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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to the wedding...aibu?

123 replies

hinkbinkclink · 19/02/2022 15:38

Five years ago I started socialising with my friends friend.
They had a friendship group and I got to know them and started going on nights out and invited places with them.
I made a really good friend through that circle of girls.
One of the girls we will call her "Lisa" is getting married today.
November last year was her hen weekend and I got invited (8 of us )
We had a great weekend and I helped organise it.
Anyway today was her wedding and I wasn't invited.
I feel so stupid.
I'm the only one from the hen not invited.

Now I knew I wouldn't be invited to the actual wedding but not even the nighttime reception.
It's in a pub in the room upstairs (buffet,disco etc )
I just think it's a bit sly.
The bar isn't free drinks so it would have cost her nothing.

Aibu ?

OP posts:

Gillyx · 21/02/2022 06:47

I’ve seen this a few times where brides want a big group of girls to the hen but then not inviting them all to the wedding, I think it’s a bit tacky. I don’t really understand why you were the only one left out, it could be numbers but it just seems rude.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 07:08

I’d be taking a step back from Lisa.

Don’t help organise anything for her again and son’t invite her to your own events including wedding.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 07:10

@butterpuffed

OP , you say you know the bar isn't free drinks. If you and your group meet up for nights out, is that all you've discovered about the wedding between the hen do last November and the wedding day yesterday ? Haven't you all discussed any details ??

How many details could there be for an upstairs at the pub wedding?

Op wouldn’t wanted to ask if she was invited.

BobHadBitchTits · 21/02/2022 07:27

@RedskyThisNight

I never understand why people just don't ask in these situations. Or, if you didn't want to ask Lisa directly get a mutual friend to make subtle enquiries.

(I had loads of people at my hen night that didn't come to the wedding. Wedding was very close friends and family only and there were a lot of "less close" friends at the hen and people like work colleagues. I don't think it's that odd not to have hen parties attendees not go to the wedding).

So basically, they're good enough to spend their money on you, but not good enough for you to spend your money on them?

Got it.

RedskyThisNight · 21/02/2022 07:34

So basically, they're good enough to spend their money on you, but not good enough for you to spend your money on them?

Not sure what you're on about - no one spent any money on me at my hen party. And as per my comments upthread - we had a hen party at my friends' insistence, because they wanted to celebrate with me!

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 08:37

@RedskyThisNight

So you paid for something that someone else arranged?

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 08:38

Genuine question

I had no idea what was my hen party
A beautiful country house
6 friends
With a caterer coming to do dinner

I didn’t pay a penny
I had no idea what was happening until I turned up

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 08:38

It was perfect btw

RedskyThisNight · 21/02/2022 09:04

[quote Toanewstart23]@RedskyThisNight

So you paid for something that someone else arranged?[/quote]
I suspect there is some projecting going on here. My hen do was a meal out plus drinks. Everyone paid for themselves, except I paid for wine for the table during the meal. Basically the same (but with a few more drinks) that we would do for someone's birthday. Actually not massively different from a "normal" Friday night out at this time.

At this time, I went to a lot of hen parties of this type (sometimes with an afternoon activity; sometimes with more of a buffet meal in the evening). People came because they want to, I didn't think any more or less of people if they came or not (actually most of my closest friends didn't because of not wanting to travel twice) but I made sure to invite everyone I thought might like to come (which is surely better than the myriad of "why haven't I been invited to the hen party" threads). I've thought back and realised that actually I've only been to 2 hen parties where I subsequently went to the wedding - the majority were hen parties for casual friends or friends having small weddings.

I don't know if this is something that's changed over time (I got married over 20 years ago) or simply something that varies amongst friendship circles, but I can assure you no one thought I was being rude or grabby and many of my hen party attendees are still friends 20 years later so clearly they did not take offense.

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 09:07

I was asking a PP not the op

CounsellorTroi · 21/02/2022 09:21

I agree with this. When I got married 30 years ago it was very normal to invite people on your hen night who weren’t going to the wedding. It was a way of including everyone when your budget didn’t stretch to having them all at the wedding.

ISmellBurnings · 21/02/2022 09:59

But the OP was the only one from the hen not invited, there was only 8 of them.

Pl242 · 21/02/2022 10:03

There’s a lot of messages here re what is right/wrong re hen/wedding invites but as they display, people will have different perspectives on that.

Think the crux is that OP considers Lisa a good friend and is hurt not to be invited and/or given an explanation of why she wasn’t (numbers/family etc). I don’t think she is BU re that.

If I was in your position OP I would consider my options as

Try to shrug it off, tell myself I wasn’t entitled to an invite, see how the friendship goes from here, keep an open mind. Maybe recast it in my own mind to less of a close friendship than I had previously thought.
See this as a dealbreaker and end friendship/keep Lisa at arm’s length
Explain to Lisa (after a while given she’s just got married) that you were hurt and confused not to be invited to wedding. Explain that of course no one is entitled to an invite but couldn’t let it go without asking. Checking if it’s not something you did etc. Obviously awkward but a good friendship should allow for such a conversation.

Passtherioja · 21/02/2022 10:27

Send her a congratulations card then have nothing further to do with her.

MermaidEyes · 21/02/2022 10:28

Interesting to see the different perspectives on hen nights. I organised my own, and just checked with everyone coming that they were happy with plans.

Wexone · 21/02/2022 10:46

Totally agree with you . This was so rude and i would defiantly drop her as a friend and not have any dealings with her. Yes the rule is that who is invited to your hen is invited to the wedding. Been at so many weddings that i wasn't at the hen at that you can see the groups of girls together that were at the hen

On another i have felt similar to you but at the other end, My now sister in law had her and hen and both myself and my sister were not invited. We didn't know anything about it till we met another friend of hers one day and she was asking us are we all set for next weekend, then was mortified when she realized we weren't invited. Would have been ok if she was a stranger to use, but my SIL lived across the road been going with my brother since she was 15 and this was like 10 years later and was always in our house. Now a few years late its my onw wedding hen is in a few weeks and she is not invited. Heard on the grapevine she is not impressed but am sorry you treat people the way you want to be treated

Kite22 · 21/02/2022 10:47

Think the crux is that OP considers Lisa a good friend and is hurt not to be invited and/or given an explanation of why she wasn’t (numbers/family etc). I don’t think she is BU re that.

I have read this sort of response on MN before, but I still think it really odd.
I have NEVER contacted someone to tell them they aren't invited to something I am hosting. Or to "explain to them" why they aren't invited. That is the oddest thing, socially. Almost like rubbing someone's face in it. It is the most bizarre things to suggest, that you go around everyone you know, to tell them you are having some kind of a do but that they aren't invited
Equally, in all my years - well, decades - I have NEVER had anyone come up to me and say they were hosting any kind of a do, and they were just contacting me to tell me that I wasn't invited, and to explain why I wasn't invited, so I don't think it is just me that would think it odd.

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 10:52

No where does she say she considers the bride a good friend
Doesn’t even hint

The op was a friend of someone in the social group and joined on that basis

MermaidEyes · 21/02/2022 10:53

Has OP been back since Saturday? When is this appearing in the Daily Mail? 😒

AdobeWanKenobi · 21/02/2022 11:00

@MermaidEyes

Has OP been back since Saturday? When is this appearing in the Daily Mail? 😒

Seems to be a lot of 'one post wonders' lately.

Pl242 · 21/02/2022 11:04

@Kite22 I think it’s quite common with weddings. Ie “in an ideal world we’d have many more people at the wedding, but given budget and size of families we’re limited to inviting a few close friends etc”.

IRL, I’ve had friends contact me to say they’re having a small party for their kids, only inviting boys etc. in instances where they might have thought we expected a reciprocal invite etc. it’s never been anything that has bothered me.

I see that you think this type of think is awkward etc. but maybe sometimes helps prevent situations like this, when people find out on the grapevine that they’ve not been invited to something and feel upset/excluded.

zingally · 21/02/2022 11:22

Similar happened to me.

Through a friend Amy, I got to know a work colleague of hers, Debbie. I saw Debbie a few times socially, maybe 4 or 5 times, but only when I was already hanging out with Amy. I never saw Debbie on her own.

I was a bit surprised when I was invited to Debbie's hen weekend, which was a couple of different things (pamper evening, trip to a recording studio, afternoon tea). I went along because, hey - fun weekend. But I never got invited to the wedding. It was a bit awkward when everyone was saying goodbye after the afternoon tea with "see you at the wedding!!" which was a few weeks later, and I had to be all, "umm... bye!"

I've only seen Debbie maybe twice since then, and only in passing really. I think, like me, she realised it was a bit awkward and odd!

Original poster

hinkbinkclink · 21/02/2022 12:02

Hiya sorry I've had a busy weekend
Haven't seen the woman since and tbh I will feel a bit awkward.
I think I just assumed she would message inviting me to the night do.
Anyway it's over now so never mind eh

OP posts:

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