To be considering leaving my depressed husband?

[HalterBeck]

I know I made vows for better or for worse, sickness and in health etc.. but I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I fantasise all the time about just leaving with DC and having a place of our own without the moodiness and "down" atmosphere all the time.

Sometimes hes okay and we get on and then others he's just miserable and I feel on egg shells.

We've spoken a lot about it recently and he's agreed to go and see the GP and has an appointment soon. But I just don't trust that he'll actually do what they tell him to.

I don't know how long I can stick by and be supportive and I feel awful about it.

When is it acceptable to put my own happiness first? DC adore him and he does try to keep it away from them as much as he can but it makes it so tense between us. Sometimes hes so nasty and then other times he's just down. I never know what to do or how to deal with it.

I have no advice - but I am in a similar situation. It’s shit and yanbu wanting to get out.

If he doesn’t get help I would leave

Give him a chance to go to the GP and see how it goes from there.

But no, I wouldn't stay with someone who suffered from depression, impacted my life, and refused to get it treated. Thats just selfish.

Leave. Life's too short to deal with someone who is dragging you down. Depression can be helped by exercise, diet, supplements as well as going down the medication route and I'd have no time for someone who wasn't being pro-active in trying to get better.

Your kids deserve better, let alone you

"Walking on eggshells" is no way to live. I threw in the towel with my first marriage and it was the best decision I ever made.

Wedding vows are made with the best of intentions, but when it turns into sacrificing your own life and happiness in perpetuity it becomes untenable. I got sick to death of setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You only have one life. How you decide to live it is up to you.

He does have a GP appointment booked. They can't see him until mid March though.

I just know what he's like. Sometimes he'll agree that he'll do whatever the doctor says then other times, depending on his mood, I feel like he'd be thinking 'i don't need medication' and ignore them.

He just changes so quickly all the time.

It’s perfectly fine to set boundaries around what you expect from him in terms of taking responsibility for managing his mental health.

I would expect him to be in weekly therapy, exercising regularly, in a good routine with eating and sleeping and minimising alcohol at the least. If this wasn’t enough then possibly an SSRI or St. John’s wort type supplement.

It’s not his fault if he’s depressed but no one can change it but him, it’s not ok to allow it to impact on the family.

I feel like I can't tell him this is how I'm feeling either because then I'm "making it about me, showing I don't care about him, not being supportive" etc..

It's not unreasonable to find life hard if your partner is experiencing poor mental health, but it would be unreasonable to consider leaving him for being depressed.

However, if he won't get help then leave because he's showing that he is unwilling to help himself, or show any long term concern for the family wellbeing.

It sounds really difficult.

I would probably give him a chance to start medication and therapy (I'd want him to do both). If he doesn't do it, then leave.

If he's trying to help himself, at least you feel respected. I would insist on therapy as well as medication because he also needs to learn coping skills because having depression isn't a get out of jail free card for treating your family poorly. Nor is depression a permanent state, he needs to at least try to work through it to a place of more happiness or contentment

I've been in a similar situation and it was awful, so I really do feel for you.

The relationship was toxic because like you, I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

He went to the GP and was put on a list for counselling and put on medication. The medication did help his mood which was great, but it also had side affects that affected our relationship ( he couldn't get it up 😂) it totally wasn't funny at the time though and I felt so terribly for him.

He was on the medication for about 13 months. The counselling appointment never came. He was reluctant to seek private therapy. This really frustrated me as he wasn't doing everything he could to get better when our relationship was on the line.

He's now much better. I've skimmed over that time in this post but it was a truly awful time. I nearly left on 3 occasions where he was just horrible and completely not himself.

We'd been together 5 years when the depression started, we're now 7 years together and I can honestly say he's better now than when I first met him. I think there was always a mild depression there in the background, but now it's completely gone and he's a better person for it.

We're really happy again, like we once were. It feels good to have got to the other side however I wouldn't blame other people for not sticking with it, especially when you have children. It really is so tough.

Do you think it's just the depression that's making you feel this way? Or is there other stuff?

There's down and then there's nasty. 2 different things.
Depression can present as self-centred and uncaring, I think it takes a certain amount of inner strength for the depressed person to rise above that, so that their focus is outside themselves and on their family. Not all depressed people have that strength. Is it a choice? I can't answer that, but if your partner consistently fails to put you first, it would not be reasonable for him to expect you to continue supporting him without some kind of reciprocity.

@HalterBeck

He does have a GP appointment booked. They can't see him until mid March though.

I just know what he's like. Sometimes he'll agree that he'll do whatever the doctor says then other times, depending on his mood, I feel like he'd be thinking 'i don't need medication' and ignore them.

He just changes so quickly all the time.

Then absolutely you are not unreasonable to leave.

Would you consider a trial separation? It may kick him up the arse.

I know we're all different but when I had depression I did everything I could to get better, mainly for my sake. I hated feeling so low and moody. I spent money on therapy because it was worth it.

Why wouldn't someone want to feel better? It's his responsibility, not yours. If he refuses help then you absolutely should seek a happier life for you and your kids.

I would also want to avoid your kids getting his negative habits engrained. We know depression can be hereditary and I think sometimes exposure and learned behaviour can impact that. If he won't help himself then I would want to protect them from that by showing them a happy household 💐

Depression can be helped by exercise, diet, supplements as well as going down the medication route and I'd have no time for someone who wasn't being pro-active in trying to get better.

Just to say, it can be incredibly difficult to be proactive, if you’re depressed.

Do you have enough money for a private GP appointment? It's about £120 in our area. If you can afford it a few sessions with a private therapist too.

Ultimately he has to want to get better though - cliche but absolutely true.

Just because someone may have a mental health condition, does not mean they are not responsible for their actions and does not mean they have a license to abuse you and the children.

He is choosing to abuse you and he is responsible for that.

Walking on eggshells is bad for your health - physically and mentally - and can cause long term problems. For your children too even if it's indirect most of the time rather than direct like for you.

His depression and his choice to abuse his family are separate. You clearly want to leave him because of the abuse.

Leaving an abusive husband is the right thing to do.

Nobody should have to live in an abusive home. Him using depression as an excuse does not change that.

We know depression can be hereditary and I think sometimes exposure and learned behaviour can impact that.

That's not really correct. The current body of evidence tells us that these situations cause intergenerational trauma.

That is, the children are traumatised by his behaviour and are affected by that trauma in adulthood. Depression is a side effect of trauma.

It's not inherited or learnt or copied. It is the result of trauma being inflicted on a generation by the previous one's behaviour.

I’m really shocked by the responses here. I feel they would be a lot different if the tables were turned. Men’s mental health is never taken seriously and it’s threads like this that really highlight it.

If he was in a terrible car crash which left him physically disabled would you leave him? Or is it not ok to leave someone whose physically ill, only mentally ill?

As for the comments about diet and exercise…Jesus Christ can we stop playing that old tune. Most depressed people need medication/therapy before they can even begin to think about diet and exercise. It most certainly isn’t a cure.

I think it’s only fair to wait until he’s seen his GP and is undergoing some sort of treatment and then see where things are. Righting him off as “he probably won’t even take the GPS advice anyway” is very unfair.

When your DC are old enough (if they aren’t already) to ask in-depth why their parents aren’t together are you honestly going to say “your Dad had depression and it was bumming me out so I left him”. How does that look to your DC? How would they then feel if they every have mental health issues? Like a burden I’m guessing. Like they couldn’t tell you about it. Would you be understanding if their partners left them when they were struggling with mental health issues?

If he doesn’t get help, by all means put down an ultimatum, but at least give the bloke a chance. It’s been a rough 2 years.

One thing that's really getting to me, which may be unfair, is that I feel like we have no family time. We are not making any happy family memories for our DC. Everything I do with the kids is by myself or with family / friends because he's too miserable to come and even pretend that he's enjoying spending time with us.

I know that's really hard to do when you're depressed. But it makes me so sad. He promised he'd come to something at weekend that our DC really enjoys and that he's never been to despite asking, it's the first time he's actually done something with the youngest and me by ourselves and he spent the entire time with a face on him and acting like he was in pain being there with us, wanting to leave early, getting really angry at traffic on the way home etc.. it was horrible. Just the most tense and awkward environment and I felt so bad for DC.

I just want a normal relationship where I can actually enjoy doing things with the other person. I've never really had that with H even before this depression he's never really been one for wanting to spend time with us.

Haha would love to see this reversed. Complete opposite would be said if it was a man talking about leaving his depressed or anxiety-ridden partner.

Lol.

OP - how long has this been going on? I can't see you mentioning that.

If he'd been in a terrible car crash he'd go and get medical help wouldn't he? So he can go and get medical help for his depression.

It's a lot more than just bumming me out. He can be really nasty to me and angry.

I'm assuming him being physically injured wouldn't result in him putting me down/ belittling me etc...?

It's hard to constantly have sympathy when that's going on.

CallMeDaddy58
I agree with you. I'm really glad that my DH didn't decide to walk out on me during a very difficult time because there was a waitlist getting appropriate support. There's a lot of he needs to pull himself together attitudes in this thread, which seem to go hand in hand with why attitudes to men's mental health in this country is shocking.

If it turns out OP'd DP won't get help, isn't interested in taking steps to improve his mental wellbeing, won't engage with professional support then id totally agree with leaving. Nobody should be shackled to someone who won't take reasonable steps to create a happy and fulfilling relationship and family environment, but to leave because someone's depressed and they might not attend an appointment in the future is quite cold to me.

I'm never allowed to say anything about how this makes me feel either because then I'm just "making it about me". I'm just supposed to pretend like it doesn't hurt?

There have been a few arguments recently that have been so cruel that it's really changed the way I've been seeing him. Usually focused around how useless I am and things like that.

It may be depression talking but it's hard to listen to that.

I'd say there have been signs of this since we met tbh although certainly not as stark as they are now. I think he's always struggled in some way or another only now he is admitting it's that though, he never would before. I've tried to get him to speak to the doctor before and he refused saying thing like "they'll only give me medication and I'm not taking that shit" kind of thing. Which is why I worry he'll just ignore what they say.

Today he's saying he'll see the GP and listen to them, but knowing him, that doesn't mean that tomorrow he'll say the same if that makes sense.

Cross posted with this:

just want a normal relationship where I can actually enjoy doing things with the other person. I've never really had that with H even before this depression he's never really been one for wanting to spend time with us
This is the central issue OP.
Your relationship wasn't happy or healthy before he had depression.

Leave the relationship because over the course of your relationship you haven't enjoyed doing things with him and he's never wanted to spend time with you.

The depression isn't the issue.

@HalterBeck

It's a lot more than just bumming me out. He can be really nasty to me and angry.

I'm assuming him being physically injured wouldn't result in him putting me down/ belittling me etc...?

It's hard to constantly have sympathy when that's going on.

But perhaps being chronically ill would? I wouldn't compare being depressed to being physically ill in the sense of a broken bone (heals quickly, small inconvenience etc) but perhaps more to a chronic illness (pervasive into every part of life, impacts mood and mental health).

Being depressed is tough, and if you haven't been depressed then I don't think you can understand perhaps the depth of feeling behind it. It's also not just a "feeling" it's an all encompassing state of being, eating healthy, exercising, practicing self care (basically all of the things people suggest to help) are things that can feel physically impossible when you're in a depressed state. It's mentally and physically exhausting.

The impact on you and your family although linked to this, is a separate issue - you can end your relationship for whatever reason you want. I think ending it for your DH having "depression" as a label is BU. I think ending it because you're not happy with walking on eggshells, your DC missing out, being spoken to poorly etc isn't BU at all.

Your DH will probably struggle to seek and accept help, that's the worst part about the destructive cycle of depression. I don't think you're making it about you by making it clear to your DH that you can only cope with so much without it impacting your mental health too, there's no point being in a relationship where you're both struggling for me.