DC wants to change their surname

[dcnamechangedilemma]

Long time poster, name changed.

DC is now teenage , and wants to change their surname from their Father's name to mine. I reverted to my maiden name several years ago.

DC has asked school and school say that I have to be ok with this. No mention of father, whose details they do have.

Legally DC cannot change surname until they are 16, but apparently they can have a "known as " name at school.

Father has seen DC around 4-5 times in 2020 and same in 2021 using covid as an excuse. Father has not seen DC since before Christmas. Father rarely contacts DC between visits. Father moved several hours away a couple of years ago. DC has become more and more disillusioned with them.

I am concerned that if DC changes their name and father sees this on social media/school reports etc, then their father will ditch them for good. DC has half siblings with same surname. I would love DC to have my surname , but don't want DC to make such a huge decision if not taking on board the potential consequences.

I have tried to warn DC of the potential fall out from this, but DC is adamant that they want to change their name. What would you do if your DC wanted to do this? Have you been in a similar situation?

@RedCandyApple sorry I haven't read the whole thread. It can be changed before they are 16. I think the father can try and stop it but if he isn't on the scene he won't! I had mine changed legally, at age 10, I have no clue of the actual ins/outs of it. My dad hadn't in my life from age 2ish. That was in England with an English birth cert. I am sure it was legal and not just a goes by name as it is on my old passports, I also have the original deed poll papers.

OP, your DCs situation is different to mine but I can empathise, I HATED my dads surname. Hated writing it, being referred to by it or anyway associated with it. From about age 5 I stopped responding to it, one aunt in particular would say "Little Miss dads surname, come do this" and I point blank refused to acknowledge it was me being spoken to. Family said I was a headstrong little thing, which would be part, but I think also it shows how much a little kid can be hurt by things "they don't understand/ won't remember" I also felt like I didn't belong with my family who all had my mums maiden name.

I would say honestly that it may impact on relationship with father, and ask them to think about it for 6 months.

If they want to do it for Sept term, then I’d go ahead. Their father is hopeless anyway and they are old enough to do that.

Once you have the plan in place, I’d also write to school and say this is what you’re doing, so if your ex kicks up, you can explain it was properly thought about.

If they want to let them but unless it's done legally then their examination certificates will be in their old name etc. It is possible to do it under properly, I suggest she asks her dad, might make him realise he needs to step it up

Just a quick one to say that if they do use known as at school please please make sure the surname is changed before they get school certificates or they'll end up like me with the known as name on all certificates to get into college etc but all legal documents in original name (which I went back to using after high school) and having a right drama clearing it up!

Thanks mum!

[quote strawberrymilk7]@RedCandyApple sorry I haven't read the whole thread. It can be changed before they are 16. I think the father can try and stop it but if he isn't on the scene he won't! I had mine changed legally, at age 10, I have no clue of the actual ins/outs of it. My dad hadn't in my life from age 2ish. That was in England with an English birth cert. I am sure it was legal and not just a goes by name as it is on my old passports, I also have the original deed poll papers.

OP, your DCs situation is different to mine but I can empathise, I HATED my dads surname. Hated writing it, being referred to by it or anyway associated with it. From about age 5 I stopped responding to it, one aunt in particular would say "Little Miss dads surname, come do this" and I point blank refused to acknowledge it was me being spoken to. Family said I was a headstrong little thing, which would be part, but I think also it shows how much a little kid can be hurt by things "they don't understand/ won't remember" I also felt like I didn't belong with my family who all had my mums maiden name.[/quote]
Fortunately my daughter has exes and my surname, just not double barrelled, so she has two surnames, when I registered her I asked what way round I should put the names so that mine is the main one used day to day, the woman at the registry office told me I should put my name first if that’s what I want. It turned out she was wrong because literally everywhere dropped my surname and only referred to dd under exes surname. Even to the point I was called “miss x” often as people assumed that was also my name, I later found out with my name first people will assume my name is a middle name. I have officially dropped exes surname in day to day use so dd is now known under mine but I want exes surname completely removed from her name, I’ve been told by a solicitor that no judge will agree to completely remove a name, even with the father being absent. So I already technically use a known as surname but I would like to remove his officially. I asked for his permission when she was a baby but he said no.

[quote HonestwithHope1]@JustLyra

but it's far less common now because they know that they will be forced to change it back if the parent not in agreement insists.

Not in my experience.[/quote]
It is in my experience of 15 years working in schools, and of having a child who wanted to change her name against her father's wishes.

Schools have no choice. If the parent with PR insist the legal name is used then without a court order they have to do that. Its not optional.
The only time it can be done is if the other parent doesn't actively object.

D took my name a at 14.
Was “known as” at school until she was old enough for deed poll.
Exam certs were in her “known as” name.

That should not have happened. If it did, then that is because the school made a mistake when entering her for her exams.

Examination entries and certificates absolutely should not be in any unofficial name - exam boards should be verifying ID and they cannot do that if you are not using a correct name.

It also leaves the child at risk of ending up with certificates they later cannot prove are theirs.

Here is a link to one exam board explaining and confirming:

www.aqa.org.uk/exams-administration/entries/make-entries/entry-fields/student-name

There's a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

I offered DS the same and he chose to keep his name.
To be fair his is much nicer than mine which is why I put it on the birth certificate in the first place.
If your child has asked then I think it's reasonable to talk about why and agree if they still want to

My son insisted he be called by my last name since he was 3-4 years old. He hated his name being different than mine. He’s been known as my last name at school and every kind activity since 6 years old.

His legal last name reminds of him of how useless and selfish his father is and doesn’t want to be associated with it.

He rarely has any contact with his father anyway. The day he turns 16 he’s changing it. He’s not once wavered in 6 years and if he had his way he’d go to court to try and change it legally now.

Let your son be known as the name he wants.

I'm another one with exam certificates in unofficial 'known as' name all through school as when my mother married step father we just started being called by his with no official change🤷 can't say its ever caused me any problems despite birth certificate being in a different name. This was a long time ago though. I do actually have deed poll change to that name now due to divorce but decades later.

What fallout can there be, she's already an afterthought in her father's life.

Let her decide who she wants to be.

I love how people are so wrong about this but convinced they are right.

You may need to be 16 to do a deed poll without parental consent. but you do NOT need a deed poll to legally change your name. All you need to do is start using the new name without the intention to defraud. Deed poll is useful but not essential. How do I know? because I did at age 14 it and have never done a deed poll. All of my documents are in my chosen name apart from my birth certificate. Exams included.

@SausagePourHomme

I love how people are so wrong about this but convinced they are right.

You may need to be 16 to do a deed poll without parental consent. but you do NOT need a deed poll to legally change your name. All you need to do is start using the new name without the intention to defraud. Deed poll is useful but not essential. How do I know? because I did at age 14 it and have never done a deed poll. All of my documents are in my chosen name apart from my birth certificate. Exams included.

Surely you can't get a passport or a driving licence though? Not in your 'new' name anyway? What about DBS check?

@SausagePourHomme

I love how people are so wrong about this but convinced they are right.

You may need to be 16 to do a deed poll without parental consent. but you do NOT need a deed poll to legally change your name. All you need to do is start using the new name without the intention to defraud. Deed poll is useful but not essential. How do I know? because I did at age 14 it and have never done a deed poll. All of my documents are in my chosen name apart from my birth certificate. Exams included.

Can you get a passport and government documents in your changed name? And national insurance number?

I'm asking that genuinely as I didn't realise, not trying to be combative!

I got my provisional licence quite easily in my known name. I can't remember what I used as ID but for that but there would have been letters in my name. My national security card was issued in my new name as that's the one school had on file. Then obviously full licence which i used as ID for the other documents, passport etc. It has never given me any issues whatsoever.

I wonder if they've tightened up in more recent years. I couldn't apply for DCs passports without a million forms of ID. Including my parents marriage certificates. And birth certificates for DC and me.

Honestly if the dad would really ‘ditch’ the dc over such a predictable and minor teenage rebellion then they are probably better off without him in their lives 😔

Let then change their name.

@formalineadeline

D took my name a at 14. Was “known as” at school until she was old enough for deed poll. Exam certs were in her “known as” name.

That should not have happened. If it did, then that is because the school made a mistake when entering her for her exams.

Examination entries and certificates absolutely should not be in any unofficial name - exam boards should be verifying ID and they cannot do that if you are not using a correct name.

It also leaves the child at risk of ending up with certificates they later cannot prove are theirs.

Here is a link to one exam board explaining and confirming:

www.aqa.org.uk/exams-administration/entries/make-entries/entry-fields/student-name

There's a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

You are totally wrong. Probably because you are posting from an English perspective We are in Scotland so your link to an English exam board is irrelevant.

Please do not label things as misinformation because they are outside your knowledge.

I’d support dc on this. The so-called father has checked out and dc has recognised this.

@SausagePourHomme

I love how people are so wrong about this but convinced they are right.

You may need to be 16 to do a deed poll without parental consent. but you do NOT need a deed poll to legally change your name. All you need to do is start using the new name without the intention to defraud. Deed poll is useful but not essential. How do I know? because I did at age 14 it and have never done a deed poll. All of my documents are in my chosen name apart from my birth certificate. Exams included.

When were you 16?

I changed my name at 14 and didn’t need to deed poll.

My daughter changed hers at 17 and did. Things change. It’s nowhere near as easy now to just swap.

I would let them change it. I am estranged from my father and I hate being asked for my maiden name because I see it as ‘his’ name so I can’t imagine how bad I’d feel if I was actually still known by the same name as him.

They have tightened this up over the years, I was one who was known by my stepfathers name(70/80s)when I got to eighteen I had to have a statutory decalaration drawn up to state that I had been known by his name since the age of four. All my school records, exam certs etc where in his name so I needed to prove the link. I daren't lose it as it is my only link to my birth certificate and would have to get a new one drawn up if I lost it.

Flitting in and out
Of someone's life hurts much worse
Than full absence does

Id stop tip toeing around a man who isnt interested in his child...... If him seeing them changing their name isn't enough to give him a reality check then nothing is and he isn't worth the effort.

The only think id do is contact their dad and tell him what their child is planning and why. Other then that you need to allow your child to make their own decision.

Re exam certificates being in a different name, surely that's no different from change of name on marriage ie need to provide evidence of change of name, but not an insurmountable problem