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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering leaving my depressed husband?

85 replies

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 10:57

I know I made vows for better or for worse, sickness and in health etc.. but I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I fantasise all the time about just leaving with DC and having a place of our own without the moodiness and "down" atmosphere all the time.

Sometimes hes okay and we get on and then others he's just miserable and I feel on egg shells.

We've spoken a lot about it recently and he's agreed to go and see the GP and has an appointment soon. But I just don't trust that he'll actually do what they tell him to.

I don't know how long I can stick by and be supportive and I feel awful about it.

When is it acceptable to put my own happiness first? DC adore him and he does try to keep it away from them as much as he can but it makes it so tense between us. Sometimes hes so nasty and then other times he's just down. I never know what to do or how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:46

I've been depressed. I was on anti depressants myself. Mime was focused mostly inwards to myself though if that makes sense. Not in any way suggesting I was easy to live with but I can hand on heart say I never verbally attacked DH or was cruel to him. I hated myself, I was cruel to myself and that absolutely was hard for him I'm sure, but in a different way I think.

I also took myself to the doctor, took my medication and arranged therapy. With H I've been the one pushing him for ages to see the doctor. He's only just now agreed but I had to make the appointment for him. He absolutely will not speak to a therapist. Doesn't see how "talking" will help.

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roarfeckingroarr · 18/02/2022 11:47

I'm considering rekindling things with my ex fiancé, DS' dad, who suffers on and off with depression. He left because he basically fell into a deep depression and had a breakdown.

He's in a great place now but I remember how miserable it was to live with him when he was bad. He's committed to seeing his therapist long term (private), being physically active, working on putting work to bed at the end of the day, pushing himself to get out and do things when he's struggling, eating well... basically everything he can do proactively to stay on top of it. If he manages over the next year, I'll give it another go.

Dealing with mental health issues and not the same as physical health, no matter what we say. A broken leg doesn't affect the mood of the house, doesn't make you and the kids walk on egg shells. You have to look after your own health too.

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:48

I think it's just been building and building for so long (throughout which he has refused to get help even if now he's saying he will which is why it makes me not trust that he actually will) to the point where I know just feel so tense and low myself that I wish I could just run away.

Rightly or wrongly the way he's been towards me and our family has tainted the way I feel about him right now.

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Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:49

I now** not know.

OP posts:

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:50

Leave the relationship because over the course of your relationship you haven't enjoyed doing things with him and he's never wanted to spend time with you.

He'd say it's because he's always suffered with it, just not as badly as right now.

OP posts:

LightfoldEngines · 18/02/2022 11:50

YANBU.

Seems this has been going on for a long time with him refusing to seek help of any kind.

Fuck that.

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:52

don't think you're making it about you by making it clear to your DH that you can only cope with so much without it impacting your mental health too

No but that's what he says. I can't say anything to him about how it makes me feel because then (according to him) it shows I don't care, shows I'm not supportive, shows I'm making it about me and so on..

I just feel like I'm expected to be constantly "okay" about everything. I'm not allowed to have any feelings about everything because it's all about him and how he feels.

I get to him it is all encompassing, as I say I've been there myself.

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RandomMess · 18/02/2022 11:52

I have DH an ultimatum that he either engaged with treatment or it was over.

He complained about the costs of seeing a therapist and I reminded him it was cheaper than a divorce.

Funnily enough things improved quickly and stayed that way many years later.

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:53

I go to bed most nights (we don't even sleep in the same room now) and just cry because I want to leave so badly but feel like such a terrible person for feeling that way.

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TuscanApothecary · 18/02/2022 11:53

If he was actively trying to support himself in his mental health with the advice others have put on here then I wouldn't leave him. If he was depressed and taking it out on me and not seeking support I'd leave. I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me horribly and then blaming their MH for it.

Louisianagumbo · 18/02/2022 11:53

I suffer from depression and I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to live with me. It's a really selfish illness where you see everything through the prism of 'me'. Yes, it's hard to make an effort but it doesn't mean you can't make an effort.

It's a terrible illness that requires hard work and discipline to deal with, which are the very two things that are difficult to muster when you're depressed. It's a vicious cycle and the negativity is draining for those who live with the sufferer. No matter how sympathetic you are, ultimately this is your life. And if someone is depriving you of happiness, as cruel as it sounds, you shouldn't have to stay with them.

Hermymee · 18/02/2022 11:54

Has he sought treatment previously?

If not then you need to let him get help first.

missbunnyrabbit · 18/02/2022 11:54

I think you should leave, but not because he has depression - because he is horrible to you! I am severely depressed but I never take out how I feel on my boyfriend. There's no excuse for that.

LightfoldEngines · 18/02/2022 11:54

@HalterBeck

don't think you're making it about you by making it clear to your DH that you can only cope with so much without it impacting your mental health too

I just feel like I'm expected to be constantly "okay" about everything. I'm not allowed to have any feelings about everything because it's all about him and how he feels.

I get to him it is all encompassing, as I say I've been there myself.

Is he depressed or is he a controlling, miserable, selfish shit?

Original poster

HalterBeck · 18/02/2022 11:54

@Hermymee

Has he sought treatment previously?

If not then you need to let him get help first.

No he's always refused until now where he allowed me to make him a GP appointment. Whether he'll go or not I don't know.

OP posts:

Wnikat · 18/02/2022 11:55

It’s not his depression’s fault that he’s bullying you. That’s on him.

Hermymee · 18/02/2022 11:56

I can see this from the other side as I made my DPs life hell for 6 years when I was anorexic.

I did engage in treatment and am recovered now but honestly, I was awful. I am eternally grateful for him for sticking by me. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he left.

iloveyankeecandle · 18/02/2022 11:57

My husband has been suffering on and off for the past six years. He took tablets initially and then stopped. He's the worst he's ever been recently and he's gone to drs and been prescribed tablets. In my head I'd decided that if he didn't actively seek help then I'd be telling him k was going. It's not fair on any of us. I'm willing to help him, but he needs to help himself.

TuscanApothecary · 18/02/2022 11:57

Sorry pressed post too soon - wouldn't put up with someone treating me horribly and blaming their MH for it AGAIN. My ex blamed his childhood trauma for his depression and anxiety (when he wasn't blaming me) and I felt horribly guilty in leaving but MH isn't an excuse to treat someone poorly.

LolaSmiles · 18/02/2022 11:58

He'd say it's because he's always suffered with it, just not as badly as right now
It still stands.

He doesn't get to excuse years of negative behaviour to his partner and family by retrospectively saying 'but I've always been depressed' when his behaviour is challenged or questioned. That would be a big red flag to me because it sounds like he thinks he has a get out of jail free card to keep you tolerating it.

If he was experiencing depression and you were thinking of leaving because it's a month til an appointed and life was a bit rough living with someone with poor mental health health then I'd say you were unreasonable, but this is someone who hasnt treated you respectfully for years.

You're entitled to be in a happy and healthy relationship OP. Women aren't men's fixers and there is a huge difference between 'in sickness and in health' when a relationship is healthy healthy respectful, and one person expecting their partner to tolerate endless poor treatment.

OneTiredMam · 18/02/2022 12:01

Being depressed is not an excuse to treat you like shit.

I have severe depression and had it on and off for over a decade, never once have I been cruel or verbally abusive to anyone. He's using it as an excuse, I would leave.

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/02/2022 12:03

I was going to suggest you stay until he's been to the gp and if he doesn't follow his gp's advice then go. But then I read this I go to bed most nights (we don't even sleep in the same room now) and just cry because I want to leave so badly I suggest you make plans to leave before then

MimiDaisy11 · 18/02/2022 12:06

I imagine mental health issues end more relationships than physical ones but I don’t think that’s to do with ignorance surrounding mental health. It’s surely to do with the relationship changing more. If you can’t laugh, reminisce, relate et to each other because the person is angry and insults you then a lot more changes at the core of the relationship.

I’d never give anyone a hard time for leaving a relationship because of mental health issues. I think staying with someone who is making you miserable won’t teach your children anything positive as others say.

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 12:15

You need to tell him how unhappy you are and how seriously you need him to get help. You don't want to make it all about you but if you don't tell him and then one day suddenly just leave it will be much worse for him. I wouldn't say anything right now though or it will be hanging over him. Tell him a few days before his appointment, he needs to know how important it is to you that he goes - the rest is up to him though.

In the meantime don't accept him belittling you, stay calm but tell him 'please don't speak to me like that it is belittling'. If he continues then leave the room. If he is being nasty then tell him the same, don't hang around to let him take his shit out on you - remember it is his issue not yours though.

If he does go to the docs then I would give him 6 months to see that he is actually prepared to work at this, have a very firm deadline. In the meantime get everything in place that you need to so if he isn't prepared to put in the effort then you are prepared.

Being depressed and putting in the effort to get the help you need is one thing, abusing your wife and being nasty while wallowing in your misery and doing nothing to help yourself is another. You can't make him get help, but if he won't you don't have to put up with a lifetime of this either - that's not helping anyone.

Rivering · 18/02/2022 12:23

My husband starting feeling depressed new year’s day. Doctor saw him a week or two later, now he’s on happy pills and they’ll start improving things for him gradually.

You can’t just give up so easily, blimey! Get him sorted with counselling (private or nhs) and anti depressant tablets and start the road to recovery.

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