 20:16

She is an adult, respect her wishes and keep her trust.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2022 20:18

Read OP's update - just giving thoughts as she asked. My thoughts agree with her decision 🙄

Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 20:20

Just to set the record straight I never said I would give her address to him, I just wanted other peoples views Thank you all x

OP posts:
Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 20:22

StoneofDestiny - Thank you x

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 19/02/2022 20:24

I would text him and say dd is an adult, she makes her own decisions and we have no reason to discuss her at all, I will be ignoring anymore requests for her address. We only need to communicate with regards to the other children.

If he’s very persistent I would also tell him dd will take him to court for a restraining order due to harassment etc

Blossom64265 · 19/02/2022 20:26

At most you can offer to pass along his contact details to her.

livinthedream1995 · 19/02/2022 20:27

She’s 27 years old and old enough to decide who has her address and who doesn’t. He can lump it frankly. There’s ALWAYS a reason kids decide to distance themselves from a parent.

livinthedream1995 · 19/02/2022 20:28

Sorry that came across really agg at you, the agg is aimed entirely at him x

Graphista · 19/02/2022 20:29

Good that you're not! Ensure he cannot obtain via the younger dc - don't assume they don't know the address and won't say anything check in with them on this

Her decision whether she wants anything to do with him or not

I've had periods of nc with my father as has dd with hers for different but equally valid reasons - fyi any reason is valid it's her choice

On one occasion my mother gave my father my landline phone number when I had been very clear I wanted him to not have a way to contact me. As predicted he harassed me by phone!

I moved as a result and didn't tell my mother I had even moved, this was pre internet/mobile ubiquity and I called her once a week from a pay phone, different payphones each time. And frankly she was lucky I did that!

It massively damaged our relationship which has never fully recovered

His desire to "build bridges" doesn't mean she has to agree or want to. Too little too late comes to mind given her age and how long there's been no contact!

TabithaTittlemouse · 19/02/2022 20:30

I think you are right not to give him her address. I would tell him that she has said no and that as her mother you are respecting her wishes because you don’t want to be another estranged parent.

christingle2 · 19/02/2022 20:30

Never give him her address

He has absolutely no right to her address, she’s a grown adult and clearly wants nothing to do with him, it’s scary if you give it to him otherwise. She’s 27, he needs to stop infantising her and start respecting her wishes before he gets a restraining order

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2022 20:40

Well done OP. Hope things work out fine.

BabbleBee · 19/02/2022 20:41

Please don’t give it to him. I am NC with a sibling (for very, very good reason) who has a new partner who apparently is keen to build bridges. My mother gave the partner my address and a Christmas card turned up. Not only did it come as a shock and triggered lots of awful memories, it has damaged my relationship with my mother even further. It’s showed her lack of respect for me and I no longer trust her at all.

Mellowyellow222 · 19/02/2022 20:41

I am confused as to why you are unsure?

Your adult daughter does not want contact with her father.

Why would you even consider disregarding her wishes?

Rodion · 19/02/2022 20:42

He doesn't really want to build bridges though - that's far too gentle a term for someone behaving this insensitively. More like steam-rolling his own wants into her life.

Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 20:43

I just wanted the views of other people who had been through something similar, and thank you now I have. I have always encouraged contact but its complected and just hasn't worked out. I have told him I have asked her to give her address to him and it is up to her if she does. I feel he should wait until she is ready, if ever to contact him. I will speak to younger children and tell them they must not give her address out. He found out she had moved out because one moved into her bedroom x

OP posts: