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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take away the Xbox for a week?

91 replies

Butterbegood · 18/02/2022 19:04

DS 12 has restricted time gaming and controls in his phone re: how long he can use the phone per day, and what he can do in it.
The last couple Of months that we have been battling re gaming time in particular. Today he was allowed a couple of hours as he’s in hols. Told him no more gaming , not on phone and not on Xbox today.
Found out he’s been on phone games plus downloaded new apps to his phone ( Tik Tok and others) that we’ve said no too.
This isn’t the first time that he’s got round controls to get more time or play games. He’s constant pushing boundaries but generally a good kid, does okay at school, plays sports etc
I told him he’d lose the Xbox for a week - DP is wondering if that’s too strict but given that this is about the 4th or 5th time he’s been caught like this I feel like he needs consequences.
Have tried explaining why he can’t have unlimited gaming time and unrestricted internet access but apparently we’re the worst parents in the world…
AIBU in taking his Xbox for a week and restricting the phone to calls and messaging only??

OP posts:

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/02/2022 09:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

trumpisagit · 19/02/2022 10:00

I do think you need to make some adjustments so he has some more control.
At some point he needs to learn to make the choice to turn off devices and do something else.
I have kids of similar age, and older. Their time on devices isn't restricted, but they have to do the after school activities they are signed up to, do homework to a good standard and join in with meal times.
Also reasonable bedtimes with no devices in rooms.
They do choose to go out and meet their friends etc. Sign up for after school clubs etc so gaming is not all they choose to do.

Elieza · 19/02/2022 10:03

You said you’ve told him what the punishment will be.

If you go back on what you said then it lets him know to push your boundaries and you’ll capitulate.

That’s not good. He needs to know that what you say is law. And indeed that some rules (like the law) can’t be wheedled round. Or he won’t respect anyone.

So in future, whatever you decide to do, I’d suggest you don’t dish out punishments at the time if you think they may be too hard. Instead tell him there will be consequences for his actions. And discuss with your partner or take time yourself to consider what would be appropriate.
Then tell him.

zingally · 19/02/2022 10:07

I dunno...

You say he's a good kid, doing well at school etc, and otherwise nice?

I feel like personally I'd pick another battle.

girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 10:11

@Butterbegood

‘ He has 3 hours to use on gaming Mon -Thurs and choose when he plays.’

That’s 3 hours total across the week, not 3 hours a day ( unless he decides to use the 3 hours in one go, which has t happened yet!)

You can't even play a cooperative game in less than 40 minutes. OP this is really extreme.

OhWhyNot · 19/02/2022 10:12

I found it worked well

A few days without gaming and ds stopped asking and was in a much better mood it’s so addictive

It didn’t stop him pushing boundaries completely he is that age

CharSiu · 19/02/2022 10:18

DS is a young adult now. At High school I let him self regulate apart from a couple of weeks removal when his GCSE exams were coming up.

He was on for at least a couple of hours everyday. In High school he did a combination of football teams at school and a local club, air cadets, volunteering at park run and a once a week paper round. He also worked as a kitchen assistant for a few months. He also often went to the local park for a quick kick about. We lived a 5 min walk from his school and the park. That’s relevant, DH had to commute by train in to London for school which took an hour each way, I had a walk of 45 mins in the quite rural area I grew up in. What a waste of time that all was for all those years.

I also gamed with him sometimes as did his Dad. We still game together. DH is a Professor and I also worked in higher education till I retired. DH and I were programming back in the 1990’s so even though we are older we have always had a lot of tech at home and when it was in its infancy.

He got three A levels at grade A. He is similar to us loves lots of playing sport and lots of gaming.

You say you are a gamer. What type of games do you play?

CharSiu · 19/02/2022 10:22

No computers or consoles were allowed in the bedroom at all until he was 16. We still choose to never have any kind of electronic stuff in the bedroom.

Notanotherwindow · 19/02/2022 10:27

I think you need to be less strict with the time restrictions tbh otherwise he'll never learn to self regulate. Stayed up till midnight gaming? Too tired for school? Tough. You're going anyway and it'll teach you better for next time.

If he is rude and aggressive from gaming too much just take it off him for the day every time he is rude. Aggressiveness loses it for the whole week. Again, consequences. He'll learn. Lying and dishonesty. OK, fine then he can't be trusted, take his phone off him and he has to earn it back.

No game time or phone until homework is completed and chores are done.

You don't need such strict controls and rules, it doesn't do them any favours to treat them like they're 8 years old still. I'd be sneaking behind your back too at his age.

Give him a bit more control over how he spends his time and more responsibility for his behaviour. Make it clear what the expectations are for behaviour and attitude, how many warnings he gets and what the punishment will be. Specify what exactly bad attitude and rudeness looks like. He is old enough to get this.

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 11:18

Some good comments and I’ll
Sit him down and talk to him. Funny how the one thing he’s fine with - strict gaming time during the school week- is the one thing he’s fine about! I should say that he other screen time isn’t restricted so although he can’t play Fortnite he can watch tv.
Decided to take away his time this weekend only and talk to him. But yes gaming does make him ruder, talk back, complain about getting off, angry so giving him more time in the school week will not work for us. He does not self regulate - tried that. Hopefully it will come. But until he matured a bit we’ll stick to trying to parent him.

OP posts:

GirlInACountrySong · 19/02/2022 11:32

Just for balance though

Op is not completely wrong in having some rules around this

Your 16 year olds could come and work for us ( huge retail company, non food)

We pay well. But oh boy!! The phone use is off the scale

The minute they leave the shopfloor it's head down in their phone...that's if they aren't sneaking looks at it whilst working. Sit in the canteen it's silence, no interaction

Balance is key but they don't seem able to regulate themselves. I even see them walking home up the hill head down in the phone

gamerchick · 19/02/2022 11:35

You would be better off taking away Fortnite tbh. Awful game, turns kids demonic. I've had to ban it as has friends of mine with their kids. They get over it and are nicer humans as a result.

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 11:47

Yeah, Fortnite. I know but they are ageing out of that one mostly, thank goodness. But there are other almost as bad ones out there… they don’t all have the same consoles so go to those types as they can play together in grps.
Comments have been helpful. I think
More freedom in weekend but same rules on school
Nights might be the way to go.
Like I said, I work in Secondary education and the issues around screen time and gaming affecting reading abilities, the word gap, attention span and knock on effects of that on non-literacy subjects are huge so we won’t be budging on school night rules.
I think parents forget how much kids from yr 7 + are using screens now in school too- from quiz games, to homework, emails from school, front of class teaching, Google classroom to do work and hand in homework on top if ICT learning like Office. And coding.

OP posts:

Crimesean · 19/02/2022 11:48

You will split the room on this OP - everyone knows unlimited gaming and screens is bad for kids' health (mental and physical) but sadly a lot of parents give in for an easy life.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, kids need help to regulate their impulses and choose a variety of age-appropriate activities.

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 11:49

Not to mention the huge numbers of children coming into Secondary with reading ages well below their age because of the disruptions to their education in the last 2 years. Secondary teachers aren’t trained to teach children HOW to read, that’s supposed to be done by the time they leave Primary so everyone is playing catch up or learning new skills. Not just the children.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 19/02/2022 11:51

Yanbu.
My eldest is a shit self regulator. I remove his tech every so often. He's lovely without it.

OhWhyNot · 19/02/2022 11:53

Ds has had screaming fits when I took away his PS4

Usually a very laid back child you would think I was torturing him

It would have been much easier to give in and no amount of conversations worked it had to be taken away

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 11:56

Dsibs are VERY close in age to DS. They also play Switch and Xbox. We have NO issues with them whatsoever on time spent or grumpy behaviour. We tell them to do homework or chores first, they do it no fuss then game or watch tv.
We tell them to get off, they do, no fuss. They happy play independently away from screens doing other stuff. Though they are a little younger.
DS has been like this re games since about 8 but it’s got worse since the Xbox arrived for 11 birthday.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 19/02/2022 11:59

I don't know, I'm so torn, we're in the exact same place. I think restrict too much and they're learning nothing and will binge next time but then you get the people saying let him be a teenager. Maybe their kids walk away when they need to and don't end up blinking crazily after too much time, getting dark circles and headaches after too much screen time, being crankier, not getting fresh air, getting paler. That's where my ds 14 got to, and with 4 boys we are just battling all the time. I'd love to be able to help but our only way is organising board games, family outings, poker and visiting his granny etc, basically keeping him busy then letting him off. It's so so hard, I HATE the xbox (and this is said as someone who plays it with the kids!!)

OhWhyNot · 19/02/2022 12:05

It will get better

Ds goes off to meet his friends now but there are still heated discussions around his gaming but not as bad and if he hasn’t done his homework it gets taken away which rarely happens now

Franticbutterfly · 19/02/2022 12:08

If you've threatened it, you have to do it. I take my 3dc technology when they don't do as they are asked. They whine for a bit then they find other entertainment.

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 12:46

‘ If you've threatened it, you have to do it’

Agreed, we rarely back down. Once or twice we’ve calmed down, realised that we’ve read the entire riot act and the consequences were very harsh and said as much to DC and amended the consequences.
I think as a parent it’s okay to say when you e got it wrong sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 12:48

So this morning, Day 1 of no gaming DS has been to park with friends, walked the dog and is now playing songs via the Sonos and making a playlist for a car trip we have coming up. He’s like a different child to the one yesterday!

OP posts:

VelvetChairGirl · 19/02/2022 12:53

yeah gaming ruins lives he should have it closely controlled to only a couple of hours a week, that will make sure he has plenty of time to be outside on the streets with his mates doing god knows what, drugs, petty theft, getting in fights, trespassing etc, all far more wholesome things to do then play minecraft or Forza

Although the question must be asked if you hate digital content and gaming so much why did you buy him a phone and an xbox in the first place unless it was a strategic idea to have something to use as punishment.

Original poster

Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 13:02

@VelvetChairGirl let me get this straight - my options are let a 12 year old have as much gaming time as he likes or have him ‘on the streets’ doing drugs? In this scenario does he become a petty criminal to pay for the drugs or not?
Now you have me worried, because he does play outside a lot with his friends. And there I was thinking the fresh air and exercise would be good for him…

OP posts:

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