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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to the wedding...aibu?

123 replies

hinkbinkclink · 19/02/2022 15:38

Five years ago I started socialising with my friends friend.
They had a friendship group and I got to know them and started going on nights out and invited places with them.
I made a really good friend through that circle of girls.
One of the girls we will call her "Lisa" is getting married today.
November last year was her hen weekend and I got invited (8 of us )
We had a great weekend and I helped organise it.
Anyway today was her wedding and I wasn't invited.
I feel so stupid.
I'm the only one from the hen not invited.

Now I knew I wouldn't be invited to the actual wedding but not even the nighttime reception.
It's in a pub in the room upstairs (buffet,disco etc )
I just think it's a bit sly.
The bar isn't free drinks so it would have cost her nothing.

Aibu ?

OP posts:
buddylicious · 19/02/2022 18:47

Did the bride invite you to her hen, or was it one of the bridesmaids who invited you?

Moonshine5 · 19/02/2022 18:50

@irishfarmer

I think it's weird. In my experience it is the very good friends that get invited to the hen and then def make the wedding list! I've been to plenty of weddings without being to the hen. But I've not been to a hen party without being invited to the wedding.
OP this is normal behaviour ^, personally I'd give them a wide berth from this day forth......
Meh2020 · 19/02/2022 19:19

I haven’t read the full thread… What a bitch and quite unbelievable- I would be hurt too.

My money is on her being jealous of your friendship with the mutual friend and so she has asserted her friendship via her wedding, her rules type thing.

It’s hard but don’t give it too much thought - she comes across as mean hearted and not very nice. You honestly dont need mean people in your life

lap90 · 19/02/2022 19:31

YANBU, it's weird behaviour.

DogsAndGin · 19/02/2022 19:42

Yanbu
I think it’s bizarre to share in the hen-do with your girlfriends, who are celebrating your engagement and upcoming wedding - excited to see their friend get married, and then not actually invite them to the wedding! I’m with you OP, this is completely odd. And, so what if she was originally a friend of a friend, are we not allowed to make new friends in our adulthood Confused

I had a similar thing once, all the invites went out and I didn’t get one, but then she must have had some guests cancel because I got an invite some time later. Felt wonderful. She apologised afterwards and said she wasn’t thinking straight Hmm I wondered, maybe she just wanted to feel really popular with loads of girls around her, on her hen-do - trying to impress her closest girls that she was so popular?! I don’t know. Bizarre!

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/02/2022 19:46

The only reasons I can think of is that someone else organised her hen do and invited you as part of the friendship group or you did something to piss her off at, or since, the hen do.

You won't find the answer out without sounding upset about it, so I think I would just keep her at arms length from now on.

Thewindwhispers · 19/02/2022 19:50

Hm. My good friend A became good friends with B. B and I had nothing in common, and I found her irritating (loud laugh, obsessed with sex jokes etc). But everytime I went to meetup with A, she’d bring B along. Soon B was ‘one of the gang’ and it was clear everytime I met A, B would be there.

But I didn’t want to be friends with B!!

This woman isn’t your friend and doesn’t want to be. That’s her call…

CrimbleCrumble1 · 19/02/2022 19:52

Do you ever see her on a one to one basis or only in a group?

Clymene · 19/02/2022 19:56

The OP said she helped to organise the hen do.

Even if you're not that keen on someone, not inviting them to your wedding in those circumstances is breathtakingly rude. Unless the OP has been shagging the groom, it's appalling behaviour.

I'd also be rethinking friendships with the women around her.

Xmassprout · 19/02/2022 19:56

Did you know at the time of the hen do that you weren't invited?

Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 19:59

@irishfarmer

I think it's weird. In my experience it is the very good friends that get invited to the hen and then def make the wedding list! I've been to plenty of weddings without being to the hen. But I've not been to a hen party without being invited to the wedding.
Same here. Rude.
Kite22 · 19/02/2022 20:04

It’s very odd that she considers you in the top 8 of friends for the purposes of hen invitations but you don’t make the cut for the actual wedding.

Not necessarily.
1/2 the guests at the wedding are going to include be the groom's family and friends. Then the bride's side will include all sorts of people who don't want to a boozy weekend away with a group of women they either don't know or don't know well. However, it isn't that odd - if a group want to go away (under the excuse of it being the hen do) to invite the whole group.
So, when I got married (decades ago) my colleagues wanted to all go for a night out, using "we'll do a 'hen do' for you" as the excuse. All the colleagues were invited, but only 2 people that I was close friends with were invited to the wedding. Nobody thought it odd. They totally understood that I couldn't invite 18 colleagues to my wedding, and wouldn't expect to be invited, but they were chuffed for me and wanted to enjoy a night out. Nobody was forcing anyone to go - it was a night out !
The same happens with weekends away now - a 'social group' (might be a sports team or colleagues, that get on as a group and like the idea of a boozy weekend away, decide to go away. If you are part of that group, then you can opt to go or opt not to.

It's not 'sly' at all. Odd description.

winterchills · 19/02/2022 20:07

I think she's a cheeky cow tbh. You were good enough to go on her hen night but not even then night do? I wouldn't be speaking to her again

Tigersonvaseline · 19/02/2022 20:15

Op I had something similar.

An New baby mum friend of about two/ three year's finally got married she's showing me dresses And talking of all the people from the baby group inviting And putting on tea at church for new church friends ( just moved)]
I wasn't invited to anything.

Clymene · 19/02/2022 20:16

Did you invite every single woman that was on your hen to the wedding except one @Kite22? I'm guessing not

Tigersonvaseline · 19/02/2022 20:17

It's the effort she went too for people she hardly knew that put me off.
I haven't spoken too her since.its her business who She invited but to rub my nose in it?? The detail of her tea for the church people? If I had no intention of inviting someone I would be discreet

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/02/2022 20:19

I've been invited to a couple of hen dos but not the wedding.

In these situations, I've generally only gone to the hen do out of pity/sense of obligation. In my experience, it's those with few friends that do this. They don't need to add extras to the wedding as their groom makes it up with their side.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/02/2022 20:20

@Kite22

It’s very odd that she considers you in the top 8 of friends for the purposes of hen invitations but you don’t make the cut for the actual wedding.

Not necessarily.
1/2 the guests at the wedding are going to include be the groom's family and friends. Then the bride's side will include all sorts of people who don't want to a boozy weekend away with a group of women they either don't know or don't know well. However, it isn't that odd - if a group want to go away (under the excuse of it being the hen do) to invite the whole group.
So, when I got married (decades ago) my colleagues wanted to all go for a night out, using "we'll do a 'hen do' for you" as the excuse. All the colleagues were invited, but only 2 people that I was close friends with were invited to the wedding. Nobody thought it odd. They totally understood that I couldn't invite 18 colleagues to my wedding, and wouldn't expect to be invited, but they were chuffed for me and wanted to enjoy a night out. Nobody was forcing anyone to go - it was a night out !
The same happens with weekends away now - a 'social group' (might be a sports team or colleagues, that get on as a group and like the idea of a boozy weekend away, decide to go away. If you are part of that group, then you can opt to go or opt not to.

It's not 'sly' at all. Odd description.

A pre wedding night out with colleagues isn't really comparable.
Kitkat151 · 19/02/2022 20:31

Let’s hope the bride got piss wet through and windswept getting out of the car today.... she sounds vile

Laura0729 · 19/02/2022 20:41

Oh op this is crap. Sorry you're in this situation.

I would take a step back to analyse this friendship.

Sometimes people want a big hen do and want numbers regardless of how well they know people so they look popular.

However I will add when working out our guest list of 100 people ( max venue would allow) there were so many people we couldn't invite and we had to weigh up family V friends in some cases and peoples partners (we didn't know).

So it could be she's known others longer than you.

Kite22 · 19/02/2022 20:57

A pre wedding night out with colleagues isn't really comparable

It wasn't a weekend away, no, but in a way a weekend away with a group of women, MONTHS before the wedding, isn't exactly a traditional hen do either.

It is a weekend away with a group that seem to socialise together. Nothing wrong with that if that is what you enjoy. How would OP have responded if she found out the others in what she consider 'the group' had gone away for the weekend and not invited her ?

It really hasn't got anything to do with "women closest to a bride" going out the week before the wedding ceremony either.
The bride isn't going to win with the OP, whichever way it had been handled. The OP isn't considered close enough to make the B&G's guest list, with whatever restraints and limitations they have. That is quite normal when you haven't known someone very long and only know them as part of a 'group'. Separate from that, a weekend away was organised LAST NOVEMBER, which it seems "the group" decided to go away together, and the OP was invited to that. But now isn't happy.

MermaidEyes · 19/02/2022 21:02

@Toanewstart23

Sounds like you’ve found out today Your friend messaged to ask where you were And that’s how you found out

So I’m guessing you had absolutely nothing to do with wedding preps
And not a single person in this social group mentioned it to you
And when was the last time you even went out with this group? As usually an imminent wedding… is discussed!

Yes, OP must have known the wedding date back in November and knew she wasn't invited by that point. If she'd seen any of these friends since they would have been discussing the wedding and OP would still have realised she'd had no invite. Seems to me there was never any intention of inviting her - maybe she was around when the hen night was first discussed and the bride felt guilty not asking her because she would have been odd one out in the group if she didn't go, so it was just a sort of "oh you can come too if you like" invite

cheekyasfish · 20/02/2022 08:31

seeing as there were only 8 on the hen do, it's not kind to exclude one person

That's really nasty

Would it really have been so difficult to squeeze one extra in to the evening do?

SeasonFinale · 20/02/2022 13:48

OP said in her opening and so far only post that bride was a friend of a friend. OP also says "We had a great weekend and I helped organise it ".

Maybe the bride was surprised that a friend of friend got herself so involved in her hen do when she wasn't even her actual friend and therefore didn't want her taking over her wedding too.

butterpuffed · 20/02/2022 16:17

OP , you say you know the bar isn't free drinks. If you and your group meet up for nights out, is that all you've discovered about the wedding between the hen do last November and the wedding day yesterday ? Haven't you all discussed any details ??