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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Daughter

107 replies

RusticChips · 19/02/2022 19:17

Daughter does not want anything to do with her Dad, long story, she is 27 years old. She has moved in with her boyfriend. Dad and I have been split for 10 years. Dad, my ex finally been trying to build some bridges with her but this is maybe a bit too late. He knew she was moving out but is really annoyed with me for not telling him actually when (a few weeks ago) and he was away anyway, we generally do not contact each other except when arranging contact with out youngest child. He is asking me for her address which she has asked me not to give to him. It is making me feel really uneasy, I have told him I cannot give him her address and have asked her to text it to him but he is adamant I should not keep it from him. What are your thoughts please?

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 19:33

You need to stop discussing her with him completely.

If you carry on you could find yourself cut off like him.

DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 19:34

It really depends who you want to prioritise - in terms feelings, trust, and a wish for an ongoing relationship.

Your daughter or your ex?

Complete no-brainer to me.

He can be ‘adamant’ into the cows come home - it doesn’t mean his word is law. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Really18 · 19/02/2022 19:34

She is an adult snd it's her choice. Respect her wishes.

godmum56 · 19/02/2022 19:35

FFS grow a spine. and its not cannot give the address, its WILL NOT.

UserWithNoUserName · 19/02/2022 19:37

Tell him it's not your place to give it and you are not getting involved further.

ChocolateMassacre · 19/02/2022 19:38

She's an adult. He needs to address all matters to do with your DD to her directly. You have no role in their relationship.

Tell him to limit his contact with you to matters relating to your youngest child and that you won't engage on anything else.

gogohm · 19/02/2022 19:39

You should respect her wishes, unless she's taking extraordinary measures not to be found, he can locate her relatively easily

QuornSausagesAreTheDevilsPenis · 19/02/2022 19:40

It's lovely he's ready to build bridges. He just has to wait until she is too, if ever. Absolutely do not give him her address, unless you want her estranged from you too.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 19/02/2022 19:41

Was he a bully OP? Your post comes across as someone who is very scared to tell him no.

There is no question here. Your DD is an adult and doesn't want her father to have her address. This isn't the same as him not knowing where is 7 year old lives - your DD is completely within her right to keep the info from him.

Just tell him you're not giving him the address and to stop asking.
Ignore any contact from him around this and stick to only talking about your youngest. He'll get the message eventually.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/02/2022 19:41

Do not give out her address.
She is an adult and it's her choice.

These demands are controlling on his part and it would be beyond disrespectful to your DD if you give it out.

It may also put her in a position where she (rightly) feels she cannot maintain a relationship with you because you keep feeding information to her father which she quite clearly doesn't want him to have.

Darbs76 · 19/02/2022 19:41

Absolutely do not provide the address.

Marmelace · 19/02/2022 19:43

Do not throw your daughter to the wolf just to save your own skin

fortheloveofcheesecake · 19/02/2022 19:44

I was happily estranged from my father. My mother did something similar to what you are considering and I am now reluctantly in contact with him again, against my wishes. Do not do it OP. She's an adult and you must respect her wishes. It has put a wedge in my relationship with my mother.

PagesOfSlime · 19/02/2022 19:44

No, don't else she'll never trust you again.

Make sure her address isn't in younger child's phone somewhere. And as a pp said, discuss it with them.

I think I might tell him that you will make sure she has his address and you would consider passing on a letter. But definitely don't tell him.

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2022 19:45

She's an adult, didn't give him her address tell him she has told you not to give it to him. End of.

You could also ask her if you could give him her address one last time. If it's no, it's no.

Thewindwhispers · 19/02/2022 19:46

Do NOT give him the address. Right now she can relax there knowing thwt he can never turn up there, you must not destroy that for her.

He isn’t entitled to know where she lives just because he wants to know.

If he wants a relationship with his daughter then that’s for her to consent to not him to insist upon.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/02/2022 19:48

How old is your younger child and do they know their sisters address. Of course you must not give out your DDs address but your younger child might if Dad keeps asking them.

Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 19:50

Thank you for all your replies. I just wanted to see what other peoples views were. I will not give her address out and like all your replies feel he is bullying me and rightly so, would be betraying her trust in me if I told him. I certainly do not owe him anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
RusticChips · 19/02/2022 19:51

Younger children do not know address.

OP posts:
DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 19:52

@RusticChips

Thank you for all your replies. I just wanted to see what other peoples views were. I will not give her address out and like all your replies feel he is bullying me and rightly so, would be betraying her trust in me if I told him. I certainly do not owe him anything.
Phew. Glad you can see it.
PagesOfSlime · 19/02/2022 19:55

Younger children do not know address.
Can he track their phones and do they ever visit her?

VodselForDinner · 19/02/2022 19:56

[quote firstimemamma]@VodselForDinner I think your first sentence is a typo judging by the rest of your post.

Respect your daughter's wishes op, she deserves it.[/quote]
Gah, my kingdom for an edit button.

“Do it give him her address” should be “do not give him her address”.

Kshhuxnxk · 19/02/2022 19:57

It isn't your address to give out. If he really wants to he can search 192 and pay £25 to find it. Let him do that.

2bazookas · 19/02/2022 19:59

Don't tell him.

If he persists, just say " I promised not to give you it. I keep my promises, and I'm not going to lose her over you."

diddl · 19/02/2022 19:59

How does he even know that she was moving out?

Why does he think that he has a right to know her address?

If he thinks that that is the case perhaps he should go to a solicitor & ask them what to do?

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