To take away the Xbox for a week?

[Butterbegood]

DS 12 has restricted time gaming and controls in his phone re: how long he can use the phone per day, and what he can do in it.
The last couple Of months that we have been battling re gaming time in particular. Today he was allowed a couple of hours as he’s in hols. Told him no more gaming , not on phone and not on Xbox today.
Found out he’s been on phone games plus downloaded new apps to his phone ( Tik Tok and others) that we’ve said no too.
This isn’t the first time that he’s got round controls to get more time or play games. He’s constant pushing boundaries but generally a good kid, does okay at school, plays sports etc
I told him he’d lose the Xbox for a week - DP is wondering if that’s too strict but given that this is about the 4th or 5th time he’s been caught like this I feel like he needs consequences.
Have tried explaining why he can’t have unlimited gaming time and unrestricted internet access but apparently we’re the worst parents in the world…
AIBU in taking his Xbox for a week and restricting the phone to calls and messaging only??

@NuffSaidSam

If he's generally good, I'd personally try a more grown up approach with him. You're going to have to make that move soonish anyway, so why not now as it's clear the current system doesn't work. Give him a chance to self-regulate instead of setting arbitrary limits and punishments.

This. A 'digital detox' as mentioned about is good for kids but your approach needs tweaking. Currently you're treating him like a small child and that may bite you on your backside if it carries on. He's on the cusp of the teens and being a teen sucks as it is without being punished for every little thing by your parents.

Ask him what he thinks would be fair, ask his opinion and then come to a compromise. He needs to learn how to self regulate.

Although my son is only 8, so not comparable to dealing with teachers, we took his Xbox off him because he started getting really defiant towards his time restrictions and always trying to push the boundaries. He would complain and get really stroppy whenever we told him to turn it off and we told him that if he couldn’t stick to his time limits then we’d take it off him and when he continued complaining that’s what we did. He’s been without it for over 2 months now and although the first few weeks were hard he doesn’t even mention it now and it’s lovely.

Like I said though, I know this isn’t comparable to teenagers as that’s how they socialise now.

However, my sister’s son is 16 and he spends all his time in his bedroom on his Xbox. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not and he hardly comes downstairs. Over the weekends he will turn it on as soon as hr wakes up and sit on it until 1-2am. In the week, he disappears up to his room and plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep.

It really is like he’s addicted.

Now I know there is fault on my sister’s side for allowing it to happen but she said that never really restricts him because it wasn’t worth the fall out and she didn’t want to stop him playing with his friends. I think her situation shows that unless dealt with, unrestricted access to technology can snowball until you find yourself in a situation that becomes very difficult to deal with.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

How can he go out with his friends when he can't arrange anything with them because he's not allowed his phone?

Why let him have a phone at all if that's the case?

I don't think you should remove the Xbox completely for the week but if you're firm on time allowed then stick with it.

‘ YABU and you're being far too strict and old fashioned... I assume you're an older parent and don't understand how 12 year olds interact with each other in modern times. ’

1. I’m not an older parent 2) I was and am a gamer 3) I work in Education with kids around that age!

Of course I understand that he socialises online, he also socialises offline when kicked of the devices. My issue is the time spent - there is ALWAYS someone online at any given time to play with but these kids are mainly from school so he sees them too
And 2) the sneaking around, disabling parental controls ( even tho he knows he’ll be caught) to download apps and game he’s been told he can’t have because of age restrictions.
Tried talking to him, and have tried self regulation but the issue is he will literally game for 6/7/8 hours given the choice. But when his limitedtime is up he goes off and does other things

‘How can he go out with his friends when he can't arrange anything with them because he's not allowed his phone?

Why let him have a phone at all if that's the case? ‘
He has a phone - he can call and message as much as he likes, it’s apps and certain games that are restricted. He hasn’t actually ever lost his phone. We also live somewhere we’re many of his friends live around our street, and if he were to go to the park on any given day someone would be there too.

So anyone with kids this age - HOW much gaming time per day, school days and weekends, do you give your child?
And do they still get their activities done, homework done, eat dinner with you etc and have time for that as well as lots of screen time?

I have 2 teenage boys and they get 2hrs gaming each on weekends and school holidays. None during the school week. There’s no resentment and they’re happy.
Do what works best for your dcs.

You need to loosen up and move with the times for your sons sake. He sounds like a good kid so stop trying to make him into John Boy from the Walton's. Let him have Tik Tok, it's harmless and most kids his age have it... do you want him to become a nerd... wouldn't it be worse if he didn't want modern things or friends but instead preferred stamp collecting on his own? You'd be wishing he was the opposite then...

This is so obnoxious. I mean, god forbid your child be a 'nerd' or liked things that aren't 'modern'. Seriously? You say that like it's an awful outcome or would make him an embarrassment of a child. Jesus. Race to the bottom or to be just like everyone else.

@Butterbegood

How long so you give him on school nights?

I would suggest two hours on school nights and weekend and holidays are negotiable depending on what else you need to do. But more than the two hours.

You can say you have had two hours on the xbox you or we all go out and on your bike with your mates or we are going out to wherever and later you can go on the xbox again.

So you break it up a bit.

Does he get aggressive while on it or after?

What parental app do you use?
Certainly make sure he is off gaming and the phone in time to wind down for bed.

This will be an ongoing issue from now on really. All that my teen girls (13 and 14), want to do when at home is be on their phones. One does make up practice and experiments on different looks sometimes though.

I still have restrictions on their phones as we have had multiple issues with me having to call the police due to their usage despite having parental controls. Which I dont think is the norm. But my eldest has SN and just does not get done things no matter how many times it is explained by several people as well as me.

‘John Boy from the Walton’s’ 😄
That might be my favourite yet ! We’re trying to find a balance between online and offline for him. So that he reads books, plays outside, socialises IRL as well as using tech.
I don’t subscribe to the ‘everyone else has it so that’s okay’ line of parenting anyway. Tik Tok isnt harmless, no social media is harmless which is why most SM has age restrictions. And why SM is linked to the huge increase in mental health issues amongst young people.
With the kids I work with the happiest, well adjusted ones doing well or okay in school aren’t the ones who’s parents give them unlimited freedom and who are glued to their phones all day. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
It is hard though. Hard to regulate and help kids find the balance while engaging with their peers via tech.

@RoseMartha
‘How long so you give him on school nights?’

He has 3 hours to use on gaming Mon -Thurs and choose when he plays. So he might play 2 nights or 3 nights shorter time. That actually works fine - not much fuss as most of his friends have similar restrictions in school nights or are just off busy with sports and clubs so not online.
He’s so much more pleasant on the nights where he knows he has no gaming time left and just hangs out and plays or does other stuff.

He’s so much more pleasant on the nights where he knows he has no gaming time left and just hangs out and plays or does other stuff.

I found this too. As mine grew older and started to get more homework, they were able to focus on that better if there was no gaming to rush for.

Absolutely do it. As a secondary teacher, I wish more parents would have harsher consequences around screen time, it really affect their ability to focus on anything that doesn’t involve a screen.

Since the closures we are really struggling with the behaviour of SOME children who have had extended time at home with few consequences or boundaries. It’s essential to follow through with consequences.

Also, so many are now far more obsessed with their devices than they were before the closures. Some of the boys talk about gaming non stop, I hear them saying how they sneak onto them at all hours. (Obviously, I am not talking about all children).

The kids may say they hate you now, but will thank you in the long run. It also makes the children more receptive to boundaries at school.

You sound like a fab mum!

‘ He has 3 hours to use on gaming Mon -Thurs and choose when he plays.’

That’s 3 hours total across the week, not 3 hours a day ( unless he decides to use the 3 hours in one go, which has t happened yet!)

Thanks @Chuckles19 I find that reassuring…
Now if I could just find a way to get the little bugger to read for pleasure…

I have sons who are now almost 19 and almost 16 and quite honestly I didn't really restrict their gaming etc. The rule was you put in effort with homework and school reports have to say you are applying yourself. However, we did have family dinners, watch TV shows together, play board games and they had a hobby they went to twice a week plus they both read before bed, it was expected. Ds2 still reads. So they had a variety of things as well as the gaming side which leads into a social side, gaming with friends and then conversations at school. But there were rules in place too. They had to come off when asked with no complaining and they both voluntarily got off when Dh came through the door after work to greet him or we returned with a Costco haul or supermarket shop. They helped put it away. They did chores (no pay) helped make dinner and cleared up after dinner.

I think if a parent is modelling reading, playing with the children, sewing or whatever, going out to hobbies it is one thing, if a parent is binge watching tv, on MN or Instagram etc then it is hypocritical to say to a child you have to read whilst we watch GOT or whatever.

I do think that 3 hours from Mon-Thurs is restrictive. He'll come out of school at what 3pm? He'll have some homework and then whatever his bedtime is. What does he do to entertain himself on evenings? But holidays are meant to be fun, let him game. My parents worked when we were children so we spent our holidays doing whatever we wanted, no direction from the parents. It was bliss.

@Butterbegood
My teens are calmer when not on her phone. I get this.

That sounds fair. Then do you give him longer in holidays?

I do think restricting gaming and the phone is important. But likewise you need to review timings at regular intervals and increase now and then.

I would have a discussion with him about needing to talk to you about apps he would like. Can you put a block on him downloading them?

Then go through each app he downloaded with him and decide if he can use it or not. And say why and when he is likely to be allowed it.

Restricting him from using all the apps because he hasnt followed the rules makes sense. But I dont think I would totally ban the xbox for the week also.

@Butterbegood

‘ He has 3 hours to use on gaming Mon -Thurs and choose when he plays.’

That’s 3 hours total across the week, not 3 hours a day ( unless he decides to use the 3 hours in one go, which has t happened yet!)

3 hours across the week is very restrictive. I think you are spending too much time controlling, restricting and punishing his gaming and it’s forcing him to try and sneak around. Some kids do fine with less gaming, but your son is very much into it and your approach isn’t working, it’s just causing him to lie to you. So why not meet him half way?

Making gaming such a highly sought after prize isn’t helping the situation. And personally I’d punish by taking the phone rather than the Xbox, you are just hitting him were it hurts with an indirect consequence doing that. If you took the phone because he bypassed your restrictions and downloaded apps he’s not allowed then taking the phone is the direct consequence, and also stops him being able to do more sneaky things, because the Xbox is far easier to monitor his use of in real time.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd!!!? Ffs

Just to add both my children are high graders, Ds1 got 4 x A* at A level and Ds2 is about to sit his mock GCSEs and should come out with mostly 9s. Because we ensure the homework is done and they are motivated to do their best. That was the rule since primary.

Also my sons had desktop gaming computers which are downstairs in a study room they had. Phone were handed over at night as a precaution and a no consequences rule if they felt like they needed an intervention with their phones. Just ask and we will take them off you etc.

They weren't gaming all night which obviously some teens are.

@Butterbegood

‘John Boy from the Walton’s’ 😄 That might be my favourite yet ! We’re trying to find a balance between online and offline for him. So that he reads books, plays outside, socialises IRL as well as using tech. I don’t subscribe to the ‘everyone else has it so that’s okay’ line of parenting anyway. Tik Tok isnt harmless, no social media is harmless which is why most SM has age restrictions. And why SM is linked to the huge increase in mental health issues amongst young people. With the kids I work with the happiest, well adjusted ones doing well or okay in school aren’t the ones who’s parents give them unlimited freedom and who are glued to their phones all day. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. It is hard though. Hard to regulate and help kids find the balance while engaging with their peers via tech.

I agree. My 15 yr old isn't allowed any SM at all. He understands why.

I just don't understand why you're punishing restricted phone use by taking his Xbox away. It doesn't make any sense.

See to me you're using a lot of words to say that you don't trust your parenting and the shit you've installed in your kid. He's rebelling because you're trying to control his every move. You need to unclench slightly and get him involved in what's fair.

‘ just don't understand why you're punishing restricted phone use by taking his Xbox away. It doesn't make any sense.’

Because he used the phone to play a game for another 2 hrs. Then when I looked at the phone I realised he had added other stuff.
And honestly, taking away gaming time is the most effective consequences for him.

@Butterbegood

‘ just don't understand why you're punishing restricted phone use by taking his Xbox away. It doesn't make any sense.’

Because he used the phone to play a game for another 2 hrs. Then when I looked at the phone I realised he had added other stuff.
And honestly, taking away gaming time is the most effective consequences for him.

But he can still carry on ignoring you breaking the rules on his phone…

I have found 12 to be peak xbox obsession age! Personally I dont restrict my boys gaming, but it naturally limits itself by us only having one TV in the house, plus them having a sport or hobby most days. My 15 year old hardly ever plays it now as he has other stuff he'd rather be doing, but my 12 year old jumps on most days for an hour or two.