To ask as a parent what I can do to make the most out of a shit secondary school?

[kheer]

I have a Ds who will be attending the dire local comp. Its shit and I would love my child to have gone to one of the few decent secondary schools in my town but I live where I live and could never have moved to an area with better schools. It is what it is.

So I am thinking ok so what can I do to support him, to nurture him so he gets the best out of those years.

Weirdly even though I live in a very deprived area we are walking distance to a private school which I did visit for a nosy and was blown away by it. The extra curricular stuff was amazing, the trips they went on, the Duke of Edinburgh award, the sporting opportunities, volunteering etc.some stuff the state schools just didn't have. A child would not just get a good education but they'd really be a really well rounded person by the end of it. (Hopefully!).

So obviously I know I can't replicate this for my child but I'm thinking there might be some things I can do as a parent and wondered if you could provide some helpful advice for me.

Scouting or Cadets if you can afford it can be amazing
Or getting heavily involved in a sport like rugby which offer traveling tours etc

Everyone here is assuming the op has a bright child who will read and discuss issues with his mum and spend time in the library! He might not be like this at all. Op The fact is that schools with tricky catchments can be great for extra curricular. They can also have staff that will go the extra mile. The key is to ensure your kid works hard and makes the best of the lessons and stuff on offer. I agree that you should also keep an eye on his friendship group.

I wouldn't let your child know what you think of his school. I would encourage to complete all the work and homework on time and pay for maths and English tutor privately if I could afford it

I’d be applying for a bursary at the private school (I did something similar myself and you are right, many private schools are amazing and (get this!) they treat the parents with respect!).

Or I’d be home schooling. There’s no way I’d send my child to a secondary school in a deprived area.

Pay for a tutor for weakest subject(s)
Cadets outside school
Local cricket or rugby club if he likes either
Help him get into top sets?
Speak to the head and make sure they know you have high expectations for him?

@Whatwouldscullydo

A positive attitude goes quite farthe fact that your anticipating shit means you'll get shit. Not to mention instilling your child with that oh so appealling 'better than this' attitude

Ofgs the classes aren't disrupted, bullying doesn't happen etc because a parent is expecting a school to be shit. What a bizarre post.

I would say the biggest thing to look out fir is the fact that any interests or gifts your child has will end up being bullied or ridiculed out of them. I'd say try to be encouraging to try and counter act the influence if all the others having little interest in anything.

Amd just keep a close eye on the situations . Stay on top of things. Be that parebt of you have to.

I think the point was more being made so that the parent didn't let the child know how shit the school was and not to repeat infront of him and be positive even tho she knows it's shit herself !

My kids go to the local comp, had a shit reputation from the days my dad went there.
Can honestly say, they're flourishing. Academically and personally. I really am so proud if them

That’s pretty horrible though @collieresponder88.

Op have you taken the time to speak to the school to see what’s on offer, even if at a cost? Often these schools do have things to offer, just not well publicised.

@cansu I was not assumig he was a bright child at all! The advice almost everyone has given applies to children of all abilities. The ky is to try as hard as you can. Average and less able students use the libarary too you know! There are books in there for all reading abilities. The important thing is to develop a love of learning. Independent learning makes for interesting and interested children. One of the nicest students I ever taught was made bkeen on fishing. He was not at all academic, but there was nothing he didn't know about fish and fishing. He was so interesting to talk to - very articular and buzzing with enthusiasm.

D of E, cadets, scouts - none of the requires academic ability. What it can do is develop discipline, resilience and team work.

I would echoe what a pp said about doing all you can to help him fit in and stay below the radar. I know its very sad, but making sure he has a bag similar to what the other boys have, or a coat etc. Thi is why school uniforms are really helpful. I'm not advocating you buy designer gear, but just things that are not going to make him an easier target. I hate this even as I'm typing it. I wish that every kid could embrace their individuality, but no one wants their child to suffer, and if keeping off the radar of bullies helps, then do it.

OP could run for Parent Governor.

I'd advise her to take her son out to as wide a variety of museums (especially the ones that are engaging to tweens) and places of history as she can, so that he can learn about how we got to where we are now.

Get him to do as many activities as he can, and is interested in. He might drop some, but hopefully pick up new ones. Nothing wrong with that.

YouTube is a great resource for maths and science videos. Get him into something, does he like space, or building things, or nature? Does he have a specialist subject? If so, encourage him with that.

Being creative is good too. Writing, painting, knitting, sewing, drawing...all good things for concentration and getting feelings out. Sport teaches discipline, teamwork and is good for the mood. If you have a garden, ask him to help. All these start conversations and might encourage him to go away and find out more online or in books.

I find the curriculum to be quite narrow and my dc goes to a "good school" (subjective). So going on little diversions from his subjects broadens knowledge. If he does something in history, pick a small element of that (how did boys dress during the Second World War, for example) and see if he would like to dress like that, or if he prefers his clothes now. Or what games the Tudors played. Anything like that.

Everyone here is assuming the op has a bright child who will read and discuss issues with his mum and spend time in the library! He might not be like this at all.

Sure, the OPs son might not declare himself a bookish swot. But most of what we associate with ‘brightness’ in a person comes from early and consistent exposure to the best our culture has to offer.

It’s not all about reading, of course! Feeling at ease at a dining table , and being able to order something more complicated than pizza in a restaurant means you don’t have to avoid such situations.

Knowing how to pronounce words, not being scared to enter a theatre, having the confidence to hold conversations with adults you don’t know are all important. I’ve heard adults say they had no idea what a university was until their mid-twenties. Others thinking you needed to wear evening dress to concerts. Some schools don’t help pupils to absorb these random things - so without parental guidance they go out into the world locked out of quite large sections of it. And “not for the likes of us” is really educationally damaging.

My DC went to the local school also described as shit. Very deprived catchment. First year bit hairy again the second as an earlier poster said but not really affecting DC too much there were a couple of incidents. Now at the end of the school years got 5 A at over 80% and also benefitted from coming from a deprived school when it came to uni. I was totally stressed out but it will work out and if it doesn’t it’s easier to get moved schools than trying to get into another school off the bat. Good luck

(Sorry, endless typos.)

I'd look at scouts (for the DofE, for the independence, trips etc). I'd also ensure he has 1 good language through tuition. As a private school graduate I think the difference between me and my dc - who is at an OK secondary - (or my dh who was at a crap secondary) is confidence. Confidence to be who you are in a hotel, at an airport, in a restaurant, in a work conference etc. Some of that can be gained through experience - so travel is definitely up there.
I'd also ensure that he doesn't have any learning needs - and if he does these are well documented and acted upon - which will be difficult to obtain in school if his needs aren't significant.

I think the point was more being made so that the parent didn't let the child know how shit the school was and not to repeat infront of him and be positive even tho she knows it's shit herself !

Op has stated nothing indicating she intends to make the kid aware of how horrible the place is though.

And let's be honest here he will sadky find out himself soon enough. It soon ends up pretty impossible and completely discrediting to you as a parent to be one od those ridiculous parents who tries to turn every incident into a positive life experience.

" don't worry about that kid who just pulled a chunk out of your hair on thr way home, now there's less to brush "

" hey look mini scully there's still rice in your hair from the lunchtime incident that's dinner sorted"

Sometimes you just have to acknowledge its a shit hole. Positive attitude my arse tbh

Friendships are massive for children when they get to secondary so I would encourage really positive friendship groups and encourage your DC to have friends over so you can ‘vet’ them. I’d second getting DC into clubs outside of school as well so they can widen their circle.

Talk to DC too. The children who do well in tough schools are usually the ones with supportive families.

Really interesting thread - I hope your son does well OP.

I've read a few threads about how to get help kids to get the most out of school, and it seems like the same kind of things come up as in this thread.

Tutoring, honestly. Perhaps not right away but from 13/14 to make sure he gets great GCSEs and can go on to a better 6th form. Start saving now. You might not need it but be prepared.

Otherwise would echo what others have said. Character building out of school stuff like DofE to meet wider circle of kids. Cool boy hobby like karate, swimming or a team sport. Anything the school might be good at like drama. Make sure his clothes bags haircut etc don’t stand out.

He should be insulated from the worst if he gets into higher sets. Get to know the teachers, some might be great. Be engaged in school.

Out of school so as much to trigger thought as possible. Regular family news watching, good docs on Netflix, free cultural stuff. Try and encourage a language at school.

And then aim to move him at 6th form. See if that local private school does places for local kids. Some do.

I’d also think about out of school activities you can take him to out of area that may be a better match . Scouting was brilliant for our kids- they mixed with a different group who were engaged and not disruptive. Scouting gave them loads of confidence in their young leaders programme, and DoE awards, and stuff like overnight hikes at quite a young age (30 miles , camping, fend for themselves but with close monitors all the way round) . It also let them play safely with high risk stuff like knifes (whittling) , fire, and all the outdoor pursuits. I’m guessing that a good sports club would do something similar
Save up money to get additional private tuition in GCSE AND A level years in subjects it’s needed. Your not going to be able to afford it from the start or for all subjects, but start saving now for when you really need it- a good tutor to supplement in those exam years can make a lot of difference due to the one on one teaching- (I don’t think you get better teaching, it’s more that 1:1 ) they can’t hide behind copying off friends etc and their issues and roadblocks show up more easily so can be resolved.
And as everyone says do everything you can at home to broaden their horizons, tea together is an excellent point someone mentioned either in discussion or watching news and talking about it. Lots of visits to cultural things like museums (often free) and occasional theatre or concert trips, days out to “ historic “ attractions, wildlife, or interesting geographic trips. Think outside box as expose them to as many different things as possible
If it’s aviaible and you can afford it, learning an instrument is good too- it develops the habit of learning something through repetition…that not everything is simply read and learn it. My eldest wasn’t naturally one for persistence when he couldn’t get something first time- learning the guitar was a game changer for him…funnily enough during his A level revision he’d take his time out in front of you tube learning a new piece..he actually found it a good way to de-stress and be a bit mindless

I went to a shit comp and it did change me but I think my resilience and support at home made a massive difference. I would recommend trying to maintain a good social/hobby network outside of school as this will balance out the school being difficult and feel like it’s just one element of life rather than “everything”.

If you want your son to do the like of DofE, sports and volunteering you don’t need a school to organise those things. You can do them yourself for him.

Concur with everything about extra curricular activities. Plus
Offer him the opportunity to try other sports such as climbing. Many indoor Walls around now for beginners and young people.
Kayak clubs.
Encourage independence, by nights away from you.
When our DS joined the Army, many of the boys had never spent a night away from home, they were bewildered and homesick.
Classic FM when young and Radio 4 & 3 when older as background to life.
Good Luck you will succeed because you are thinking ahead. If only my parents had......

I feel sorry for decent kids with caring parents knowing they have no choice but to send their DC to schools with too many DC with learning and behavioural difficulties, unmanaged, from neglectful chaotic homes. I feel sorry for those kids, too, but I don't want them in my child's class, thanks.

You could do a lot more good for your kids if you don’t send them out in to the world with this heinous attitude.

Where do you think those kids should go then? Shall we just stick them in an institution and forget about them, let them become adults of the future that you and your kids taxes will support?

If you got down off that high horse for a minute and join with the parents of those kids fighting for them to be better supported in mainstream schools, then everyone wins. Unless you’re only interested in being out for what your kids can get?

Support your child as much as you can. Let him know the value of education and not to let others influence him the wrong way. Talk to him a lot about his future and help him stay focussed on that.
I talk from the experience of having dcs at a comp that’s not too bad but my dcs are influenced by the culture of those around them.
As an example, it’s fine to be clever but never to do the extra or extension work. My dcs read but would never borrow a book from the school library as they’d get teased for reading
For my dcs, I help them with their work, signed them up to sites like Seneca, Check what homework they have, buy them the textbooks for science, make sure they understand what they’re learning in each subject and use resources if they need to understand it, make sure they’re reading books and newspapers from time to time.
Duke of Edinburgh and sports out of school helped as well as getting involved with charities.