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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry my husband won’t fancy me

122 replies

Samantha312 · 18/02/2022 17:52

Maybe I am just having a down day but since I have reached 30 I have become aware that my looks will soon start to decline…have already noticed the signs of ageing and am really insecure that my husband will start looking at younger women and no longer finding me attractive. Sorry if this sounds really shallow of me I don’t mean it to be that way and I do know it’s not all about looks etc. Any words of wisdom and AIBU?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 18/02/2022 18:20

I work with women in their 40s and 50s and honestly I wish I looked like them, they are gorgeous and have incredible figures.

I don’t think ageing turns you ugly.

MrsColinRobinson · 18/02/2022 18:27

So it's not your husband who judges us over 30s (and way beyond) as less attractive but your perception of beauty.

I'm late forties and still as attractive as in my twenties, but in a different way. I wouldn't want anyone just interested in an age... how dull.

Original poster
Samantha312 · 18/02/2022 18:29

I don’t think it is my perception of beauty but I think society makes us believe that over 30 we are just past it? I do find that quite depressing

OP posts:
Chely · 18/02/2022 18:31

YANBU to feel like the physical attraction will not be as it was but so long as the deeper connection remains you will keep his interest.
I had these insecurities after having kids (inc huge twins). I lost a load of weight and got fit lifting weights, DH didn't seem any more attracted to slim me than fat me so it was more in my head than anything. These days I just don't think that way, he loves me however I look.

MrsColinRobinson · 18/02/2022 18:31

Only if you believe all the shite the media parades as beauty. You can make up your own mind.

Chely · 18/02/2022 18:32

Oh and I have let my hair go grey now, have a few wisdom lines etc. He's aged too, though he keeps offering his ID when he buys booze 🤣🤣

ExtraOnion · 18/02/2022 18:35

Is he so hot that scores of twenty-odd year old women are going to be hurling themselves at him?

You sound really needy, if anything is likely to contribute to someone not fancying you, it’s that.

MRS54321 · 18/02/2022 18:35

My husband is one of those annoying bastards who is getting better with age and he is gorgeous
He’s the image of a very famous person and we get stopped every single day to be told this.

I used to think about this and then I realised he’s also skint, and an idiot so ….Wink

I am aware of keeping fit and attractive, but I also make more money .. shrugs.

Tittyfilarious81 · 18/02/2022 18:36

Age is a number that's really not worth fixating on op . I know ladies in their 40s and 50s and 60s even who are still gorgeous even though they've changed alot over the years .

Chickychickydodah · 18/02/2022 18:40

I’m over weight and nearly 60 and my hubby still loves me,as long as you have fun and work together you will be fine.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 18:41

You are only turning 30. You are a baby, I remember sister having a crisis when turning 30. I was in a great place at 30 felt more confident, looked great. Now am 52 and single and great just pleasing myself and am staying single. Take up some exercise as that really builds confidence and strength in yourself as a person and gets rid of anxiety. Even a circuit training class to music 2x a week or power walking few times a week. You will feel better mentally and helps with confidence. Society and social media has put such pressure on women and always how the women look and seems not the same pressure on women as most of us are not that shallow. He is ageing too and 30 both so young. Make sure you do something together where you have fun and look forward to it and try not to worry. I bet you look great and am sure he is with you because of who you are.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 18:44

Looks don't just face if you look after yourself and I don't mean by creams and potions, keeping face out of the sun and drinking in moderation does help and not smoking. I am 52 and barely any wrinkles but notice few changes now dry skin on chin and is horrible but always get told I look years younger. But then I see all nieces etc getting botox at 30 and lips done etc and will ruin their faces if start when do not need it. I loved my 30's and honest never felt more confident than in my 30's and wish I could have stayed in late 30's forever as had more confidence, self belief and not as worried about the crap was in my 20's.

Fairislefandango · 18/02/2022 18:47

I don’t think it is my perception of beauty but I think society makes us believe that over 30 we are just past it?

Does it? Firstly - there are tons of beautiful and successful women much older than 30. Secondly, you don't have to actually believe crap like that if you choose not to!

oakleaffy · 18/02/2022 18:51

@talkingbubble

Yes he likely will stop fancying you, but not at 30. More like 50 I'd say. But then only if he's a self-absorbed bell-end, and you'll be well-shot of him anyway!
This! And then share your life with little Whippet or horse. Neither will care about how you look, and are a lot less trouble than a man.

Gay men also really fear losing looks.
Its so sad.

CleanUpTime · 18/02/2022 18:53

I had the same thought at 30. Im 32 now and honestly feel GREAT. My friends are mostly 30-32 and they are all gorgeous! 30s are the START of the prime of life!!

Since turning 30 I feel more confident in who I am. Im more confident in bed. I am fulfilled by my job, I have my baby rearing days behind me and more independent!!

30s are great!! My dh would be an idiot if he left me for a person in their 20s but I know thats not going to happen.

So some self love and start some daily affirmations- 30 is the start of LIFE

Winter2020 · 18/02/2022 18:53

I've been with my husband about 20 years (married for 7). I think a lot of what you see when you look at your partner is rooted in your history together. I don't think I would see my husband the same physically if I met him tomorrow as a stranger. (Or him me) As you age you still see and remember the person in their prime of life. I think it's tougher if you are back on the dating scene older as you see the people's looks more as they are and they you in return.

AffIt · 18/02/2022 18:55

Are you married to a Russian oligarch?

If so, then yes, worry. They (the wives of Russian oligarchs) do seem to be quite disposable.

Ionlydomassiveones · 18/02/2022 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Anonymous48 · 18/02/2022 18:57

@Samantha312

I don’t think it is my perception of beauty but I think society makes us believe that over 30 we are just past it? I do find that quite depressing
Er, no it doesn't. If that's what you believe then you definitely have an issue. I don't think most people believe that. I also think you have issues if you are so insecure in your marriage that you are worried your husband will stop fancying you as you both get older. I really think you need to grow up.
Tittyfilarious81 · 18/02/2022 18:59

I don’t think it is my perception of beauty but I think society makes us believe that over 30 we are just past it?

At the risk of sounding old and out of touch in my 40s I think that social media is playing a massive part in women's confidence about their looks that they think they are past it at 30 .

PermanentTemporary · 18/02/2022 19:00

I think a lot of people find turning 30 a big deal. You will probably feel better once it's happened. Organise yourself a brilliant party/weekend away/whatever and have fun.

I'm 52 and in a lifetime's shagging, some of it more successful than others, I've learnt that people are attracted to 1. Smiles and 2. Visible desire. So if you fancy your husband and have fun with him, and show it, I think you'll find that sex only gets better.

Handsnotwands · 18/02/2022 19:02

You must develop a sparkling personality and a rapier wit. Quickly.

BABAHOTEL · 18/02/2022 19:03

@Samantha312

No he really isn’t the kind of guy that would do that honestly! It’s just in my head as you hear of so many men leaving their older wives for younger women and It’s just awful.
Get counselling to deal with your issues! Do you want to stop time?
BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 19:05

To Oakleafy I have my lovely dog that my son and I adopted, she is a black lab mix and is soo loving and sounds mad but prefer her over any man as more loyal and love her to bits.

Weird I grew up in the 80's and in a mainly male dominated household and women made to believe that they had to have a man or be in a relationship so many family members (males) still have this belief and get comments like oh you're past it now and women over 30 past it. Is truly shocking and they find it so hard to believe I choose to be single and am more content single and just could not be arsed with a man and pleasing a man and the way we were conditioned. Many are so afraid of been alone so stay in miserable relationships as afraid to be independent. Felt more alone in relationship.

BurbageBrook · 18/02/2022 19:06

There are so many more pressing things to worry about. Don’t waste your life dwelling on nonsense and ‘what ifs’! Besides, 30 is young these days. You sound like you have a lot of internalised misogyny going on.