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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away the Xbox for a week?

91 replies

Butterbegood · 18/02/2022 19:04

DS 12 has restricted time gaming and controls in his phone re: how long he can use the phone per day, and what he can do in it.
The last couple Of months that we have been battling re gaming time in particular. Today he was allowed a couple of hours as he’s in hols. Told him no more gaming , not on phone and not on Xbox today.
Found out he’s been on phone games plus downloaded new apps to his phone ( Tik Tok and others) that we’ve said no too.
This isn’t the first time that he’s got round controls to get more time or play games. He’s constant pushing boundaries but generally a good kid, does okay at school, plays sports etc
I told him he’d lose the Xbox for a week - DP is wondering if that’s too strict but given that this is about the 4th or 5th time he’s been caught like this I feel like he needs consequences.
Have tried explaining why he can’t have unlimited gaming time and unrestricted internet access but apparently we’re the worst parents in the world…
AIBU in taking his Xbox for a week and restricting the phone to calls and messaging only??

OP posts:
PlainOldMe80 · 18/02/2022 19:22

I punish my son in the same way so I'd say YANBU.

GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 19:25

god help you both when they get to14/ 15/16

BurbageBrook · 18/02/2022 19:26

YANBU in that he did break the rules but your rules seem a little uptight.

balalake · 18/02/2022 19:42

YANBU and worth challenging it now to save a lot of pain later.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 19:43

A week is too long, IMO, but I’d be wanting to see his phone/delete apps as appropriate.

Sidhdbej · 18/02/2022 19:47

Why such strict controls though? And what would you prefer he be doing? He's 12 at some point they need to start being able to decide what they want to do with their free time, I 100% agree school/homework/sport comes first but gaming is how teenagers "hang out" now, if he doesn't have other things that take priority why can't he choose how to spend his free time?

GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 19:47

@balalake

YANBU and worth challenging it now to save a lot of pain later.
how will it save a lot of pain for later? the older (and bigger, stronger) they get the more they push the boundaries
ElleGB · 18/02/2022 19:49

Does he have an iPhone? You can set up family sharing and there’s a bit where you have to approve any apps he downloads - you get a notification. I use it with my son.

JustWonderingIfYou · 18/02/2022 19:50

Yeah, do it. I think most kids thrive with a digital detox. He'll be stroppy for a couple of days and then remember other ways to entertain himself.

Lack of one toy should hardly end his world.

PlainOldMe80 · 18/02/2022 20:03

@GirlInACountrySong

god help you both when they get to14/ 15/16
Why? My eldest is 19 and perfectly normal and not traumatised by her upbringing at all Grin
Original poster
Butterbegood · 18/02/2022 23:57

‘ god help you both when they get to14/ 15/16’

Why exactly??

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 00:00

‘ Why such strict controls though? And what would you prefer he be doing? ’
Don’t really care, but after a couple of hours gaming plus telly time In one day I would hope he’d play with his sibs ( which he does), go out to see friends, play with his other stuff, ride his bike etc
Do whatever. But also not lie or sneak around and disobey

OP posts:
kateg27 · 19/02/2022 00:07

You sound like the ultimate fun sponge. Play with his siblings? He's 12, almost a teenager, not 5.
Tou are making it so your son, is the one others make fun of.
Times have moved on from when you were little, things have changed.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 00:08

If he's generally good, I'd personally try a more grown up approach with him. You're going to have to make that move soonish anyway, so why not now as it's clear the current system doesn't work. Give him a chance to self-regulate instead of setting arbitrary limits and punishments.

CityCommuter · 19/02/2022 00:35

@Butterbegood YABU and you're being far too strict and old fashioned... I assume you're an older parent and don't understand how 12 year olds interact with each other in modern times. Gaming is a big part of their lives and it's far from a solitary hobby, they're communicating with their friends, chatting away and having fun. Most families were very thankful for gaming during lockdown as it meant their kids could still have fun and keep in contact with friends instead of being left out like some were with strict parents...

You need to loosen up and move with the times for your sons sake. He sounds like a good kid so stop trying to make him into John Boy from the Walton's. Let him have Tik Tok, it's harmless and most kids his age have it... do you want him to become a nerd... wouldn't it be worse if he didn't want modern things or friends but instead preferred stamp collecting on his own? You'd be wishing he was the opposite then...

GirlInACountrySong · 19/02/2022 01:08

@kateg27

You sound like the ultimate fun sponge. Play with his siblings? He's 12, almost a teenager, not 5. Tou are making it so your son, is the one others make fun of. Times have moved on from when you were little, things have changed.

Absolutely

GirlInACountrySong · 19/02/2022 01:10

@Butterbegood

‘ god help you both when they get to14/ 15/16’

Why exactly??

Because you will be battling harder...can't you see that he's outgrown your 'rules'

Play with his siblings? Ok so maybe he doesn't want to.

Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 01:10

Ok, so taking onboard feedback - 2 hours gaming time in one day plus tv time isn’t too much so for those who agree with that then how much gaming time do your 12 year olds get?
And what else do they do in a day, usually? And are they getting 2 hours a day +
And I if you don’t check their phones or they time spent on them,
Are they self monitoring on screen time okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 01:14

‘ Play with his siblings? Ok so maybe he doesn't want to.’
The upshot is - when he’s away from screens - we’ve been away for a week without gaming or phones - he happily does other things and plays with
Siblings.
When we have the Xbox or phone games as an option it’s a constant battle over time and he’s obsessed with playing and ride and aggressive regardless of of time allowed on devices.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 01:18

How good teens are at self-regulating will differ, just like it does with adults. But you need to be giving him a chance and then helping him to self correct when necessary. At some point you have to have the reins of his life over and it's much kinder to do that a little bit at a time and help him along than control everything until he's 18 and has no clue how to manage anything himself.

Why don't you sit down with him and talk about everything he needs to do in a day, how he can manage his time and then let him have a go. He'll almost certainly fuck up a bit, but just be there to talk it through, make the changes.

You need to work with him.not against him at this age.

Redroceritsover · 19/02/2022 02:41

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Seemssounfair · 19/02/2022 03:15

When ds started spending more time on screens we didnt limit it we helped get him more engaged in other things instead so his screen time naturally reduced and it was never a battle.

He is just a child, but turning into a teen he needs help to develop other hobbies , that are personal to his interests not just play with sibs and not time controls on the one thing he enjoys.

‘ god help you both when they get to14/ 15/16’

I would interpret this as the devils makes work for idle hands. If he has things that interest him and keep him productively occupied he will have less inclination to go looking for the other inappropriate things to do through boredom and you will have less battles when he hits the teen years.

bardos · 19/02/2022 04:12

I personally do not restrict screen time and my daughter hardly ever sits for hours on end in front of one. However, today I kept her off school and obviously did not go anywhere due to the weather, and she took the iPad to bed and lay in bed watching it all morning- I asked if she wanted to play and she said no. I think just like adults, kids also need time to do what they want to relax. I like to sit on the sofa watching tv in the evening, so if on a boring day my daughter wants to do the same, why is that so wrong?

I understand not wanting them on it 24/7, but it seems he's pushing boundaries and sneaking on his phone, because he knows he wouldn't be allowed if he asked

haikyew · 19/02/2022 04:58

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PinkSyCo · 19/02/2022 06:57

I think allowing a 12 year old only two hours gaming time per day in the school holidays is really tight, especially when the weather’s too shit for bike rides or meeting up with mates. How old are the siblings you expect him to play with and are they into the same things as him?

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