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AIBU?

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Original poster

DC wants to change their surname

103 replies

dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 15:26

Long time poster, name changed.

DC is now teenage , and wants to change their surname from their Father's name to mine. I reverted to my maiden name several years ago.

DC has asked school and school say that I have to be ok with this. No mention of father, whose details they do have.

Legally DC cannot change surname until they are 16, but apparently they can have a "known as " name at school.

Father has seen DC around 4-5 times in 2020 and same in 2021 using covid as an excuse. Father has not seen DC since before Christmas. Father rarely contacts DC between visits. Father moved several hours away a couple of years ago. DC has become more and more disillusioned with them.

I am concerned that if DC changes their name and father sees this on social media/school reports etc, then their father will ditch them for good. DC has half siblings with same surname. I would love DC to have my surname , but don't want DC to make such a huge decision if not taking on board the potential consequences.

I have tried to warn DC of the potential fall out from this, but DC is adamant that they want to change their name. What would you do if your DC wanted to do this? Have you been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2022 16:22

Let them change it. Even go so far as to look into changing it on their passport and everything! I'd be delighted. I did something similar as a teen. My mum even bought me a cake Grin

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:23

I also think it sounds odd, after them being known as "name middle surname" which flows nicely, "name middle newsurname" sounds odd Grin. It would take some getting used to (but no reason to stop them changing it obviously).

OP posts:
Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:25

Vladmirs any excuse for cake Grin. DC can't change it on passport until they can do a Deed Poll at 16.

I suppose if they do it now and like it and get used to it, then they could change it at 16 knowing that they like it.

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 19/02/2022 16:26

You've explained the risks, they still want to do it, so let them.

At the moment there hurting every day without any real reason for why their dad treats them like this.

Yes, it will hurt if he ditches them all together, but then they can start to heal, which they can't do now. And they will know the reason - that he is a pretty man who couldn't respect his children's autonomy. Having taken things into their own hands, that could even be empowering.

BowerOfBramble · 19/02/2022 16:27

Exactly. And I agree with PP they could change their social media name to first name middle name and tell dad it’s a security thing. He need never know for now.

Bonbon21 · 19/02/2022 16:33

A point to ponder perhaps is if they are determined to change their surname it is done, by whatever method, before they get any educational certificates etc... saves complications later on...

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:34

I respect that. There's already pain and hurt there - quite significant pain if it causes distress now every time DC uses their own name. Our name, our identity is massive.

Being allowed and supported to take the first step of using the new name at school might be where to start. Try the new name on for size, see how it feels, get used to it. Frame it like that rather than about what father will think.

If they want to proceed though my personal view is that it seems the path of least harm.

You'd be giving father a lot of power over DC's life by making him the reason this can't happen, and father probably has too much power over DC's life already in the way he messes DC about and the hurt that causes. I think that would just aggravate matters.

This would give DC back some control in a shit situation and feeling in control can really help make something difficult feel bearable.

LittleOwl153 · 19/02/2022 16:34

I would let them do the known as at school if that's what they want.

Be careful of the timing of the deed poll at 16 however around exam entry/certificates. You maybe need to check with school when they enter the kids/finalise entry as a change of name midway through might cause some big issues....

Ursusmajor · 19/02/2022 16:35

Is there a school counselor? I’d be suggesting DC does one session with someone who isn’t you to talk through why the want this and what the consequences might be (ie. pissing off dad). Not to try to persuade them one way or the other and not to justify to school that the name change should happen, just so DC is sure of their decision and happy that, for them, changing their name is the right choice.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:36

Chaos yes good point, DC is hurting and I believe that they have probably had enough of it.

They did also mention changing their name completely but I dread to think what they would come up with then.

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:38

@Bonbon21

A point to ponder perhaps is if they are determined to change their surname it is done, by whatever method, before they get any educational certificates etc... saves complications later on...
Yes I would ideally want it sorted before if that's an option. It won't cause problems (other than upset at an unliked name being on them obviously) more annoyance at always having to show the Deed Poll alongside them.

Although for GCSEs it doesn't matter so much if they do qualifications beyond that as the GCSEs themselves mostly become irrelevant then.

Clymene · 19/02/2022 16:38

Their father is shit. Even when they were being the model child, their father was shit. I think them taking control of their name to acknowledge that their father is shit is an excellent move.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:40

I think that good points have been made above about exam certificates, as I hadn't considered that. I will contact the school and ask them what the procedures are as we have some time before that becomes an issue. It may well be that they ask them what name to put on the certificates.

Also a good point about the timing of the change at around 16 and the certificates.

I think that is also a good point about the school counsellor. I can ask school if they have somebody that DC could talk to about it.

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 19/02/2022 16:42

DS1 (17) started asking at about 12 to change his surname. I mistakenly thought he had to wait until 18 so he only did it last month.
But at 12 he didn't know what he wanted to change it to (he didn't want to use my surname as I was in a relationship and mistakenly thought marriage was a possibility.) He considered using my mums at some point but also thought that was unfair on me. He eventually settled on a hybrid version of his/mine/my mums.

Hes changed it on social media and his dad hasn't even noticed Shock

DS2 (15) has asked to change his as soon as he can and I'm going to change mine as well so we will match.

wildseas · 19/02/2022 16:42

One other point to ponder.

It sounds to me like they will change it permanently at 16 either way. So the choice here is piss dad off and risk no contact now or in a couple of years.

I actually wonder if it would be easier for them if that fall out happens now? 16 is right in the middle of exams and a tricky age with identity etc. And now you might be in a better position to support.

Regarding the siblings, do you have any contact with dad’s new partner or his wider family? Or any way to maintain the sibling relationship independently of dad?

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 16:45

The siblings do have various tech gadgets so could maintain contact if able to. I think that DC would like that and of course once they are all old enough one day, they can see each other without a problem.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/02/2022 16:46

I would let him do it...you are saying ask him to wait but it sounds like it has been in his head for a while and he's already done his thinking.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:50

You can't choose the name to go on formal examination certificates. It has to be a name you can prove is currently yours (ie Deed Poll etc).

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 16:52

Otherwise you would not be able to prove that the qualification is yours later on, fraud, etc etc.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/02/2022 16:58

Personally I think that your DC shouldn't be worried about the fall out and his Dad should be worried about why he feels this way and try to rectify it.

Doesn't come across like this would be the case though so it sounds as though he has a good head on his shoulders and if anyone else has an issue with it he's better off away from them.

He is changing to his other parents name, not a random one - why should his Dad's surname trump yours? I would support him in this as it sounds like his Dad doesn't support him at all!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2022 17:00

You know, once my DC were teens if they had a 'momentous decision' I'd tell them to 'write a paper'. It was really a more 'pro/con' list but for them to write down why they wanted to do 'whatever' as well as the reasons not to. Granted their 'momentous' decisions were body piercing, hair colouring, buying expensive tat, etc so nothing as serious as your DC's decision. They'd write down all the reasons (sensible and silly) and then I'd tell them to go over the lists themselves first and we'd go over them together once they'd double checked them. It usually helped them to see all the reasons in 'black and white' and to sift through everything until they made the right decision. And they usually did make the right decision.

Personally, I think your DC has a right to change his name, but writing it all down may help him really see his reasons for doing so and the possible consequences with his (waste of a) father.

UserBotLurking9to5 · 19/02/2022 17:02

My dd did this. Got the ball rolling at 18. Its all legal now.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/02/2022 17:02

And re. exam results, they will be in his legal name but he can change it afterwards and with proof of new name (once he's of age) they will issue out another copy. Assuming there will be a charge but not entirely sure. I was told to do this but haven't gotten round to it as I've not needed my certificates for a while!

HonestwithHope1 · 19/02/2022 17:06

@formalineadeline

Erm. No. Not true at all. I changed my surname informally aged 11 in high school- I was registered as first name - new surname (which was my mums boyfriend who only later became my stepdad years down the line)

Throughout highschool and all certificates before changing name via deadpoll, they were in my school name, not 'legal name'. No issues. The only current annoyance is ocassionally having to show my deed poll ex- my job required in depth vetting

Generally, even that's rare now, as all ID now, except birth certificate- is in my stepdads name

OP please don't overthink this. It's simple. You give permission. End of.

He wants it changed informally in school. The main parent consented. Get on with it :)

Re relationship. If his dad is a dick, it's no loss. Your son clearly sees that. Half sibling relationships are complicated and what you/the siblings make of it, he has years to work this out.

Original poster
dcnamechangedilemma · 19/02/2022 17:07

AcrossthePond that's a good idea about writing a list of reasons. It might also help to reinforce it in my mind as well that DC does know what they are doing and have valid reasons/feelings for doing so.

Re the exams, the birthday would be before any exams taken, but obviously I don't know what the time frame is for changing the name, and for entering the name on the exam, so will have to check all of that out if DC proceeds with this.

OP posts:
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