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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC wants to change their surname

103 replies

dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 15:26

Long time poster, name changed.

DC is now teenage , and wants to change their surname from their Father's name to mine. I reverted to my maiden name several years ago.

DC has asked school and school say that I have to be ok with this. No mention of father, whose details they do have.

Legally DC cannot change surname until they are 16, but apparently they can have a "known as " name at school.

Father has seen DC around 4-5 times in 2020 and same in 2021 using covid as an excuse. Father has not seen DC since before Christmas. Father rarely contacts DC between visits. Father moved several hours away a couple of years ago. DC has become more and more disillusioned with them.

I am concerned that if DC changes their name and father sees this on social media/school reports etc, then their father will ditch them for good. DC has half siblings with same surname. I would love DC to have my surname , but don't want DC to make such a huge decision if not taking on board the potential consequences.

I have tried to warn DC of the potential fall out from this, but DC is adamant that they want to change their name. What would you do if your DC wanted to do this? Have you been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 15:27

sorry, forgot there would be a poll

YABU - let DC do what they want

YANBU - try and persuade DC to wait until 16

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 19/02/2022 15:30

I’m changing my daughters surname to just mine when she is 16, she has no contact with her father. We can’t change it either without permission as he’s on the bc, so 6 more years to go! I would let your child decide.

Youdoyoutoday · 19/02/2022 15:30

Let them change it, it's obviously a big thing for them and shows exactly what they think of their father.

How old are they now?

TeacupDrama · 19/02/2022 15:48

I think they / you have to get father's consent if he is on birth certificate, if he say's no they either have to wait until 16 or you can go to court.
you know where there father is so you can't claim he has disappearred but I understand generally if Father says no and he sees the children regularly pays maintennce etc the answer would be no but if he is absent most of the time and not good at phone facetime contact and the children are over 12 so their opinion will be listened to you might have a much better chance of a Judge saying yes

StripeyDeckchair · 19/02/2022 15:53

A for mer colleague of mine went on holiday, came back 2 weeks later & announced his surname was now X instead of Y.
A couple of months later on a night out (& after a few drinks) I asked him about it. He said it was a family name on his mother's side. He did it because his former surname was his father's name but his father had never been involved in his life. His mother had remarried & taken her new partners name. Mothers maiden name was something v common (think Smith or Jones type name) so he went back along her line to a more unusual surname.
He said that the change was a huge, positive thing for him.

So I'd let your child make their own decision. Your name is incredibly important & central to your identity so changing it can be a very positive move.
Depending on their age I might suggest that if they still wanted to do it in 6 months time we'd do it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/02/2022 15:55

How old is ‘teenage’?

If it’s 14 or 15, I would urge them to wait till age 16. If 13, I’d still urge them to give it a few months to think about it before making and changes.

But also - if Facebook is your main area of concern, child can put father on a ‘restricted’ list so he can’t see his/her profile.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 15:57

Teacup drama, yes I am aware of all the legalities thank you though, this thread is about changing it at school and on social media until they are old enough to do it legally.

OP posts:
SausagePourHomme · 19/02/2022 15:58

"Legally DC cannot change surname until they are 16"

I don't think that's true is it?

I changed my own name at 14 by choice

DysmalRadius · 19/02/2022 15:59

I know that the common wisdom with separated parents is never to badmouth the other, but there comes a point in a teenager's life where I think it can be more damaging not to acknowledge how shit the other parent is occasionally.

Personally, by the time I was about 12/13, I knew that my Dad was a bellend, and it really helped to know that my mum agreed when he'd treated me badly. She tried to point out his (few and far between) good points, but stopped pretending that he wasn't a tool a lot of the time and it made me realise that it wasn't just me being a 'my parents are awful' teenager, but that he was actually the unreasonable one a lot of the time.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 15:59

stripey thanks. Yes, I have asked DC to sit on it for the moment while I think about it, as they sprung it on me, but its been 2 weeks and they keep asking. I might suggest 6 months wait like you say and see how they feel then. If they don't see their father by then I am sure they will be even more adamant about changing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:01

SausagePourHomme This is the Government guidance. They can't do it themselves until 16 and I can't do it without fathers permission (which I will not be doing).

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:01

I know that the common wisdom with separated parents is never to badmouth the other, but there comes a point in a teenager's life where I think it can be more damaging not to acknowledge how shit the other parent is occasionally.

Agree. I think trying to pressure them to keep the name of a man who's rejected and failed them could really damage your relationship with them.

BowerOfBramble · 19/02/2022 16:02

I’d let them crack on with it. Maybe having their dad’s surname means every time they write their name they remember what a crap dad they have or perhaps wonder why he doesn’t love them enough to be around more. It’ll be easier to change it now than later on.

I think my only worry would be if I thought they wanted to swap between the two… ie they weren’t sure. I might suggest they add it on eventually (legally) so their full name becomes eg David Juan Dadsname Yourname but usually they go by David Yourname. But if they’re set on changing it for life I’d just let them.

Worrying that their dad will drop them completely if he doesn’t get to have them named after him is worrying about completely the wrong thing IMO. If he’s that much of a fragile little dick that his love for his own child is dependent on them having his surname he’s awful and they’re better off without him.

BowerOfBramble · 19/02/2022 16:05

Why are you scared of him “ditching them for good”? I mean genuinely what are you worried about in terms of that? They’re his kids he can’t just unmake that relationship. Is it a money thing?

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:05

BowerofBramble you got it spot on actually. DC said that every time they write their surname at school it reminds them of how useless their father has been and they just don't want that name any more.

I am trying to take on board DC's feelings. I am not concerned about XH's feelings, however I do not want DC upset if father chucks toys out of pram and drops all contact, although DC says that this would not bother them, I am sure that it would and that they would miss their half siblings.

I do understand their reasons however I do agree with your thinking also.

OP posts:
Mum45678 · 19/02/2022 16:07

I reverted to my maiden name when I got divorced. I also asked permission from my Children’s father to change their names to both our surnames. That was mainly about travel logistics more than anything else! I was going to add it as a middle name but the children were adamant that they had my maiden name as their surname. They are both under 12.

In your situation I would let them change it.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:08

BowerofBramble I worry for DC in that they will be upset if they don't realise that could be the final consequences of this, if you see what I mean.

It is so hard. I think if DC could change it at school and doctors to "known as" but all reports etc are still in official name, it would be a good compromise.

It's not about the money, he pays peanuts in CM and I put it in a separate account and use it for clubs and clothing etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:09

Thanks for all the replies so far. It is great to get viewpoints from those who have done it or whose DC have done it

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:10

I am concerned that if DC changes their name and father sees this on social media/school reports etc, then their father will ditch them for good.

Maybe that would be in DC's best interests in the long run. Maybe DC would be happier. Maybe DC wants that outcome.

They clearly don't have anything that could meaningfully be described as a relationship as it is, and it must be causing so much pain to keep having the wound caused by his absence/disinterest opened up when he occasionally makes contact then flakes again.

That's not good for any child's self-esteem and the ongoing cycle of hoping this time will be different then being disappointed again is not good for anyone's well-being.

Is any of your resistance actually about your reluctance to have to accept how shit the father is / how much he's hurt DC and that no he is never going to change? Because it sounds like DC has accepted it even if you don't want to.

Pegasussnail · 19/02/2022 16:12

I think I would let your child change their name in these circumstances
They sound very sensible and thoughtful and their father doesn’t deserve to have a say

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:13

however I do not want DC upset if father chucks toys out of pram and drops all contact, although DC says that this would not bother them, I am sure that it would and that they would miss their half siblings.

Of course it would still hurt, but I can easily imagine it would hurt a lot less than the current situation of being repeatedly wounded.

BowerOfBramble · 19/02/2022 16:17

I totally get it, you’re trying to protect them and you sound like a fab mum. What I would say is that in a few years they’ll be able to have their own independent relationship with their half siblings. Able to travel and visit them etc on their own without parental help. If they’re close now your ex must be a No1 cunt if he refuses them visiting because they’ve changed their surname.

goldfluffyclouds · 19/02/2022 16:18

They're not changing it formally yet - so its just a 'known as' for school and social media seems like a good compromise till they are 16 and will have had the time to know if they then want to do it at 16.
I would suggest another chat - about the consequences and timing of doing this given that the dad is so spiteful. How young are the half siblings - is there a way to facilitate contact without the dad if they have their own phones or emails? Or is there a sympathetic in law that can be made aware of the situation and that your son would always want to be in contact with them once they are old enough to be able to make that contact...

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:19

formaline no, I did accept a long time ago now that the situation would never change, and also knew that one day DC would see it for themselves.

I just don't want DC to be hurt any more than necessary I suppose because even if they think it , it's another thing being dropped completely.

I agree that DC is old enough to know their own mind at mid teens.

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 19/02/2022 16:19

DC doesn’t have to have their surname on social media, I know lots of people who go by firstname middlename. Would that be a good compromise for SM, and they can be known as firstname yoursurname at school? It’s clearly important to them, and if it makes them feel like they have some control over at least one aspect of their relationship with their DF then it’s probably going to be helpful for them.

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