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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away the Xbox for a week?

91 replies

Butterbegood · 18/02/2022 19:04

DS 12 has restricted time gaming and controls in his phone re: how long he can use the phone per day, and what he can do in it.
The last couple Of months that we have been battling re gaming time in particular. Today he was allowed a couple of hours as he’s in hols. Told him no more gaming , not on phone and not on Xbox today.
Found out he’s been on phone games plus downloaded new apps to his phone ( Tik Tok and others) that we’ve said no too.
This isn’t the first time that he’s got round controls to get more time or play games. He’s constant pushing boundaries but generally a good kid, does okay at school, plays sports etc
I told him he’d lose the Xbox for a week - DP is wondering if that’s too strict but given that this is about the 4th or 5th time he’s been caught like this I feel like he needs consequences.
Have tried explaining why he can’t have unlimited gaming time and unrestricted internet access but apparently we’re the worst parents in the world…
AIBU in taking his Xbox for a week and restricting the phone to calls and messaging only??

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 13:05

‘ Although the question must be asked if you hate digital content and gaming so much why did you buy him a phone and an xbox in the first place unless it was a strategic idea to have something to use as punishment.’

We got it as in upgrade to my old Xbox. I don’t hate gaming. I love it actually, but I’m much better a self regulation than a 12 year old, as it turns out.
Odd that.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 19/02/2022 13:12

I agree with you @Butterbegood. My ds is 11 and this week downloaded tik tok to his phone and went on dhs phone to approve it. He lost gaming time for that. We had lots of chats about what is on social media and how its not all funny cat videos and dances. I restrict his gaming time like you and share your attitude that they should do other things.

I want my dc to do well at school and practice their music as well as read and play outside or with each other or even talk to friends on WhatsApp etc. Not always glued to a screen. He actually does coding classes online as well to give him screen time that isn't just mindless.

We try and encourage slightly more intelligent and thoughtful gaming (think he is playing 'raft' at the moment). DH is a PC gamer and gets ds on with his gaming friends' children. That way they can choose a good game rather than fortnite but we do let him have fortnite too.

You will get a lot of defensive comments from people who don't restrict their dc screen use and whose dc are 'fine'. Each child is different but you know your child and what he is like without incessantly gaming.

My main worry is that without doing other intellectual activity my dc will end up dumbed down.

I get that some people say the social side is really important but ds is very popular and not being allowed on to fortnite asearly ashis friends or now on to tik tok isn't stopping him having a good social life.

There's a lot of dc who aren't fine as a result of lax parental attitudes to games /screen time / social media.

Dsis is a CAMHS psychiatrist and sees so much of damaged dc whose parents don't enforce limits on gaming.

VelvetChairGirl · 19/02/2022 13:14

[quote Butterbegood]@VelvetChairGirl let me get this straight - my options are let a 12 year old have as much gaming time as he likes or have him ‘on the streets’ doing drugs? In this scenario does he become a petty criminal to pay for the drugs or not?
Now you have me worried, because he does play outside a lot with his friends. And there I was thinking the fresh air and exercise would be good for him…[/quote]
he's nearly a teen outside with friends means all kinds of things.

with my brother going out with his mates after school meant roaming around in a gang looking for kids in rival schools uniforms to beat up.

and going out with friends meant hiding behind a hedge throwing stones at passing cars, trespassing on the railway, trying to break into warehouses along the canal, sitting in the park smoking skunk or drinking.

I'd much rather have a nerd that wants to sit and build a theme park in minecraft.

PinkSyCo · 19/02/2022 13:29

Anyone else get the impression that OP started this thread only to show off her ‘superior’ parenting skills, or is it just me?

ZenNudist · 19/02/2022 13:50

PinkSyCo, she must be on to something, her ds isn't out throwing rocks at traffic or starting a meth lab.

Seems like the i-nanny is all that's between some kids and the gangs according to some on this thread.

Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 14:08

‘ Seems like the i-nanny is all that's between some kids and the gangs according to some on this thread.’
Grin that made me
Smile…

OP posts:
doubleshotcappuccino · 19/02/2022 15:37

Postive shorter incentives might help .. I've got teenage boys and o work on what they can achieve ( if you do that you get Xbox time etc ) punishments are short and quick - I actually took a parenting teens online course during the first lockdown and learned so much about the teenage brain .. we have managed to work together and even had a couple of " fair enough mum" comments which I couldn't quite believe. I learned :
Carrot is better than a stick
Catch them doing well and reinforce positives
Keep punishments short
Teenagers feel more secure with consistent logical punishment
Parenting is a verb - you have to communicate and monitor them
Constantly - can't just sweep on at intervals with dictats.. they will build resentment for us

doubleshotcappuccino · 19/02/2022 15:41

Also as the mum of quite a few teens I would say tik tok gets dark pretty quickly .. the younger teens can use YouTube but have to be logged in as me so I can check afterwards what they were viewing .. if they watch it without logging in as me they lose it for one day .. Instagram is fine .. I will
follow but never comment or try to join in .. tik tok is another world and not as light as insta ..

Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 18:57

@doubleshotcappuccino thanks - that’s really useful
Advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 19:01

I use TIk tok a lot for work purposes and I have seen some things that I thought very dark and certainly not appropriate for a 12 year old. Unfortunately it isn’t all cat videos amd the lack of control
On what pops up is a big issue when it comes to younger users.

OP posts:
Crimesean · 19/02/2022 19:34

@ZenNudist

PinkSyCo, she must be on to something, her ds isn't out throwing rocks at traffic or starting a meth lab.

Seems like the i-nanny is all that's between some kids and the gangs according to some on this thread.

I guess for some kids that really is the reality, which is bloody awful, but hopefully the vast majority of parents aren't having to make a choice between risking their child's development vs. criminality.
sirfredfredgeorge · 19/02/2022 19:58

I think parents forget how much kids from yr 7 + are using screens now in school too- from quiz games, to homework, emails from school, front of class teaching, Google classroom to do work and hand in homework on top if ICT learning like Office. And coding

If screens are so negative in schools, perhaps the school should stop using them...

Original poster
Butterbegood · 19/02/2022 20:15

‘ If screens are so negative in schools, perhaps the school should stop using them...’

Did I say they were negative in schools? No, I
Didn’t.
Do I think that the time spend on screens in school still count as screen time and parents should be mindful of that outside of school? Yes.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 19/02/2022 21:52

It's utter garbage of an argument, if screens are harmful simply based on time spent (which is the only reason to specify limits in time, if it wasn't time that was your measure of harm) then removing the school screens would be the obvious one to remove, because we know from decades of evidence that schools do not require screens to teach.

ihearttc · 19/02/2022 22:37

I have 2 boys…one is nearly 17 and one is 11. I don’t restrict screen time at all, whether that’s phone or Xbox. I don’t feel it’s necessary. DS1 was on it quite a bit at 12/13 but now at 17 he is hardly ever on it tbh as between 6th Form, homework, work, girlfriend and soon to be driving lessons there isn’t a huge amount of time. He meets up with his mates and plays football then maybe plays an hour or so of FIFA.

DS2 is on it quite a lot, mainly playing FIFA or scrolling TikTok. But he does Football training 3 night a week for 2 hours a time then games on Saturday and Sunday. He uses the Xbox and phone to speak to friends from football who mostly live 30 miles away and go to different schools.
Technology is what you make it, the whole world has evolved since we were young and I promise you banning stuff is just going to make it all the more desirable.
DS1 is a bright, sensible, hardworking 17 year old who happens to like playing a bit of FIFA. He wants to do a Sports Science degree so definitely not a couch potato from gaming for a few hours a day at 12.

kateg27 · 21/02/2022 15:13

@Butterbegood I am really finding it alarming that you are a secondary school teacher and you treat your son the way you do.
So he has 3 hours across the week? That's not normal, that's far too restrictive and doesn't give him time at all to play with his mates online.
You also don't let him communicate with his mates via phone, so he cannot arrange meet ups, sleepovers etc.
You are isolating him and making him a target and I can't believe you don't realise that, doing the job you do.

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